Bellamy was waiting for her, not in her room as she told him, but right outside, standing before the door. He saw her as soon as she turned in the hallway, before she had a chance to. She stopped when their looks met, uncertain of how she was going to handle this. She had been the one making this happen even though she knew it was a bad idea, she was now going to take it to an end before making even more of a mess, but she'd be damned if she knew how. And he smiled to her. She acknowledged it by twitching the corners of her mouth, which really was the closest thing of a smile this situation inspired her. They both entered her room, and she closed the door behind her. Sighing, she turned to him –he was facing her, and reached to her as soon as the door was closed.
"-Clarke…
-Wait, wait." She interrupted, before he was close enough to touch her. "-I think I should go first." He stopped to consider her.
"-Why?
-I just… You should hear what I have to say before…
-No, I mean… I know you, you know. You're about to tell me this was a one-time thing or something like that. Why?"
She bit her lip, taken aback. Well, at least she wouldn't have to break it to him.
"-Because I shouldn't have done that to begin with.
-Done that? You're saying that like it was a crime or something. We didn't do anything wrong, Clarke. It was far from wrong.
-It wasn't right either.
-Why not? Is this because you still feel guilty? If so, Clarke, you can't just… You can't stop living because of what happened.
-That's not it.
-Then what? You know…" He looked at her with his head just a little tilted and this sad look she was starting to know so well. "-You know how I feel about you, right?"
She closed her eyes briefly and readied herself.
"-Yeah. That's exactly why I was wrong to come to you. I don't… I'm sorry, Bellamy, really, but I don't feel like that. I care about you, a lot, but not… Not like you do. I should never have come, not…
-Then why did you?
-Because I needed someone. I needed to not be alone, and I knew you'd… I knew you'd be there for me."
They stared at each other in silence for few seconds, and she forced herself not to look away.
"-So you just…" He started, but stopped almost immediately.
"-I'm sor…
-You just barged in here and, and… Because you knew I was in love with you and thought I wouldn't mind being used for… For comfort sex?
-I knew you would mind, of course, that's exactly why I'm telling you this was wrong! I know it was terrible and I should never have done that! I just…
-You just what?" He barked at her, and she stepped back, almost physically hurt. She didn't have that much space to back up though –she hit the door immediately.
"-I just couldn't stand the night alone. And I know this is no reason to use you like that, but I… I didn't know what else to do.
-I can think of literally dozens of things you could have done! The same thing you had done the nights before, to begin with! I mean, it had been days since you got back, why did you… Why the hell did you suddenly decide that this night you couldn't spent without fucking someone?
-Hey, you don't need to…
-To what, get angry? Do you even realize… You're not the only one who's hurting here, Clarke, you know that? I killed them as much as you did! Do you think I don't feel awful about that? Do you think I don't wish it ended differently? But you don't see me going around making everyone feel sorry for me and even less bang people to make myself feel better!
-You weren't in charge!" She shouted, matching the raise of his voice. "-You were following orders, mine, no matter what you said about that. I took charge of everything and got hundreds –hundreds, Bellamy- of people killed! I don't think I'm the only one person in pain, but yeah, I do believe that I'm the only mass murderer around here, and excuse me if I'm not dealing particularly well with this! I make mistakes, okay? I mess up –in pretty much everything I do, and yeah, I made a mistake coming to you, but that doesn't give you the right to attack me like that.
-Attack you? I've been nothing but supportive since the minute you came back –since Mount Weather, actually! We've all been as nice as we all could, and you keep pushing us away, you keep acting like you're the only one who has to deal with bad stuff, and the one time you actually let someone in, you come the next day pushing me out again! How have I not the right to be mad?
-I did not… I haven't been pushing you away…
-Are you kidding me? When was the last time you even talked to anyone of us, except in the Council meetings? Have you even seen your mother lately? The only one person you haven't been shutting out, for reasons beyond my comprehension, was Lexa, and you…"
He stopped altogether, like something struck him.
"-That's why you came last night. That's why you wouldn't stay alone, right? You thought she was dead and you… You needed someone to warm her place in your bed?
-I have never… Ok, you're completely off trail there! Just because I don't want to sleep with you anymore, it doesn't necessarily mean there's someone else, you know. Sorry to tell you, I just don't have feelings for you.
-You know what, it actually makes fucking way more sense all of the sudden. You two…
-Us two nothing, God! You're talking about Lexa! The freaking Commander! That burned our friend and ditched us literally at the door of Mount Weather!
-Yeah, the freaking Commander who spent more than time than your own mother at the infirmary when you were there, who freaked out so much when we thought you were dead that she was ready to send her entire nation to war to get back at Alie! The Commander you still talk to more than to anyone else even though she's not even there anymore!
-Ok, we'll have this discussion when you're not delusional anymore."
He caught her arm as she turned to open the door, forcing her to face him again.
"-You're not going anywhere before you tell me the truth.
-Let me go now.
-No way, Princess. You owe me the t…
-I don't owe you anything!
-You used me and lied to me!
-Oh, because you never used anyone for sex!
-Not someone that was actually in love with me, no!
-Well I'm sorry that you fell in love with me, I really am, but I can't unmake that for you, and I can't make myself love you back either, so no matter what we do, that probably means you're gonna be hurt. But you need to find a way to deal with it without freaking out like that, 'cause we've got a war in our hands, Bellamy, and we need to be a team –which definitely won't happen if you're busy trying to figure out who I'm sleeping with. Especially since I'm not sleeping with anyone, least of all Lexa. Yeah, I have been spending time with her, but it's not like that. You don't know what it feels like to… She gets me. Maybe I've been pushing you –all of you- away, but you just can't imagine how I feel around you. With her, I… Well, she definitely is a mass murderer too. When I'm with her, it's the only time I don't feel like a monster.
-Clarke, you're not! I'm seriously mad at you right now, but it doesn't mean… You're not a monster, you just tried to save your people like we all did! You need to stop beating yourself up, and…
-See, I know you're probably thinking what you're saying, but it just… It doesn't make anything better. The way you all are with me, it just makes me feel… Like you're all so great to me and I don't deserve any of it. So yeah, last night was probably the worst idea I had since –oh, you know, that one time I killed an entire civilization. And I'm sorry about it. And that's actually really all that I wanted to say to you.
-You're doing it again. Will you please explain me how you expect not to be alone if you don't let anyone be there for you?
-I'm not having that discussion. I just wanted to apologize, and now we're done.
-We really might be, if you keep acting like that, Clarke.
-If you feel that it's better that way, fine. As long as we can keep working together."
That silenced him, and he just stared at her, as if he couldn't believe what she said. She turned to open the door, and didn't turn back when he found his voice again and called her through the hallway.
….
Zeke muttered apologies again when Leal winced at his contact. She could tell that he was trying to be gentle, but her skin was burning as hell, and she had been in constant pain since she left the bunker. On her hands and arms, it was more than hurting; it had actually burned, or melted, or whatever those kinds of radiations did to human flesh. Despite Zeke's reassurance that it was only superficial, she couldn't help being scared; it was goddamn painful, it looked just like the burns of the Mountain Men –and they only survived it few minutes- and even if Zeke was right and that it was only skin wounds, she had been exposed to an insane dose of radiations. There was no way to predict the long-terms effects.
He had given her painkillers before anything else, which she was grateful beyond words about, but as he took care of her burns, she caught herself thinking that she would give the world to be hooked up on something else right now.
She had spent a whole lot of her last year on the Arch stoned with pretty much anything she could land a hand on –actually, that was what had guaranteed her a passage on Earth- but it had never been really addictive drugs, and after the Hundreds were sent to the ground, she had barely missed it –maybe the first days, but after that, they all had been too busy surviving to even think about getting high. Although the berries had been entertaining. Until today, it had seemed like a brutal change of life was the best rehab cure ever. But right now, she would have killed for one single joint, for example. Filled only with weed.
Well, that was something else that was lost to them forever, she thought, focusing on that subject to avoid being overwhelmed by the pain. Even if Zeke was really gentle, the feeling of the disinfectant and bandages on her damaged skin, added to the throbbing pain of the burns, was terrible.
It took him a long time to be done with her, mostly because he had to peel the burned sleeves of her shirt along with the dead skin on her arms before he could actually treat her wounds. She left the tent as soon as he cleared her –she knew there was no way he could have done his job without hurting her; still, for now, she needed to get away from him and any medical stuff. The painkillers were luckily starting to work their magic, and she thought that, with a proper distraction, she could actually forget about the all thing for a while.
Her favorite thinking topic of the month, the Commander, wasn't anywhere to be seen, which probably meant that she was in her tent, possibly with Shaïra or Maykl. She was still wearing her hazmat suit when Leal had handed her the core sealed in his box, making it impossible for the Sky girl to see her reaction, but when they had all got out of the Wasteland, and that the Grounders all took their suits off, she seemed exactly as usual, in control, and freakily calm. She could have been at least a little thrilled, Leal thought. After all, even if one man died for it, the core, and thus the Wasteland, had been neutralized! It was about the first good news since the beginning of all this mess. But noooo, when Leal had given her the box, she had took it and only nodded. Apparently, that was all the acknowledgment that Leal could hope for.
….
It was the end of the afternoon when the radio familiarly crackled, and Clarke immediately picked up.
"-We're listening.
-Clarke. I have good news."
Once again, the sound of Lexa's voice raised a mix of feelings: worry, miss, relief… The other Sky people around, namely Bellamy, Kane, Raven and Octavia, regrouped next to the radio.
"-Good news as in you managed to neutralize the core of the Wasteland?" She asked.
"-Yes. Yes, we did. Your scientists did, really.
-YES!" Raven shouted, and Clarke smiled, imitated by the others.
"-Wow. That is great news. Did it go according to their plans?
-The procedure did, but the core itself is different than what they expected. It is stabilized in a liquid form now, but it went through several states before that.
-What do you mean, states?
-I didn't see it, this is what Leal told me. She said it changed forms when she locked it in the box. It took the form of a map, then a face.
-Wait, what?" Bellamy intervened. "-What is that thing even made of?
-I have no idea, nor do I care, as long as it is not threatening my lands anymore.
-Did anyone get hurt? Was there anyone in the Wasteland?
-No. One was killed by the radiation, but no attacks.
-Clarke, should I send the birds fetch everyone else? Seems like some good news could do good.
-Yeah. Lexa, what did Leal say about that? What does she think of it?
-She doesn't know more than this either. The core is contained by the box, but when free, it is still very dangerous, and she doesn't think it is possible to study it. Not without the proper equipment, at least.
-Maybe you shouldn't travel with that thing, then.
-And what would I do with it? Leave it without anyone to watch it, where it could be taken back by Overseas Men? No, bring it with us is the safest option. It will be studied when we come back to Camp Jaha.
-So what, now?
-You know what. It works. We can disable many Wastelands, and we can't afford to lose time. If we head for Polis now, we'll be able to neutralize at least three or four of them by the time we get there, make sure the clans all know what is happening and are ready to defend themselves.
-So you really are gonna go all the way there?
-This was the plan.
-Yeah. I know. Hey, your chiefs and the rest of the Council are coming."
This time, there were less protestations from the leaders of the Clan, who in their majority were relieved to hear about the success of Lexa's team. Clarke was relieved as well, but Lexa's prolonged absence was going to leave her with another problem in her hands, she realized soon enough. There was an army of grounders before the camp. An army without Commander. A frustrated, worried army that no one was controlling anymore. How long before they started to think that their Commander was far enough for her orders to be ignored, that no one was forcing them to stay by the Sky people's side?
There was enough to say for the meeting to last until sundown, by which Clarke had to push her friends out of the room after the departure of the chiefs to talk to Lexa alone. Now that her warriors were out of the room and unable to hear her, she sounded tired, Clarke thought. Tired, tensed, and still worried about Clarke.
"-Have you had other dreams?
-Since this morning?
-I was referring to the last nights.
-Not Alie's ones, no. Just plain old regular nightmares. You know the type, don't you?
-Yes. Do you think they stopped for good?
-Maybe," she lied.
"-Maybe you shouldn't sleep alone, though. It worries me that you stay alone so much. If anything happens…
-Hey, you're the one travelling in a land infested by zombies with less than twenty warriors. I have an entire arm around me, if anything happens, I think I'm covered.
-Zombies? I don't know that word.
-Well, it's a dead person who's still –you know, moving, walking, and generally trying to eat people alive.
-You have a word for that? How specific. Are they all supposed to have silvered eyes?
-No. The silver-eyed aren't technically zombies, actually –luckily for us, because those contaminate living people by biting them, and that wouldn't mean anything good for you. You don't have any symptoms, right? No fever or anything?
-No. I don't think they are like your zombies.
-Well, good. That's one reason why you'll never come back that we can cross out.
-Clarke…
-Yeah, I know, you still think that you are coming back. You're still set on the second moon of winter? It's in barely two months.
-I considered that we might have to go all the way to Polis when I said that. It was always on the table, and it doesn't change anything to what I told you. I know you don't believe me, but yes, Clarke, before the second moon of winter rises and dies, I will be there –at the door of your camp."
There was a silence.
"-Will you be there too?
-Lexa, if you do come back…
-When.
-If you come back, there is nothing on this planet that will stop me to be there waiting for you. You know what, I'll even have made my damn mind.
-I'm sorry I said that. I truly am.
-Well, you could have put it less brutally, but you were right. I'm… still not sure how I'm supposed to with you –or without you- but by the time you come back, if you do, I'll at least have figured out which one I want. How does that sound to you?
-That sounds like a date, Clarke," Lexa answered, in an incredibly nice voice. At her own surprise, Clarke heard herself chuckle.
-Don't presume too much, Commander.
-I'll keep from doing that, Princess.
-Oh god, not you too! What on Earth is up with this princess thing?
-It's a good thing, Clarke. You were born to lead –my people and yours see this. This is a way of acknowledging it."
Clarke shook her head. "-They're wrong, Lexa. I'm nothing of a leader, I just got propelled here because everyone competent died! I'm gonna mess that up, like I do everything. Do you even know how many people I've lost? It's all gonna…
-Clarke," Lexa tried to interrupt her, then, as Clarke's panic kept flowing through the radio: "-Clarke, stop! Stop. None of this is true. You are afraid, it's normal. But no one gets leadership randomly. You were up against my people, who for the last century have been killing every day of their lives. You could never have saved everyone. The fact that you still have people alive at all is a miracle, one you made happen. You will not leave your people down. I have faith in you. Being afraid is normal, it doesn't lessen you if you don't let it.
-That's easy for you to say! You never are!
-Of fight? No. Of failure?" She paused an instant. "-When I first came to Polis, all the experience I had as a leader was commanding children and small groups of warriors, and I was asked to lead a nation in ruins. I was terrified.
-You were just a kid.
-That has nothing to do with it. I was inexperienced –just like you are- and that's why I was scared.
-Then how did you…
-I did what I knew was right. Just like you did when you first came to me, unarmed and defenseless. You did right by your people then, Clarke, and you will now too. They couldn't have a better leader than you. You can do this. Be strong.
-I don't know how to anymore.
-Then pretend until it becomes true. As long as people see you strong, Clarke, you'll have real strength, no matter how you really feel.
-And how do you really feel?
-What?
-How are you? It can't be easy to deal with all of this alone. I know you were far from all right when we found out about the second phase."
There was a short intake of breath and a silence before Lexa's answer.
"-I'm fine.
-Your lands and your people are under attack and dying by thousands and you're fine?
-Yes." Lexa's voice brutally rose on that word and Clarke could practically see her angry look. She really wasn't used to contradiction.
"-Don't shut me out, Lexa," she pleaded. "-Even in the best case scenario, this is the last time we'll talk in weeks. Please, just be honest with me. You said you weren't afraid of fight, but you didn't say anything about failure. Are you?"
She only heard Lexa's breathing for few seconds. It sounded better than it had been few hours ago, and she guessed that the swelling had diminished a little.
"-People die in wars, and I cannot save them all," Lexa finally answered. "-But become a silver-eyed is worse than death. They weren't human anymore. Nor animals. They were… nothing. Only Alie's will made flesh. This is –as the Wastelands- unnatural. Wrong. War doesn't scare me, but what she's doing got me afraid, yes. But… She is using my own people against me. Burning my lands. Forcing me to kill my villagers. That doesn't scare me, Clarke, it infuriates me. So she's the one who'd better be afraid now, machine or not."
Weirdly, it made Clarke smile. She didn't really know how she would have reacted it Lexa had admitted being afraid or uncertain.
"-Well, then, do what you have to, and when you come back, we'll teach fear to that machine together.
"-I'll be looking forward to this," She said, and even through the radio, Clarke was certain that the Commander had had a smile as well. "-Clarke…
-Yes?" She encouraged when the rest failed to come.
"-I'm really looking forward to meet again. I… I miss you."
The words burned in Clarke's heart. She squeezed the radio so hard that she felt it crack between her fingers.
"-I'm sorry," she heard Lexa say precipitately. "-I…
-No, don't be." She had asked for honesty merely a minute ago, after all. And if she was to apply that to herself… The feeling was mutual, wasn't it? What else had she been thinking about, during all those sleepless nights? How many times had she wished for Lexa to be there?
"-I miss you too. So come back, okay? Don't… Please, don't let this be the last time we…
-I will. We will meet again, Clarke." She added something in Triguedasleng, which Clarke welcomed with a sad smile.
"-I don't know what that means, Lexa.
-It doesn't matter. I'll translate it for you someday.
-Did you just say something I wouldn't like to hear?
-I rather hope that you would like to hear it. I must go, Clarke. We're breaking camp."
Even though she had been expecting it, it hurt Clarke like a physical blow.
"-Wait, wait!
-I didn't mean in the second. I wouldn't hang up on you with such little warning.
-Oh.
-Is there anything else we need to talk about? Anything you want to tell me?
-I…" She gulped. Well there was the real extent of her dreams, for once, and the grounder army behind the fence of the camp that was left Commanderless to deal with, and there was Bellamy, what she did with him and his reaction, and… And suddenly she was on the verge of tears, thinking that in minutes, she would have to let Lexa go once again. And she didn't want to any more than the first times. She tried again to answer, but choked on her words.
Lexa called her name, softly.
"-Be careful, all right?" She managed to say. "-Don't get killed or anything bad. Be safe. I… I just want you to come back. And if you don't, I swear I'll find your goddamn spirit wherever it is and make it understand that you don't break a promise!
-I don't intend to break that one. My spirit will stay right where it is. Be careful too, Clarke. We know more about Alie and her Overseas men now, but they may have weapons we still don't know about. Don't stay alone too much.
-Yeah. Don't worry about me, I'll still be safer than you.
-I'll see you on the second moon, then.
-At the door of the camp.
-Yes. Goodbye, Clarke.
-Goodbye, Lexa."
The clicking noise of the end of the transmission failed to come.
"-Lexa?" She asked, after few seconds.
"-I'll hang up," The Commander assured.
"-You didn't… I thought you would have already.
-Well, you didn't either.
-I didn't want to. I thought you'd be more determined.
-I didn't want to either.
-This might cause a problem, you know. At some point, one of us is gonna have to. More likely you. My radio has enough battery to stay on all day.
-I will hang up.
-In a near future?
-If you want me to hang up that badly…
-No…
-Me neither. We do have to, though.
-Yes, but… Will you do it? Please?
-As you wish. We will see each other soon, Clarke. Don't doubt it."
This time, after a second of silence, Clarke heard the transmission cut, and the radio went silent. She was still holding it, staring at nothing, when Raven came back to the room a dozen of minutes later.