"So this is Chris?" Alice asked lightly, and I stopped, halfway between her and Chris. I turned back to face him, and he was gaping at Alice, open-mouthed and speechless. Sometimes I forgot how the Cullens affected people.
"Alice, don't scare him," I whispered at her, hoping Chris couldn't hear but knowing she could. "He's got enough to deal with as it is." She danced to my side, Jake angry and unmoving, and grabbed my hand tightly. I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my other hand, the cold air stinging at my cheeks.
"Let me talk to him," she said kindly, squeezing my hand in hers. "You need to go with Jacob right now. I'll keep Chris company." I must have looked skeptical because she kissed my cheek lightly and gave me a sad smile before walking slowly over to the edge of the cliff. She dropped onto the rock beside him, folding her legs lithely as Chris stared. I spun back around to Jake, who still hadn't moved. We just stared at each other; him, unwilling to come, and me, unable to go. He finally unhooked his hand from the crook of his arm and held it out to me, a lifeboat in the storm. I felt my legs step woodenly, one in front of the other, until I was in front of him. I placed my hand in his gently, and he squeezed so tightly. I felt myself start to reassemble.
"We need to be alone for this," he said quietly, some of his emotion coming back into his voice. He still sounded distant, but I could hear him, my Jacob. I nodded and let him tow me away from the cliff, glancing back at Chris, who was fully enraptured by something Alice was saying animatedly, as we crossed the road and neared the line of trees. In the dark, the forest looked ominous. Jake stopped a few feet in, where I could still see the moonlight streaming in. He stared down at our entwined hands, silent.
"Jake, listen, I-"
"Don't," he said harshly. "I told you, that's not important. It's about Alice."
"What about her?" I asked, uncomprehending. "Isn't she here about Chris?" Jake looked up at me and furrowed his eyebrows.
"What? No. Why would that matter?" I averted my eyes, staring at the darkness of the forest.
"We had dinner together last night," I admitted, sighing. Everything else was out in the open, the agony of my life laid out in front of us; being honest couldn't hurt anything else. "I thought that was why you'd been so upset with me this morning, because you knew." Jake reached his other hand out for me, but he stopped, his hand shaking as he lowered it back to his side.
"I didn't know," he said evenly, the same monotonous voice.
"Alice could see me," I continued, trying not to let my voice waver. "She called in the middle of dinner, absolutely freaking out because she could see me. Not just see me, but see me see me," I emphasized, trying to make Jake understand. His hand went slack, and I knew he finally understood. "I thought she was coming here because of that."
"That's not why she's here." His voice was dead. I bit my lip.
"Then why is she here? And why did she go to you before me?" Jake paused, and I turned to him, hoping to see my old Jacob back. But this person, the stranger standing before me, was not Jacob. He was dying. His face was pulled down at the edges in gaunt horror, his shoulders slumped and arched. I suddenly grasped that something was very, very wrong. My hand flew to my face unconsciously as I began to understand.
"One of them was here," he muttered, a shadow of his former self. "We caught the trail last night. That's what Sam wanted. Alice came to help us." And I felt my knees start to buckle, my feet wobbling, as it sank in. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. Jake's lifeless eyes finally made sense; he'd had time to understand, to let it eat away at him until there was nothing left.
"Who?" I could barely get the word out.
"Alice thought it might have been one of the guards." Not Jane. It wasn't Jane.
"They weren't supposed to be here for months." I couldn't even tell if my words made sound as they came out. I took an unsteady step backwards, ripping my hand from Jake's and turning my back to him. I needed to be alone. I was going to fall to pieces; I could feel the wild terror bubbling up inside of me, the fear growing. I wanted to run.
"We need to get you somewhere safe." Jake's voice was too calm, too level. "Sam has his spare room ready." I shook my head, wanting him to stop, wanting the world to stop.
"I'm going home," I said, terrified when my voice came out dead like his. Jake snatched my arm from my side and wrenched me back to face him.
"This isn't up for debate," he said sternly. "You're going to stay with us for a while. I'm not letting you be stubborn about this."
"Well, excuse me for doing something you won't allow!" I spat the words out like barbed wire, my fear transforming into blind fury. "I'm going home, because this isn't up for debate!" I yanked away from him and stomped out of the woods, heading for Alice. I knew, somehow, that she would understand, that she would let me do things my way. I needed control. I needed to get a grip.
"Bella, don't just walk away from me like that," Jake said from behind me, his steps soundless as he kept pace.
"Get away from me," I seethed. He sighed quietly.
"I'm not letting you out of my sight, not until this is over." I whipped back to face him and faltered. The agony was back, replacing his harsh edges. I wanted to comfort him; I wanted him to comfort me.
"I want to be home," I whispered, my anger seeping away. "At least for tonight. Please." Jake hesitated, his face slack, before he nodded once. I couldn't look at him, couldn't see the pain in his features. I turned back around and kept walking heavily to Alice. She was still sitting with Chris, but they had both angled themselves to face each other. Chris was talking, Alice sitting with her hands folded in her lap. Alice turned to me before Chris, who cut off mid-sentence to swivel his head to me.
"Chris was just telling me the funniest stories about you as a child," Alice said musically, her laugh tinkling. I noticed how hard her eyes were, but I doubt Chris could. "I could talk to him all day." Chris smiled.
"Just got a good memory, I guess," he said sheepishly, completely unaware of the tension in the air.
"Would you mind very much if I took Bella home?" Alice asked sweetly, her voice dripping like chocolate. "I came all this way to visit, and I'd love to spend some time with her."
"No, you girls do your thing," Chris said easily, standing up. "I gotta get back to Leah, anyway. She's probably wondering where I am." I suspected Leah was still with the rest of the pack, but I kept quiet.
"Thank you for coming and getting me," I said, trying to sound as normal as I could. Chris smiled and took a step towards me. He wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on top of mine, and I hugged him back, unsure of when I'd see him again, unsure if I'd survive the night.
"Remember what I said," he reminded me as he pulled away. I nodded mechanically. He smiled again, winking before he walked around to his car. I watched him pull away, beeping the horn twice as his tail lights disappeared around a corner. Jake was suddenly at my side, gripping me to him with one arm.
"We need to get out of the open," Alice said in a rigid voice, her face pulled tight.
"Bella doesn't want to go to Sam's," Jake said slowly.
"'Bella' can speak for herself," I said, annoyed. "I want to go home. I don't think being in La Push is going to stop anyone if they really want to get to me." Alice pursed her lips and glanced up at Jake.
"What do you want to do?" she asked. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"I guess one night couldn't hurt anything." Alice nodded once and flitted to my side.
"Do you need help getting on my back?" I shook my head and climbed up, her arms helping to push me up anyway. I turned to Jake, but he was retreating to the forest.
"Jake-" I called out.
"I'm just phasing," he shouted back, pulling his shirt over his head as he disappeared. He popped back out a moment later, the familiar red-brown wolf that I loved. He sat at the edge of the forest, waiting.
"Close your eyes," Alice warned, and I tucked my head into her shoulder, shutting my eyes tightly. I tried to keep my focus on the even movements of Alice's body, on her slow breathing. I wanted to look to make sure Jake was following, but I didn't dare lift my face.
We were back at my house in a few minutes. Alice helped me down, and when I turned to find Jake, I saw his wolf. I ran over to him, panicking.
"Jake, someone will see you!" I whispered fiercely, shoving on his leg as hard as I could. He trotted into the shadows, and a moment later he reappeared as my Jacob. I tried not to stare at his naked body, and Alice turned around courteously to let him step inside to change. We only waited a minute before opening the door and going in. He was just pulling a shirt over his head. He turned to me and wrapped his massive hand around mine.
"I'll need to call Edward," Alice said, pulling out her phone.
"God, please don't," I pleaded, my eyes closing. "He's the last person I want right now."
"We need him. I have to get away from Jacob so that I can see, and I don't think it's safe to leave you with just one person to protect you."
"What about the rest of the pack?" I turned to Jake, but he was shaking his head.
"They're all following the trail to see if they can figure out where it went."
"Edward will do," Alice said curtly, putting the phone to her ear. Her lips moved amazingly fast, the call short. "He'll be here soon. For now, I need to see. I'll be right outside, trying to see around the dog. I'm sorry," she said immediately, pursing her lips. "I mean Jacob. Once Edward arrives, I'll need to get further from here to see the best that I can. I'll have my phone, so call me if you need anything."
"Do you want a jacket?" I asked, but she just laughed quietly and disappeared. Without her there, I felt the sweeping panic return, and I slunk to my room to sink onto my bed. Jake followed me in and sat beside me. I curled up, bringing my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
"Talk," I said quietly.
"About what?" Jake asked, leaning closer.
"Anything. Just talk. I can't handle the quiet."
"I don't know, Bells."
"Tell me about what happened. Who found the trail? Where was it?"
"Jared did. He was out hiking with Kim when he ran into it. He told Sam, who called all of us out to where Jared was. I was the last one to get there. They'd already all talked about it. Some of the guys followed it to try and find out where it went. Whoever it was skirted around La Push and straight through Forks to Charlie's house."
"No," I moaned, burying my head in my knees. "Not Charlie."
"He's fine, I promise. The vamp left when they realized you weren't there. It didn't think to go anywhere else, though. There's no trace of it here or at your job or anything. It's like they knew exactly where you lived – well, used to live – and zeroed in on it." I felt a lump rising in my throat and didn't say anything.
"I want to talk about what you were telling Chris." I didn't move. "I just need to know. Am I not enough for you?"
"I don't want to talk anymore," I whispered.
"Well, I do. And I need to know if you even love me anymore. Has any of it been real? Have you been lying to me for months?"
"Stop," I begged. I felt small, so small. I wanted to shrink away.
"Damn it, just tell me. Do you even care? Do you even love me anymore?"
"Bella?" I lifted my head and stared at the doorway, where Edward was standing, his body tense and his face pained. Jake moved closer to me, wrapping an arm around my sunken shoulders possessively.
"I'm so sorry," I said weakly. Edward's eyes softened and he took a step into the room. I felt Jake stiffen beside me.
"I forgive you, love," he said softly, taking another step. Jake scoffed.
"Better not call her that," he muttered. Edward barked a laugh.
"You're lucky I haven't killed you yet, dog."
"Stop, both of you," I ordered, letting my legs slide down from my chest. "If it'll make it easier, Jake can stay in here and Edward can go in the living room. That way, you don't have to talk."
"Fine," Jake said, settling on the bed with a smirk. Edward darted from the room in one of his too-fast movements, the door shutting behind him. I sighed.
"I'm going to go talk to him," I said, trying to stand. Jake grabbed my hand, holding me there.
"You don't owe him anything."
"I owe him more of an apology than that. I was so mean."
"He deserves it."
"Just quit it," I said, taking my hand from his. "I'm going out there for a few minutes. You stay here."
"We aren't done talking." He crossed his arms.
"Oh well," I said finally, staring at him. "You already hate me. What more can I do to make it worse?"
"Bella-" I left the room, shutting the door to cut him off. Edward was standing in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, his back to me. I walked up behind him and reached out to touch his arm, but he didn't move. I moved beside him to get him to look at me, but his eyes were closed.
"I can't forgive myself for not catching the trail myself," he said in a voice so low that I could barely hear him. "If I had been the one to come across it, perhaps I could have done more."
"You know there's nothing you could've done differently," I urged, but his eyes remained shut.
"Perhaps I could have ended this."
"Feeling guilty won't change anything." He turned to look at me, his eyes hard.
"Bella, do you understand that there is a very real possibility that you are about to be killed?" I took a shaky breath.
"I understand that. But worrying doesn't do any good."
"I can't protect you from them." I sighed and leaned my back against the counter, staring up at the ceiling.
"I'm terrified. Did you know that? I'm so scared I can barely stand it." Edward reached out a hand for me, but I shook my head. "That's not the point. The point is, I've been this scared before. I've almost been killed before. This isn't new for me."
"This isn't like fighting Victoria's newborns." Her name sent a small shiver through me. "If the Volturi truly does come for you, there is almost nothing that can be done to stop them. I could see how set Aro was on changing you. He will never stop until you're one of us."
"And you're sure there's no way to stop him?"
"As sure as I stand here now."
"So that's it, then? Change and die or don't change and get killed?" Edward was quiet. "If Aro is going to kill me anyway, maybe I should just have you change me and get it over with. Being a vampire is preferable to being dead."
"Absolutely not!" Jake shouted, bursting through the door to my bedroom. He was fuming. He rushed up to me and yanked me away from Edward, putting me behind him.
"Jake, calm down," I tried, but he swiveled around to me and gripped my shoulders hard, his fingers digging into my skin.
"You've lost your mind!" he bellowed, right in my face.
"You're hurting me," I urged, trying to pry his hands from my arms. His eyes were distant, long-gone. He had snapped.
"I can't do this!" His eyes were glossy, like he couldn't even see me. In a millisecond, so fast that I didn't even feel movement, Edward had grabbed me and pulled me away from Jake, standing between us in a half-crouch. Jake stared at his empty hands, then back at me, like he was trying to figure out what had happened.
I was so tired suddenly. I just wanted to lie down and sleep. Nothing mattered. I didn't care that the Volturi was coming; I didn't care that I was going to die. I just wanted to sleep. I wanted to disappear.
I shivered, the cold from the outside seeping into my house without the heater on. Edward turned to me, his eyes full of concern. He eyed Jake, deciding whether it was safe to leave my side, and then flitted to the thermostat, cranking the heat on before darting back to me. I stared at Jake, trying to get him to see me. I didn't even know if he knew where he was.
"You still love him," he whispered, his voice cracking. My eyes welled up with tears and spilled over like rain. Edward was still and quiet, his eyes trained on Jake, his crouch relaxed and focused. I knew he could hear everything I'd said. He would know my secret, after months of hiding, after months of pretending.
"Jake, please," I managed, my tears flowing freely. "I love you. I've always loved you. And that's never going to change. Just because I love you both, doesn't mean I won't be with you." He only hesitated a moment before he stood up straight, his face molding into something resembling calm composure. He walked straight towards me and pushed Edward aside.
I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted him to understand. I wanted to make him believe that I loved him for every second of every day of the rest of my life. But I knew he would never look at me the same way again. He leaned down and kissed me, light as a feather, in the middle of my forehead. I closed my eyes, soaking him in. And then his lips left my face, and when I opened my eyes, he was gone.
"You should try to get some rest," Edward said softly. I nodded. I could barely see through the tears. I felt Edward wrap an arm around my waist and guide me, almost forcibly, back into my room. I fell onto the bed in a heap, my sobs starting to wrack through my body. Edward moved to the rocking chair across the room and sat watching me as my life fell apart around me.