Two weeks later, Saturday afternoon after Thanksgiving.
Patrick smiled in contentment, his head laying heavily on Kevin's chest. He shifted his body, moving into his comfort spot, half draped on Kevin, their legs tangled together, one hands lazily stroking Kevin's biceps. This was nice. He could easily just doze off...
'Would you pleeeaaase untie me.' Kevin asked for the fourth time.
'Why are you in such a hurry? You kept me tied for hours.' Patrick yawned sleepily, dropping a loving kiss on his poor boyfriend's chest. How nice to have all the power.
Kevin sighed. And then slipped one hand out of the ties Patrick had put on him a couple of hours earlier.
'Hey!' Patrick protested as he reared up to watch Kevin untying his other hand. What. The. Fuck.
His arms finally free, Kevin tried to pull Patrick back down on his chest but Patrick resisted.
'Could you do that the whole time?' Patrick asked incredulously. He was such a shit...
Kevin smiled sheepishly.
'I felt it get loose about halfway through.' He admitted, and gave Patrick what he had to assume was supposed to be a cute smile, but it wasn't cute. Because Kevin was a douche.
'YOU showed me the knots to use. If it came loose it's because you sabotaged me. And why the hell didn't you tell me?' Ugh. Could he sound more shrill? But really, couldn't Kevin let him have this small piece of time where he was in control. So damn typical of Kevin and his alpha-maleness...
'I was rather busy trying not to come.' Kevin tried to placate him again. 'I didn't sabotage you I promise. I think it's cos you used cheap polyester ties rather than the silk. I told you to use mine, didn't I?' Kevin stroked Patrick's arms as he looked at him with big puppy dog eyes.
Patrick sighed and collapsed back on Kevin's chest, gratified to hear Kevin grunt as he landed on him heavily. Good. Manipulative bastard.
'It kind of changes things knowing you could get loose. I thought you were at my mercy.' Patrick grumbled. Though, the sheer will power of not breaking loose when you knew you could, that took a special kind of concentration and determination. He must have really not wanted Patrick to stop. Patrick felt a little smug.
'I was. Totally. You were amazing.' Kevin murmured, running a hand through Patrick's hair. Patrick rolled his eyes. All right. That was laying it on a bit thick.
'Stupid knots. I'm checking on the internet as soon as I get up by the way. Because I find it very suspicious that you would know the exact knot to use, that I couldn't get out of no way no how last night, and yet magically today...' Patrick wanted Kevin to know that he wasn't totally free from suspicion yet.
'But it just goes to show how superb you were, that I didn't even think of getting loose even though I knew I could, doesn't it?' Kevin interrupted, echoing Patrick's own thoughts. Annoyingly. Could he read Patrick's mind? He seemed to do so quite a lot. Which was mostly nice, but sometimes, fucking irritating.
'Right. Sure.' Patrick humphed. And then he had another thought. 'Why are you being so nice to me? I'm worried.' Patrick reared his head back to look at Kevin through squinted eyes.
'I'm happy, that's why. And I'm always nice to you. When haven't I been nice to you?' Kevin asked, feigning confusion.
'Let's not go there shall we?' Patrick raised his eyebrows.
'I think you have me mistaken for someone else. Maybe Agustin? Or even Owen? They're the ones that always make fun of you. Or Eddie? Definitely Doris. Just because I'm polite and laugh along...I'm just trying to get on with your friends.' Kevin shrugged innocently.
'You're so annoying.' Patrick put his head down again and snuggled in closer. It looked like Patrick needed to get new friends. Though...they really were pretty amazing. Even if Owen was being a bit strange these days. Hopefully that was temporary and they could get back to their easy-going banter and riffing. If not, work was going to be a very different place to be at. Jesus, he really should probably work a bit more on mending that relationship, but...how?
'Seriously though...this was fucking hot, right? You did enjoy it didn't you? You certainly seemed to get off on having me all tied up.' Kevin asked quietly.
Really? He needed to be told? He couldn't tell from Patrick's explosive orgasm that Patrick had been out of his mind with pleasure? Which red-blooded homosexual with full unfettered, unobstructed access to all the glory of Kevin Matheson's muscled, smooth body, spread out wide and helpless, to be used in any way you wanted wouldn't have the time of their fucking life?
Yeah. It had been fucking hot. And Patrick had totally enjoyed it and got off on it. But...truth be told, it had been hotter the night before, when Kevin had been in control. Pulling against the restraints and not being able to get free had set something off in Patrick's mind that just helped him fully let go. Every sensation, each tiny bite, each long lick, Kevin's mouth sucking his cock, Kevin's fingers inside him, Kevin's tongue in his mouth, Kevin's cock fucking him...every sense seemed to be on high alert and everything was magnified. He wanted to pull Kevin close to him, but not being able to made him treasure each touch Kevin gave him even more. Did Kevin feel like that too?
He'd certainly looked like a fucking gladiator today, all straining muscles, tensed as he reached up with his neck to grab Patrick's mouth. He hadn't looked weak at all. He'd looked so strong, even as he'd looked desperate and needy. So fucking hot...
'Hmmmhmmm.' Patrick eventually answered. 'But...I think I liked it more when I was tied up.' He admitted. 'Does that make me...' Patrick paused, searching for the right word.
'Gay?' Kevin offered helpfully.
Oh god. Had he forgotten for a moment that Kevin Matheson was actually a douche?
'Yes Kevin. Does the fact that I enjoyed a man tying me up and fucking me in the ass make me gay. That's exactly the word I was looking for. Because I wasn't totally sure about that.' Patrick drawled. Why he spent any of his time thinking nice thoughts about this man was totally beyond him.
'Well it was going to be a stupid question whatever word you used. It doesn't make you anything. It just means you had fun doing something. We're not doing a whole master and slave thing. We were just playing. And even if we were into the whole dom scene, who gives a fuck?' Kevin laughed.
'God. Now you sound like Agustin. All sex positive and militant.' Patrick sighed. How lovely life would be if it was that simple. Was it that simple for some people? He was getting much better at not caring so much what other people thought, and being versatile was soooooo much better than insisting on being a top, but still...just the thought of naturally being more of a sub than a dom really bothered him. Agustin would call it internalized misogyny or homophobia, Patrick thought glumly. He wasn't a very good gay.
'Yeah well, I'm not at his level yet. I'm not quite ready to put you on a leash and muzzle and parade you around at Folsom, but, his whole sex positive thing is pretty good if you ask me. If something feels good and it doesn't hurt anyone else, why not enjoy it? Why do you have to label it, and question it, and worry about it's deeper meaning?' Kevin said.
Well, duh.
'Uhm. Are you asking in general, or are you asking me, Patrick Murray, your boyfriend, because the question I would have for you then is, have you MET me?'
Kevin laughed and rolled Patrick over so that he found himself under Kevin, his arms stretched out and pinned down to the bed as Kevin loomed over him, grinning broadly.
'I have met you. And I know you. Very well. Which is why I'm not going to let you think about what it means that you liked me tying you up and fucking you while you were helpless to do anything but take it the way I wanted to give it. And why you also liked tying ME up, and having my body at your disposal. There's nothing to think about. It's hot. It's fucking hot. Having someone as your own personal pleasure toy to do exactly what you want with. What's not to love?'
'Pleasure toy? Oooooh. When you put it like that, it does sound delicious' Patrick agreed. 'But... aren't I always your own pleasure toy? Don't I always do what you want me to?' Patrick worried again. Was he just a pushover? Maybe his problem really was he didn't know how to set boundaries, just as Agustin had recently been scolding him. Yet again, if you were boyfriends did you need boundaries? And he always loved whatever Kevin did to him. Was he supposed to set random limits to what was allowed just to prove a point? And what point was he trying to prove? That he was still in control of...his own body? Of course he was. Didn't being in a relationship mean that you didn't have to worry about stuff like this anymore? Fuck. This relationship stuff wasn't always so clear to him.
Kevin sighed deeply.
'What did I say about not thinking about it? It's not complicated. It's a game, and it's hot. It's not about domination or who's the boss or who gets control. We're equals, and I always do what you want me to as well, don't I? Stop. Thinking.' Kevin said softly, and he leaned down to kiss Patrick. Very gently, very sweetly. One of those 'I'm your guy and I'm so happy about it' kisses.
Kevin was right. Kevin never said no to Patrick, and more often than not sat back while Patrick make decisions and choices and set the tone and the pace or their day, and outside of work, they totally were equals. Even at work, Kevin wasn't the type of boss that threw his weight around, making arbitrary decisions, insisting his employees toe some imaginary line he set. He was fair, and inclusionary and a total team player. This really was a non-issue. So...what was the real problem? What did this weird concern about his role really mean?
Shit. Kevin was looking at him suspiciously. He could tell that Patrick was still 'thinking'. Patrick shook his hands free from Kevin's grip and pulled Kevin down onto him, wrapping his arms around Kevin's shoulders, kissing the top of his head, as the soft, bristly hair of his almost-buzz cut tickled Patrick's face. Poor guy. Life was definitely a lot calmer now that everything was out in the open, and GaymerX was over, and Kevin seemed to relish spending quiet evenings doing nothing with Patrick and basking in the peace they could finally ease into. But he still had to deal with Patrick's little 'moods'. And now there was this whole new thing about him finding an apartment. Just when things were so...settled.
Though that was all Kevin's fault. Patrick hadn't told him once that he needed to move out, or he needed to find his own place. Kevin had just announced one day that he'd got back in touch with the realtor that had found him his first place, and he was going to start looking.
Just like that.
He'd made a decision, and the wheels were set in motion. As always. Kevin the decider. The big shaker-up-of-things. Like a fucking hurricane ripping through Patrick's life. Always leaving him wondering what had happened, how had he got to this place in his life...
Huh. Agustin would probably be rolling his eyes at how long it took Patrick to connect the dots. He always held that 'artist's soul' over Patrick, as if he was some wise Jedi and Patrick just a dumb disciple. Though obviously Agustin wouldn't use that analogy and would suggest that the very fact Patrick looked to Star Wars as his point of reference when it came to relationships was at the root of his problem. He would probably be right too.
Patrick was anxious about the fact that Kevin had decided to look for a place to live, and he felt powerless to do anything about it. And...was Kevin ever going to talk about how he saw it all working? If you were in a relationship, did you make such important decisions unilaterally?
Well, at least today he'd told Patrick that he should email his broker with Patrick's own list of what he considered requirements, and there was also the fact that Kevin had so far taken him on every house viewing and pretty much deferred to his opinion, so...it wasn't like he was completely excluded. It was just that...it felt like they were moving backwards. Of course Patrick knew the current arrangement was temporary. He had a roommate for god's sake. But, even though Kevin still mostly lived out of suitcases since both their clothes couldn't fit into Patrick's tiny closets, and even though he had all of his stuff still in storage so nothing of his own was at Patrick's, it had still felt like they were really building something solid together in his apartment. And now it seemed as if every day all Kevin was focused on was finding his own place. As if he was suddenly desperate for his own space. How many months had to go by after you told someone you loved them before you even just... started talking about moving in together?
Agustin and Frank had been together for years before they did, and that had been a fucking disaster. But Jason and his now-husband had known each other only four months before they got engaged. Surely it was quality and not quantity that counted. So, didn't Kevin think that the quality was high enough?
Shit. Patrick wished he'd asked him how long he'd dated Jon before they moved in together. He couldn't now because...it would be too obvious. He couldn't start the discussion. It had to be Kevin because...well..
THAT'S what bothered him. If they really were equals, couldn't he start the discussion himself? Here he was again, in the 'female' role, waiting for his prince charming to ask for his hand in marriage. Well, not in marriage obviously because that would be scarily ridiculous. But ask for his hand in 'moving in together'.
And it wasn't even as if he was totally sure he wanted them to live together yet. He'd loved having Kevin here but even Patrick knew there was a difference between the honeymoon phase and the long term. Was he ready to commit to Kevin so fully? It was a huge step. But, didn't it even merit a discussion?
This is where some previous relationship experience would come in handy. And maybe that's why he took his cues from Kevin. Kevin had been in a relationship for over two years. He'd been through this. He knew how to have the discussions and when. So if Kevin didn't think it was time yet...maybe it wasn't.
And maybe he should just chill the fuck out.
He didn't really have doubts about how Kevin felt about him. It was clearer every day just how much in love they were. And they WERE making plans for the future. Patrick had mentioned how much he wanted a dog, and Kevin had agreed. And a big kitchen. Just so they could maybe one day learn how to cook for real and have grown-up dinner parties where they could impress their friends. And Kevin had joked about it as he usually did, with his silly British sense of sarcasm, but he'd agreed to everything. And he'd even teased Patrick about that green card visa thing again, which had totally freaked Patrick out for a few moments as he thought that Kevin was actually going to have to leave one day. Of course they could always get married, though the very thought sent Patrick's heart racing in all sorts of very uncomfortable ways, but...that wasn't going to be necessary. Probably. Because MDG would sponsor him Kevin had assured him. But, what if something happened to MDG and he lost his job? Would he have to go back then? It was two years away so obviously not something they needed to worry about yet. Two years was a very long time. Patrick just wanted to know what was happening in the next few months! So, the dog, the kitchen...it was nice to be making plans for the future. And THAT'S what Patrick needed to hold onto.
If Kevin hadn't really discussed the whole apartment thing and who was staying where, and how many nights they'd be together and how many they'd spend apart, and would Patrick leave a toothbrush at Kevin's, would Kevin ever spend the night here again, given Agustin, and all that negotiation stuff, and if he'd made it clear that however much Patrick loved his apartment, Kevin didn't... it didn't negate all the ways he was showing Patrick how important he was to Kevin. They spent every waking moment together, Kevin had done the whole GaymerX for him, they were fucking like they'd invented sex...for god's sake, the man had even come to Thanksgiving at Dom's with him, just because Patrick wanted him to, with only the slightest wince at the thought of being The New Guy. Which was something Kevin didn't love. Knowing he would be watched, evaluated, scrutinized. But he still went because he knew it was important to Patrick. And THAT'S what loving boyfriends did.
Frankly Patrick was worried that if they hadn't shown up to Dom's Thanksgiving, his friends would have organized a posse to kidnap him away from Kevin. They weren't too happy with Patrick at the moment. They didn't think he was being sensible. Apparently he was spending far too much time wrapped up in his new boyfriend, and didn't have a sense of perspective. Or something. It was because of how worried they were that Patrick let them lecture him. And because they were careful not to say anything bad about Kevin. But then, what could they say? Dom and Agustin both believed the fundamental nature of relationships was to open up and that guys were born cheaters. How could they berate Kevin for doing the thing they had both shrugged off as being inevitable? So it wasn't that they didn't like Kevin. Actually, if Thanksgiving was anything to go by, Kevin was a hit.
Of course Kevin was smart enough to make sure he bought a very special bottle of wine for Dom, and he brought lots of free video games for Agustin to take to the shelter. Shit. Why had Patrick never thought of doing that? Kevin was a born charmer of people. Patrick should watch and learn. It's not that he was smarmy or obvious about wanting to ingratiate himself. He just naturally seemed to be able to do it. Confidence, wit and that cute accent. Patrick could fake the accent, and he thought he was pretty amusing sometimes, certainly Kevin seemed to find him funny, but...that confidence thing. You couldn't fake that. It was something people could just sense you either had, or you didn't. And people were drawn to it. Basked in it. That Thursday, sitting around Dom's tiny cramped table, laughing, teasing, gossiping and swapping embarrassing stories of their past with old friends and the increasing circle of new people that were being drawn into their lives, it had struck Patrick that Kevin and Richie had that one thing in common. That alluring, elusive, confidence.
Dom and Agustin had truly warmed up to Kevin that day, and they had let Patrick know that their concerns weren't strictly about Kevin himself, but just that...Patrick was moving too fast. Falling too deep. He ought to be careful. Preserve a little of himself. Carve out time for others. Not forget that there was more to life than Kevin and being in love. Typical rookie mistakes apparently, that if he had more experience with relationships, he'd know were common traps to avoid.
Self-preservation. The enemy of intimacy. You had to pick one of the two because you couldn't have both, and Patrick had been alone too long. That's what his friends didn't get. They'd lived through this and had the scars to prove how brutal it could be, but...at least they had got to experience the bliss of the honeymoon phase. If he was going to end up irritated by the proverbial socks on the floor, and if they would one day settle down to having sex at most once a night, maybe just even on the weekends, and if one day he would be praying for some alone time, then wasn't it important to just soak up this glorious, fantastic, delicious experience of being in love?
'Are you still worrying about the fact that you liked me tying you up?' Kevin murmured sleepily, bringing Patrick back to the present, where his beautiful lover was lying in his arms, having just let Patrick tie him up and fuck him. Fuck caution. This was what living was all about.
Patrick chuckled.
'No.' Patrick reassured him, patting Kevin on the shoulder gently. 'I was just coming to terms with the fact that I really am gay. I thought maybe it was just a passing phase, but it seems I love cock.'
'Oh, that's good. I love cock. And I especially love your cock. It's really very nice.' Kevin mumbled.
'Why thank you. I appreciate that.' Patrick smiled.
'And I appreciate you appreciating that.' Kevin replied. Oh wow. Kevin remembered that too? From that weekend? It was probably on his mind because of their earlier conversation at brunch when they had discussed his silly leather vest and how Kevin had felt when Patrick got up to leave so abruptly after they had been happily working together on the presentation that didn't ultimately happen.
Another revelation about Kevin. He'd lusted after Patrick in that black leather vest and had been heartbroken when Patrick had walked out on him to go to the bar with his friends. Kevin had never understood to this day what had caused Patrick to make such a quick escape, and as Patrick explained Agustin's role and the conversation he and Agustin had had about living fantasy lives, Kevin had seemed distressed. That hadn't been Patrick's intention. There was no blame, he was just trying to explain that he had needed to face the fact that he was lusting after a man with a partner, and he needed to take some positive steps to get away and create a real life for himself. Of course, that was the night he'd hooked up with Richie, which was another fact Kevin wanted clarification on.
Patrick had reassured Kevin that the past was in the past, and it had felt almost surreal to be in the position of having to confront Kevin's jealousy. Somehow no one believed Patrick was over Richie. Which he wouldn't mind that much but if people saw Richie as this Svengali-like character that had some power over Patrick, again, Patrick was cast in the weak role, and that...sucked.
The truth was he'd needed Richie in his life at that point. Kevin wasn't ready, and neither was he. If they'd started an affair that night, it would have been a disastrous quick flirtation, that would have ended up in a horrible mess. They'd had to resist each other until it wasn't possible to resist anymore, so that when they came together, it was already something deeper than a horny fuck, as much as Patrick had tried to deny the truth of that. Not that their relationship hadn't had it's horribly painful moments anyway, but...at least they'd ended up here, together.
Anyway, he couldn't regret experiencing Richie. They'd had some very beautiful moments and it had been an incredibly important relationship in Patrick's life.
And it had taught him something valuable which was worth remembering now. He shouldn't rush into things. Forcing something to happen because you really wanted it to didn't always work. It had broken him and Richie. He wasn't going to make the same mistake twice. No rushing, no pushing, no forcing. Just let things happen organically.
That didn't sound like him at all, but wasn't that also part of relationships and growing up? Learning lessons. Overcoming your own nature? He could do it.
Well...fuck. There was the roller coaster again. He'd just come to terms with throwing caution to the wind, and now he was convincing himself to take a step back. He was going to get whiplash from all the sudden stops and starts he talked himself into.
'Earth to Patrick. What the fuck?' Kevin propped himself up on his elbows and stared into Patrick's face. 'Are you seriously going to let a comment about how much I love your cock just go unused?' Kevin protested.
Patrick rolled his eyed.
'Kevin, we had sex about a million times last night, and I just finished fucking you literally fifteen minutes ago. Is it not possible that I'm simply shagged out, and that the fact that you like my cock is something that is very nice to hear, but not something I need to do anything about right now?' Patrick sighed.
Kevin seemed to reflect for a few moments.
'Nope.' Kevin shook his head. 'I'm still horny. It's your fault for talking about cocks. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. You can just lie back and think of England. I'll just be quick and if you're very unlucky, you might not even notice.' He continued, beginning to grind himself into Patrick's body.
'Has anyone every suggested you might be obsessed with sex?' Patrick murmured, as Kevin's head made it's way down Patrick's body, kissing and nibbling tiny bites of skin on his journey.
'I'm obsessed with YOUR sex.' Kevin mumbled as he buried his head in Patrick's crotch. Patrick grinned, as he crossed his arms behind his head and relaxed into the bed.
'Admit it. You're grateful now that I washed myself when I took the condom off. You always complain at the time, but then you don't have to deal with the taste of condom-cum when you go down on me. And you always go down on me after I've come in you, so, you should be thanking me rather than grumbling the way you always do.' Patrick rambled on, as Kevin gave him leisurely, lovely long licks along the length of his hard penis.
'Stop talking. I'm blowing you. Respect the blow job code of silence.' Kevin ordered.
'That must be an English thing. Here in America we take it as a matter of pride to be able to carry on a conversation while having our dicks sucked...ohhhhhh' Patrick trailed off feebly, as Kevin sucked him deep into his wonderful, warm, wet mouth. That suction though...fuuuuuuck.
A few blissful, silent minutes later, Kevin pulled his mouth off Patrick with a loud pop, and tenderly kissed the tip of his cock.
'You were saying?' He asked sweetly.
'Bastard.' Patrick panted. He'd get his revenge of course, but suffering through the teasing was delicious and he wouldn't want it any other way. Actually...
Patrick put a hand down to lift Kevin's chin up toward him. He looked at the beautiful man whose mouth was swollen and wet from sucking him, whose eyes were crinkled in a mischievous grin, and Patrick smiled.
'I love you.' Patrick said softly.
Kevin frowned.
'Fuck.' Kevin sighed as he shook his head. 'That's not fair.'
And he got back to sucking. With extreme renewed vigor. And talent. Lots and lots of talent. Patrick squirmed trying to hold back the orgasm that was barreling down on him, because he didn't want this to end, but...Kevin was fucking inspired.
'Fuuuuuuck...oh. Yeeeees. Fuuuuuck...' Patrick gasped as he clutched Kevin's head in his hands and tried to grab at his hair. He sensed Kevin get on his knees, his head still in Patrick's crotch, but his hands now tugging at himself. Oh fuck yeah. They were going to come together. Why that mattered god only knew, but it was fucking hot.
'Come. I want you to come with me.' Patrick groaned, as Kevin worked them both so beautifully.
In one smooth move, Kevin was suddenly lying next to Patrick, his mouth having caught Patrick's in a deep, wet kiss, his hand having brought their two desperate cocks into one grip, as Kevin rubbed them together. Yes...yes. Patrick gripped Kevin's shoulders, feeling the muscles straining, as Kevin worked to bring them off. Patrick was so fucking close...
'Look at me.' Kevin whispered, barely able to get the words out he was panting so hard. 'Say it now.' He ordered. Patrick leaned up and bit Kevin's lip before he let his head fall back on the pillow.
'I love you.' He said again, broken, his eyes focused on Kevin's, his whole body tensed to come.
'Jesus...fu..uuuck.' Kevin gasped as they both splashed onto Patrick's belly and chest. They seemed frozen in time for endless minutes, staring into each other's eyes, blinking frantically as their orgasms ripped through them. Finally, Kevin dropped his forehead onto Patrick's shoulder, and their breathing began to slowly even out.
It was inconceivable to imagine a time when they wouldn't be so desperate for each other, but knowing that time would come, Patrick lay in a daze, relishing the beauty of this moment. Kevin rolled over onto his back, his head next to Patrick's on the pillow, his hand reaching down to find Patrick's hand. Patrick's fingers tangled into Kevin's. They turned their heads to look at each other, still breathing heavily, sweat glistening on their faces. Kevin looked magnificent.
Kevin smiled as he brought Patrick's hand up to graze his knuckles gently with his mouth. So. Fucking. Romantic.
Patrick sighed. Kevin sighed.
'Cheating bastard.' Kevin said sweetly. Patrick grinned.