(Charon)
Finally, she rests. I can no longer stand to look at her, so I have to look away. I force myself, to concentrate only on my cigarette, and nothing else. Not even my own mind. There is no trusting it. No trusting myself. Dez lays on the gravel, between wall and tracks, her chest moving softly up and down. I was…shocked when I saw her. It almost, brought me to tears, for the first time, in years.
She is sickly thin, as Gob stated to me in Megaton. Dark circles reside beneath her eyes, and I know it is not lack of sleep that causes them. Her eyes although dark, were once bright and full of life. Now, they are hollow, empty. Her hair, is limp around her face, and cheekbones are slowly beginning to make themselves prominent. I know, what causes this. I know, that at the end of the days and years, I am the one, who is to blame.
Watching her cry as I did, without being able to show any emotion, nearly stopped my own beating heart. Still, Dez lives in the past. Yet, we would all like to do that, since the past holds good times. Fond memories of friends and laughter. As much as I wanted to comfort her, to wrap my arms around her and promise things I would do everything to keep, I could not find it in my heart to. Could not, submit her to staying by my side, as I once did. I know now, it will only cause her pain. My time here is limited, I can feel it, and I cannot rejoin her life, only to leave it again. Hurting her, is one of the things, I regret doing in my life.
I cannot deny, though, that when I heard her voice, and knew it was her the Raiders had captured…that there was life in me once again. That my old and tired body could move as swiftly as before, and my mind was sharp as it was in my prime. I do not know, if it was the sound of her voice, or her in danger, that caused this renewal of life in me. All I do know, is that it was brief, and my body still aches from it.
Putting my cigarette out in the gravel at my feet, I steal a glance at her. The burn in her leg is severe, and prone to infection if not treated. If I had reacted faster, perhaps I could have saved her from that. It is just another thing, I failed to do with her. I have failed many times, over and over, when dealing with Dez. I cannot bring myself, to let her down again.
Getting up I travel not far from her. A part of me does not feel right, leaving her alone in this tunnel. With the rain comes wanderers and Raiders looking for shelter. I can only imagine, the trouble that would come with them finding Dez asleep. Her jumpsuit gives way to who she is. I wonder, why she chose to wear it. Why she even chose, to follow me.
She did state, how she wanted things to go back. How she still loved me, and begged me to forgive her. I forgave her so many years ago, and only wished she knew it then. She claims, that the idea of family is still fresh in her mind, and she wants nothing more than to have one. It was my idea, to begin a family. All of her wants and desires, are mine as well. I cannot share that with her. Cannot go back to the life we once had, the passage of time is too much. It has been too long, and I do not know, if I am even able, to feel as I once did. I will love her, as she still loves me, but I do not know, if I can show her or even understand anymore, emotions that deep and powerful.
Entering a side room, I grab a first aid kid from the wall. Opening it I find a stimpak and gauze, enough to help the wound on her leg, if not heal it. When we get to Rivet City, I hope Dez is able to hold up her end of the bargain. I hope, she is able to walk away from me as she so planned, and that neither one of us can have angry feelings towards the other. Yet, I want her to hate me. I would not have acted so cold towards her, if I wanted her love. Do not misinterpret me I want her love as much as I did when I first realized how I felt for her, it is just simply…I do not deserve it. Do not deserve her time, if it is only to be wasted again. As much…as much as it kills me to picture her happy with another man, I know there is no other way. I know, that whomever she decides to begin a family with, will make her happier than I ever could now.
Walking back towards her, I am relieved to find her safe, and sleeping soundly. I listen before taking a step down onto the tracks, and hear nothing. No hissing of feral ghouls, no mocking cries of Raiders. Not even the rain pattering down from above. Yet I know it is still raining, because the air down here is thick and moist. It is almost suffocating. Stepping down, I tread softly over to her. I hope that she is still a heavy sleeper, because I would not want to wake her. I do not, rather, want to wake her.
I open the box, and pull out the stimpak. Biting the tip I know before I even get close to her thigh, that the stab will wake her. I know she will not mind me helping her, she always enjoyed it when I helped her in the past. As my hands graze the fabric of her suit, just as I predicted, she stirs in her sleep. Drowsily, she lifts her head and opens her eyes, staring at me.
"…Huh?"
She mutters, and I know there is no turning back.
"You are prone to infection. Let me help."
Dez turns her body around so that I can get to the burn easier. She sits up, watching me as she digs in her pocket. She pulls out a pack of cigarettes, and lights one for herself.
"How long…have I been sleeping?"
Dez hisses a bit as I stab the wound with the stimpak, but says nothing else.
"Not long."
"You don't have to do that."
"You will not be able to walk to Rivet City or defend yourself with this. I cannot be your first defense."
"You used to be."
My hands almost drop the roll of gauze as I wrap her thigh. I am able to catch myself, and continue with the roundabout motions.
"…I guess that was in the past though…"
"That is what we generally call things that once were."
It kills me, to be this cold to her. As I finish wrapping her leg, I stand and take a seat on the uprising. Dez looks at her thigh, and shakes her head. Propping herself up against the walling, she stares at the ground.
"You know…I never told you this…but when you loved me, I was able to love myself."
I wish, that she would stop.
"…But I think…after all this is said and done, I'll have finally learned something from it. In fact, I know I will."
"What will you learn?"
She looks at me, with fresh tears in her eyes. I cannot bear to look at her, and so I tear my eyes away, and instead look at the walls behind her.
"How to shoot at someone who outdrew you."
My head snaps back to her, a near excitement.
"Do you still play?"
I ask, eager, wishing I could suppress such things.
"Yeah. I…played a lot, when I was away. I played Mozart and Beethoven, and some Tchaikovsky. It…helped."
"You…were able to remember works by such composers?"
She looks at me, and there is once again, a spark to her eyes.
"I can't write them down, but I can feel them. I just closed my eyes, and played whatever my fingers wanted. It was…sad. A lot of them…were sad pieces."
Dez, was always an exceptional musician. Whenever she would play, it was as if time itself stopped to listen. The Wasteland is lacking in music, and although her works are remakes of composers before her time and mine, people still revere it. In the saloon so many years ago, as she played and I alongside her, everyone watched in awe. Awe, at the melodies and emotions, that poured from each note and keystroke. When she tells me, her music has been sad, I feel sorrow for whomever heard it. I know, that the sadness carried in her music is enough, to make even the strongest of men cry. I hope, that I do not have to hear the notes, while I am with her.
"I see."
She curls her knees to her chin. I wish she would rest, so that there would be reason to simply sitting here. Yet I know Dez, and how she works. In this short trip, she will push my buttons and try to…for lack of a better term 'win me over'. I am already won over. I love her, there is no deeper emotion than that. I simply care for her enough, to know when to walk away. To know, when to let her go. She is blinded, and childish. Even now in her mature age she still believes in such things as, I would not doubt, Santa Claus. I am not sure, if it is a burden to her, or a comfort. I have to show her, that there are other men, who would love her more than I possibly can.
"…You know…for five years…I did think you were dead."
"I am aware."
"…I had no one to talk to. I didn't want anyone to talk to, really. I just stayed alone, in my house, and didn't do anything. Sometimes, I'd see the ocean, and it'd make everything alright for a bit. But, most of the time, I'd just stay home. We're wasting time. I had a power nap. I know you want to get rid of me now."
Dez gets up and begins to walk away. Silently, I follow her. It is taking all I have, to remain silent. To not inquire as to how she spent those five years, and to pretend to feel nothing, at the idea of her truly being alone. Gob and her have both stated she was, I simply wish not to believe it. Not to believe, that I truly hurt her enough, to force her into that life. I do not think, I can live with something, as severe as that. Looking at my waist, I see my combat knife. My feelings were right. She did keep it, all these years, and in prime condition. There is not even a scratch on it.
"Dez?"
I call out her name, and it tastes unfamiliar on my lips.
"Yeah?"
"…What will do you, if you find out you cannot bear children?"
"Not have any, obviously."
Although she is right, she is also hurting over this. I suppose, her reuniting with Zack has planted the seed of 'what if'. What if, she was with child when it happened? When the incident that tore us apart took place? Would she still be as closed off and near-death as she so seemingly is? Or rather, would she have found more reason to live, and kept on living?
As I watch her walk ahead of me, lit by the light of her Pip-Boy, I cannot help but think of the song we shared together. It has always been, a favorite of mine, and I cared enough about her, to share it with her. I wonder, if among the songs she's played, if she has played that one? I can only assume so. She walks still, with a slight limp, telling me her burn is not fully healed. It is better, but not yet. That song, has never rang truer, than it does on these cold and rainy nights. While together we walk, in a line down the tunnels, I feel it is befitting truly, for the first time.
"Hey…Charon?"
She says my name, just as she always had. With the same fluctuation and tone, of want and need. It still causes old desires to feel new inside me. It causes me, to look at her.
"Yes?"
Dez looks back at me, her eyes, watery with tears. Did I, cause that?
"How…did we end up like this? Like strangers again?"
"You know exactly how."
She lowers her gaze, before turning her head around again. She walks, with shoulders slouched forward, and an air of despair around her.
"I don't like the silence between us. Can you talk? About something, or anything?"
I want to kiss her, but…I cannot let myself. These feelings, are ripping through me, as if they are new. They are new, and yet, I know them so well.
"I do not know what to speak of."
"…I'm just sad, I guess."
"You are in good health, with friends waiting for you in Megaton. There is nothing to be sad about."
"There's everything to be sad about."
She looks back at me once again, and it drives me crazy. Suddenly, we are shrouded in darkness. Instantly, I grab the gun from my back, and take a wide step closer. It is by instinct, and old instinct.
"Shit. My Pip-Boy light broke."
"How is that possible?"
"Dunno. Just put it on for the first time in five years. Gonna have to tinker with it in Rivet City. You have a match or something?"
"Matches and lighters will do no good here. We are better off walking cautiously and slowly, straight. We will come to an opening soon enough."
"And if not?"
"We will manage."
I feel her back into me. The feel of her body against my own, even if for a brief moment, rips me up inside.
"Sorry."
She mutters before stepping forward. I want to tell her, the safest place for her, is still pressed against my chest. When she is near, I feel the youthfulness I once had, return to me. I feel, as if I could take on waves and hoards of armies. I feel, young, and strong. I choose instead, to keep my mouth shut, and let her step away from me. The boundaries have been laid out, and we are no longer the lovers we once were. I am quite sick of the boundaries, I miss her. Yet, I know it is for the best. The question I have to battle now, is if I should go back or not.
The silence and stillness is swiftly broken, by a sinister cackling. I hear Dez quickly snatch up her gun, and as my eyes adjust, I see her hold it tight.
"You hear that?"
She whispers, and I resist the urge to pull her closer to me. I am not unfamiliar with that cackle. It is one, I once knew in Underworld well.
"It is Gallo."
"Who?"
I cock my gun as the laughter gets closer. Gallo was one of the newcomers of Underworld, after I had been working for Ahzrukhal for an undetermined amount of years. He never enjoyed the company of others, and was kicked out in the end for acting more insane than Patchwork. Gallo never bothered me, but I knew his mind was falling apart. He would come in to the Ninth Circle sometimes, and talk to the wall beside me. The only time I had trouble with him, was when we supposedly forgot his birthday, and it made him drive into a frenzy. It has been years since I saw him, and can only imagine what it is he has become.
"Quiet."
I hear the laughter again, and it is right on top of us. The sound of a door clicking open, and a ball of white light catches my immediate attention. Luckily it is behind me, which means Dez is safe. I will not have to step in front of her, and let her know she is still my priority. I want her to think otherwise.
"You come here? You come here?"
His voice has remained the same, as many ghoul-voices do. It has a maniacal tone, and I cock my gun for safety.
"Who comes here? My home! You try to take my home?"
Gallo shines his light on us, and I feel Dez press against my back as I turn around. My heart pounds at her touch, at the situation. Gallo is merely one ghoul, and one that I never felt to be very dangerous, but Dez does not know this.
"Charon! Charon lives! And no longer with Ahzrukhal! Underworld, gone…gone, gone, gone…I laughed when I heard! Laughed! What are you doing in my home?"
I do not reply to Gallo. His light shifts to just behind me, and he spies Dez.
"Smoothskin! Smoothskin in my home! Unacceptable! Smoothskin with Charon! Rid yourself of the Smoothskin!"
Aiming my gun at Gallo, I take a single step towards him.
"Charon protects Smoothskin! Unacceptable!"
He pulls a small gun, and we fire at the same time. It is my mistake, for not shooting sooner. I do not like killing ghouls, because since the destruction of Underworld I feel our kind is few and far between, worse than before. Gallo falls, dead before he hits the ground, and the flashlight he used rolls towards us. My upper arm stings with a single bullet wound, and I quickly cover up the evidence of that as I replace my shotgun on my back.
"Who the hell was that guy? And how did he know you?"
"A former resident of Underworld. He was tossed out not too long before you came through."
"…Why the hell is he wearing a party hat?"
The way she asks this almost makes me want to laugh. Gallo truly did never forgive the citizens of Underworld for forgetting his birthday.
"Underworld forgot his birthday. He went mad for that."
Dez bursts out in laughter at my explanation. Her laughter, echoes and fills the tunnels. She walks over and picks the light up from the ground, a smile on her face. I have missed that smile.
"That's hilarious…ghouls…they crack me up. Hey, let's see what his house looks like."
"There are more pressing matters at hand."
I try to get her to continue on to Rivet City. My arm burns with pain, and wish to find radiation to heal it with.
"Rivet City won't be going anywhere anytime soon. If you don't want to come, then don't. But I'm going."
Which means I am forced to go with her. Reluctantly, and also hiding my arm, I follow her into the room. We walk up a small set of stairs, before coming into a dimly lit open area. There is Nuka Cola paraphernalia scattered about, and rotting corpses of feral ghouls in odd places. Dez looks around, and I am hoping is satisfied with this. She turns to me, shining the light into my eyes. I lift my hand to shield it.
"Hey why are you…"
Before I can answer Dez walks over. She takes my wounded arm and shines a light right where the hole resides.
"If you're trying to hide an injury, clean your hands off first, idiot."
There is no room for me to argue. Dez begins tearing up the place, looking for something if anything, to fix me up with. I watch her, and feel lower than the dirt that litters this earth. She still cares about me, the same if not more, as she did before. I notice this now, as she makes it her personal mission to find me aid. She does this, when I could not even be bothered to help with her wounded leg. I must be, someone terrible. Must have become as cold as I had hoped, if this is the difference in reaction times.
"Here, I found something."
I say nothing to her. There is nothing, I can say. She brings over some tweezers and gauze, and whilst she works with the flashlight in her mouth, I remain silent, and absorb all the pain. Proving herself to be the daughter of a doctor, Dez does not take time finding the bullet lodged within my arm. She retrieves it swiftly, and for the most part, painlessly. For the entire time she patches me up, I do not look at her. I cannot. It brings me, too much pain, to look at her right now.
"Don't try to hide it from me next time, okay? I'm good at this."
"I know."
She tosses the tweezers to the ground, as she ties the gauze in a small, tight knot. It is tight enough to stop the blood from flowing, and loose enough so that it is not uncomfortable. When she speaks, time stands still.
"Come on. I know you're itching to get out of my company."
I want to deny that. Want to tell her she is wrong with everything she has accused me of, but the words escape me. I cannot think, of any other place, I would want to be.
"Do you not wish to rest?"
I allow the words to escape from my mouth, before I can stop them. Dez looks back at me, her gun replaced on her hip, the light in her hand. There is a bed here, and I could easily remove the corpses.
"…No. I took a nap. I'll be fine."
I have no one to blame but myself, for the coldness she is beginning to display to me. I just wish, this pain I feel inside, was not present.
"What should I tell Zack when I get back to Megaton?"
Dez asks me as we continue on, light renewed down the tunnels.
"What do you mean?"
"I have to tell him something. About you not coming back, I mean. He sees this world with a lot of naïve innocence, so telling him you simply…stopped wanting to be with me, won't work. I'll have to think of something good."
"The truth is best. He will discover it in time."
I never stopped wanting to be near her. I wish, she could only see why I cannot. Yet like Zack, she also sees this world, in a naïve way.
"…I want to keep his innocence, Charon. I don't want him, ending up like me. I want to make sure, he really does think this world is great. Even though it's bad sometimes, it's still beautiful. People…don't see that."
No, but she does. Her ability, to still hope in this hopeless world, is admirable.