your own disaster
-taking back sunday-

Dear Jake,

I have no one to talk to. I have nobody. Matt's parents are distraught, she hasn't be in the hospital in days. There dad is constantly at work. My parents are angry I wasted college money to fly back here.

And I know that I don't deserve to have you either. I left you, out of the blue, without saying goodbye, I understand, I do. But please just call me, please I need something to hold on to. I need someone. He's dying, Jake. He's really dying.

Please

allison

The thing with Bella was no matter how much I was with her, no matter how much we laughed, fell asleep on the couches, watched TV, biked or went on walks – I never got sick of her. I could be with her everyday all day and I'd still want to see her more. And she seemed to love being with me too, it was amazing.

The only thing was that I didn't want to share her as much, our relationship felt more intimate than Allison's and mine. I didn't want to hang out with her and Quil and Embry too. I just wanted it to be us two, I knew it would slowly start to fade and I'd want to be with her and my friends but for now, as I fell harder and harder every day, I just wanted her to myself.

This left me seeing Bella all the time, only being apart from her when we were at school. And those were the only times I saw Quil and Emery.

"So where've you been?" Emery asked one day at lunch.

"Nowhere," I said, staring at my food.

Quil burst out laughing.

I looked up.

"Nowhere? You've been with Bella. And man, that's totally cool. I'm all about girls and sure you like her, a lot. But we're your best friends? And you just decide not to fucking see us anymore?"

I almost faltered. His words hit me hard, because it suddenly hit me that everything he was saying was true. That I was ditching my two best friends, who I'd known my entire life, for a girl that I'd just met. And I opened my mouth and wanted to, with everything in me, to tell them everything. How I felt, how she made me feel, how screwed up everything was because I didn't know if I'd ever tell her, because I knew deep down she'd never be over him. I wanted to explain because I knew if I did, they'd understand, they'd back off. They were my best friends, they had to right?

But even though I repeated to myself over and over that they would understand, they would try to help, there was still a voice that told me they'd think I was insane. I mean, I don't know how I'd react if one of them had claimed they had animal characteristics and imprinted on someone. How do you explain something you can't explain to yourself? Believe in it? You couldn't.

I closed my mouth.

"I'm sorry," I muttered, not knowing what to say.

"Yeah me too," Quil said getting up and shoving his tray in the garbage, all his food left uneaten, clanging as it hit the can and went inside. A couple people looked up at the scene. I looked at Quil, pleading for him to stay, but I knew the words would never be said aloud. I watched as he left the cafeteria. I looked over at Embry, he was sitting motionless, concentrating on his food like if he moved his eyes the world would come to an end. The bell rang and he muttered something and got up heading to class.

I put my face in my hands. And the anger built up inside me. Why was this happening to me? What did I do? I got up, shaking. And shoved my tray off the table and listened to it clatter on the cafeteria floor. A bunch of people stared as they walked out to their classes. I didn't care.

"Hey!" came the voice of a Janitor.

I didn't turn to see him coming towards me. I just headed towards the door and pushed it open, breathing in the fresh air. I kept walking, heading behind the portables so no one could find me.

I started walking back towards my house and stopped when I felt the sensation that someone was watching me, the prickles you get in your back when you can feel someone's eyes on your every move.

I looked around, spinning. At the forest, at the road, at the school. I couldn't see anyone. But I could feel them watching me.

If I wasn't so angry, I might have been freaked out, but the anger was still screaming to burst out. I was still shaking. I kept spinning, trying to figure out where the hell the person was, what they were doing.

I heard a rustle in the forest and turned quickly to see a figure heading away.

"Hey!" I screamed, my voice scared me.

The large figure kept walking away.

"Hey!" I yelled a little bit louder, I started walking to the forest, "Show your fucking face, you coward!" I said as I approached the beginning of the trees.

I watched as the figure stopped at my words, it's head turned around.

Sam Uley stared at me, his eyes were black, I could feel something in them, even though he was so far away. And something felt so familiar about the stare, like there was something right there in front of me that I couldn't see, and as my thoughts confused and shook me as I continued staring I swear I could see him shaking too.

Jake Black,

I'm sorry, I miss you, please just. Please just answer my calls, just for a second. I need you, I'm so sorry for everything.

Something happened, Matt opened his eyes, and looked right at me. And then the machine showed the straight line, and he started having a seizure. There was blood and… It was horrible.

I'm alone in this hospital, all day everyday. The same nurse works every night and lets me stay. I live here, I eat here.

This hurts, please Jake.

Sam Uley had been hanging with a bunch of younger kids recently. Ones I kind of knew but not well enough to ask what was happening. There was some kind of tie with him and his friends, they acted weird and abandoned all of their previous friends. They followed Sam around like little lost puppies, there for his every beck and call. I'd seen him randomly with his gang, his cult. It was starting to scare me, I didn't want to become a part of whatever they were. I wouldn't even have thought that they would, but the fact that I caught him around me, staring at me all the time made me even more nervous.

It was weird and screwed up. I wanted to talk to Quil and Embry about it, I was still mad at them, I wasn't talking to them, it had been a week. During lunch breaks I would stay in the wood shop classes and eat and hang out with some of the guys, or work on different projects. I was being stupid, but I was still mad at them for not understanding, even though it was my fault they didn't, they wouldn't. How could they?

Not talking to them didn't have any positive effect on me. I was feeling angrier, I was shaking and clenching my fists a lot more than I used to, except when I was around her. Her presence calmed and slowed everything down.

After the week passed and another weekend spent with Bella I came to the decision that I was being a complete idiot for avoiding them. I was going to explain everything, let them in so they could help me. Because I knew they were my best friends, and they wouldn't leave me like Allison had. No, they were here for me.

So Sunday night after Bella had gone home to finish her homework I got on my bike and headed into town where Embry and Quil lived. I felt relief pouring out of me with the sweat; everything was going to be just fine now. I would apologize and everything would go back to normal, the four of us would start hanging out.

As I rode around the corner near the gas station that we always bought Icies from I saw Sam Uley with his gang. It didn't bother me, I'd keep biking, not making eye contact. I mean the guy freaked me out buy I could avoid him. But as I biked closer I began to slow down until I was stopped, leaning on one leg balanced as I noticed another familiar figure. My heart stopped.

Quil was standing with them, laughing and leaning back on the back of a truck.

But then as quickly as that thought came it past. Because it wasn't Quil who was standing there. But it should've been. It made all the sense in the world that Quil would've done something as stupid and irrational as joining Sam Uley's cult, even after the three of us had made fun of him and his "heroism". It would've added together that Quil would've lashed out at me and my sudden abandonment by making new friends with someone I didn't like.

But it wasn't Quil.

A cold and fearful shiver ran down my spine as I watched all the features add up, as I looked to see that it was Embry who stood with Sam. And as they all got into the truck, talking intensely now, I continued staring praying that Embry would see me, get out of the truck and tell me it was all a big joke, it had to be.

Embry did look out the window and I watched as his eyes fell on me, a lone still figure. And as our eyes met, I was shocked to feel such intensity in such a small moment. His eyes were completely blank.

I felt he was just a stranger, I felt that he wasn't my best friend since I'd learned how to walk, like he wasn't Embry anymore.

And as he turned away like he'd seen nothing but someone he didn't recognize, I realized: that he wasn't.

Sorry it took me so long to update, hope this chapter wasn't too, too bad. Don't worry if you're confused, it'll all make sense soon. 3 thanks fans. reviews please )