Thanks for the continued support. One quick note, while I love Dr. Burke, he's not involved with this story.

Evidently, today is BOGO on fanfic chapters. Two for the price of one!

"Do you want to tell me about last night? About what happened at dinner?" Susan Porter asked calmly. The therapist received a panicked call from Castle the night before, urging her to come as soon as possible. The author offered to cover all her expenses, including fees for the entire day if the woman would make a trip from the city. It wasn't necessary. Susan Porter was a therapist who invested in all of her client's well-being, current and former.

She sat across from Beckett, both women enjoying the breeze from the back deck of Castle's home. It was an overcast day, which meant that Kate could spend more time outside. She relished in the sensation of the cool breeze on her face, one of her few solaces as of late. It was abnormally cool for late June, hitting only the mid 60s. Beckett thought it was perfection.

"I'm not really sure what to say." Kate volunteered. She'd spoken very little to Castle about her outburst the night before, unable to find words. An apology seemed pointless, meaningless, and Beckett grew more erratic; her moods shifting from anxious to despondent. When will this stop? She wondered to herself. Kate just wanted to feel normal, to feel in control again. When Rick told her that he'd called Dr. Porter and that she would be visiting the next day Kate simply nodded. She could see that he was relieved that she didn't fight him on it. There wasn't a point really and she knew that. She was losing grip.

How can I move on if I can't control myself? She wondered. Each day she seemed to hate herself, resent her shortcomings a little more. She toyed with the rings on her necklace, alternating between her mother's ring and her engagement ring absent-mindedly while her therapist waited in silence.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Kate offered finally.

"I don't imagine that's completely true." The doctor responded kindly but firmly.

Kate's head shot up, staring at the doctor for the first time that morning. They seemed to communicate silently for a few moments before the detective lowered her head again. She relinquished her role in whatever silent power struggle seemed to be emerging between Susan and herself and accepted the doctor's words as truth. She did know what was happening, at least partially.

"You've been through this before, haven't you?" Susan pressed.

"Not like this. Never like this. Besides, I wasn't shot this time. So why would sudden movements and noises put me on edge? Especially from people I know and trust?" Kate spoke with a slight tremble in her voice.

"Tell me about the therapist you've been seeing." The doctor asked, bypassing her question for the moment.

Kate shifted her eyes away from the doctor, focusing instead on the ocean behind her. The truth was she hadn't been seeing the therapist. Sure she'd visited once after settling in at the Hamptons house- promising to call if she needed anything instead of scheduling future appointments. At that time she was feeling optimistic, empowered by how quickly she was physically recovering and elated by the fact that she was out of the hospital.

"I thought I could do it on my own." Kate admitted. Great job you've done with that. She berated herself.

Doctor Porter didn't react. She did not become angry and showed no frustration.

"You thought that because you've dealt with PTSD in the past, you could manage it again." The doctor offered. Kate simply nodded, giving a look of shame and defeat.

"I can understand how you might think that. It is ok, Kate. But Post Traumatic Stress Disorder takes on many forms. Your reaction differs now because your trauma was different. As far as why you're so easily startled, the spacing out Castle's observed… It's common after sensory deprivation. You were in that room for a long time." Susan offered. Kate took little solace in her words.

"It's important to remember two things, Kate. First, PTSD thrives when we are unable or unwilling to face the trauma we've encountered." Susan allowed for Kate to comment, but continued when the detective said nothing, "and second, it's nearly impossible to manage without the support of loved ones."

"I can't do this… I don't know how…" Kate stumbled for words to describe how she was feeling, "I hate that I can't control it." She finally admitted. "I don't even know where to start. I try not to think about it. I do my best to distract myself, but it only makes it worse… Now I'm hurting the ones I love most."

"I'm glad you can see that." Susan offered.

"Last time…after the shooting… I locked myself away so that others wouldn't see me, so that they wouldn't know how bad things had gotten. I couldn't let them see what that bullet had done to me." Dr. Porter knew Kate was referring both her physical and her emotional state after the shooting. She also wasn't surprised that Kate had withdrawn. It was clear that the detective was not comfortable showing vulnerability to anyone, including herself.

"You are accustomed to being strong and in control. It's part of your job and part of who you are, Kate..." Susan paused for a moment before adding, "but strength isn't all that you are. You're allowed to be vulnerable too, it's part of what makes you human."

Silence filled the space between them, and Kate fixated once again on her rings as she processed Susan's words.

"How do I come back from this? How do I even start?" Kate whispered. She now sat straight up in her chair, moving to cradle herself with her arms. "How can I overcome this hurdle if I can't control it?" The distress was clear in her voice, but her defensiveness was gone. Now we're getting somewhere, Dr. Porter thought to herself.

"You start exactly where you are, Kate. You start by admitting that you can't control it, because you can't. You've got to accept that, allow yourself to experience things and allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of others. Blocking out these memories, refusing to deal with what you've been through... You're only making it worse for yourself." Kate knew Susan was right. She'd learned that lesson the hard way last time.

" I can't talk to him about it." She admitted. "I want to, but I can't. I should be able to tell him everything, but I can't share this." The doctor simply nodded in understanding.

"It is common to want to protect the ones we love the most, especially when when we have to share might make them feel pain." Susan offered before making a suggestion.

"The important thing, Kate, is that you tell someone. It doesn't have to be him, not right away. How about you try seeing a local therapist again, here in the Hamptons? Sometimes it helps to talk to an uninvolved party, someone who can handle the gory details." Susan suggested. She then continued.

"I've found that with many people, it helps to talk to a therapist in the beginning, and to journal. Write down all the things you want to tell Castle, but can't. It's completely normal to want to keep things from him… to feel that you need to protect him. You love him." Kate considered the doctors words, starting to feel a little less anxious.

"In time you're likely to find that opening up to him will become easier." The therapist finished speaking. She tilted her head slightly, prompting Kate to make eye contact with her once again. It was clear that the detective had something else on her mind, something weighing heavily on her. She simply waited, giving Kate time to find her words.

"I can't look at myself." She finally whispered.

"What do you mean?" Susan pressed, waiting in silence.

With a hopeless expression Kate finally replied. "When I undress... I can't look at myself. I certainly can't let Castle look at me. I've been pushing him away. He doesn't understand and I don't know how to make him. Hell, I don't understand." Kate's words were filled with shame.

"What are you afraid of, Kate?" She shot directly into the heart of the matter.

" I don't know." Kate replied, "That he'll see me and know."

"Know what?"

"He'll see how weak I am. How damaged… That I'm not the person he proposed to anymore...That he'll know everything." She was silent for a moment before she finally admitted. "That I gave up."

It was one of the few things Kate had described concerning her abduction, and it was the first time she verbalized it to anyone. "I don't remember much, but I clearly recall that I wanted to die. He'll know I gave up on him." She inhaled deeply, surprised by all she'd admitted.

"Kate, what you experienced was nothing short of torture. You'd be surprised by how normal it is to wish for death in such extreme situations. It's less about wanting to die and more about wanting to escape. Have you considered that?" Susan pressed.

Kate took the words in, she hadn't considered it. She couldn't see past the weakness she associated with giving up. Still, the fact remained. "He'll know I'm broken now." Kate finally whispered, swallowing back tears that were dangerously close to falling.

"Kate, you're not broken. There is a difference between broken and healing. You're healing." Beckett knew she'd heard that before, from Doctor Burke. The significance of the words had been lost on her then. Kate had been too distracted, distressed by the prospect that Castle had moved on to consider what Burke was trying to tell her. She'd been unwilling to allow herself the leeway of what it meant to truly heal.

"It's natural that you're afraid he'll see the vulnerability you've been trying to hide. You're afraid he'll know that you're not ok right now." Susan filled in the blanks. Kate nodded, staring back down at the engagement ring dangling from her neck. The doctor tried a new angle.

"Kate. Don't you think he already knows that you're not ok? Wasn't he around last time you experienced PTSD?" Susan pressed.

Of course he knows. The thought crossed Kate's mind. Afterall, he was the one to call the doctor in today. He was there as she zoned out, loosing track of time and space again and again, as she pulled away from him, became withdrawn around her loved ones. Castle saw how she startled at the slightest noises and movements. He'd seen her lose control last night. Hell, everyone saw. Kate reminded herself solemnly.

"Kate." Dr. Porter spoke after some time. "What would happen if you looked at yourself?"

"What?" Beckett didn't understand the question. It seemed to be off topic.

"You said you can't look at yourself without your clothes on. What do you think would happen if you did?"

Kate was silent. She felt anxious just thinking about it.

"What is it that you'll see?" Susan pressed the issue.

"I don't know." She stated bluntly.

"Really?" The therapist didn't buy her evasive tactics.

"I think you do know, or at least I think you have some idea."

"Oh, and what might that be?" Kate challenged her.

"I think you'll have to come face-to-face with what happened to you. I think that in seeing how your body has changed, you'll have to acknowledge all of those things that occurred to bring about those changes." She saw Kate absorb the words, staring a hole into the ground instead of responding.

"I think that when you do that, Kate. When you allow yourself to look, when you stop avoiding it, you can start to heal." Susan offered.

"I don't know how." Kate stated again, back to where she'd started. "And what about Castle? What will it mean for him if I can't take it?" Admitting such fear was incredibly difficult for the detective and Susan knew it. She was impressed. Deciding on the best strategy, the doctor spoke.

"Do you trust your fiancé?" Susan asked. The question surprised Kate. She looked slightly taken aback.

"Of course I trust him." She was forceful with her words at first, eventually softening as another thought crossed her mind. "I just don't know how to let him in anymore. It doesn't make sense to me. I trust him with my life. It's me I can't trust anymore."

"Maybe that's where you start." Kate stared blankly at Susan Porter, not processing her words.

"Start where?" She asked.

"You start by letting him in. It takes a leap of faith, to trust that he'll be able to handle seeing you that vulnerable…that he can help you if you do lose control. Perhaps it's time to trust that he won't run, to trust that he can take what you throw at him, Kate." The therapist suggested. When she got no response she continued.

" I think that maybe you have grown so accustomed to being the strong one in the relationship that you underestimate him." Beckett considered the words.

"Perhaps he can handle everything, including if you lose control. I also think that maybe he can help you come to a place where you can handle it too. Why not try letting him in, Kate?"

Beckett still didn't respond. She seemed to be lost in her own thoughts.

"You know, I think that's enough for today. Why don't you spend some time thinking about how you can work to let Castle in a little bit more." Kate nodded then, still with a slightly lost look on her face.

Dr. Porter ended their meeting with a final thought.

"Small steps, Kate. Remember- you move this mountain one rock at a time."

Beckett sighed, remaining on the back deck. She considered Susan's words. Processed them and allowed herself to truly view herself in a new light. Confusion and frustration still lingered, but Kate had to admit that she felt better. Verbalizing her fears seemed to give them just a little less hold.

Recognizing the PTSD for what it was empowering. I've beat this before. I can do it again. She was comforted momentarily, but soon countered herself. But last time I did it alone. She knew that wasn't an option this time. Shutting out her fiancé wasn't a choice, and she didn't want it to be an option. Kate wanted him to walk with her through this. Yet, at the same time she wanted to spare him the pain she might cause by dragging him down with her.

He's already here, experiencing it. Kate reminded herself.

She remained seated on the back deck for hours, watching the tide and willing the cool breeze to take her thoughts of confusion and fear out to sea.