"I am actually looking forward to work today." Asajj said. "You see, the Emperor declared today "Take Your Child to Work Day". A lot of people are bringing their kids…and I plan on getting to know them. Me and Piett and a couple…and with the number of times we do it, its only a matter of time before we pull a Jamie Lynn Spears."
&
"Bribery, nice." Piett said, observing the candy Asajj was laying out.
"Oh, I have more." Asajj said, pulling out a gun. "Threats of violence."
"That is a sure fire way to get a child to like you."
"Worked for my dad and I didn't end up screwed up…except I stripped through college and now I enjoy eating human hearts." She pulled one out of her lunch pail. "mmm…"
&
"Why have Take Your Child to Work Day? Because, to be honest, Vader wouldn't stop whining about it. I guess he is bringing his little boy Luke here to meet everyone…sounds cute. We have a ton of stuff ready to entertain him." The Emperor said. "Story time, arts and crafts…I hope he likes Barney."
&
"This is where I work." Vader said, showing Luke around.
"Not quite how I imagined." Luke said.
"How did you imagine it?" Vader questioned.
"Chains, whips, screams of agony."
"Its an office…not your mother's bedroom."
"What?" Luke questioned.
"So…this is your son." Piett said, leaning back in his chair.
"Ignore him." Vader said.
"I heard children end up retarded if their parents are related."
"I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY MOTHER!" Vader roared, Luke looking on in horror and Piett grinning with glee.
"So…Luke isn't your son then?"
"He is my son!"
"You just consider him your brother since he came out of your mother/lover's womb." Piett questioned.
&
"I don't have a child, but that's ok." Cody said. "I got the Kaminoians to let me borrow a young clone." He paused. "I don't think its creepy."
&
"Emperor, you remember my daughter, Xiza." Xizor said, pointing to the teen sitting next to him.
"Oh, hey!" The Emperor grinned. "So…you've gotten bigger since I saw you."
"Is that a crack about my weight? Ya, I gained 200 pounds…that isn't any reason to make fun of me!"
The Emperor paled. "I mean you got tall…"
"Don't talk your way out of this." Xiza said, snapping her fingers. "I am a large, powerful green woman, and I would break you in two, old man."
Xizor nodded. "That she would."
&
"Its not that I don't think kids are great…but why be a dad when you can be an evil master who tortures your apprentice?" The Emperor asked the cameraman. "I mean…unless you are like Bing Crosby."
&
"This is Guri." Vader said. "She is a robot."
Luke nodded. "Uh…hi."
"Hello offspring of Lord Vader. This is my offspring. I built her from spare parts." Guri held out her silver robotic baby. "Would you like to feed her a cookie?"
"Uh…"
"Don't feed it." Vader advised. "And don't get it wet."
"Isn't that the rules for not getting gremlins?" Luke asked.
"Works here too." Vader commented.
&
Cody looked at the young clone seated next to him. "Do you remember what to do if anyone other then Piett or Bob try to get you to go someplace?"
The boy pulled out a blaster that was larger then himself. "Die, evil person!"
"Good boy."
&
"Come along Luke." Vader said, leading him into the conference room. "My son would like to help you put up decorations."
Mara grinned. "Oh…I'm sure Luke can help me…fill some slots…cram some holes full…bang out some tasks…"
"That last one was also sexual." Creed commented, walking by.
&
"How is my favorite…crew…" Kurt said, stepping into the office, only to find everyone busy entertaining the children. "What the hell?"
"Its take your child to work day." Asajj said. "See…I brought candy."
"To bribe them like the witch in Hansel and Grendel."
"Uh…I don't think her name was Grendel."
Kurt shook his head. "It doesn't matter. We are at war with the Alliance…we are not a day care center." He pointed at the children. "We shouldn't have teens…or 5 year olds…or whatever this is." He gestured at the robo-baby.
CHOMP
"AAAAAA!" Kurt clasped his wrist, staring in horror as Guri's robo-baby chewed on his hand…which she had bitten off.
The Robo-Baby sheepishly held the hand out to Asajj.
"Uh…keep it."
&
Mara left the broom closet, adjusting her uniform. Four minutes later, a dazed Luke emerged, a grin on his face.
&
"Hello." Asajj said to the clone Cody had borught in. "What is your name?"
"I am Clone Number 2345918374."
"…I'm gonna call you Wiggles."
&
Luke slowly entered the Emperor's office, cautious of what he could find. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for this picture of kind…if strange…office to shatter and reveal the evil he knew as lurking underneath.
"Hello Emperor."
"Hello there." The Emperor said, a big grin plastered on his face. "What's your name?" He said, using a higher pitch and happy tone.
"Uh…Luke."
"Well, hi there Luke. I'm the Emperor…I work with daddy."
Luke frowned. "I…know you do."
"How old are you?" The Emperor asked happily.
Luke leaned back. "25."
"Wow, can you count that high?" The Emperor asked. "Let me help…one…two…three…four…"
&
"You know…there was this moisture farmer my Uncle Owen knew…he'd spent too much time in the sun and it fried his brain…I think that happened to the Emperor." Luke said.
&
While Luke dealt with the Emperor, Vader watched as Piett fed Guri's robo-baby a cookie. "I would not do that…she is very dangerous."
"No more dangerous than working next to a Sith Lord." Piett commented, burping the baby.
"She is dangerous."
"She's cute."
"She's a menace."
"She's not even 6 months old."
"She is evil."
"She has your lightsaber."
"She has my…what?" Vader looked down, horrified as the robo-baby cooed, activating the lightsaber and swinging it at him, cutting off Vader's left arm. "AAAARRRGGGG!"
The Robo-baby giggled and added the hand to her collection.
&
"There you go." Xiza said, attaching the robotic arm to Kurt's bloody stump. "Good as new."
"Thanks."
"So…you're the head of the empire, huh?" She asked, batting her eyelashes at him.
Kurt nodded. "Started off as a spy, now I'm in charge. Cool, huh."
"Very." She ran a very…very chunky finger along Kurt's back. "You know…some people tell me I have the form of a queen."
Kurt smirked. "Dairy Queen?"
&
"WHAT DID YOU THINK YO WERE DOING?" Xizor demanded, pushing Kurt back into a corner.
"I…I…"
Xizor glared at him. "THAT GIRL IS SWEET, KIND…SHE HAS SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE…"
Kurt couldn't help himself, the bloodloss preventing him from staying his tongue. "Well, over course she has twice as much love…there is twice as much her…"
Xizor pulled out a blaster. "It's going down like this…you will pick her up at 7…you will treat her like a queen…and if you break her heart…"
"You'll what…shoot me?" Kurt questioned.
"No…" Xizor pointed to where Piett was. "I'll sick the robo-baby on you."
"…dinner and a movie ok?"
&
"The letter D." Vader said, standing straight as Creed touched his feet and head to Vader's, sticking his but out.
Luke frowned. "I already know the alphabet."
"Me too." The young clone said.
"Shhh!" Vader commanded. "I want you all to pay attention."
"What are you doing?" The Emperor demanded.
Creed shrugged as he sat down as Vader's feet, sticking out his arms and legs to help Vader form the letter E. "Interpertive dance."
Piett and Asajj watched from the doorway as Creed and Vader stood. "How about a lower case h?" Piett asked.
"Ok." Vader said. "Creed, bend down, stick your ass here…"
"NO!" The Emperor screamed. "Don't do gay things infront of the children."
"What's gay?" The young clone asked.
Luke leaned over. "When two men…or a spacepilot and a wookie…love each other…"
"No no no!" The Emperor snapped. "Vader…did you teach little Luke what gay means?"
"Little?" Luke questioned.
"My master…"
"He is just a boy…how dare you fill his head with such things when he should be playing catch and dreaming of pop flies."
Luke raised his hand. "I'm old enough to drink."
The Emperor turned to Luke. "Luke, sweetheart, the grownups are talking." He turned back to Vader. "Go and take Creed with you." He looked at the kids. "Who likes the tellytubbies."
All of the kids frowned. Even the Robo-Baby stuck her tongue out in disgust.
&
"I have found that children are much more mature then I thought. I assumed that all they did was eat and poop…turns out they talk, joke, have feelings…I won't be surprised if they couldn't poop."
&
Luke glared at the Emperor. "No."
The Emperor held out the fork, a piece of pizza on it. "Come on…here comes the airplane." Luke glared from the highchair he was strapped to, refusing to open his mouth. Beside him, the young clone Cody had brought was doing pushups, Xiza and Kurt were eating (with Xizor pointing a gun to Kurt's head) and Guri's robo-baby was looking at Sly's hands, then to the set she had already collected.
"No." Luke snapped.
"Oooo, the dark side is strong with this one."
"Just eat the food, Luke." Obi Wan's ghost said.
"MMm, humor him, you must." Yoda's ghost added.
"I will not." Luke snapped.
"Who are you talking to?" Asajj asked.
"Obi Wan and Yoda."
Asajj nodded. "Oh." She looked down at an empty chair. "Hi…my name is Asajj…are you Luke's imaginary friends?"
Luke groaned.
&
"Yes…I know I am suppose to be helping Luke…" Obi Wan's ghost said. "But it is so much more fun screwing with him. Like how I never told him that Leia was his sister…when he kissed her, I nearly & myself!"
&
"I am not taking a nap." Luke said sourly.
"He's cranky." The Emperor cooed.
"I hate this place." Luke muttered.
Vader sighed. "Son…you must take naps sometimes. Even I, the Apprentice Emperor…"
"Apprentice to the Emperor." Luke corrected.
"…what?"
"Piett told me all about you…you know, now I understand why Uncle Owen said you were a pilot on a freighter…that's a lot better then being a whiny emo Jedi that bitched about the smallest thing and spent more time styling his hair then worrying about fighting to save the Republic."
"…PIETT!"
&
"So…this was a good day." Asajj said with a grin. "Vader was totally embarrassed…Piett pulled a prank on him using Luke. The Emperor was his usual stupid self…Kurt got it in the end…and I found I can be a good parent to a child."
Guri's robo-baby cooed from the floor, where she was happily playing a blaster.
"No!" Asajj shouted, pointing the blaster away from the baby's head. "Fire away from you…away…"
BANG!
"OW!" Sly Moore shouted.
"Good girl." Asajj grinned.
&
Kurt slowly lowered himself to one knee. "Xiza…I've done a lot of thinking…and though we hardly know each other…" He whimpered as Xizor pressed the blaster closer to his head. "I would be honored…if you married me?"
Xiza squealed and pressed Kurt to her chest. "Oh, yes yes yes…"
"Smotheirng…in sea…of fat…" Kurt gasped.
&
The Emperor sighed. "Piett…do you know why I called you here?"
"No, Emperor." Piett answered.
"Seeing Luke and Vader…it makes me want to have a baby…"
Piett's eyes widened. "You do know I am a man…and can't get pregnant…right?"
"I know, I know…You see, Piett…I've been with a lot of women."
"Really?" Piett questioned. "Because from what I've heard, you are more into Boba Fett…"
The Emperor paled. "Forget that…the point is…I've decided that I want to get in touch with all the children my baby mama's have had."
"That's…very honorable, sir."
"I thought so." The Emperor said. "now…your mother when to Naboo State, right?"
"Uh…yea…" Piett said slowly.
The Emperor grinned.
"No." Piett stammered. "No…That's not true…that's impossible."
"Search your feelings, you know it is true."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
&
Mara looked up from where her and Luke were having sex, frowning. "What was that?"
"Standard 'My father is evil' scream." Luke said. "I helped patent it."