I own nothing! I am sorry to those of you that I accidentally fibbed to, I really thought this was going to be a happier chapter and it just didn't turn out very happy at all :/ But at least it's not so angst ridden! Thank you so much for your support, your reviews, favorites, follows and just checking out my stories blows me away, you guys are so awesome! Warnings: Adult Language, Mental Health Issues, I think that's it. Enjoy!
I wake up sore and on the floor, literally. I don't know what they put in those cocktails but it feels like getting your ass kicked in a needle. Thinking of being sedated makes me think of why, and any motivation I may have had to pull my ass off the floor is gone. It wasn't just a nightmare then, Phoenix is dead, I'm not sure how long I lay there on the floor and cry, the flashlight shines in my face time after time, it feels like hours, but so does everything in this hell hole. I can remember Pacer saying there were complications but not much else. Maybe he'll come back today, I hold on to that tiny shred of hope.
After awhile I start to hear voices inching toward my doorway, they get more heated the closer they get.
"You have no jurisdiction here, this is my facility! Besides, he's a danger, we had to sedate him again just yesterday!"
"I think considering the circumstances we can overlook whatever happened yesterday, and he's my patient! I should've been notified the moment he was hospitalized! You'll either release him to my custody or I can send an MP back for the both of you." That effectively ends the conversation, I sit up and lean against my bed in time to see Dr. Aurelius, a uniformed soldier & Dr. Coin enter my sleeping area.
"That will be all Dr. Coin, send any paperwork you need taken care of straight to my office." He tells her, voice dripping with disdain, before turning to face me full on "Peeta, you look like hell."
He is a sight for sore eyes, "Hey Doc, still as observant as ever." He 'hmms' in agreement before gesturing around the room.
"Get your things, let's go." I'm on my feet and around my area in seconds. I turn to him when I've got my few changes of clothes together.
"So where exactly are we going? Home or a military facility?"
"Right now, we're going to my office to talk and I'm gonna' take a look through this file she's got on you. Not sure how you ended up here but you should've called immediately, I know your case better than anyone."
"I couldn't, only collect calls and I didn't have your number."
"Memorize it, tattoo it on your hand, make sure I'm called next time. Now, let's go."
Pacer is leaning against his car as we walk into the parking lot, when he sees us he wraps me in a large hug, it's just like when I first got home. Dr. Aurelius tells us to follow him to his office as he and the soldier accompanying him load into his car.
Pacer tells me what he knows on the ride over, there was an infection they didn't catch beforehand, and when they opened him up the infection just went crazy, they resuscitated him 4 times before he died. Official cause of death was sepsis, a blood infection. Mother gained nothing from it, considering the infection they couldn't go forward with the transplant, I'm not sure how that makes me feel, happy that she wasn't able to use him for a body farm or sad because he died for nothing.
He goes on to tell me Dad is so grief stricken he hasn't spoken a word since it happened, Pacer has been taking care of take the final arrangements. He doesn't mention how Mother is handling it, I'm not sure if it's because he doesn't want to bring her up around me or if he doesn't know.
It takes less than an hour to get to Dr. Aurelius practice, Pacer waits in the waiting room while I follow Dr. Aurelius to his office. We spend the next hour and a half going over what happened to get me landed in the psych hospital, he doesn't ask for details of the conversation that got me wound up but he does encourage me to think about talking with him about it so he can better treat me. We go over the medication changes the hospital made, he explains why most aren't suitable to someone in my condition, I readily agree. I am more than ready to shed this zombie like persona I've developed over the past weeks. He makes me another appointment for 1 weeks time and says we should probably stick to weekly meetings until the medication is fully adjusted at least.
"I only medicate things we're unable to properly treat," he tells me, "I cannot treat your nightmares, which is why I prescribed the suppressant. Your anger however, is understandable, but treatable. We all lose our tempers from time to time, it's human to get pissed off sometimes, we've just got to find a better way to channel your anger. Exercise is a great starting point, the next time you feel an overwhelming urge to break something or hurt someone, I want you to do 100 sit ups. If you still want to break things when you're done, go for a run. Of course you can do any exercise your comfortable with, let's just see if we can channel the negative anger into positive health. Don't over exert your leg though, that won't do you any good, if you think we need to try something else you call me, anytime, day or night. I'm invested in you Peeta, I can see the goodness radiating from you, we will get you back in control of your life if it's the last thing I do." His confidence in me cause a flicker of hope to manifest in my chest, at least I know someone believes in me, even if I don't believe in myself.
"Well, I'm sure we could sit here for hours and hash out just the last few days, but it's my professional opinion that you need to go home and get some rest and allow yourself to grieve. I'm going to go through this file some more this week and I'll see you," He trails off looking at his desk calendar, "Wednesday at 11. That work for you?" I nod and shake his hand before making my way out to Pacer.
"I don't suppose you know whether or not I've still got a place to stay, do you?" His brows furrow.
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Not sure how Finnick feels about a psychopath living in his house."
"You're not a psychopath Peeta, you just got dealt a shitty hand, it happens."
"No, I'm a diagnosed psychopath. Literally. Coin diagnosed me the 2nd time I saw her."
"Coins a fucking quack. Even Aurelius said so. You know she gets a check for every inpatient she has, we have the most corrupt mental facility in the country. I googled it."
"Yeah, well google does a good job of telling you what you want to hear."
"Regardless, Finnick has been one of your main supporters Peet, I doubt he's going to toss you out on your ass, he didn't mention it when I was there the day after Phoe... the last time I came to see you."
"Why were you there?"
"After I saw the shit the hospital pulled I went to him for help, I tried to go to Dad but he was unresponsive, just stared straight through me." I take a good look at my brother, he seems so much more aged than he did before everything. There are bags under his puffy eyes, wrinkles forming on his forehead, and just a defeated disposition. I wonder sadly if the Mellark line will burn out with our generation, how can anyone survive the hell our lives are and come out functional enough to even consider having a family. I know I'm not, when I was younger I had wanted a family, a few tow headed kids running around, just so I could give them the life I never had.
The rest of the ride is spent in silence, I'm not sure if there are a lack of words or too many, not even the radio is on, I suppose neither of us has the energy to bother. My car still sits in the driveway of Finns house, right where I left it. That's a good sign, at least he didn't have it towed off, if nothing else I can park at the lake and sleep in my car until I find somewhere. Pacer gets out but makes no move toward the house.
"Comin' in?"
"Not this time, I'm sure they've seen more than enough of me lately."
"Oh, well did you want to go somewhere else for awhile then? I'm sure they're in no hurry for my crazy ass to be back."
"No, I still have a bunch of stuff to take care of. I'm calling you tonight though and you better fucking answer, understand me?" I nod before realization sets in.
"Fuck, no, I wasn't able to pay my phone bill this month."
"Jeez Peet, ever heard of auto debit?" The corner of his lips pull into the smallest smile I've ever seen from my brother, too much weight on his shoulders.
"I'll pay it and call you tonight, I might have a new number if it's been too long. Thank you Pacer. For everything. If you need help with any of th-"
"No, I got it. You take care of you, I need my baby brother healthy more than I need help with phone calls. I can't lose you too Peet." A tear slips down his cheek before he wraps an arm around my head and the other around my back like we were small children again. I can't help the sob that escapes, nor the tears.
"I love you brother, you call me, promise."
"I promise, I love you too, you're all I got left you know."
"You're all I have too." He pats my back a few times before releasing me and we both wipe our faces, then in true man fashion he punches me in the shoulder before jumping in his car. The moment of normal brotherhood and not all this fucked up shit and tears brings what feels like could almost be a smile to my face. I watch him drive away and let out a heavy breath. Katniss' house catches my eye, with everything in the world falling on top of me I haven't given much thought to her reaction to me now. If she was hesitant to let me see Heidi before there is no way she'd let me near her now, which means I can't be around Katniss either. I'm momentarily glad for the numbing effect of the zombie pills, that's another hurt I don't have the energy to nurse. Her car isn't home so at least she hasn't seen me in this deranged lunatic state that I hardly recognized in the mirror. I make my way to the door and reach out to take the knob but it flies open before I can get my hand on it. I jerk back like I've been burnt, the quick movement making me panic for a second. Before the panic can root in me though Johanna is in my arms, legs wrapped around my waist and I'm falling backwards.
"Oof! Hey Jo." She gets off me and sticks out her hand for me to take, it surprises me how easily she can help me up.
"Dammit Mellark, next time you decide to take a vacation make sure the reservations aren't at the fucking psych unit, would ya? This place has been un-fucking-bearable with all the long faces missing you."
"Umm, okay?" She looks at me intensely, like she's trying to figure out a algebraic equation.
"You look like shit Peet. What the hell did they do to you?"
"Uh, pills, needles, more pills." I tell her with a shrug as we start to walk in the house.
"Where's Finn?"
"Where else would he be? Stuck up Annie's ass, trying to get another shot."
"Oh. So, uh, do you happen to know if he's going to, uh, ya know, give me the boot?"
"What the fuck would he do that for?"
"I'm crazy." She just laughs.
"Join the club." I just look at her, she cocks her head to the side studying me.
"They really did a number on you didn't they?" I shrug because I don't really know what she expects me to say to that. "Everyone is crazy Peeta, some of us just wear it better than others. Finnick loves you like a brother, you aren't going anywhere, understand?"
"Not really, but thanks anyway."
"We'll talk more when you're a little less stoned, now go take a shower, you smell like hospital."
I go to my room and pay my phone bill before giving Pacer a quick call letting him know it's back on and the same number, as I pass Katniss' number in my contacts I contemplate giving her a call too but decide against it. I already know talking to her is going to bring more crushing news that my fragmented mind can't handle right now so I just plug it in and go to the restroom.
I strip of all my clothes and really look myself over in the mirror, I'd just gotten a glance in the restroom of Dr. Aurelius' office. There were no mirrors at the hospital. The first thing I notice is my hair, it needs to be cut severely, sticking up in all different directions, oily and thin looking. Nothing like the thick curls it used be. Next thing is the beard and mustache, it's weird, I grew a goatee once and couldn't handle the way it itched, this scruff has felt like fucking facial lice. It's apparent I've lost a lot of weight, 25 maybe 35 pounds, the medication they had me on made food sound like poison so I wasn't eating much of the awful tasting food. I look sickly. And old. I feel old.
"Well, it's not going to fix itself." I momentarily wonder when I started talking out loud to myself, fuck it, everyone already knows I'm crazy.
I grab the hair clippers, not trusting my shaking hands with a razor and cut the scruff on my face down to a manageable 2 day shadow, I consider cutting my hair but I'm not great at it on a good day so if I try now I'll end up with my military cut again so I leave it. I take a ridiculously long shower, enjoying the solitude, nobody watching to make sure I don't make a shank out of my soap. I wonder if this is how ex cons feel when they get out of prison. I wash my hair 3 times and try my best to scrub the weeks away.
When I get out and dry I wrap the towel around my waist and go to my room, removing my prosthetic before crawling in my comfy bed and falling into a deep sleep. I don't dream, a small reprieve but enough for me.
And when I wake up hours later the room is much darker and she's there, curled into my side, head on my chest. I wonder for a few minutes if it's just a hallucination, my mind trying to project a little positive into this dark world I'm sinking in, then she speaks.
"I know you're awake."
"At least one of us does." She looks at me and it's obvious she had been crying, she tries to hide her face but I watch as a tear streaks down her cheek, landing on my chest. I revel in the fact that it's a part of her I get to keep forever now that it's absorbed into my body. Then I feel like a fucking weirdo for thinking it.
"What did they do to you Peeta?"
"I dunno."
"Well, it's over now. I missed you."
"I missed you too. I didn't think you'd want to see me anymore."
"Well that's what you get for thinking." She tells me, looking up with a sad smile on her face. "I'm so sorry about Phoenix." I just nod as I feel the tears pool in my eyes, burning with their desire to flow.
"I, uh, I can't talk about that right now." I tell her voice cracking. She nods laying her head back on my chest.
"Sleep Peeta. I'll be here when you wake up."
"What about Heidi?"
"Johanna has her hooked on a Disney marathon in the living room. She's excited to see you too, but you need rest first, 'kay?"
"Okay." It's quiet for a few minutes.
"Katniss?"
"Yeah?"
"Thank you. For not giving up on me." I whisper to her.
"I don't think I could ever give up on you Peeta."