MP ch11a
A/n: PLEASE READ: IMPORTANT INFO:
Deep Breath…..my second favorite chapter….yep, this is it;)
Now, there's been some questions about certain situations that I need to clarify:
This was his third Overdose.
This chapter discusses his third trip to rehab.
At this point he and Bella haven't seen each other since New York which was almost three years ago.
There was some confusion about why he didn't just 'google' Bella. That's addressed in this chapter.
So, I hope some of those answers help. If not, then it's because it's too soon to address the answers for the questions asked;)
YES, we guarantee an HEA. No, we are not writing angst for the sake of angst. It's just a pivotal part of this love story.
* * * There are reasons for everything we write, some you may like, some you may not. We are writing the story that we've outlined/fraught over/detailed. Some of you probably won't like things that do/don't happen. We're sorry for that, but it's our story to tell….as the characters tell it to us. AND, remember it is fiction. * * *
NO, I am not a recovering addict. Although, both of my ex-husbands were addicts; one was a drug addict (crack/cocaine) and the other an alcoholic. So, I have spent many years dealing with addiction/rehab/therapy, etc. I myself was the child/grandchild of alcoholics and addiction runs rampant in my family, therefore, drugs are completely off limits to me. I know myself all too well. BUT, I thank you all dearly for the kind words you've shared about my ability to write it so thoroughly. Unfortunately, I've lived through it and with it for far too many years and know the harsh realities of addiction all too well.
Bnjwl and I have poured over these words and have the upmost admiration and respect for our beta, A Jasper For Me. She's amazing folks and truly makes our chapters look good, adds the perfect touches and deletes the nonsense;) WE LOVE YOU AJFM
TISSUE WARNING (since I failed last chapter)
SONGS IN THIS CHAPTER: I highly recommend listening to them BOTH as you read:
Paperweight by Joshua Radin and Schyler Fisk
I won't give up by Jason Mraz
Now, let's get on with it….I believe this is what you've ALL been waiting for!
EPOV
I had to stay in the hospital for a week after I woke up. You would think after the first and second times in rehab I would have learned, but I didn't.
The doctors warned me about the risks I would be taking if I ever used heroin again. As this was my third overdose in the past couple of years, it was taking a toll on my body.
It seemed I was at risk for a lot of things.
My parents were threatening to get power of attorney over me.
The record company was threatening to sue me for the remainder of my contract.
The band had decided to cut me loose.
At this point, my health had to take priority.
So for the third time, I checked in to rehab. This time, I went to the best of the best in Seattle so I could be closer to my parents.
I realize now I needed their ongoing support. I had to clean up my act and prove to them I was worthy of their love. They loved me and did all they could do to help me get my life back on track. It was all a big help, but I could never shake the feeling like something or someone was missing. The other half of my soul; I craved Bella worse than I had ever craved a drug.
While I still yearned for Bella, I came to realize all the dreams we shared together may never come true.
Even though I dreaded the thought of it, my dad was right. I had to let her go.
My parents and I had quite a few long discussions about how I'd been living my life and how I'd been waiting for that moment when Bella reappeared so I could start to live again. I couldn't do that anymore. As much as it killed me, I had to live for me, to make me healthy, happy and fulfilled. I alone could make me happy, and if Bella ever joined my life again, then I would be ready to make a life with her. If not, then at least I would be living and not the alternative.
As I maintained my sobriety, I spent a lot of time in a therapist's chair. He had me detail the course of our childhood and the early teenage years we spent in our little bubble. I told the psychiatrist about the first time I'd ever met Bella all the way through our torrid three day rendezvous in New York. I wrote in my journal, I wrote unsent letters and I sang to her in my room when I was alone at night.
I had asked my parents to find out where she was, but all they knew of the Swan family was that Charlie had moved to California after he retired and that Renee had died last year of cancer. No one really knew where Bella was anymore.
I had tried to Google her once I got out of rehab and had access to the internet, but after her last performance in New York a few years ago, there was nothing else on her.
She still came to me in my dreams, as well as my nightmares.
I just needed to see her with my own eyes to make sure she was okay, even if she was attached to someone else.
I had this sick need to find out if she still loved me in any form, if she ever thought about me or even cared how I was doing.
There was a small part of me that was totally panicked, because God forbid, what if she didn't love me anymore?
What if she didn't want me anymore or she was happy with someone else?
I'd have to figure out a way to let her go, permanently.
I wasn't looking forward to either of those scenarios, but I finally felt like I was in control of my life enough that I could manage to work through it without the use of drugs.
I started to write my own music again and played solo in a few small clubs and coffee bars. I didn't want fame or recognition. I just wanted to play my music.
I wanted to sing about my life with Bella. It was one way I could keep her with me as the lyrics were memories of our life together in a time long ago.
I often drifted off to sleep as I strummed my fingers over my guitar strings, only to dream of the last night we were together.
"Baby, I've missed you so much. Holding you in my arms is like the greatest feeling of comfort I have ever experienced." I said as I tightened my arms around her little body.
She snuggled deeper into my chest and kissed the swan tattoo on my left pec. "I love you, Edward. So much in fact, it feels like my heart will burst with the heaviness of it all." She said quietly as her naked tits began to gently rub against my bare skin as she rocked smoothly against me.
"Mmmhmm, you feel so good up against me. Princess, I need to be inside of you again. I need to feel us connected like that, always." I murmured against her neck as I started to nip and suck. I hoped to mark her and claim her as mine.
"Please, Knight ... please." She begged through bated breaths as I positioned myself at her entrance. I slowly glided into her wet heat as I groaned at the feel of her body as it surrounded me. I would never get tired of being inside of Bella.
"Deeper ..." she pled as I hitched her leg up over my thigh and felt the pull of her pussy as I sunk a little further into her body.
"Fuck." I moaned with a push and then a pull, as I set a steady but slow rhythm. I wanted us to make love, for us to connect, and join our bodies together, not just fuck each other. This with Bella was always more to me, never just a quick fuck to get my rocks off.
I opened my eyes to find her staring at me. Our eyes remained locked on one another as we rocked in sync and slipped into oblivion together.
Both of us struggled to breathe after the magnificent feeling of release as well as the intensity of the moment we'd just shared.
It was the memory of our last time together that plagued both my dreams and my nightmares for the past several years. Moments like those were meant to last a lifetime, and I prayed it wouldn't be the last time we'd ever get to share those feelings. I prayed that prayer with more sincerity than anything else I had ever asked for in my life. I knew God had no reason to grant me this request, but I begged for it anyway with the hope I had not used up my last bit of favor from him.
I couldn't go on that way. I had to live for me, here, now.
I had to figure out what my dreams were and start going after them … sober.
My final three month stint in rehab helped me learn it was okay for me to continue to love Bella, but at the same time move on with my life.
So, that's what I did.
I was now twenty-four years old and starting all over in the industry. I wanted to write music, play a little, but I no longer desired fame, a huge following or big checks at the end of the night. I was over the 'Rockstar' persona of Eddie Masen already. I needed a new name, one that would reflect my mature, less punk music I planned to play. A name that held no past mistakes or sins attached to it. I chose the only other name I could picture myself with … a name that belonged to someone almost as close to me as my own parents were. Carlisle and Esme's name … Cullen.
I just wanted to be Edward Cullen, musician. I wanted to play more of the music I wrote and loved. I wanted the songs to mean something when I sang them and not just because it was what the public wanted to hear or the record companies demanded of me.
I didn't want to be rushing around from place to place while on the road or living out of a tour bus under the authority of the band manager, the publicist or the record company. I wanted to live my life and actually remember it.
I wanted to remember why music was my passion again. So, I started small, writing a few songs here and there for up and coming new artists. Then my dad and I met a producer who was willing to take a chance on me.
One night after a set, I ran into Emmett McCarty. I knew who he was of course. I'd met him more than a few times at various studio functions. I'd also heard he now worked for a new, fresher label; it was less about being mainstream and more about being a great artist. The label concentrated less on doing things the same old way and more on working the industry a little differently through their artists.
I was reluctant to sit down with him at first. However, once he explained the type of artist he looked for and what expectations he'd had for my career, I knew I owed myself a chance to see it through.
He offered to give me creative control; which meant I got to choose what I wrote, played and sang. That's what I had asked for all along, begged for it in fact. With the band, I never felt like I got a chance to prove what I truly could do and who I was as an artist.
Emmett arranged for me to play at a very small venue; it was a newer club, and they needed the press as much as I did. He also set up a small promotional campaign to see what kind of public interest I would draw. I was a little leery of the publicity as I tried extremely hard to keep my name out of the media and off the tabloid covers. He reassured me it wouldn't be anything too over the top or outlandish.
And, for some reason, I trusted Emmett. He was genuine and personable, not to mention he had an amazing head for this business, but at the same time, he had this childish banter he carried on to make you relaxed and at ease with him. I knew he was married and his wife had been some kind of dancer who now worked as a choreographer for some of the videos his company produced for their artists. He seemed like a normal, all-American guy.
He had heard most of the new stuff I'd written and was eager to hear what the public perception of it was as well. So, I agreed to all he offered and decided we'd negotiate the details after the concert scheduled for that night.
It's funny, because when I woke up that morning, something felt different. It was almost like an electric static in the air that kept me on high alert. I touched base with my parents, but there was nothing going on with them out of the norm, so I knew that wasn't it.
I couldn't shake the feeling something big was about to happen. I put my nervous energy to good use and sat down and wrote Bella a letter a few hours before the show.
God, how I wished she were there.
I wondered if she'd be happy for me. Would she be proud of me for taking the steps to get sober, or for breaking away from the band, hell for the simple fact that now I could say I lived my life on my own terms?
I hoped since Renee's death she'd been able to experience the same kind of freedom. The choice to wear what she wanted, listen to the music she wanted, roam the world as she wanted. Those were all options that had been taken from her under her mother's reign in her life from the time she was a small child.
It made me happy to think of her on some wild vacation where she got to cut loose, to tear up a dance floor or simply enjoy a meal of her choosing at an outlandish restaurant.
As much as I wanted all of that for Bella, it made me sad I wouldn't be there to enjoy those moments with her.
As I prepped for the show and listened to the venue owner scream about some last minute opening act changes, I closed my eyes and lay back on the couch.
We sat in the huge bathtub of the hotel, the water full to the brim. Our bodies closely meshed together as we shared the peaceful silence that surrounded us.
"I love you, Edward. Please don't ever forget that I love you." She said softly as her hands covered mine as they both laid splayed open across her stomach.
"Never, Princess. I love you, too. I've loved you all my life, why would I stop now?" I replied as I laid a gentle kiss on the side of her neck.
"I'm scared." Her voice trembled as I wrapped my legs over hers and pulled her back harder against the planes of my chest.
"I've got you, Princess. I'm holding you within my grasp. Nothing can tear us apart, do you hear me?" I waited for her nod before I continued. "Nothing and no one. You belong to me, as I belong to you." I said with determination and authority.
I couldn't admit to her I was scared shitless, too. I knew if I lost her right now I would be back to my old lifestyle in a matter of minutes. Without her I was as lost as she was without me.
Later that night while she slept in bed, I wrote a song in my head.
'Been up all night
staring at you
wondering what's on your mind
I've been this way
with so many before
But this feels like the first time
You want the sunrise
To go back to bed
I want to make you laugh
Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight
Happy to lay here
Just happy to be here
I'm happy to know you
Play me a song
Your newest one
Please leave your taste on my tongue
Paperweight on my back
Cover me like a blanket
Mess up my bed with me
Kick off the covers
I'm waiting
Every word you say I think
I should write down
I don't want to forget
Come daylight
And no need to worry
That's wastin time
And no need to wonder
What's the been on my mind
It's you
It's you
Every word you say I think
I should write down
Don't want to forget
Come daylight
And I give up
I let you win
You win 'cause I'm not counting
You made it back
To sleep again
Wonder what you're dreaming
As the sun started to peek through the blinds, I decided I wanted to do something special for Bella, that I should go get something for us to eat.
I kissed her forehead, slipped out of bed, got dressed and grabbed my wallet. I turned to look at her one last time before I quietly left the room.
That was the last time I saw Bella.
It had been so long that my memory played tricks on me whenever I passed a petite, long-haired brunette. I always had to stop and look, just to double check, to make certain it wasn't her.
A knock on the door brought me back to the present as Emmett's face popped in the door. "You ready?" He asked as he walked into the room and shut the door behind him.
"As ready as I'll ever be." I said with a small laugh as my hand rubbed my chest.
Emmett raised his eyebrow in response to my reaction. "Feeling okay?" He asked with concern.
I halted the motion across my aching heart, as I had now become more conscious of the movement.
"Yeah," I said with a sigh and grabbed a bottle of water off the table in front of me. "Just a long term ache only one person can soothe."
He broke out into a childish grin. "Ah, a chick."
I smiled at him. "A princess." I replied and grabbed a smoke.
"Sweet. I'm married to one of those, ya know." He said with a laugh and sat down beside me as he scooted an ashtray in front of me. "Wanna talk about it?" He asked quietly.
"I just miss her. She's been on my mind, constantly. I just wish she were here." I said with honesty, because I knew the relationship between us was built on trust. He was a consummate professional and would never divulge my personal information to the press or anyone else for that matter; unlike Peter, who sold me out to the highest bidder.
"So call her, man." He said and slapped me on the back.
I took a long drag off my cigarette and watched the smoke twirl around my head as my mind played with that same exact thought.
"I wish I could, but I have no idea where the hell she is." My heart ached at the thought of her alone somewhere in this world.
"Fuck, dude, that sucks." He stood and walked towards the door.
He paused for a moment at the door and then turned back to me. "It's a packed house out there, time to show me what you've got." Emmett's eyes twinkled as he waggled his eyebrows at me and opened the door.
"Five minutes 'til intro." Someone else spoke and when I turned back to face him, he was gone.
I put out my smoke, finished my bottle of water and grabbed the leather jacket off the back of the chair.
I had to put my stage face on as I looked in the mirror. As I gazed at myself, I wondered if Bella would even recognize me now. My hair was longer and needed to be cut, because I couldn't keep it out of my eyes. And while the eyeliner and spiked hair were no longer a part of my look, the piercings remained. I had metal in my eyebrow, my nose, my lips and my chin. I had it a few other places too, but you'd never know about them unless you saw me naked.
My clothes were simple nowadays, long gone were the skinny leather pants, studded belts and vests of my punk rock era. I had on a pair of torn jeans, my black steel toe boots, a t-shirt and my leather jacket.
I turned away from the mirror and prepared myself for the stage. The air seemed to buzz, and once again, I felt a strange electric current that flowed through me and raised my senses to high alert. I didn't know what it was, but it didn't feel bad.
I grabbed my guitar case and popped it open before I strapped on my favorite piece. I said a quick serenity prayer, grabbed an extra bottle of water and headed out into the hallway.
The whole time I was on stage, I had this feeling I was being watched. Not like normal attention from the crowd, because that feeling I knew. This was different; it was more intense, more kinetic.
I pictured Bella in my mind as I started my next song. It truly conveyed all that I wanted to show her through my words that I still felt. And how I would never, ever give up on the love I felt for her. I put my guitar down and sat behind the piano as the music filled the room the words came easy as her face appeared in my mind.
Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmmm ... Hmmm ...
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
It almost settled my nerves and gave me peace, and as a last minute change, I decided to play a brand new song I had just written two days before. I leaned into the microphone and spoke a few simple words. "This is for Bella." It felt indescribable to get it out, to free it so the world could share that burden with me.
I was satisfied I had done the best I could, so I finished the last song and made my way off stage only to run into someone.
My heart stopped as I saw her ... it wasn't a dream. It definitely didn't feel like a dream as my arms melted around her into the tightest grip I'd ever placed on someone.
Bella.
My Bella was in my arms ... finally.
A/n: Well? Did you expect that?
I've been DYING to get to this chapter. I had written it MONTHS ago...and couldn't wait til ya'll read it.
I'm now DYING for ya'll to read ch12;) BUT, we need to hear from Bella next!
See ya Thursday;)
Kyla