Someone said once that if you feel pain, it means you're still alive. He did not mention anything about hunger, although he should. Hunger clearly indicates that you are still alive. But heck you have to first find something to eat, to keep this life as long as possible. Easy to say. Finding something capable of to eat it's quite a challenge, you can believe me. I sat in the canteen and I buried in a plate with a spoon. The soup on my plate was indeterminate appearance, taste and smell. I winced my face and thought with a wry smile "I think the cook deserves to be shot." Overcoming the revulsion I tasted this suspicious 'soup'. I almost vomited. "Yaaah! It's disgusting! Geez! I'm not able to eat it. Gosh, maybe at least I will find here some piece of bread?" I thought and looked around.

My eyes caught a single object. A knife. "No way .." I thought. "It can not be .." I stood up and walked over to the counter, on which lay a knife. Uncertainly I've taken it in your hand. It was perfectly balanced, lightweight knife with a long, sharp blade. Perfect state, great steel. But my attention was caught by the handle, and more precisely, an inscription on it. "STEEL". Yes, it was "that knife". I felt like something squeezing my heart.

Someone entered to the canteen. But I did not have to even turn around to see who it was. I just knew. "He..? Is he here, Cousin?" I asked quietly, trying to hide the emotion in my voice. I heard like Martin sat on a chair. "Nah.. you know him. He appears and disappears soon after. He saved my ass. Hah. Not the first time anyway." he said, and a moment later I heard the sound of spoons hitting the wall." Yaaak! Oh man, that's disgusting! "

I smiled, "Yes, I know.. Like everything here. I guess the chef is hiding against lynching, huh?"

"I wouldn't surprised he did. I would gladly smashed him by myself, too." Martin coughed and spat out saliva. "Anyway, I needed a knife. Steel lent me his own. I was sure that you will recognize it right away."

I nodded. "Yes, I did", I said quietly. I turned the handle. On the other side was hand engraved inscription. "From Birdie. Forever." I felt like my hands are shaking. "Forever" I thought bitterly. "It turned out to be too short .."

Martin seemed to read my mind because he said warmly, "He was very insistent to give back it to him. He even threatened me if I will not do it. Heh, he's freak.."

I sighed heavily. I felt like everything inside me was dying again. "Tell me, Martin. What am I supposed to do? Why does he still hates me? "

"I do not think he hates you."

"He doesn't? Then why is he avoiding me? Why is he acting like I'd not exist for him? Why he ..?

"Ellen.." Martin interrupted me gently. "Sometimes man can not accept certain facts and come to terms with the situation. He can not. Neither are you."

"You speak in riddles, Cousin."

"I mean, it's hard to be first one who break the impasse. It's hard to admit to mistakes, especially for men. You gotta believe me.."

I turned around and looked at him. "But I want to be first, I want to break this, as you call it impasse. But I can not. I can not, because he does not want to come back here."

Martin looked me straight in the eye. "You blame him? He left this place in a rather unpleasant circumstances."

I looked down. "I know. I still remember that day .." I looked thoughtful. I had sixteen years then. Steel was the same age as Derek. My first innocent kiss.. It took a moment I got back with my thoughts to reality. I added quietly. "Derek had nearly killed him.. his own best friend. I still do not get it"

Martin shook his head. "No. You do. You understand it very well. It's you were the reason. Good enough reason in my opinion." I looked at him with tears in her eyes. "No, that's not entirely true. Isn't it?" I looked closely at Martin. "You know something more, do you? Please, tell me Cousin.. " But Martin turned his head and did not answer. "Fine .." I sighed and I turned back to the counter. I touched the knife. "Now everything has changed .." I said quietly. "I've changed myself. I have not seen him for eight years. Eight years, Cousin. If only .." I sighed and whispered "I'd give anything to see him again."

"You say it and you got it!" I heard a loud cry. I knew that voice. Unfortunately, all too well. And in addition this vote does not mean anything good. Nothing good for me. That was the last person that I wanted to see at the moment. "Louise .." I said flatly, without turning. I heard laughter and the sound of footsteps. Louise stood behind me. "Yes, it's me, baby. How did you know?"

I clenched my teeth. If anywhere was someone who pissed me to the limit, it was just Louise. "The food is like disaster from the moment you're here," I said. He laughed heartily. I never understood what exactly makes him so happy while I was furious. "It's because of my aura, sweetie."

"Rather because of your stench. Just do world a favor and take a bath sometimes."

"Next year, I promise." He stepped forward, took me by the shoulders, leaned over and said, "Did you miss me?" I shuddered violently. I pushed him away and turned. I narrowed my eyes and said, dryly. "Yeah, I do. Like for diarrhea."

He stepped back a few steps, cocked his head and winked in the direction of Martin. "Charming as always, isn't she?" Martin did not respond, but he seemed to have fun. Men's solidarity is scaring me sometimes. But he was right. I always have treated him in this 'uncomfortable' way. Unfairly? Possibly. Louise was a good soldier, a great pilot and a faithful comrade. But at the same time he was terribly self-righteous, annoying and importunate. He decided he'd be my boyfriend, and, to my misfortune, he was terribly stubborn about this matter. Half of the female part of our base hated me because of his intensive interest in my person. The irony of fate. I'd give anything just to he left me alone. That's why I was doing everything to discourage him. So far, to no avail.

My other line of defense was to avoid his presence as often as possible. This time also I decided to just go out. "I'll go see how Green feels. If you need me, I'll be in the infirmary," I said to Martin, while dodging Louis. However, my tactics failed this time too, because Louise went after me. Fortunately, Martin decided it was time to intervene, because he called to us, "Hey Joe, I heard you got a new machine. This toy is impressive." Louise stopped. He turned to Martin and he looked in my direction, uncertain what to do. Finally, he decided to stay here. "See you at the party, Ellen." he said in my direction and sat next to Martin. "Yeah. Dude, I'm telling you, this is a real torpedo in the air.." Martin looked at me and smiled. I also smiled and nodded gratefully. Good to know that I can count on the support, in all circumstances.

I turned and started toward the clinic. Meanwhile I planned how to once and for all get rid of Louis out of my life. "Yes, see you at the party, Louise.. I guarantee that you will not never forget this day."