It was like being in their bedroom the night Drake had attempted suicide all over again. Josh watched with distant eyes and empty emotion as the paramedics busied themselves around Drake, trying to get him to open his eyes, assessing the damage that had been done. Broken arm, broken rib, punctured lung... those were only a few of the words Josh heard the paramedics throwing at each other as they did everything they could to help Drake.
Josh had let them bandage the gash in his arm, he'd need stitches, but he wasn't worried about himself. All he could think about was they way Drake had cried in his arms, the way he'd cried as he said he didn't want to die. Almost a week ago, Drake had been ready to let go of everything, now, he was fighting to survive. It wasn't fair, Drake wanted to live, and Paul was taking that away from him.
Josh looked through the paramedics as they moved around in the small ambulance, his eyes never leaving drake, even when his sight was hindered. He'd seen the transition as the color had faded from Drake's skin, the forced rise and fall of his chest as they forced him to keep breathing. Every so often Drake would cough, and blood would splatter into the oxygen mask, causing josh's heart to skip a beat. They'd wrapped the cuts on Drake's hands, the opened gash on his wrist. The stab wound to his gut. There was so much blood that Josh was sure that he would pass out.
His mind wouldn't let him. He'd made himself empty to what was happening around himself to keep from crying, to make himself stay seated on the sidelines so that the paramedics could do their jobs. All he wanted was to be next to Drake, holding his hand and willing him to be okay. He'd promised Drake that he would be okay. The thought that the last promise he'd made might be the last he'd make tore at Josh. If Drake died now, what would he do? He couldn't begin to imagine life without his brother, couldn't bare to try. But it wasn't about him, it was about Drake. Drake's life was at stake, was slowly slipping away.
Josh reached forward, trying to stay out of the paramedics way as he lightly touched drake's hand. It was so cold. "Not like this." he whispered. "You've been through too much to die like this. Find that strength and hold onto it,." he begged, hesitating to move his hand as the paramedic asked him to stay back. You can do this, you beat everything else. Please, don't leave me... Josh thought as hard as he could, trying to send the words to drake as the paramedics fought to keep him stable.
The minutes dragged by painfully as they made their way to the hospital. It was everything josh could do to keep himself still, to try and empty his mind as his fears and grief crashed within. No one was talking to him. When he'd first entered the ambulance they'd had all kinds of questions, wanting to know how drake had been before passing out, how long he'd been unconscious. Now, they weren't saying a word to him. He didn't know what was happening with drake, and it was driving him crazy. He didn't care if they lied to him, as long as they told him drake would be okay, that he'd get through this. Josh just needed something to believe in as he waited, as he watched.
The moment the ambulance stopped all but one of the paramedics rushed Drake out and into the emergency doors. The remaining man stayed with Josh, helping him out to lead him to a doctor who could stitch up his arm. Josh panicked as he watched Drake disappear behind those doors, as he lost sight of him. Without thinking he tried to run after them, his tears finally breaking free as the paramedic held him back.
"He's my brother, I need to be there for him." Josh begged between sobs.
"He'll be okay." the paramedic said the words josh had wanted to hear, though it was evident that he didn't believe them. "Lets get your arm looked at." he said comfortingly, leading josh through the doors and down a busy hallway.
Josh didn't look at the doctor who came in to work on his arm. He barley flinched as he was given a shot to numb the area around the wound. With empty eyes he watched the doctor put in the stitches. Every pull of thread that brought his skin back together sent a wave of memories through him. He and Drake had drifted apart during the course of events that had brought them here, but they'd come back together in an attempt to heal. He could remember every word they'd exchanged as they fought, every emotion that had torn through him. The anger, the guilt. It had numbed him to what was really happening and pulled them apart. He could still hear Drake's breaking voice as he'd told him everything. As they'd come together to try and put a stop to all of the pain that had overtaken Drake's life. They'd been together in those final, breaking moments, holding each other up in the face of evil.
"Is Drake going to be okay?" josh asked the doctor as he finished with the stitches.
The doctor sighed heavily, putting away his tools. "I don't know." he replied. "He's with good men right now, and they'll do everything that they can." He dint know anything about the boys brother, but he couldn't in good conscience lie to him. He was unaware of the other boys condition, but from what he'd heard josh mutter absently during the stitching, it sounded bad.
"Can I see him?" Josh asked, eyes begging.
The doctor shook his head, wearily standing. "Not right now, but I believe that your parents are here." he offered a smile. "Would you like to see them?"
Josh nodded, afraid to speak anymore. As he followed the doctor through the halls he told himself that he'd be strong for his parents. They new less then he did, they hadn't been there. He told himself that he'd be their rock in this terrifying moment, hold them up as they all waited to know.
His reserve broke as he saw Audrey, the tears rolling down her cheeks as she and Walter ran toward him. He felt himself being pulled into her arms and held comfortingly, and he broke down into tears. "I'm sorry." He whispered, hugging his mother tightly.
Audrey shook her head, hesitantly pulling back but not letting go. "For what?" She asked through tears. "You saved Drake from them."
Josh shook his head, unable to look her in the eyes. He'd saved Drake from Cody, but not from Paul. 'I should have done more." he whispered harshly.
Audrey gripped Josh's shoulders firmly, looking into his downcast eyes. "You did everything that you could, and it saved his life."
"How do you know?" Josh asked, his voice quiet.
Audrey offered Josh a warm smile. She was very proud of what he'd done."I believe that Drake will be okay." She said. "All we have right now is faith, without it, we'll tear ourselves apart. Just believe in Drake, in his strength." She didn't know how far faith would take them, but it was the only thing keeping her together. As a mother, just the thought of loosing him was enough to send her into complete despair. She had to believe that he would be okay, that the doctors knew what they were doing, and were doing it right. If she lost that faith, and let the darkness in then she was admitting defeat, not only for herself, but for her son. "He'll be okay." She whispered, pulling Josh into another tight embrace, hiding her own tears.
When Audrey finally let go of him, Walter stepped forward. Like his wife, he pulled Josh into his arms and held him. He'd seen the stitches on Josh's arm, and he knew how they'd been earned. One of the boys, mike, had told the police everything. And in turn, when they'd arrived at the hospital the police had told them. "I'm so proud of you." Walter whispered, smiling down at josh. "It must have been terrifying, but you stood up to those boys and you held your ground. Without you, Drake wouldn't have made it this far."
Josh took comfort in his fathers words. He didn't know if he believed that he'd really saved Drake, but he appreciated the thought his parents had given. He knew that he;d done what he could, but until they knew for sure, he couldn't take credit for saving his brothers life. He'd believed that Drake was safe at home, and he'd left him there. That blind faith had allowed all of this to happen, and Josh couldn't forgive himself for that.
~.~
The next few hours were some of the hardest for the Nichols/Parker family. They alternated between sitting in the stiff lobby chairs and pacing the linoleum floors. Every so often a nurse or doctor would come out and reassure them that so far, Drake was alive. But they weren't sure just how long it would be until things were certain, when they'd be able to see him. No one wanted to talk about what might be happening, what the doctors would say when they finally emerged from the emergency room doors with the final verdict. Each of them clung to the belief that Drake would be okay, it was all they could do.
Meghan sat next to josh, her eyes occasionally falling onto the wound on his arm. She didn't know what had happened out at the warehouses, but she knew that Josh had fought to keep Drake safe. She respected him for that. In all the years she'd known josh, he'd always been so afraid of the things around him. He wasn't a fighter, he overreacted easily. But looking at him now, she saw a different side of him,. He'd been hurt trying to protect Drake, had rushed into certain death to bring Drake back.
Without warning, she wrapped her arms around josh, hiding her face as he looked down at her in surprise. "Thank you." She said softly. "For bringing him back. I was so sure that you'd make things worse, but you saved him." it was hard for her to say those words, to let go of her cold nature. She didn't know if Drake would be okay for sure, but like her mother, she had to believe that he would.
Josh shook his head, sighing heavily. "I didn't do enough. Paul got away, and he almost took drake with him. He still could..."
"Drake's too stubborn to die now." Meghan said lightly. "He's going to pull through."
Josh blinked back tears, trying to believe in her hope. She hadn't seen Drake, didn't know what condition he'd been in when they arrived. Drake was stubborn, but he was also afraid. He needed something to believe in while he was dying in Josh's arms, had depended on Josh telling him that he would be okay. Josh had believed himself when he'd been there with Drake, but now, after seeing the extent of the damage and watching the paramedics fight to keep drake alive, he didn't know what to believe.
If Drake could only be as invincible as they all believed he was, then Josh would fight logic and reasoning, and believe. He would drown his fears in hope, just to know that he would see Drake again, the way he'd used to be. It was hard, after everything he'd seen and heard to have belief in anything good, but for Drake, he would try.
Audrey looked at her watch every few minutes, watching as time slowly slid by. She knew that constantly checking how long they'd been waiting made it worse, but she didn't know what else to do. If she sat down, then all she could do was pray. When she paced, she felt the eyes of her family following her, they own worry growing as hers became more evident.
She wanted to storm into the emergency room and demand answers from every nurse and doctor that crossed her path. She wanted to look at her son, and know that he was alive. She believed in the doctors, in Drake, but not knowing was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to bare. Every ten minutes or so she found herself back in Walter's arms, crying and taking comfort in his belief that things would be okay. He didn't seem to have any doubt that things would turn out for the better, and she needed that support.
They were all sitting down when the doctor finally emerged from the Emergency room doors, looking worn down and disheveled. He stopped to say something to a nurse before approaching the family, all of them standing as they waited to hear the words that would either free them from their distress, or shatter their lives.
"Your son is alive," he said, taking in their collective sighs of relief.
Audrey and Walter stepped forward, mere inches away from the tired man. "Can we see him?" She all but begged.
The doctor took a careful step back, not wanting to alarm the family. "Your son has been through a very traumatic experience," he began. "There are countless bruises from the beating, he has a broken arm, and his previously fractured rib was broken, puncturing his lung. We've placed a chest tube in, to help him breath and allow built up fluids to drain, it'll remain there until were sure that it can come out. He's been given medication for the pain, so he may not be responsive. Luckily, there was no serious damage done where he was stabbed, but he does have stitches that cannot be stressed. He'll need to remain here for a few days for observation before he can be sent home. He's very lucky to be alive right now." The doctor said, offering what comfort he could. They'd almost lost him once during the procedures, but he'd held on and pushed through. "He's not out of the woods yet, but he's shown determination to live, and that's a very good sign."
"But can we see him?" Audrey asked again. She didn't want to be rude, but she needed to see Drake to believe the Doctor's words. To know that he was, for the most part, okay.
The Doctor nodded, understanding the families distress. "He's in the ICU, so for this first visit, we'd like to keep it short. He's in desperate need of rest."
Everyone nodded in understanding, following the doctor through the busy halls and toward the room where drake had been placed. The doctor stopped outside of a half open door, looking inside. "He's not fully conscious, but he might be able to hear you. It will be very comforting for him to know that you were here."
Audrey went in first, stepping carefully around the machines and monitors that were hooked up to Drake. She listened to the heart monitor, taking comfort in the steady sounds that assured her that his heart was beating. It broke her heart to see him so hurt, when just last night he'd been so okay. She couldn't imagine what had happened that day to leave him like this, but she hoped that the boys who'd done this to him suffered the consequences.
She wrapped her hand around his, shocked at how cold it was. She knew that he was fighting right now, could see the snuggle on the artificial calm over his face, but she believed that he could win that fight. She tried not to look at the tubes and monitors, but to only see Drake. "I know you're hurting," She said softly. "I know that you might want to give up, but, but you can't." Her tears were falling. "You have the strength to fight this drake, I know you do.
She let out a shuddering breath as she lovingly ran a hand over his face. "You were so brave, anyone else might have just given up. But not you." she closed her eyes, trying not to break down. "I know I wasn't there for you before, but I'm here now. I'm sorry, for not taking the time to listen before." It hurt to say those words, to admit to herself that she hadn't really been there for him. It'd been so easy to think that he was being rebellious, rather then see that someone as strong as he;'d always been was being hurt. "I love you. From the moment you were born, through all of the years you have left. I will always love you." She said, squeezing his hand as she hesitantly moved away.
Walter didn't have many words as he stood beside Drake, grasping his cool hand and holding in comfortingly. Just knowing that Drake was alive meant the world to him, helped him to believe on small miracles. "I'm proud of you." he said softly. "You stood up to them, and you stood by Josh. He wouldn't have been able to do it alone." he smiled, looking down at Drake's sleeping face as his tears welled behind his eyes. "I've never really known how to talk to you," Walter confessed, "But I want you to believe me when I say that I'm proud of you, that I love you."
Meghan took time to observe every machine, and every wound that had been inflicted upon her brother. She forced the tears to stay back as she walked up to him, taking his warm hand into her own and offering an old smile. She knew that Drake couldn't see it, but despite the state he was in, she was happy to know that he was alive. "You scared me." She said, her voice soft, yet stern. "I'm not scared of very much, but when I thought that you'd be gone, I was so afraid." her voice cracked. "It's not time for you to go yet, and if you die..." She couldn't continue the sentence. Drake was okay now, but his recovery wasn't certain. "You're gonna make it through this, and the guys who did this to you, will all pay. I promise." She said darkly. "believe me Drake, he wont get away with this."
Meghan leaned forward, kissing Drake on the cheek. She couldn't remember ever having done it before, but she didn't want to risk never doing it. No matter how much he could annoy her, she loved him. He was her big brother, her awkward protector. He meant the world to her, even if she never let it show. She hated the tears that had broken free of her hold on them, how helpless they made her feel. She took a moment to calm herself and wipe away the tears before slowly leaving the room. She didn't care what it took, she would have vengeance, not just for herself, but for Drake.
Josh had read enough to know what every machine and tube was doing, and that knowledge hurt. He wished that he didn't know just how badly Drake was hurt, how bad things could still get. Upon first entering the room, he could do little more then stare at the equipment that was helping drake to stay alive, because he was afraid of what one mistake could mean.
His eyes traveled from the cast on Drake's arm to the small, paper thin cuts on his throat. He'd come so close to dying that it was unbearable to think about. The slightest bit more pressure, and he could be dead. If Andrew hadn't been there, if Paul hadn't lost his control over Cody, then Josh might not have been able to do anything. He wrapped his hand around Drake's, taking comfort in the warmth. It'd been so cold when they'd been in the ambulance that Josh had been sure they'd loose him.
"I'm sorry," josh whispered, his breaths heavy. "If I wouldn't have gone to school, then this wouldn't have happened. If you're mad at me, I understand. I practically let them take you, let this happen." Josh shook his head. When Drake was better, they could talk about all of the things he'd done wrong, They could fix the hurt.
"You're gonna be okay." josh said, putting all of his faith into the words. "You're gonna get better, and you'll get us into ridiculous trouble. We're gonna laugh," Josh stopped, unable to talk through the sobs that were working their way out. All of the hurt he'd tried to suppress before couldn't be contained any more. "I know it hurts now, but this cant be the end Drake, it just can't. You're too strong to give up now, believe me." Josh tried to smile, but he was afraid. "I'll be there for you, no matter what happens to you. Just, please, don't give up now."
It took everything josh had to step away from Drake. Every ounce of self control just to make the tears stop so that he could face his family, and look like he believed that Drake would be okay. They would never really know just how close they'd come to loosing Drake, would never know what it was like to hold him dying in their arms and listen to him beg to live. It was so much easier for them to believe that everything was going to be okay, and josh envied that, especially now.
~.~
Everything was numb, and that complete lack of feeling was terrifying. Drake knew enough to know that the numbness was for his own good, that it was to help with the pain, but not feeling it at all left him uncertain as to whether or not he was still alive. He'd been in and out of darkness for what felt like hours, hearing bits and pieces of medical talk. A voice had assured him that he would be okay, but he didn't know if he could trust it. Maybe he was dreaming? Maybe he was dying?
The last thing he clearly remembered was crying, letting go of all of his strength and turning to josh for help. He felt weak for begging josh to tell him he'd be okay, but the thought of dying terrified him. If the damage had been as bad as he'd felt, then he didn't want to know the truth. When he'd felt that blade trust through him, he was so sure that it was over... but he'd believed josh when he'd told him that he'd be okay.
Drake had heard everyone enter the room, though parts of their conversations were lost in the waves of passing consciousness. He'd wished he'd had the strength to open his eyes, to let them know that he was still there. They were all hurting so much, and he wanted to comfort them, like they were trying to do for him. He wanted to feel them next to him, to know that they'd really been there.
Drake tried to let his mind relax, to believe that he was alive and everything would be okay. He forced the recent memories away, and let his mind drift through better days, when life had been everything that it was made out to be. The smiles of his parents, the annoying pranks, the misadventures he and josh always manged to get caught up in. If he was dying, then those were the things he wanted to remember.
~.~.~.~.~.~.~
A/N: I've been writing for about six hours straight, the emotion in this chapter just, it kind of destroyed me, but it kept me going as well. To have stopped would have destroyed it, I thin. I know that there isn't much action in this chapter, but this chapter belongs to the family, and mostly Josh. Because the bond between Drake and Josh is so important, and so strong, that I really felt it was important to capture the way Josh was feeling. I wrote this chapter while listening to Thriving Ivory's Angels on the moon, and it really just makes it that much more emotional to me.