westlife4ever80, I'm sorry you found it hard to read, but thank you for sticking with it and writing a review. It is horrible to think sometimes women have no choice but to go through this. It must be so horrible even if you are doing it by choice - though it probably doesn't always feel like a choice.
Bonnie Sveen Fan, thank you for your review. I'm so relieved you liked the chapter and found it moving. I'm glad you felt for all of them too, including Cal - although he's not losing his child, it must be horrible thing to see someone you love go through that.
Forever Fabrey, I think it's okay to feel sad for Alicia. Even though it was her decision, she is suffering very much now and it is hard seeing someone suffer, even if they did make a big contribution to their own suffering. Thank you for your review. I'm so glad you like the story, despite the sadness.
Tanith Panic, thank you for your review. I really am so happy and relieved the chapter turned out okay and that Alicia comes across as being caring. I love the bond between Cal and Ethan too - I just wish they spent a bit less time hating each other, even though Cal has reason to hate Ethan now.
20BlueRoses, thank you for your review. Yes, I did have a feeling you rather liked Cal and Ethan! It's funny how you can sometimes end up feeling more for a different character. I didn't plan on making Alicia quite so sympathetic, but that's how it turned out. I'm so glad you think I handled this well.
InfinityAndOne, I think Alicia will probably face a lot of negative opinions, but Louise and Lily are doing their best - which is perhaps ironic as they're not known for being the most sympathetic! I wonder how Robyn will react - she came so close to doing the same thing. Thank you for your review.
They ate in silence. They hadn't spoken since Ethan had stopped crying. Speaking probably seemed like too much for Ethan at the moment. But the silence didn't bother Cal because he felt as though he and Ethan didn't need to speak. They could understand each other. He could see enough of how Ethan was feeling not to have to answer. He knew when Ethan needed a hug. He knew when Ethan was about to cry.
What did it matter how they communicated as long as they could?
And as long as they did.
At last, Ethan stopped eating. He stared at the plate for a moment before placing his knife and fork neatly on the plate. He looked exhausted. To Cal, he seemed both like a vulnerable child and someone much older who had seen too much.
Cal looked at Ethan's plate. He hadn't eaten everything, but perhaps he'd had enough for now. Cal decided there was nothing to gain by pushing him to eat more. "Shall I take your plate, Nibbles?"
Ethan nodded. He tried to smile. "Thank you, Cal. It was lovely," he whispered.
Cal was fairly certain Ethan hadn't tasted a single mouthful, but he was touched by his words all the same. He patted Ethan's arm and moved both their plates onto the floor. Cal wasn't that hungry either.
He put his arm around Ethan again and felt both happy and sad when Ethan rested his head on his shoulder.
"Thank you," whispered Ethan.
Cal knew he meant for being here; for not turning him away when he needed him so badly. "You're my little brother, Ethan. I love you. You could steal every girlfriend I've ever had and that wouldn't change."
Ethan's eyes filled with tears again. "How could she do it, Cal?"
Cal hugged him closer, knowing he wasn't talking about Cal and Alicia. "I don't know, Ethan. I suppose in the end, she wasn't strong enough."
"I can understand that," said Ethan, as a single tear fell. "It is a lot to deal with and if she'd come to me and said she couldn't cope… well, I don't know what I would have said, but I would have listened." His eyes filled. "But she didn't even tell me, Cal!"
"I know." Cal pulled Ethan into his arms. "I don't suppose she wanted to hurt you, any more than you and Alicia wanted to hurt me. Or any more than I wanted to hurt you on far too many occasions to count. But she should have discussed it with you."
"I wish she had," said Ethan. "But what would she have said? And what would I have said?" Ethan's voice broke. "Oh, Cal, why did this have to happen? Why did my baby have to have it? Why did I?" Cal felt Ethan's shoulders shaking. "What am I going to do?"
Cal held Ethan tightly and wished he had an answer. But the truth was there probably wasn't an answer. "I don't know what you'll do, Ethan. You need time… But whatever you do, you won't be doing it alone. I'm here. I might not be able to do much. I might not be able to do anything. But I'm not going anywhere."
Alicia was sitting beside Louise on the sofa, holding a cold mug of tea. "So what now?"
"I don't know," said Louise, but her voice was sympathetic. "That's really for you to decide, but I'm here, okay?"
"What will everyone say?"
"It's a difficult one," said Louise. "Abortion always brings out strong feelings. We've got to be neutral about it at work, but it's complicated and it's always different when it's a friend."
"They'll think I should have told Ethan. And they're right. But how do you tell someone that? And what do you do if you can't agree?" Alicia fought back tears. "Will they say it was my decision because I was carrying the baby? Or will they think I should have gone through with the pregnancy on the grounds that Ethan feels able to bring the child up?"
"There's probably not one right answer," said Louise. "Every couple is different. All you can do is discuss it and see what happens. Maybe, knowing Ethan wanted the baby so badly would have given you the strength to feel you could do this after all."
Alicia looked away.
"Or maybe Ethan would have agreed with you that he couldn't give his child the life he was going to have," said Louise. "We don't know what would have happened."
"Because I didn't ask," whispered Alicia.
"It's even possible he'd already come to the same conclusion," said Louise. "No-one knows better than Ethan what it's like living with something like this hanging over you. But..." Louise paused and looked apologetically at Alicia. "You didn't give him the chance to say how he felt."
Alicia put her cup down and buried her face in her hands.
"A lot of people won't get as far as thinking about that," said Louise. "They'll get their minds stuck on the abortion issue. But wherever you stand on that… you didn't ask him, Alicia. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. But it's something you'll have to deal with. With other people and in your head."
Alicia said nothing.
"They might get over it," said Louise. "Everyone was angry when Zoe cheated on Max, but it didn't take long before she was accepted again by most people. But someone like Lily… we just couldn't forgive her for what she did to you. After a few months, things did settle down a little bit, but she's never really been one of us. It still sticks in our minds. Lily and Ethan used to be really close, but not now."
"Lily was really kind to me," said Alicia. "And she and Ethan have been closer recently. She's been supporting him. She really cares about him, but she still supported me. She was upset when I told her I hadn't told Ethan what I was going to do and she told me if I didn't tell Ethan, she'd tell him herself. But I understand and respect that. If someone else did something like that to Ethan, I think I'd be mad too."
Louise hesitated. "Well… Lily can be a bit interfering sometimes, but I might have done the same in this case. With some things it doesn't matter so much if you tell them straight away or if you wait a while - it does often get worse if you leave it longer, but the situation is basically the same whether you tell them now or tomorrow or next week. But something like this… at least you gave Ethan the chance to be there for your baby at the end."
"But who can blame him for not taking it when that would have meant spending time with me?" said Alicia, her eyes full of tears.
"I do see where he's coming from," admitted Louise. "But even though I'm a bit funny with abortion, I do see where you're coming from too. I can't imagine how it would feel being in your situation. You can't really judge. Though that won't stop people."
"No," agreed Alicia softly. "It won't."
"So… um… how do you feel about Alicia now?" asked Cal diffidently.
Ethan wasn't sure why Cal would need to know that, but even if he did want to answer, he didn't know what he would have said. There were so many feelings, fighting inside him. He loved Alicia. He hated her. He was angry with her. He was angry with himself. He was shocked by what she'd done. He understood it completely. He felt guilty for what he'd done. He felt betrayed by what Alicia had done. He didn't know how they could possibly move forward from this. He could hardly bear the thought of living without her.
Ethan shook his head. A part of him still believed it couldn't be true. This was Alicia and this was their baby. She wouldn't. She couldn't.
But she had.
"Ethan?" said Cal.
Ethan turned to look at him. While Cal's question had made no sense to him, he had the impression it was important. He cuddled closer to Cal and tried to answer his question. "I don't know. I'm devastated. Angry. Shocked. I also don't believe it. I'm half-expecting her to say it's all a joke – it's a horrible joke to play and I don't know how I'd deal with that, but at least if it's a joke, then I've still got a baby."
Ethan felt Cal's chest rise and fall in a slow sigh. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm sorry for what's happened. You know I mean that, don't you? You know I didn't want this to happen; you know I'm not even the tiniest bit happy?"
"I know," said Ethan, and as he said it, he realised it was true.
He knew his brother. He knew the many bad things he was capable of – but he knew the many good things he was capable of too.
Cal felt no happiness about what had happened to Ethan and Alicia. None at all.
He would rather see them living together happily than see Ethan going through this.
Ethan's arms tightened around Cal in love and gratitude. He was so lucky to have Cal.
"There… there is just one thing," said Cal slowly; reluctantly. "I know this might upset you and that's the last thing I want, but if I don't bring it up now…"
Ethan's heartrate sped up. He looked at Cal, afraid of what he might say.
"Ethan…" Cal moved so he could see Ethan's face. Cal's own face was sad. He kept one arm around Ethan and held tightly to Ethan's other hand. "I know I'm going to say this wrong. I know I'm going to hurt you and I really don't want that. But it's got to be said. Alicia's losing your baby. However it occurred that fact is still true and whatever you feel about Alicia, I know you love your baby. So if you want to say goodbye to him or her, in whatever way you want to…"
Ethan started to shake. His eyes blurred with tears. He hadn't even considered it before, but he knew Cal was right. He hadn't said goodbye to his baby and perhaps this would be his last chance. He gripped tightly to Cal's hand. "Yes. Yes. I want to. I've got to. Please… go with me?"
"Of course I will," said Cal.