Hello everyone! Did everyone enjoy last night's Casualty? Poor Ethan and Cal :( I just want to hug them both! Here's the next update, we meet two new characters and discover much more about one...this is probably the longest chapter I've ever posted and so I apologise if it's too long, I hate when chapters go on and on and on and so I'll try and avoid doing that for the rest of this story. Anyways, please let me know your thoughts on this chapter I'm intrigued on what you'll make of it, thanks, Kayxxx :)

*Warning this chapter contains possible triggers*

Home for the holidays – Chapter Twenty-one

Ethan and Rube made their way through the ED together laughing hysterically; Rube had his guitar over his shoulder. Cal, who was stood at reception, made his way over and watched them amused as tears of laughter streamed down Rube's face, Ethan took off his glasses to dry his eyes as he still continued to chuckle.

"Care to share the joke?" Cal chuckled; their laughter was contagious.

But it only caused them to laugh more, Rube hunched over as he laughed, "Ethan..." He began trying to explain but he couldn't speak without bursting out into a fit of laughter again, "Ethan tried to make, some...what even was it?" Rube laughed.

"It was supposed to be cheese on toast" Ethan explained with a smile.

"Seriously?!" Rube asked before he burst out laughing again, Cal smiled along though he had no clue what the pair were going on about. Rube took a deep breath to compose himself, "Ethan tried making cheese on toast for breakfast but he forgot about it and ended up burning it so the fire alarm is screeching everywhere at 6am on Christmas morning around the entire block of flats, he couldn't reach the alarm to switch it off so he had to get me up to do it, the flat was covered in smoke, the breakfast was black and rock hard, he had neighbours knocking on the door complaining and he's stood there arguing with them saying "where's your Christmas spirit?!" it was the funniest thing ever" Rube laughed hysterically with Ethan once more.

"You had to be there" Ethan told Cal with a smirk.

Rube cleared his throat and began singing, "No silent night, no holy night, nothing's calm, nothing's bright because it's covered in smoke!" He sung as he and Ethan chuckled again.

"Oh well I'm glad you two are getting on" Cal rolled his eyes.

"How's Lockie?" Rube asked.

"...not too good" Cal admitted. Rube and Ethan's smiles dropped instantly, "the chemo has got to be strong to kill off as many cancerous cells as it can before they start the transplant, he's not taking it well, he looks awful just a heads up" Cal explained.

"Right" Rube nodded as he prepared himself.

"He'll be happy to see you though, you should go up" Cal smiled sympathetically.

"I will do" Rube nodded as he made his way to the lift and pressed the button, "Are you coming up?" He asked Ethan.

"I'll be up soon" Ethan told him as the lift doors opened.

Robyn walked through the doors with Lofty and Max with a frown etching her face, "I can't believe we're working Christmas Day, this is going to be the worst day ever" she sulked as she made her way to reception, not even noticing Rube.

Rube turned to the doors the second he heard her voice, he followed her with his eyes as she walked past. He looked up at the wall to find some mistletoe hung there as a decoration, he pulled it down and made his way over to her holding it behind his back. He tapped her on her right shoulder but stood at her left, she laughed when she saw it was him.

"Surely Christmas in here can't be that bad nurse Miller?" He teased.

"There is nothing that can change my mood, it's Christmas morning I should be at home in my pjs opening presents and watching movies, not cleaning up people's sick" she whined.

Rube held the mistletoe above her head but she hadn't noticed, "Maybe I could help contribute to at least trying to make you smile today?" He asked as he gestured with his eyes to the mistletoe above her head.

She looked up confused, "Oh" she spoke in realisation and her face turned bright red.

He smiled at her beautifully and pressed his lips against hers causing everyone to stare, Max and Lofty's jaws dropped.

"Merry Christmas Robyn...with a Y" Rube winked and placed the mistletoe in her hands. She was stood frozen in shock as Rube walked back over to the lift. Cal and Ethan looked at him knowingly.

"I'm a straight man and even I'm jealous you've just got to kiss him" Max spat out as he placed his hands on Robyn's shoulders.

"Oi oi, is that bad boy Ruben Wolfe I see?" A girl's voice called from the ED entrance. It was yet another voice that owned an Australian accent, but it was a much softer accent than anyone else in Cal's family.

Rube turned to face the doors and a smile grew across his face instantly as a young girl walked into reception with her hands filled with Christmas bags a boy at her side holding some more bags and some flowers. Straight away Ethan knew this girl belonged in Cal's family because she was just as attractive as the rest of them. She was tall, thin, blue eyed, she had long thick blonde hair that flowed down her back, her face was defined, her waist was thin, her legs went on for days; she was beautiful.

"Vicky!" Rube announced as he walked over her with open arms, "you took your time" he said as he hugged her.

"You need to stop growing!" She told him as she pulled away from him.

He then turned to her boyfriend and shook hands with, "you alright bro?" Her boyfriend asked.

"Alright Danny, you been looking after our Vic?" Rube asked protectively.

"As always buddy" Danny smiled as he put his arm around Vicky's shoulder.

"Cal!" She smiled as he walked over and they hugged. Ethan stayed back awkwardly.

"Merry Christmas eh!" Danny announced.

"Yeah..." Cal replied and exchanged an awkward glance with Rube; the day didn't feel very merry.

"Ah Rube I've been looking forward for this trip, can't wait to get back out with my drinking buddy" Danny put his arm around him.

"Actually, I've give up drinking now" Rube replied.

"What?!" Danny snapped.

"Is it because of this eh?" Vicky asked as she poked Rube's stitched up nose.

"Hey it hurts enough without you whacking it!" Rube told her with a smirk.

"Aw is tough boy Rube hurting? Aw bless my cute little baby brother come here" she teased treating him as if he were a baby; she pinched his cheeks hard.

"Get off" Rube rolled his eyes and pushed her hands away.

"How long have you not drank for then?" Danny asked.

"Well...I only stopped yesterday" Rube replied.

"Oh come on! Have a drink tonight mate it's Christmas! Make it your New Year's resolution; don't tell me you're going to be sober for New Year's Eve!" Danny tried to twist his arm.

"Nah mate I'm sticking to it, I need to it prove to myself that I can do it" Rube replied responsibly.

"Okay then, good on you" Danny patted him on the back.

"How's the little man doing anyway?" Danny asked.

"I haven't seen him yet today I was just on my way up" Rube replied looking at Vicky, "but Cal said he's not doing too well today, he's started on chemo again" he said, concern grew across Vicky's face instantly.

"How're mum and dad?" She asked.

"They're dealing with it well" Rube told her.

She nodded, "And you?" She asked sincerely.

Rube hesitated for a moment, "let's go up and see him eh?" He asked changing the subject and made his way back over to the lift with her, Danny followed them.

"How's his list coming along?" Vicky asked.

"Good, he's got loads done" he told her as the lift doors opened.

"I've got him a toy snake for one of his Christmas presents, mum would never let him get s real one but I think he'll get it" she smiled as they walked into the lift.

"He'll love that, he'll give it a tick off on the list" Rube laughed as the doors shut.

"Why didn't Rube answer that question?" Ethan asked warily.

Ca shrugged and made his way to the shop.

"Cal..." Ethan said warily as he followed him, he knew Cal was hiding something.

"If he hasn't told you it's not my place to say" Cal told him as he looked at the magazines for Lockie.

"Caleb, it's me, you can tell me..." Ethan said starting to get concerned, Cal's sighed and looked at him, "you can trust me" Ethan looked him in the eye.

He hesitated for a moment, but he knew Ethan wouldn't give up nagging him so he'd be better coming out with it that leaving Ethan to ask Rube up front, "Rube suffers from depression Ethan" Cal told him, Ethan stepped back in shock, "it's not a new thing, he's been fighting his demons for years" He added.

"Cal, I had no idea..." Ethan's voice trailed off, "I mean I knew he had issues but..." He trailed off again as he thought.

"Yeah well don't be bringing it up or changing the way you act to him because he's taken to you Ethan and believe me with him that's rare" Cal told him.

Ethan couldn't help but feel privileged but it felt so wrong after what he'd just found out, "How long has he had it?" He asked.

"He's not the person you know now, he used to get bullied at school and stuff since primary school I think it was, he's had to switch schools loads of times, he got properly diagnosed when he was sixteen but I think, from what I've heard anyway, it started much much earlier. Everything with Lockie hasn't helped either. That's why he drinks and smokes so much; they help him find relief so we're all wondering how he'll survive without them" Cal explained.

Ethan shook his head in disbelief, "How bad is it?" He asked.

"How long's a piece of string?" Cal shrugged, "it varies, he gets himself in really dark places sometimes" he added.

"Would he ever cause harm to himself?" Ethan asked in dread.

All his brother's questions were getting to him, especially when they were on such a dark topic, "Look I haven't given it much thought Eth, and I don't really want to to be honest." Cal snapped.

"I can't believe it." Ethan shook his head.

"He's meant to be on antidepressants but he doesn't take them" Cal told him, "but you sort of forget about it really, I had until he had that break down yesterday and hugged me" he explained as the pair left the shop.

Upstairs Rube, Vicky and Danny walked into Lockie's room. He was lying on his side curled up holding onto his comfort blanket. His eyes were closed though he wasn't asleep, his cheeks were tear stained, he looked so ill, he looked small, thin, it didn't even look like him. He had Rube's black hat placed on his head and tubes attached to his arm, if you followed the tube up it was attached to a clear bag with a yellow label and the word 'chemotherapy' written in big black letters.

Rube was taken aback by the state of his little brother at first, shot a glance at his parents and smiled at them slightly before he kneeled down in front of Lockie, "Hey buddy" he whispered.

Lockie opened his eyes to look at him and then closed then again, "you've got some visitors" Rube told him.

Vicky kneeled down next to Rube and smiled at Lockie, "Hi Lockie, its Vicky" she told him.

Lockie looked at her and managed to smile, "going through this again eh?" She smiled sadly as she stroked some of his hair from his eyes, "you're so brave lovey" she kissed him on the head.

"Lockie we've got loads of presents for you when you feel up to it" Danny told him.

"Thank you" Lockie mumbled.

Vicky walked over to her parents, handed her mum a bunch of flowers and her dad one of the Christmas bags filled with presents "Merry Christmas" she smiled as she hugged them both.

"Oh you look gorgeous Victoria" Myra smiled as she gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Mum, dad how about you and Vic and Danny go back to the hotel for a coffee something? You could do with some sleep as well mum" Rube suggested; he was still kneeled down before Lockie.

"I'm not leaving Lockie on his own" Myra replied.

"I'll be with Lockie he's fine, plus there's Cal and Ethan as well don't worry" Rube told him.

"Okay, if you're sure?" Myra asked as she walked over to Rube.

"Yeah go for it, we'll be fine won't we kiddo?" He held his hand out for Lockie to high five. The boy slowly lifted up his weak hand and gently placed it on the palm of Rube's as the best he could do of a high five; he then intertwined his fingers with his older brother's and closed his eyes again. Rube held on to Lockie's hand tightly and smiled sadly.

"Thanks Ruben" His mother kissed him on the head, "He's a bit nauseas Rube so keep that bowl by him" she told him, "We won't be long honey" she kissed Lockie.

"Get some sleep mum" Rube told her and everyone left.

"Right then..." Rube sighed, "What shall we do?" he asked as he sat forward in his chair.

Lockie rolled his eyes, "I can't move, every time I move I go sick" He told him.

"Right okay then...something that doesn't involve moving" Rube thought.

"Sleep" Lockie mumbled and closed his eyes.

"Okay" Rube smiled, "You sleep and I can have a play on my new guitar" He grinned excitedly as he pulled it out of its case and held it gently in his hands as he examined it, "Ah you beauty" he whispered as he pulled up a chair beside Lockie and sat admiring it. He began playing it, singing quietly to himself as he did so, getting lost in his music as Lockie fell asleep. Many songs later Lockie rolled over in his sleep, Rube didn't even notice he was that lost in his playing; imagining himself on stage in his with each strum of his guitar. Suddenly Lockie shot up in his bed and covered his mouth with his hands; Rube placed his guitar down instantly snapping back into the room and stood up to Lockie's aid.

"What's up?" Rube asked him desperately, "Help!" he shouted out the door, Lockie pointed to his mouth and realisation grew over him suddenly, "Oh! The bowl!" he said as he reached over Lockie's bed to receive it but it was too late and Lockie vomited all over him, "Great" Rube sighed as he looked down at his shirt gagging at the smell of it.

"I'm sorry" Lockie cried.

"Was my singing that bad?" Rube teased, but Lockie still continued to cry, "Hey Lockie don't worry it wasn't your fault" Rube told him as he rubbed his back.

Cal and Ethan hurried in; "Ah" Ethan spoke in realisation as he noticed vomit-covered Rube.

"We had a bit of an accident" Rube told them.

"Come on let's get you cleaned up" Ethan smiled at Rube and led him towards the door.

"Are you okay matey?" Cal asked Lockie as Rube and Ethan left.

"I stink" Rube stated holding his breath.

"I've been here before, many, many times" Ethan told him as he walked into a cupboard and pulled out a grey scrub top for Rube to change into, "It's strange how the only one in your size is the one Cal used to wear" Ethan laughed as he led him through to the bathroom.

"I'll text my mum and get her to bring me a change of clothes" Rube told him.

Ethan closed the door behind them. Rube pulled off his vomit-covered t-shirt and threw it to the floor, as he did Ethan couldn't help but stare as he noticed something on the boy's torso, just below where his crucifix hung.

"They're called abs" Rube joked as he noticed Ethan's starring.

Ethan tore his eyes off Rube's torso and instead fixed them on the ground, "...no, the-the cuts" Ethan stated in shock.

Rube's eyes shot down to his torso and then back up at Ethan, he tried to snatch the clean shirt off him but Ethan grabbed his arm, "Your arms too?" He asked, "Oh Rube..." He sighed and looked up at him sympathetically.

Rube ragged the shirt from him and put it on quickly, "I bet my mum never imagined I'd be wearing a doctor's uniform one day" He laughed as he examined it.

"Rube why...?" Ethan asked sadly.

"Because I'd never be a doctor" Rube laughed.

"No, you know what I mean" Ethan pushed.

"It's none of your business" Rube replied sternly and walked over to the urinal.

Ethan stayed back awkwardly thinking how to go about this, "...Rube I can get you help you know" he stated.

Rube held his head back and smiled, though it was more of a smile in vain; "I don't want it" he shrugged.

Ethan shook his head; "But-" Rube cut him off as he flushed the urinal and turned to face him.

"Ethan stop" he told him as he walked over to wash his hands.

"Why?" Ethan mumbled. He couldn't comprehend why the boy would hurt himself.

"...It makes me feel better" Rube shrugged.

"But why on your body and your upper arms? I've never seen people cut there before" Ethan stated confused.

Rube sighed and splashed his face with water, "I used to cut him forearms because it was easier but that was when I was in secondary school, people started to notice and called me an attention seeker so I stopped doing it where people can see" he told him. Now he mentioned it Ethan could make out the faded scars on Rube's forearms, "But it got addicting, you know" he added as he put his arm up his shirt and ran his fingers over his cuts.

"Ruben..." Ethan sighed, "I had no idea-" Rube cut him off.

"Oh belt it Ethan!" He shouted, "Stop acting like Cal hasn't already told you I'm depressed, I'm not stupid" he snapped.

Ethan didn't know how to reply...

"And before you ask why I'm depressed the answer is I don't know, I just get these thoughts and it's horrible, when I drink I forget them, that's why I drink so much oh and before you ask why I haven't killed myself yet, don't think I haven't thought about it because I have, I had it planned out and everything but it's against my religion, God made this life and I'm not the one who's allowed to take it away, that's his job...that's the only thing that's stopped me" He admitted as he ran his hands through his hair.

"You feel trapped" Ethan stated now starting to understand.

Rube nodded in reply.

"Your parents, do they know?" Ethan asked warily, Rube tilted his head and Ethan nodded, "They think you've stopped because you don't do it where they can see anymore" Ethan sighed, Rube nodded.

"They've got enough on with Lockie, I don't want them worrying" Rube told him, "but I'm getting better now anyway...on my own" he smiled slightly.

"Rube you're not better if you're still hurting yourself" Ethan stated carefully.

Rube pulled his top back up exposing his cuts once more, "They've healed over now look, they're scabby, and most of them are faded. Come on Doctor Hardy, you know they aren't fresh wounds. I'd actually managed to forget about them until now" He said.

Ethan examined them and then nodded in agreement; there weren't any new cuts but that meant nothing. Rube was obviously going through his own thing, no wonder he had barriers up...Ethan then became very aware that this trip was no longer just about Lockie. Ethan looked up at him and suddenly his barriers were gone; he looked vulnerable and worn out, not the Rube everyone knew which made Ethan question...which was the true Rube? Tough guy Rube? Or was that just an act.

"Look Ethan, I trust you, let's just keep this between us okay?" Rube proposed. Ethan kept his head down; he couldn't promise that, "I'm strong enough to get through this and I know it. Something hit me not long ago and it made me see that I'm being selfish, Lockie was cooped up in hospital fighting for his life and I was thinking about ending mine...so I'm living for him now. Ethan, I'm okay, I'm not great, but I'm okay" He smiled reassuringly at him, Ethan nodded at him; he wasn't going to tell anyone Rube's secret but it did make him see him in a completely different light.