Chapter 21:
She felt strong hands against her shoulders and started to rejoice. Arizona was going to kiss her back. She did still feel something for her. She knew they couldn't have been together for so long and had their kind of love and it not have meant something to the blonde.
When she felt her body being shoved, forcefully, she knew she had made the wrong assumption. She fell back on her knees and opened her eyes.
"Fuck...goddamn it. What the hell, Terri?" Arizona was frantically screaming at her as she tore herself off the floor. She was rubbing the fingers of her left hand over her forehead. Her right hand was digging painfully into her side as she fought to keep herself up right.
"Z-Zona, I-I'm, I didn't...Zona-" Terri stammered. She felt the full weight of what she had done impact with her body.
"Stop, fuck...stop calling me that. This isn't me Terri. I'm not this person. I'm not...I'm not a cheater. God, I'm going to be sick." the blonde said as she doubled over at the waist and rested her weight on her arms where they sat on her thighs.
Terri watched in horror as her ex fought with herself for control of the battle waging war within her. She hadn't meant to kiss Arizona. She'd had no intention of coming to Seattle to cause any problems. It had been in the heat of the moment and Arizona was familiar. In that moment, she'd not thought of what she was doing as cheating. Not for Arizona. In that moment she'd seen and felt and smelled someone who she had been love with for ten years. The other woman the blonde was with couldn't compare with that. Could she? The one time Terri had said 'fuck the consequences' was all it took for her to see she had made a huge err.
"I didn't mean that, Zo-Arizona. Please..."
Arizona raised herself and tried to breathe. Her chest was tightening and her heart was thrumming loudly in her ears. She was hyperventilating and she couldn't seem to calm herself down. When she looked back at Terri, she found the other woman was still in the floor watching her with a horrified expression.
"I love her, Terri."
The green-eyed woman was silent as she drew her knees up to her body.
Arizona took several long and deep breaths. Her throat felt raw and her insides hurt.
"I'm sorry that I did what I did. I'm sorry it hurt you. I really am. I woke up one day and my brother was gone, my child had been ripped from my arms, and I realized that what I was supposed to be feeling for you wasn't there anymore."
The smaller woman turned to face Terri and the brunette noticed tears in her eyes.
"I didn't go about things the best way and I hate myself for that. I hate that I couldn't be what you needed me to be. But, the past is the past, Terri. I'm happy now. I'm in love with someone so amazing. She helped me see myself. She's the reason I didn't curl up and die."
Terri lowered her eyes and studied the floor between her knees as she listened to the blonde. The words hurt. They hurt a lot. She wished that the blonde felt those things for her.
"I love her, Terri." Arizona whispered as her voice cracked. "I love her."
"I know, Arizona." Terri said looking up at her.
"I was only trying to comfort you, Terri. I didn't come here for this...any of this. When I look at you", she started in shaky tones, "when I remember your scent and our time together, I'm not thinking of you, Terri. You remind me of Hannah. You're a piece of her. Everything about you reminds me of...my baby."
The blonde turned away from the taller woman and ran her hands over her face. She sighed as a fundamental truth solidified within her.
"You remind me of her..." she said in a far away voice. Turning back to Terri, she met her eyes and continued.
"That's why I left you, Terri. When Hannah got sick, I pulled away from you. I tried to reconnect with you, but Hannah just got worse and worse and when she died, I found that my feelings for you had died with her. I couldn't stay with you having you remind me of what I lost everyday. That's why I left. I'm sorry."
Terri absorbed the blonde's words and locked her jaw. She stood from where she'd been on the floor and crossed her arms over her chest. There wasn't anything she could say. Arizona had spoken enough for both of them. She had given Terri what she needed. She'd given her an explanation and her closure.
She knew there were still things they needed to talk about, but she knew now wasn't the time to bring them up. Her silence sat on the air and battled with the volume of the blonde's words.
"Look, I have to go, Terri. I need to go see Calliope. I messed up with her and I need to fix that."
"Arizona, I'm sorry. But...did you feel nothing when I kissed you?"
Arizona placed her hands on her hips and cornered the brunette with her eyes. Terri was standing by the chair she'd been sitting in earlier. Her arms were wrapped across her body and she was nervously twitching from foot to foot.
"I felt nothing, Terri. We're over. We've been over for years. You're telling me to face Hannah's death? Face the fact that our relationship is finished. Move on, Terri."
With that, the blonde grabbed her jacket from the back of the sofa and proceeded to leave the room. When she passed by the brunette, Terri grabbed her arm.
"Does she really mean that much to you?"
Without missing a beat or needing to her ex to clarify, Arizona replied "She's the only thing that matters to me. She means everything, Terri."
She pulled her arm free from the taller woman's grasp and left the room in a rush. Terri stared at the door for long moments before walking to the couch. She flopped her body down heavily and licked her lips once. The beauty of her surroundings did nothing to lift her spirits or change her gloomy mood.