Chapter Note:
Hello all... I've been on the fence about posting this one, but the more I've written beyond this, the more I've felt that the end point I'd anticipated getting to would make for a *ridiculously* long mega chapter (even for my standards...) and this part seemed to end at a natural pause (or dare I say "breaking point"... Ha! I'm so punny). At any rate, fear not, angsty EO lovers! We have more delving and confronting and healing ahead, but I can't skip this chapter to get us there faster. I have my reasons... Thank you in advance for your trust and your patience. I'm working hard on the next chapter, but I need to take my time to get it right. xoxo, Jessica
Chapter Twenty-One
They'd made it to the hospital as quickly as possible, given the need to return to Elliot's apartment to pick up the car. Olivia kept vacillating between extremes of emotion - relief at the apparent change in Lara's medical status and dismay that she hadn't been there to provide support when she first awoke.
She looked up at the patchwork rooftop as Elliot pulled into the parking lot, the building's façade reminiscent of a storybook castle. It was a clear attempt to present a cheerful front for the children and families upon arrival; however, Olivia's heart ached for all of the children who necessitated treatment within those walls. She thought of all of the pain and trauma that Lara had endured in her short life. Up until this moment, Lara's medical condition and need for sedation had provided a blissful reprieve from reality - no awareness of her physical injuries nor the ability to reflect on her traumatic past. The ghosts had been silenced. Yet now, Olivia was overcome by a wave of grief as she anticipated the emotional torment that awaited Lara when she fully emerged into consciousness.
Elliot turned off the engine, taking a deep breath as he looked over his shoulder to see Olivia's pained expression as she stared at the building ahead. He shifted in his seat to pivot toward her, extending his arm and tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Don't go there yet, Liv," he intuited.
She nodded almost imperceptibly, but her expression didn't change.
He lowered his hand to rest on her shoulder, offering her a gentle squeeze of reassurance. "She won't be alone in this."
"I know," she murmured.
"You won't be either, Liv."
A slight smile graced her lips at his words and she turned to face him. His hand lifted from her shoulder to cup her cheek in his palm, and she leaned into his touch with gratitude in her eyes. No matter what hardships they had weathered, Elliot was the one person in the world who understood what it was like to try to find the inner strength to present a calm, supportive front for the most vulnerable of victims, regardless of the myriad horrors they recounted. He was also the one person that had witnessed them first hand alongside her.
"That is the one thing I've never questioned in all of these years, Elliot. I hope you know that."
He nodded thoughtfully, but a trace of sadness fell across his eyes. "I haven't always been there, Liv. Not in all of the ways I should have been. But I hope you feel it now."
She answered him by leaning forward to brush her lips against his, pulling back to make eye contact as she trailed her fingertips along his brow.
It would be different now - for each of them. They wouldn't have to censor themselves to protect those in their midst. They wouldn't have to fabricate an explanation that would satisfy an inquiry into their day without mentioning the fact that they couldn't get the image of a child, a mattress, and a basement out of their heads. Elliot had spent the better part of his adult life responding to Kathy's questions with terse single word answers:
How was your day?
Fine.
You want to talk about it?
No.
Elliot felt something release inside of him at the realization that words were no longer necessary at all - as if he'd been keeping a part of himself locked away at all times and suddenly recognized that he no longer needed to expend the energy to do so.
Olivia saw the recognition in his eyes - the relief - and although he hadn't said a word, she immediately understood.
They rested their foreheads against one another's, taking a moment to collect themselves. Although neither of them acknowledged it, they were each not only preparing themselves for the anticipated encounter with Lara, but for the re-entry into the public eye that would necessitate the preservation of the physical distance between them once more.
Elliot sighed, halfway wanting to throw caution to the wind, but understanding that that was a step that they each had to be willing to take.
"You ready?" he asked.
She nodded against him.
"Okay," he breathed, reluctantly pulling away.
He opened the driver's side door, a rush of cold air invading the previously warm space. Olivia raked a hand through her hair before following suit, folding her arms over her chest in a futile attempt at obstructing the cold from permeating the fabric of her coat. Elliot joined her, shoving his hands in his pockets as they made their way toward the entrance.
When they reached the floor of the PICU, they didn't see a familiar nurse and opted to seek out the attending physician instead. As eager as they both were to check in on Lara, they were cognizant of the need to tread cautiously in the event that the doctor felt that visitation would do more harm than good. They lingered by the nurses' station and Olivia stared in the direction of the closed door, praying that they would be allowed to see her.
Only a short time passed before a female doctor with short brown hair and a kind smile approached them. "Detectives," she greeted them. "I'm Dr. Silverman. Perhaps we can speak in private for a moment?" She indicated a door a few paces down the hall.
"Of course," Elliot replied, gesturing for Olivia to walk before him as they followed her into a small conference room.
"Thank you for meeting with us," Olivia said as she lowered herself into one of the chairs.
Dr. Silverman nodded, her eyes quickly assessing the woman before her and making a mental inventory of the lingering evidence of the injuries Olivia had sustained in the days prior. "How are you doing?" she asked without hesitation, her expression transforming into one of compassion and concern.
"Oh…I'm uh," Olivia stammered, unprepared for the question, "I'm fine." She shook her head dismissively. "It's nothing compared to what Lara endured."
Dr. Silverman's eyes darted from Olivia to observe Elliot who shifted somewhat uncomfortably in his seat, running a hand along his jaw. She pursed her lips, noting the dynamic and moving on for them. "We've been able to start weaning some of Lara's sedating medications. Most of them are being used for pain management, and they're significant - benzos and opioids, so we need to go really slowly to avoid withdrawal symptoms. So far, so good. Vitals have been stable, no signs of withdrawal, but we need to keep a close eye on her. If she begins to look agitated, we may opt to go back up on the dose of one or the other; taper things more slowly."
Olivia nodded. "Thank you, Doctor. I can't tell you how much we appreciate the care she's being given here."
"Absolutely," Dr. Silverman replied. "We recently removed her chest tubes, and breath sounds have been okay bilaterally. We want to monitor that closely as she is at risk of something called atelectasis, which is a collapsed lung. We also want to make sure that she remains afebrile, as a fever might indicate an underlying infection which, in her case, could quickly become life threatening."
She looked between the two of them as they processed the information, her focus lingering on Elliot who once again was replaying the final moments with Nikolai in his head. They'd been so close. A fraction of a second faster and he might have been able to prevent Nikolai from taking that shot.
"I know this wasn't the outcome that you'd hoped for that night," she continued, recognizing the regret and culpability in his eyes, "but I have to mention that I've seen her other injuries, and they are extensive." She paused, tapping an index finger against the table as she contemplated her words. "In almost thirty years of practicing medicine, I have never seen anything like her exam. The evidence of recent and previous traumatic injuries?" She shook her head. "If you hadn't gotten her out of there, I don't believe she would have lasted much longer given her degree of malnutrition and its deleterious impact upon her ability to ward off infection, let alone to heal."
Elliot's eyes narrowed, the tendon in his jaw flexing and his fists clenching reflexively beneath the table. He wanted a surviving target for his rage at what had been done to Lara. The monsters responsible for her hellacious existence deserved to rot in prison for the remaining decades of their lives. Instead, they'd been granted the easy way out. Painless, in his estimation. A merciful end to a lifetime of inflicting sadistic and incessant torment on an innocent child, while she remained in a hospital bed fighting to survive. Where was the fucking justice in this for Lara?
Olivia glanced at him over her shoulder, his wrath palpable whereas she was struggling to breathe under an avalanche of remorse and despair. She closed her eyes to center herself, reopening them to focus on the doctor while she quietly extended her arm beneath the table to cover his fist with her palm.
She heard him exhale at the contact, though he made no other overt signs to draw attention to the action.
"Thank you," Olivia managed. "As you might imagine, we're…struggling with this one."
Dr. Silverman sat with them in silence for a moment, allowing Olivia her grief and Elliot his anger.
Eventually Olivia continued. "We were told by a fellow officer that she opened her eyes today. I guess we were hoping to know what to expect in terms of alertness, and whether or not you feel visitors would be helpful or harmful?"
"It's difficult to say," Dr. Silverman replied. "As her medications are weaned, it's likely she'll have more periods of wakefulness, but at this point, they're still fleeting. I won't prevent you from visiting, but my recommendation would be for short periods of time." She hesitated for a moment, before holding Elliot's gaze. "And I'm sure I don't have to tell you this, but I do think it's worth mentioning that I'm not sure how she will react to a male presence. If she becomes agitated…"
Elliot preempted the warning with a quick shake of his head. "I'd leave. To be honest, it's been on my mind all morning."
She nodded. "I'm sorry to have to suggest it."
He smiled sadly in response. "It's okay. This is what we do."
"Anxious is one thing, agitated is another. I'll let you use your judgment, Detective." She shifted her gaze to Olivia once more, her hand silencing the cell phone that began to ring on her hip. "My apologies, but I'm needed for a consult," she explained, glancing at the screen to make a note of the missed call. "If you are looking to try to time your visits to coincide with wakeful moments, you may want to try shortly before her next dose of pain medication is due. That will likely be the time that the previous one is wearing off. We've shifted her to every six hours, unless she requires a PRN. The nurse will likely be able to guide you."
"Thank you," Olivia replied. "Would it be possible to add our cell phone numbers to the chart? In case there's any change?"
Dr. Silverman nodded. "Yes, just provide them to the charge nurse. And please don't hesitate to call if you need to reach me or have any more questions."
She slid one of her business cards across the table and Elliot took it, thanking her for her time.
They stood and made their way back into the hallway, Dr. Silverman heading off quickly through a set of double doors to their left. When they reapproached the nurses' station, Elliot suggested that Olivia go ahead to spend some time with Lara while he provided their contact information to the charge nurse and tried to seek more information regarding the schedule of Lara's medication administration. He joined her a few moments later, slipping quietly into the private room but continuing to linger near the door.
Olivia turned her head over her shoulder, searching his expression and offering him reassurance when she saw the hesitancy in his eyes. "It's okay, El. She's still sleeping."
He nodded, slowly closing the distance but opting to remain behind her, his hands coming to rest lightly upon her shoulders.
She leaned back in her chair, her head tipping against him - in part from fatigue, in part because she still felt as though she could somehow breathe more easily when she was closer to him.
Elliot looked down at her affectionately, his fingers curling around her more securely as she stifled a yawn. "Pain meds are due again at noon," he said softly.
"She looks peaceful right now," Olivia mused.
"Nurse thinks she should be out for another couple of hours or so." He looked over at the sleep couch by the window. "You want to try to catch a few?"
She shook her head. "I wouldn't be able to get any good sleep anyway."
"You sure? I'd wake you if anything were to change."
"Yeah. You wanna go check on Kat?"
Elliot noted that even as Olivia spoke, her eyes drifted closed of their own volition. He smiled to himself, gently smoothing a palm along her forehead and upwards over her hairline, sweeping stray tendrils of hair back in the process. "I'll tell you what," he replied even more quietly. "Why don't you stay here with Lara while I go track down Fin?"
"You sure?" she murmured, her brow furrowing slightly but her eyes remaining closed.
"Yeah. I'll get a status report and come back and fill you in."
Olivia nodded against him, the action sufficiently purposeful enough to trigger her to reopen her eyes, her mind continuing to fight to stay awake. She took a deep breath and mustered up the energy to sit up fully again. "Okay," she said mid-exhale, taking hold of one of Lara's hands once more. "Thanks."
"You got it."
Elliot gradually navigated the labyrinth of hallways connecting the children's hospital to the main hospital, eventually texting Fin to ascertain what room Kat had been moved into on one of the upper floors.
He opened the door slowly, just far enough to pop his head inside, making eye contact with Fin who was sitting in a chair on the opposite side of the room. Elliot raised his eyebrows in a silent question and Fin nodded, waving him over with a brief gesture before letting his hand fall back to his side.
"She's still out," Fin said as Elliot entered.
Elliot turned his attention to Kat's immobile form, a pang of regret taking hold of him as he took in the sight of her pallid complexion.
"Doc say anything?" he asked.
Fin sighed, leaning back in his chair and resting his clasped hands on his chest. "Surgery went pretty well. Lost a lot of blood so they needed to transfuse."
"You donate?"
"Yeah, but I'm not the right type. She's good now though."
Elliot nodded.
"Still on oxygen, but they were able to get rid of the vent right away. Sats are good. Just needs time to heal." Fin fell silent again, flitting his gaze between Kat and the medical equipment in the room.
Elliot drew a hand along his jaw, not sure what to say to Fin that would adequately sum up the regret and admiration he had for the personal sacrifices that Kat had made for him and for Olivia. He didn't know the history between Fin and Kat during their time in Narcotics, but he could read Fin well enough to know that his concern ran deeply.
"Listen, I uh… I wanted to say that I'm sorry for-"
"Not your fault," Fin interrupted.
Elliot exhaled bitterly, folding his arms over his chest. "Been hearing that a lot lately."
Fin's eyes darted up to his, but Elliot's focus remained trained on Kat. His jaw was clenched and his eyes stormy. Fin studied him, knowing that he was likely putting the burden of responsibility on his shoulders for everything that had transpired - for both Kat and Olivia - throughout this ordeal. Fin had spent enough time with Olivia in the aftermath of the night at the club to have gleaned a clear picture of their undercover op - undoubtedly a clearer picture than Stabler would care to realize that he had. He also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that all of the impossible decisions made over the course of the past few days had been necessary ones.
"Maybe that's 'cause it's true," Fin replied evenly, waiting for Elliot to meet his eyes before continuing. "Besides, I'm the one that dragged Kat into this mess in the first place."
He looked back over at Kat, and this time Elliot was the one who felt the need to offer support.
"Kat doesn't strike me as someone who'd let anyone drag her into something she didn't want to be a part of." He smiled, remembering the dressing down she'd given him when he'd tried to prevent her from following him against Cragen's orders. "Or to let anyone stop her from jumping into anything she'd set her mind to, for that matter."
Fin caught sight of his smile and breathed a laugh. "Yeah, I guess I can't argue with you on that one."
"I can only imagine her as a rookie..."
"You don't know the half of it." Fin shook his head.
"Any word on Munch?"
"He's gonna be fine. Still at Maimonides, but sounds like they'll be discharging him today or tomorrow." He smirked to himself. "Probably today if the nurses have it their way."
"He's not that bad," Elliot replied with amusement in his expression.
"You kidding? He probably has them scurrying around fluffing pillows and ordering special meals."
"More likely driving them crazy with conspiracy theories."
"Yeah..." Fin trailed off again, the banter having been a welcome distraction, but nothing able to prevent the tension from taking over once more. He needed for Kat to wake up so that he could breathe again.
Elliot recognized the shift. Lord knows he had been battling similar extremes of emotion these days. "You need anything? Coffee?"
"Nah, I'm good."
"Keep me posted? We'll likely be here for a while."
Fin nodded. "How's she holding up?"
"Exhausted," Elliot replied honestly. "But you know Liv. Can't get her to rest, what with the change in Lara and all."
"You look like shit too, Stabler."
Elliot chuckled. "Yeah, well, none of us will be winning any awards right now."
He headed toward the door, casting one last glance over his shoulder at Kat. He paused as he reached it, giving Fin one more word of encouragement.
"She's got this. She'll be back on her feet and giving us hell in no time."
"Can't wait," Fin replied.
Elliot left the room and wound his way back to the PICU, pausing to get two cups of coffee in the cafeteria before heading back upstairs. He balanced them in his left palm as he reached the door to Lara's room, using his right to turn the handle as he quietly made his way inside. His lips quirked as he took in the sight before him, gingerly closing the door behind him.
Olivia remained seated to the right of Lara's bed, but was sound asleep. She was slumped over the foot of the bed, her head resting on the crook of her left arm as she still held Lara's hand with her right.
Elliot tread silently across the room, setting down the cups of coffee on the side table and retrieving a thin blanket that had been folded at the foot of the sleep couch. He carefully returned to her side, draping the material over her shoulders as delicately as possible so as not to disturb her.
He returned to the opposite side of the room, initially sitting on the sleep couch for a few minutes before ultimately giving in to his own fatigue and stretching out onto his side.
Elliot wasn't sure how much time had passed when Olivia's voice pulled him back into consciousness.
"Elliot."
One word, but it immediately resonated somewhere in his weary mind. He propped himself up on his elbow, using his free hand to rub the sleep out of his eyes.
Olivia locked eyes with him for a meaningful moment before returning her attention to Lara who had finally started to stir. She arched a bit, a slight grimace in her expression although she had yet to fully awaken.
Elliot pushed himself up to sit, but stayed where he was at the far side of the room, cognizant of the need to keep a low profile once she did awaken - if he would be able to remain in the room at all.
Olivia stroked the back of Lara's hand and forearm, her heart breaking at the thought that Lara might be in discomfort. Her next dose of pain medication wasn't due for another twenty minutes or so, although they still had the option to press the call button if it looked like she needed it sooner.
"Shhh," she soothed as Lara continued to shift in the bed.
A few more minutes passed before Lara's head moved again, her brow furrowing and her eyes slowly fluttering open.
Olivia's breath hitched, a myriad emotions flooding over her at once. She remained silent for a moment, giving Lara a chance to get her bearings. Eventually her green eyes met hers.
"Hi," Olivia said softly, her voice barely more than a whisper. She was worried that any utterance on her part might frighten her. "My name is Olivia."
Lara's eyes continued to scan her face, searching her expression so intently that it looked as though she was peering through her.
Olivia tried to convey as much calm and reassurance as she could muster. "You're safe now."
Lara darted her eyes around the room, trepidation in her features.
"Shh, it's okay. You're okay. You're in the hospital." Olivia continued to stroke the back of her hand with her thumb. "You got hurt, so the doctors are helping to make you better."
Lara's eyes welled with tears, and Olivia's shone in response.
"It's okay, sweetheart. You're safe. The bad men are gone."
Olivia transferred Lara's hand to her left, using her right to brush the hair back from Lara's forehead.
"You're safe now," she repeated, murmuring words of reassurance, glancing up periodically at the heart monitor that had shown an increase in heart rate, which was gradually normalizing once more.
Little by little, Lara became more relaxed in Olivia's presence. Her eyes stayed connected to hers as Olivia smiled in response.
"I'm right here with you. You're not alone anymore."
A few moments passed and Lara's focus shifted to scan Olivia's face once again, her gaze lingering on the bruises and the healing cut on her cheek. She stared at it for a long while in deep concentration. Her eyes returned to Olivia's with a wistful expression, continuing to periodically look back and forth between the injury and Olivia's eyes.
"It's okay," Olivia assured her. "All of the bad men are gone."
Elliot had remained motionless up until this point, watching the exchange from afar and barely daring to breathe in his efforts to prevent Lara from becoming aware of his presence. He could only hope that Lara would not remember him or his words from that night. His throat felt tight and he wished there was a way for him to leave the room without having to pass by her line of sight.
Olivia darted her eyes over in his direction, his anguished expression speaking volumes.
He shook his head at her, but she was already speaking to Lara once more.
"My friend Elliot is here with us," she began, praying that she had generated enough trust to be able to make this work.
Lara's brow furrowed, casting her eyes around the room but not able to see him yet from her vantage point.
"He's helping to keep you safe, just like me."
Olivia looked over at Elliot once more whose posture remained rigid, not moving a muscle for fear of startling Lara.
This time Lara followed her gaze, turning her head over her shoulder and finally catching sight of him in the periphery. Her hand tightened its grasp on Olivia's fingers, her breathing quickening.
Olivia immediately resumed her efforts to calm her, running her hand lightly along Lara's arm. She was frightened, but not yet past the point of no return.
"It's okay. He won't hurt us," she soothed, her tone incredibly gentle. "He's my friend," she repeated.
Olivia opted against identifying Elliot as having any connection with the police, given Lara's likely exposure to dirty cops who had invariably caused her harm rather than being a source of protection.
Elliot's eyes darted to the monitor, worrying about Lara's status. It had yet to alarm, but he was terrified that he would be the cause of significant distress.
"It's okay. You're safe," Olivia continued. "Elliot helped to stop the bad men."
Elliot swallowed. "Just not quickly enough," he thought. Lara's wide green eyes were boring into him, the fear in her expression ripping him apart. How long had she been tormented in that basement? How many men had forced themselves on top of her? He felt ill.
"Liv, I should go," he murmured, barely audible across the room.
Olivia shook her head almost imperceptibly. She was convinced that his proximity to Lara as he made his way to the door would be more triggering for her than the alternative.
He attempted to convey compassion in his expression, not wanting his internal tension to come across as threatening in any way.
Olivia continued the motion of her palm, trying to ground Lara in the safety of her presence by her caresses and her calm tone of voice. "He's been helping me to get better, just like the doctors are helping you."
Elliot heard the emotion pervading her tone, knowing that she was sharing a piece of herself with him, as much as she was trying to reassure Lara.
He offered her a small smile before returning his gaze to Lara.
"He won't hurt you."
Lara turned her head back to look at Olivia once more. Her grip was still tight on Olivia's hand, and Olivia gave her a small squeeze of reassurance.
"I'm here. You're safe now. Elliot will keep both of us safe."
Olivia stole another glance at the monitor, relieved to see that Lara's breathing and heart rate were slowing once more. She smiled down at her, lifting their joined hands and placing a kiss on the back of Lara's.
"You've been so brave," she said with a slight tremble in her voice. "No one is going to hurt you anymore."
Lara's hand moved between hers and Olivia released her grasp, surprised when Lara reached up to touch her fingers to Olivia's bruised cheek.
Olivia fought back tears but continued to smile down at her. "No one is going to hurt either one of us anymore," she clarified.
Lara's hand found hers again and Olivia lowered them back down to rest against the bed once more.
As the minutes stretched on, Lara cast another glance or two in Elliot's direction, but for the most part she continued to silently focus on Olivia. She seemed satisfied that Elliot was safely across the room, albeit a bit wary of his presence, and seemed comforted that Olivia remained close by.
Lara's physical discomfort appeared to ratchet up a notch as noon drew closer, but thankfully just as Olivia had been considering pushing the call button, a nurse entered the room to administer the next dose of her pain medication.
"There you go," Olivia told Lara as the nurse finished. "The medicine will make you feel better soon." The nurse smiled and exchanged a nod with both Olivia and Elliot before slipping back into the hall.
It didn't take long before Lara began to relax once more, her blinks growing slower and heavier as the medication began to take effect again. Lara shook her head slightly at times, as if trying to prevent herself from falling asleep, and Olivia tried to offer comfort.
"Shhh... It's okay. Go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
She smoothed her hand over Lara's hair, stroking her forehead with the pad of her thumb as Lara's eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep once more.
Olivia inhaled deeply as if daring to do so for the first time since Lara had opened her eyes. She released the breath shakily, running her palms along her thighs as she held Elliot's gaze across the room. She stood to make her way to him and he met her halfway, enfolding her into an embrace. They didn't speak for a while, taking a moment to process the different emotions that they'd been holding at bay.
"You okay?" he managed after a few moments.
"Yeah. You?" she asked, still pressed closely against him.
He nodded.
He was relieved that Olivia had succeeded in her efforts to alleviate Lara's distress at his presence, but was unable to get the image of Lara's haunted expression out of his mind.
"I shouldn't have been here, Liv," he said as they pulled apart. "It's too much for her."
Olivia opened her mouth to respond, but he interrupted.
"You're what she needs right now."
"I can keep her calm, El."
"Yeah, I know. But you didn't see the look in her eyes, Liv. Whether or not she remembers anything from that night doesn't matter. What I represent..." he shook his head. "She'll be confronting those demons for the rest of her life. She doesn't need to do it now."
Olivia sighed, recognizing the truth of his words despite her wish to somehow create a space where Lara could see Elliot for the protector that he was. They'd been doing this for too long, and she knew that part of her motivation stemmed from her desire to lessen Elliot's feelings of culpability and regret for the role he'd had to adopt that night.
Elliot saw the conflict swirling in her eyes. He rested his hands on her shoulders, arching backward slightly to fully meet her gaze. "Hey...Benson."
"Yeah?"
One side of his mouth lifted into a smirk. "Stop worrying about me."
She arched a brow in challenge. "You first."
"Always gotta pick a fight..." he replied with mock frustration, letting his hands fall away.
Olivia rolled her eyes, a soft smile on her lips as she pretended to shove him back with just the lightest pressure of her fingertips against his chest.
Elliot stepped back a pace in response, his eyes twinkling down at her.
She held his gaze for a moment in comfortable silence, her mind slowly cycling through the events of the morning. "How's Kat?" Olivia asked, belatedly realizing that she'd drifted off before Elliot could give her an update.
"She was still sleeping when I checked in, but Fin said things are moving in the right direction. I think she's going to be fine." He paused, looking over at Lara. She was sleeping peacefully, the medication having fully taken hold once more. "You feel up to wandering back over there with me for a minute?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I'd like to. Maybe we can convince Fin to take a break for a bit."
Elliot smiled lightly, a knowing look in his eye. "Liv, if it were me - if you were lying there? There's no way in hell I'd leave."
"Doesn't mean we can't try," she said resolutely.
Elliot led the way to Kat's room, the journey now ingrained in his motor memory, which was fortunate given the fact that the hallways all tended to look the same. He was more cognizant than ever of the shift in his response to Olivia's proximity. He continually had to fight against the impulse to hold her hand or touch the small of her back as she walked alongside him. The backs of their hands occasionally brushed against one another's as they navigated the halls, and this only drew more attention to his awareness of the enforced distance that had once seemed so simple. Everything seemed amplified now - his protectiveness, his attunement. He suppressed a smile at the thought of how irritated Olivia would become with him if she knew just how intensely overprotective he felt at the moment.
"Next door on the left," he said as they drew closer.
He knocked lightly on the door before entering, making eye contact with Fin who nodded at them to continue their approach.
"We thought you could use some company," Olivia said quietly, moving to stand closer to him, her hands in her pockets.
"Don't let her fool you," Elliot interjected. "She has plans to kick you out of the room."
Fin smiled. "I'm good, Liv."
"Didn't say you weren't," she replied. "A guy's gotta eat though."
"I ate."
"When?"
He shook his head with an amused expression. "A while ago."
"You mean yesterday," she said flatly, continuing to stare him down.
Fin chuckled. "Don't try to interrogate me, Benson."
"So that's a 'yes' then," she said unflinchingly. She turned her head over her shoulder to look at Elliot. "That sounded like a 'yes', didn't it?"
Elliot smirked, folding his arms across his chest as he cocked his head to the side and looked back at Fin. "Yeah, that's what I heard."
Fin exhaled heavily.
Olivia held his gaze, her expression softening into one of concern. "Humor me? Take ten minutes - five even. Grab a bite downstairs. Get some air."
Elliot shrugged apologetically. "She's not going to let this go."
"Yeah, I know," Fin said begrudgingly. He stood, shaking his head again as he looked between the two of them. "Five minutes, Benson."
"Fine."
In keeping with the interrogation theme she'd created, he narrowed his eyes toward Olivia in faux intimidation, intentionally bumping his shoulder against hers as he passed by.
She pursed her lips to prevent the smile from fully forming, turning her head over her shoulder to catch his eye as he reached the door.
His expression remained deadpan, but he winked in response before exiting into the hall.
Elliot waited for the door to close before slowly closing the distance between them to stand slightly behind her, his arms still crossed over his chest. He released them only at the last minute, and only as a means to eliminate the additional physical distance between them. He leaned forward, his chest barely brushing against her back and his mouth hovering over her ear.
A tingle ran down her spine from his proximity, his breath warm against her skin.
"Just for the record," he murmured lowly, "that wouldn't have worked on me."
Her lips quirked, willing her voice to remain steady. "No?" She turned her head slightly further in his direction, causing his lips to brush against her ear. "You sure about that, Stabler?"
Despite her best efforts, Elliot heard the slight waver in her breathy response. He still made no overt move to touch her, but intentionally grazed his mouth against her as he murmured his reply. "You can't intimidate me, Benson."
Olivia's eyes drifted closed, allowing the sensation to wash over her before reopening them once more, determined to win this battle of wills. "I wouldn't have had to," she replied coyly, deliberately shifting back the few millimeters needed to brush the length of her body against his.
Elliot's response was immediate - backing up just far enough to slip his left hand between them, his fingertips pressing against her lower back to enforce the distance again.
She chuckled.
His right hand lifted to brush the hair back from her neck. "You're not playing by the rules."
"Just proving my point," she said softly, her voice trailing off as his lips skimmed along her skin.
"Someday we'll test that theory."
She shivered, collecting herself for a second before pivoting to face him. She kept space between them, but allowed herself to linger in the moment, not making any attempt to mask the heat in her gaze.
His eyes were dark and his focus descended to her lips, but he reined himself in and dragged his eyes back up to meet hers again.
It was the first time since Olivia's abduction that there had been any emotional space for longing or desire to break the surface, and both of them were suddenly aware of the intensity of those undercurrents. They had unconsciously been suppressing them out of necessity - eclipsed by their need to protect and soothe and heal. Their shared trauma remained, but the threat was gone. Lara and Kat were going to pull through. The adrenaline was slowly dissipating, leaving raw emotion in its wake.
Olivia felt a stab of anxiety at the magnitude of her need. It transcended anything that she'd felt before because it was Elliot. All of their history. Defenses eradicated. Everything laid bare. She was unable to drop her gaze, tethered to him by the strength of their bond, the awareness as clear in his eyes as that which she knew he could see in her own.
He cupped her cheek in his palm, dragging his thumb along her lower lip before shifting his hand behind her nape, drawing her to him and resting his lips against her forehead.
The rapid rise and fall of her chest had stilled, but almost too abruptly. "Breathe, Liv," he whispered.
She exhaled shakily, trying to remember how to do so. "I'm trying," she replied somewhat defensively.
Undeterred, he merely sifted his fingers more deeply into her hair as a means to hold onto her more securely. He smiled against her. "As long as one of us is, then."
She relaxed into his hold, his words immediately alleviating the tightness in her chest and putting her at ease.
They remained like that for another minute or two. As they gradually drew apart, his hand slid down her arm to take hold of hers, their fingers interlocking. They took a seat side by side on the sleep couch, anticipating Fin's return and leaving ample space between them, but their hands remained connected.
Olivia's voice ultimately broke the silence. "You never told me how the rest of your self-imposed house arrest went with Kat."
Elliot breathed a laugh. "I'm still standing." He raised their joined hands far enough to gesture in her direction. "That one's a pot-stirrer." His brow furrowed slightly in contemplation. "I didn't think I was that transparent."
Olivia smiled. "You aren't. She started chipping away at this from the moment she saw you at the precinct."
He turned his head over his shoulder to look at her more fully. "'This' meaning us," he replied, gently but pointedly drawing her attention to the distinction.
She shifted somewhat self-consciously, a small smile still on her lips. "Yes, fine, us," she said hurriedly.
He saved her with a chuckle. "What did she say?"
Olivia tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. "It doesn't matter."
"I don't get to know?"
"She's not blind, Elliot," she said with a tinge of frustration. "She saw you, figured out I'd been staying with you, and made some pointed comments connecting the dots."
"No, she's not blind…" he murmured knowingly.
Olivia shot him a questioning look, but he looked down at their hands in amusement.
"I don't get to know?" she echoed softly, arching a brow.
He rubbed a hand along his jaw, his cheeks coloring slightly at the recollection. "She saw a beautiful woman and implied that I was a lost cause. I believe her words were that she had only just met you and wished she 'docked on the other side of the marina'."
Olivia stifled a snort with her palm. "She did not."
"Oh, yes she did…"
He caught her eye and her face lit up with a grin.
"I wish I could have been a fly on the wall for that one…" she mused.
Elliot nodded.
"Did she eat all of my penne alla vodka?" she asked as an afterthought.
Elliot spoke through his smile. "I'll make you more."
They fell silent for a while, cycling through all of the events that had transpired in the terrifying hours that followed.
Elliot thought about all that Kat had undergone on behalf of two relative strangers. Despite the short time that they had been thrown together, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he could trust her implicitly. He respected her. She was fearless in the field, fiercely protective of those in her midst, and willing to place everything on the line for a cause she believed in. Kat had seen the footage from the club - witnessed him at his absolute worst - and still somehow managed to believe him worthy of her trust.
Elliot, you did what you had to do.
"You were right, you know," Elliot said quietly.
Olivia stroked her thumb along his hand, noting the shift in his demeanor and waiting for him to continue.
"Kat is one of the good ones."
She nodded, allowing his statement to hang in the air.
Fin returned a few minutes later, their hands reflexively moving back to their sides as he opened the door. They stood as he approached, the three of them speaking in hushed tones as he began to fill them in on Munch who was reportedly ready for discharge and would be released from Maimonides later that afternoon.
"Want me to head down to Brooklyn?" Elliot asked.
"Nah, I should go. Partner thing," Fin shrugged.
"You sure? You could stay here with Kat. In case there's any change?"
Fin hesitated.
Elliot was about to respond when an unexpected voice met their ears.
"Who died?" Kat asked groggily, her voice scratchy from lack of use and dehydration.
All three heads whipped over their shoulders to face her.
"The only time I've heard people speak that softly is at a wake. And I'm not dead yet." She tried and failed to raise herself up on the bed. "At least I don't think so," she added with a grimace.
Olivia smiled, darting her eyes to study Fin whose expression had melted into one of pure relief. He was across the room in two strides, bending down to help use the controls on the hospital bed to raise the upper portion into a more comfortable position, stopping when Kat held up her palm.
"You trying to give all of us a heart attack?" Fin asked. "Maybe you missed the part of training where they told you not to get shot." He was doing his best to sound irked, but he was unable to hide the cheerfulness in his tone.
"I'll try to keep that in mind," she rasped.
She shifted her gaze to Olivia, a smile gracing her features as she glanced briefly at Elliot and back again. "You're a sight for sore eyes."
"I could say the same about you," Olivia replied.
"This guy was a mess without you," Kat said inclining her head in Elliot's direction.
"Uh…" Elliot cleared his throat, looking uncomfortably between the people in the room. "Kat," he gritted.
"No more so than Fin was while you were out," Olivia interjected, saving one man by throwing another one onto the fire.
"The hell?" Fin protested, immediately up in arms.
Kat's eyes flashed with a hint of the mischievous sparkle they'd all come to associate with her, albeit a bit more subdued as she censored whatever her next words had intended to be in attempts not to move.
Olivia recognized it immediately and her tone shifted into one of concern. "Want me to track down your nurse? You might be due for some more pain meds."
Kat shook her head. "I don't like feeling fuzzy."
"You sure?" Fin said.
"It's not a paper cut, Bailey," Elliot replied, unable to prevent the worry from permeating his tone.
"Geez," Kat complained. "It's not nice to tag-team the infirm."
Every word she spoke sounded effortful, beads of sweat visibly dotting her forehead, and Fin wasn't having it anymore. He pressed the call button for the nurse, ignoring Kat's glare. "When you can get out of that bed and kick my ass, we'll talk."
She shot daggers in his direction, but ultimately relented once the nurse was at her side. A physician entered shortly thereafter, and the rest of the detectives waited out in the hallway so that he could complete his exam.
"I'll head to Brooklyn, Fin," Elliot said, resuming their prior conversation. "Liv is going to want to head back to Lara in the next couple of hours, and you can spend time with Kat."
"You sure?" Fin asked, looking between him and Olivia. As much as he wanted to keep a close eye on Kat, he knew that Stabler must feel the same way about Olivia.
"I've got this," Elliot assured him. "Liv and I already agreed that it's best for me to keep some distance from Lara. We're good, okay?" He thought back to his prior conversation with Fin about Munch's ability to drive people to the brink of insanity, and one side of his mouth curled into a wry smile. "Besides, it wouldn't go well for anyone if you strangled Munch on his way home from the hospital."
Fin mulled it over, his expression mirroring Stabler's. "Tons of paperwork to complete," he acknowledged.
Olivia shook her head. "Alright you two. Give the poor guy a break. What he went through…" she trailed off. She hadn't intended to go there, but now it was too late, and she saw the attack play out in front of her eyes once more. She swallowed. "It was bad…and it was my fault."
"Liv-" Elliot protested.
"If I hadn't insisted on going to Anya. If I hadn't left the precinct…" She squeezed her eyes shut. "All of this might have been prevented."
This time Fin stepped in, his voice firm. "Liv, there is no way in hell this would have gone down in a good way. Ever. Not with dirty cops on the inside. Not with Anya as bait. Whether you'd stayed or not, the shit would have hit the fan. Petrov knew where you were. He would have found a way. Period."
Olivia sighed, raking her fingers through her hair and staring at the ground between them.
"Way I see it," Fin continued, "this was a win. We're all standing and they're on ice. So stop blaming yourself." He looked up sharply at Elliot. "That goes for you, too, Stabler. Kat doesn't blame you anymore than Liv."
Olivia looked up at him once more.
"You gonna tell me I'm wrong?"
"Of course not," she gritted.
"Munch has been a cop for a hundred years. If he had a problem following your lead that day, he could have stood his ground. That's on him."
Olivia felt a smile tug on her lips despite herself. "Munch isn't that old…"
"Fine, but he doesn't have a problem telling me where to shove it, so I rest my case."
The doctor emerged from the room, acknowledging them briefly before continuing down the hall.
Elliot exchanged a look with Olivia, who nodded at him in response.
He let out the breath he was holding, continuing to look at her while addressing both of them. "Okay, I'm going to head to Maimonides. If anything comes up…"
"If you need anything," came the silent communication.
"I have my cell phone."
"Yeah," Olivia replied, offering him a tired smile.
"Thanks, man," Fin added. "I owe you one."
Elliot shook his head, casting one last glance in Olivia's direction before heading through the double doors at the end of the hall.
Olivia and Fin stepped aside as the nurse also exited Kat's room. She looked at Olivia with a smile. "She's asking for you."
Olivia's eyebrows raised as she looked back at Fin, unsure as to why Kat would be asking for her alone.
Fin shrugged. "Girl talk?"
"Want to grab us some coffee?"
"You got it," he nodded, heading off in the direction of the cafeteria as Olivia slipped into the room.
"Hey," Olivia said as she closed the door behind her.
Kat smiled, gesturing for her to sit.
"Did they give you anything good?" Olivia asked, lowering herself into a chair.
"Ironically enough, some narcotics," Kat replied wryly.
Olivia chuckled.
"Anyway, how are you?" Kat asked.
Olivia shrugged off the question. "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
"You know how I am." She made a sweeping gesture at herself, the hospital gown, the medical equipment, and the room.
Olivia sighed, a wave of emotion suddenly crashing over her without warning. "I'm so sorry, Kat."
"Oh no," Kat said firmly. "Don't you start with that. I'm the one who signed up for this gig. In case you didn't know, this kind of thing sort of comes with the territory."
"All the same, this case…"
"This case was a clusterfuck and a half. I get it, believe me."
Olivia closed her eyes, remembering the laptop and the footage from the club that she knew Kat had seen first hand. She exhaled shakily, meeting Kat's eyes once more. "Kat, the uh… the laptop," she began.
Kat shook her head, but Olivia didn't give her the chance to interrupt.
"I just wanted to say 'thank you', for one, for taking it out of the house. But also, I just wanted to try to explain…to tell you…" She struggled to find the words. "What you saw…"
"Olivia?" Kat said gently.
"Yeah?" she sighed.
"You don't have to explain any of that to me. I saw enough to know what you went through… what both of you went through that night. I can't even imagine what this past week has been like for you."
Olivia swallowed against the lump in her throat, her silence allowing Kat to keep speaking.
"I'm not going to try to pretend that I can understand all of the layers of hell that you're wading through right now, but I do know a thing or two about undercovers gone wrong."
"I was going to ask," Olivia replied. "One of those was with Fin?" she intuited.
Kat's expression darkened momentarily, although she tried to play it off. "Yeah…that was one of the bad ones," she tried to force a smile, but it fell flat.
"You don't have to tell me," Olivia added.
"It's okay." Kat paused for a moment, trying to figure out where to begin. "Long story short, I was a rookie. You know, in over my head, but thinking I knew it all?"
Olivia nodded.
"It worked out well for the cover. They needed someone who could pass as a teen. A runaway and junkie."
"You fit the part."
"In spades. Probably could have passed for sixteen, back in the day. At any rate, it meant being out on the streets for weeks, trying to get closer to the big bad - a dealer who would use us to sell his product because we could fly under the radar. Fin was in already. He facilitated my introduction."
"He 'found you' on the streets."
"Exactly. But they wouldn't trust someone like Fin to do the drug runs. Young girls were more easily controlled…less likely to screw the boss over." She shook her head in disgust. "Anyway, I got cocky. I didn't realize that he'd grown suspicious of me. Neither did Fin until it was too late. The uh…" she hesitated. "The test was to see if I'd use. We didn't have a chance to have the stuff ready to fake it. I was roughed up pretty badly, kept trying to refuse, but the guy whipped out a gun and before I knew it, Fin was restraining me while the perp injected me." She held Olivia's gaze. "After that, it's all a blur. Fin stayed close...I was 'his' from that point on for outward appearances, if you know what I mean. Nothing like what you and Elliot went through," she amended hastily.
Olivia shook her head to dismiss Kat's concern.
"Our team brought the bastard down several days later. I should have been relieved, but I was angry and detoxing. Fin came to see me…to apologize. I saw the regret in his eyes - the guilt - but at that point, I didn't care. I told him I'd never forgive him for what he'd done. I said things to him…awful things…things that…" she trailed off.
Olivia saw the darkness cloud her features again.
"Anyway," she cleared her throat, "I know now that he saved my life that night and all the nights that followed. But back then I was too angry to acknowledge it and too proud and too stubborn to try to make things right…to apologize for the things I'd said. A few months later Fin put in the transfer to Special Victims. Over the years we bumped into each other a few times - you know, at the occasional hangout, or police function. We gradually got the banter back, but everything else was always there. So much stuff left unsaid."
"You weren't ready," Olivia said simply, without a trace of judgment.
Kat nodded. "But then this case happened. Seeing how much you guys were hurting, and seeing it from the other side…Elliot's side. The self-hatred and blame? I just didn't want to check out without letting Fin know I was sorry. That I understood."
"Elliot passed along your message," Olivia assured her. "He knew you wouldn't have asked it of him if it weren't significant to you."
Kat smiled self-deprecatingly. "Unfortunately I pulled through, so I guess I'm not off the hook after all."
Olivia returned her smile. "There are worse fates. Plus Fin's had a hell of a lot of time to sit with it now."
"Olivia, when we got to that house and Elliot realized you weren't there… Thinking that he failed you? Lost you for good? I uh… I've never seen anything like it. Don't want to see it ever again."
The urgency in Kat's expression only underscored the icy feeling in the pit of Olivia's stomach when she thought about all of the catastrophic ways the final moments could have prospectively played themselves out.
"Olivia, I'm sorry. I honestly didn't ask you in here to talk about the case," Kat said, recognizing the far off look in Olivia's eyes and trying to reach her.
Olivia rubbed a palm along her forehead, meeting Kat's gaze once more. "So what did you want to talk about?" she asked, trying to cling to the present.
The sparkle was back in Kat's eyes, along with a slowly spreading mischievous grin.
"I wanted ask you how things were going with that devastatingly handsome partner of yours…"
Olivia breathed a laugh. "You never stop, do you?"
"Nope," Kat replied decisively. "So spill. Humor me in my time of need."
At that moment, two knocks resounded from opposite the door.
"Come in!" Olivia called, a bit too eagerly. She looked back down at Kat with a hint of relief as Fin made his way inside. "Saved by the door," she mumbled under her breath.
"Hmnph," Kat grumbled.
"You two have some catching up to do anyway," Olivia murmured, shooting Kat a meaningful look.
"Yeah," Kat sighed.
Olivia prepared to stand, but Kat stilled her movements with a light grasp on her hand.
"Just tell me that he got the girl," she whispered with a smile. "The reckless hero always gets the girl in the end."
She punctuated her statement with a wink, and Olivia laughed in earnest.
"What's so funny?" Fin asked from across the room.
"Nothing," they said in unison.
"Girl talk," he muttered disapprovingly, approaching to hand Olivia her cup of coffee and placing a bottle of water down on Kat's bedside table.
He turned away, heading back toward the couch at the far side of the room.
"Olivia…" Kat nagged, pleading with her to answer her question.
Olivia smiled at the absurdity of the request, feeling as though she was somehow caught in a time warp, gossiping about boys in a grade school bathroom. Nevertheless, she found herself bending down to align her mouth near Kat's ear as she whispered, "He got the girl."
Olivia stood, pointedly ignoring Kat's Cheshire cat grin and saying quick goodbyes to both of them. She was halfway through the door to freedom when Kat's voice rang out loud and clear.
"It's about damn time."