Day Twenty-One
The three things that you fear the most?

I fear that my Mother's case will never be solved.

I have finally found the strength to accept that hunting the monsters responsible for my Mother's death is not the only thing that my life should be about, but I don't believe that I could survive an entire lifetime without ever knowing what truly happened.
I have come a long way from the heartbroken girl who used to hide herself away in the precinct until two o'clock in morning, running herself to the ground and desperately searching for anything that she had previously missed; but that girl will always a part of me. I still need to know the truth if I am ever going to be able to put the demons of my past fully behind me.

I have found love and happiness and all of the wonderful things that there are in life, but there are still pieces missing. I want to be the best possible version of myself, to be more than the broken hearted girl of my past, and I know that I am not able to be that person without the closure of having solved my Mother's case.
My Mum will forever be in my heart, forever by my side, but I know now that her murder doesn't have to be. I need her case to be closed not just for myself, but for everyone whom I love and care for. We all deserve a chance at life, and for too long that chance has been buried under the weight of an open case file; it's time now for us all to move on.

I fear that I am not deserving of the love that Castle so ardently shows me.

I have done so much in the past that has hurt Castle, and yet he has never faltered in his love for me. I was so concerned with protecting my own heart that I couldn't see the pain and the torment that I was causing to Castle's. I had what I believed to be good reasons for my actions, but that doesn't make what I did any better; it doesn't make it any less hurtful for the wonderful man who was on the receiving end.
And yet, Castle never gave up on me. Every day he stood by my side, he held my hand, and he promised me that everything was going to be ok. Even when I did all that I could to push him away, to fight against his friendship and to deny his love, even on the worst of days Castle refused to give up on the hope that one day all of the pain and suffering would come to an end; the hope that I would finally be strong enough be a part of the life that he was offering me.

I'm not scared that one day he will wake up and realise that I was never worth the pain, but rather I am scared because I know that that will never happen. Castle is too good of a man to ever think such a thing; too brave and courageous of heart, too open and accepting of love, too strong to ever give up the fight. And that is what I fear.
It terrifies me to think that I am never going to be good enough for him; that no matter how hard I try, I am always going to be the one who is causing him pain. Richard Castle is truly the best of men, and perhaps he deserves someone better than the person I am today.

I love Castle with every beat of my heart and every breath of my lungs, but I can't promise him that I am never again going to be scared of that love. I want so desperately to be everything that he is; to be fearless and brave and stronger than anyone I have ever known, but I don't know if I can be.
All I can promise is that I will never give up trying; I will never give up on the hope that one day I will be the person who Castle deserves to have stood by his side until the day that this world is finished with the both of us.

I fear the decision that I have to make on returning to the NYPD.

The time that I have spent away from the precinct has been wonderful, and it was exactly what I needed; a break from the heartache and the constant reminders of my past, but it has also made me realise that I don't know who I am away from the job. I have been Detective Kate Beckett for such a very long time that I don't quite remember how to not be her; I don't know how to just be Kate.
Part of me thinks that that is exactly the reason why I should stay away; that I need to give myself a chance to find out who I am away from the murder board, but the other part believes that that is why I need to return; to go back to what I am good at. And both parts seem utterly convinced that they are right.

I don't know what to do, and that scares me. Never before in my life have I been so unsure of myself, so confused and filled with contradicting opinions. The more I think about it, the worst it gets. Every thought is different to the last; every decision that I make is tainted with the knowledge that in a moments time I will arrive at its opposite.
Castle has told me that he is with me in whatever choice I make; that he is head-over-heels in love and by my side no matter what direction our lives take. So, I have to make this decision for myself – for the life that I want to lead and for the happiness that I have waited my entire life to find. But, I don't know how to choose.

To be continued...

I am so sorry that this has taken me such a long time to update, but I just haven't had the time to write this past week.
We are back at school tomorrow morning - for my last year before university, so there may be a few days in between chapters but I will do my very best to update as regularly as possible.
And to kcuona and racheybabe, I promise that I haven't forgotten about your questions for Enquires - I just didn't want to rush the answers and write them poorly as a result.

Thank you ever so much for reading, and I really am sorry for all the delays.
Until next time,
Katie