Falls apart

She falls apart, by herself, no ones there to talk or understand,

feels sustained, dries her eyes, finds herself, opens the door inside,

people see right through you, everyone who knew you well,

falls apart, might as well, day is long and nothing is wasted.

Sugar Ray – Falls apart

As I sat on the plane I tried my hardest to keep my tears from coming back. I didn't really feel like making myself the girl to gawk at in front of a bunch of strangers. Hearing the captain over head say we were landing in 10 minutes, my heart began to sink fast. I was back in Michigan. My original home, and my home once again. And I was completely lost as to what to do next.

I had called Jared as I sat in the terminal waiting for my plane to board. Of course he didn't answer. I figured he was still in Europe, but if there was anyone I needed to talk to at that moment, it was Jared. I had left him a very vague message, hoping he would hear the urgency in my voice and call me as soon as he could. How was he going to react? I didn't think he was going to flip out like I thought Criss would, but I also knew that it was going to take him by surprise. And I wanted to hear his excuses as to why he never told me about us sleeping together. I wasn't angry, just disappointed that he would do something like that.

I had wondered if there was something wrong with me. After my escape from the hospital, I started to think that losing the baby was for the best, under the circumstances. I knew that the baby was going to cause problems between Criss and I. He didnt want a baby. But then to find out the baby wasn't his. What kind of monster was I? Or maybe I was in some state of shock.

If you would have asked me two weeks ago what I wanted the most, my answer would have been a baby. Christopher Sarantakos' baby. I wanted so much to start a family with him. Regardless of what had recently happened, I still loved Criss, more than anything. And I still wanted to start a family with him, but at that point, I realized it wasn't possible. I couldn't face Criss after what I had found out, and I knew Criss and I were over. If you were to ask me right then what I wanted the most, it would have been to start all over. To have a fresh start. And at that moment, I was glad Criss didn't know the extent of what was going on.

As I sat outside of the airport, waiting for my taxi to arrive, my phone alerted me of a text message. I closed my eyes and inhaled. I knew who it was from, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. I looked down and my heart sank as I read the message.

Lana, please come home, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said. I love you. Please come home.

I tried my hardest to hold the tears back as I deleted the message. I didn't want to deal with any of it anymore. It was then that I realized, wiping Criss from my existence was the only way I was going to get past all of this.

On the taxi ride home, I had thought long and hard of how I was going to handle things. And I didn't came up with much. I had to call the studio and see if they would let me have my job back. I had saved up money, but living in Nevada for almost 2 months with no income, my funds were almost depleted. And I had left all of my things back at serenity. Luckily I had left some clothes at my house, just in case we needed to visit Michigan without time to pack. I almost wondered if I had subconsciously thought that someday I was going to need the house to run back to.

Criss had payed off my mortgage when we moved to Nevada, and I didn't feel right living in a house he paid for. So I had decided to call my relator in the morning and see what I could do about selling my house. I didn't fancy the idea, I loved my house, but I didn't want to be living in a house that my ex fiancee had paid for. It didn't seem morally right. If I sold the house, then I would pay Criss back, and hopefully find a nice apartment for rent.

I managed to hold myself together until the taxi had pulled up to my house. My old home, the one I had bought years ago with my hard earned money, the one I had spent so many years alone in, and now it was the one I would come back to when my life didn't turn out the way I expected it to.

I struggled with my keys as I searched for the right one to my front door. Stupid keys! I could feel my frustration building up again. Too much had happened, and it happened all at once. It was no secret that I was bad at handling stress. And this was getting to be too much.

"Stupid fucking keys!" I yelled as I jammed the wrong key into the door knob. I pushed and pulled on the key, wiggling it trying to pull it free. "Oh.. my.. god! Get out you asshole!" I screamed. I felt my tears silently make their way down my check. Not tears of sadness, but tears of frustration. I yanked on the key some more but it wasn't moving. I kicked the bottom of the door hard and it sent me spinning backwards. Suddenly my shoulders were stopped by a firm pair of hands.

"Lana? Everything okay?" I looked up to see Jared standing in front of me. His now fully bleach blond hair had grown slightly since I had seen him last, still spiked up into the air, making his hair look somewhat scruffy due to its length. His usual dark jeans and leather jacket was all I needed to see to get a sudden feeling of familiarity. My heart didn't ache as much with Jared in my presence.

"Jared? How did you?" I struggled to say.

"I came as soon as I got your message. We were already on our way home from the tour, we just made a detour. You sounded upset, what's going on?"

"I just cant do it anymore Jared." I whimpered. He could see my tears in the dim moonlight. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his chest. I looked up at him and all I could see on his face, was concern.

"What the hell is going on Lana?" he asked me as he hugged me tighter. I snacked my arms behind him and placed my hands on his shoulders, and hugged him back equally as tight. "What did he do to you?" he whispered, almost as if he was speaking to himself. He held me tightly, holding the back of my head as he stroked my hair. He held me silently as I sobbed. "I'm gonna kill that fucker!" he mumbled.

"Come on." He said once he noticed my sobbing had slowed. He let me go, turned to the door knob, and with no trouble, pulled out the key, placed in the right one and swung open the front door. He led me to the couch and sat me down before he disappeared into the kitchen. I snagged a blanket from the back of my couch and wrapped it around me. I cursed at myself for being such a wimp. The last thing Jared wanted to do was come home from touring, and sit here listening to me cry about everything. The only thing that stopped me from sparing him the sob story, was the fact that it did actually involve him too. I wiped my tears and tried to perk up. I didn't really enjoy being such a cry baby about everything. He returned with two cans of soda and handed me one before he plopped onto the couch next to me. I was surprised that there was still anything in the fridge.

"Pop? I could use more to drink than a pop." I huffed. Getting utterly smashed sounded like a great idea right now.

"Pop?" he raised an eyebrow with amusement. "You really are from Michigan aren't you? I think for now we can deal with just soda." he chuckled. "Now, whats going on? I know I've been gone for a while, but it wasn't enough time for you to get yourself into that much trouble." He said and took a sip of his can.

"Jared, a lot of things have happened since you left." I pulled my legs into my chest and rested my chin on top.

"Just start from the beginning." He told me, clearly seeing that it was going to be a long and serious conversation.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me we had sex?" I glared up at him. His jaw dropped, his can of soda halted half way to his mouth and he stared at me. He cleared his throat and placed his can onto the table.

"You remember?" he asked.

"No."

"Then how?"

"Its all over the tabloids Jared. Someone had gotten a picture of us.. doing it.. and it made its way into the press." I explained to him, watching him carefully.

"Shit." he whispered and folded his hands together. "Lana, I'm sorry. I.. I don't know why I didn't tell you. I guess," he sighed heavily, "I guess I wanted you to remember on your own."

"But why? Why was it so important that I remembered? Why couldn't you just tell me?"

"Because I love you Lana." he admitted. He snuck a side ways glance at me, looking for my reaction.

"I love you too Jared. You're my best friend."

"No, Lana, I love you, I'm in love with you." he stared down at his hands, not looking up at me. I didn't know what to say. I loved Jared. Maybe even more than I was supposed to. But I was in love with Criss. My love for Jared couldn't trump my love for Criss. How could I explain that to him without being a total bitch about it? I threw my hands over my face and sighed.

"Jared." I mumbled. "Why?" I said more as a question to god as to why I was going through all of this.

"Because you're everything Ive ever wanted in a woman. You're,"

"Stop. Please, just stop." I cut him off, closing my eyes. "Ive gone through this speech with too many guys in my lifetime and I'm sick of hearing it. I don't get it! Why does every male I come in contact with have to fall in love with me? Why cant I just have one guy friend? I'm nothing special! I'm a choreographer from Michigan for shits sake!" I was starting to shout. I took a couple breaths to calm down. I realized that my outburst had the worst time ever. Jared was admitting his love for me, and I completely shut him down. He was vulnerable, and I had just made it worse.

"I'm sorry Jared. I didn't mean to," I placed my hand on his shoulder and he looked up at me. "Jared," I whispered. I bit my lip, not sure what to say.

"You don't get it? I asked you to go to Europe with me Lana. I don't ask every girl I know to come touring with me. I thought maybe, if you came with me, it would be just us. That I could finally make you see what you meant to me. Buts its never going to be just us, is it? Its always going to be Criss." He hung his head, placing his hands over his face.

"I saw you two got engaged. What happened?" he mumbled into his hands.

"I was pregnant." I blurted out before I could think better of it. He turned to face me, his eyes as if he'd just seen a ghost.

"You what?"

"With your baby Jared." his face had lost all color.

"What?" he gritted his teeth. This was going to be a longer conversation than I had originally thought.