Chapter 21 – Overwhelmed

After that heart-stopping kiss, everything for Kurt seemed like a whirlwind. Sebastian thanked Amy and then retrieved his baggage. He took Lily's carrier and led them both out to the car to take them back to his apartment. On the way, Sebastian described everything in as much detail as he could without being boring. He tried to bring New York to life for Kurt. How much he loved both the city and how much he cared for Kurt was revealed by the effort he put into his descriptions. He didn't really even realize the car had stopped outside of his building until the driver cleared his throat.

He apologized to the driver and tipped him well. He then retrieved the luggage and carrier. The doorman helped them to the elevator. Sebastian introduced Kurt to everyone in the building letting Kurt try to familiarize himself with the people from the sound of their voices. He described the lobby of the rather posh building. They made it to Sebastian's floor rather easily and to the apartment door. Once the door was shut behind them, Sebastian opened the carrier and set it on the floor letting Lily out. "Welcome home, Lily," he said softly kissing her forehead and getting a kitten lick as payment. He set her down and she was off to explore. Then, he slowly led Kurt around the apartment and described the layout, the decor and the view of Central Park.

Kurt stretched his hand out and his fingers grazed glass. He knew that Sebastian had him standing across from the bay windows overlooking Central Park. He could sense the other man standing behind him. He imagined everything Sebastian had said. It wasn't difficult. He had a good imagination, but somehow it wasn't the same. Kurt was quiet just standing there breathing and letting the feelings wash over him.

Sebastian watched Kurt and knew it was bittersweet for him. The last time Kurt had been here, he could see. He couldn't imagine what that must be like, but Kurt was alive and he was here and the future could hold almost anything. Still... "Are you glad to be here, Kurt?" Sebastian asked softly, just a touch of vulnerability in his voice.

"So glad," Kurt answered immediately his voice breathless. "Thank you Sebastian," he said and he wasn't sure what he was thanking Sebastian for...this...New York...everything.

Sebastian relaxed at his words and when Kurt thanked him, Sebastian replied without preamble, "any time."

"Bas?" Kurt said, a bit vulnerable too. He was not sure what he wanted, but suddenly he was feeling very shy.

"Yes?" Sebastian inquired at Kurt's questioning tone. He didn't know what was going on, but hopefully Kurt wouldn't make him work too hard to figure it out.

"This...me...I don't want to be trouble to you. I love that you invited me. I just...You've been too good to me, Sebastian Smythe, and the best surprise of all is that I never expected it. I never expected you," Kurt admitted.

He touched Kurt's shoulder, his hand a warm gentle presence there. "I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to, Kurt, but I'm kind of glad you never expected me. I didn't really expect you either, you know. Nice to know it's mutual."

"Bas?" Kurt said again softly. "Don't stand so far away," Kurt replied vulnerable again. He was in a strange place. The first strange place since he'd been blind, other than the hospital. He knew it sounded childish, but he just had to feel Sebastian close to him.

Sebastian smiled and stepped close enough for Kurt to be able to feel his body heat. "That better?" he asked.

Kurt loved that he could use his condition to feign ignorance and innocence. When Sebastian asked if that was better, he shook his head no. "Still too far away," he said breathing slowly as he closed his useless eyes.

It took Sebastian a bit, but he got it then. Chuckling, he stepped close, wrapping his arms around Kurt. "Is that better?" he asked softly, his lips against Kurt's left ear. He wasn't going to begrudge him closeness, not when he was enjoying it so much himself.

Kurt nodded slowly. He leaned against Sebastian and the words began to pour about the books he'd been listening to and the music he'd heard and how Artie wanted him to sing for Glee Club. Sebastian answered with hms and chuckles and squeezed Kurt closer to him when he was happy or concerned or agreed with what Kurt was saying.

He just held Kurt and listened. He could really get used to this. He liked Kurt being this close and liked having him here in the apartment even more. He interjected with snippets of the things going on in his life and the busy world of law.

"So... are you hungry or thirsty or tired or anything? I mean here you are safe and sound in New York. What would you like to do now?" Sebastian whispered in Kurt's ear when the other man finally fell silent.

"I could eat," Kurt blushed as he answered because he'd been talking for what felt like forever. In response to his reply, there came a squeak below him and Kurt jerked a bit in Sebastian's arms squeaking himself in surprise. "See," he said a bit defensively at Sebastian, "Lily and I do speak the same language."

He chuckled as Lily squeaked for attention. "You squeak adorably - I noticed," he teased. Sebastian leaned down and pick up the little kitten. "Did you feel left out, Lily?" he asked and she squeak meowed back at him. "Sorry little one," he said softly. He stepped close to Kurt again, so that Kurt could tell where he and Lily are. Kurt reached out his fingers to try to find Lily, but he was afraid he might poke her or hurt her so he drew his fingers back a bit.

"What would you like?" Sebastian inquired. "I can order in or I can make something - kitchen's stocked."

"Um...There's a pretty good pizzeria near Central Park…Angelo's, and I think they deliver. Pineapple and ham," he said blushing. He knew his food choices were a bit weird.

"I know Angelo's. Half pineapple ham... half just pepperoni," Sebastian commented and Kurt nodded in agreement. That was more than fair.

"I'd like to pet Lily, but I don't want to hurt her," Kurt admitted.

Sebastian noticed Kurt's hesitance and was about to help him out when Lily leaned forward to lick his fingers before he could draw back. She squeaked again when they got out of reach and kept squeak meowing at Kurt.

"Think you can find her with all that squeaking?" Sebastian asked finding the interaction between the two highly amusing.

Kurt smiled and reached out again. This time Lily licked his fingers and nudged her head under them. He scratched behind her ears smiling. "I think she found me," he said. "Do you want me to hold her while you call for pizza?" he asked stroking down Lily's small body as she meowed and purred with pleasure. "Seems you like that don't you, Princess?" he asked and Lily squeaked in response.

He smiled as he watched Kurt and Lily interact. The kitten seemed to know Kurt's limitations and worked around them. "Seems like she does indeed," he said as he handed the little fur-ball over. He guided Kurt to the couch and then made his way to the phone to call for pizza. Once it was ordered, he returned with two bottles of water and sat next to them on the couch. "35 minutes till food. I brought you a bottle of water, figured you might appreciate it. I've got beer, wine, iced tea and Sprite too if you want something else," he commented.

"I always thought when I had my kids I'd be running around after them," Kurt mused not meaning to get deep or vocal about such a touchy subject but there it was. It just came out. He smiled then a bit sadly. He was thinking about that a lot lately. Maybe he would have to give up on that dream or on the dream of having someone that would be patient enough to have children with a blind man. Scratch that. A man, a gay, family man, who wanted children with a blind cripple. Did not exist! Sadness washed over Kurt's face. There was another of his dreams dying right then and there. How many more of them would Kurt have to give up because of this? He stroked Lily for a moment and lived with the grief. He'd found it was much better to let it pass through him then to internalize it. He thought about Dr. Oliver. Who knew? Maybe the man would have some answers for Kurt. "Water's fine?" he forced a smile.

Sebastian heard the sadness in Kurt's voice. "You'll find a way, Kurt. You want something badly enough you'll get it. It's something I've always admired about you," he commented, but didn't elaborate. He placed the bottle into Kurt's hand. "If there are fears or worries or anything you want to talk about Kurt you know you can tell me - right?" Sebastian asked. "I know we weren't close but I feel closer to you now... and I just... I want to be there for you in any way that I can."

"You are here," Kurt said his smile pulling into a happier one. "I do feel close to you Sebastian," Kurt admitted. "I never expected that I'd find someone I could share all this with, all my fears with without them feeling threatened. I guess I haven't been with the most secure men," he said softly. He took a sip of the water. Lily was padding across his leg now and kept sliding down the wrong end. Kurt lowered his hand to catch her a bit and nudge her back onto his knee. "What about you, Sebastian? What's in your future?"

"I have a pretty good life going. I know where I am. I know kind of where things might go. Unless I royally fuck something up, I've got nothing to be uncertain about. I did the fearful thing. I was a mess when Michel and I first started dating, but he helped me get over that. His dying put things into perspective for me. Life's short... shorter for some than for others. I know my own power, my limits. Can't help but be more confident because of it. Never had much use for personal weakness, but as a Smythe that's kind of a given," he admitted. "Hopefully, become a kick-ass lawyer and eventually make partner. Then maybe open up my own firm someday or take over dad's. Help raise up the next generation of lawyers. Maybe finish the list," he said shrugging his shoulders. "What about you? Ideal situation...What's your future?" Sebastian inquired changing the subject.

Kurt wanted to say that he didn't have one. It was true. All the doors of his desires were closed now. Every last one of them and even though Sebastian was patient enough to open small ones the reality still remained that big ones were impossible to open. Instead, however, he opted for. "I'm not sure." It was true. He'd been thinking of possibilities as a blind person and all of them would involve finding new dreams. What if he never regained his vision? He thought about it. "Maybe I'll be lucky to finish my list," he said slowly. "You know when I made it I told myself I would reach for the impossible with no limitations. I didn't realize then that those were the dreams of my heart," he admitted. 'And how much it will hurt to give them up,' he thought.

He set Lily on the cushion between them and suffered her glares for a moment before choosing to ignore them with great difficulty. He took Kurt's hand in his. "Kurt, I know that you're still adjusting to this life, but even if I have to bring my grandfather to the States to teach you, I will show you that you can still have a life. Maybe not everything in the way you expected, but it doesn't mean it can't be better than just good. My grandfather never allows his being blind to limit him. He makes adjustments and sure there are things he just can't do but there's so much more that he can do that he has done. So, please keep an open mind. Okay? I'll help you with your list and you'll help me with mine. Right?" Sebastian asked.

Kurt turned his head away from Sebastian's voice, so he couldn't see the emotions playing out across his face. He nodded his head yes, but he didn't believe it. He knew more than anything he wanted to see his children's faces. 'You aren't going to have children anymore,' the voice in his head reminded him. 'So what does it matter what you can see and what you can't.' "I'll help you with your list," Kurt finally answered Sebastian taking a deep breath before turning his head back. "For as long as you let me."

There was a knock at the door then and the pizza arrived. Good. Kurt couldn't stand this level of emotion much longer. He was self-deprecating for six months now reminding himself of what he couldn't have. If he could see, he'd be at a fashion show now or he'd be sitting across from Isabelle. Something he intended to do anyway this week, but it wouldn't be the same.

They ate their pizza and by the time they finished, Kurt was joking around with Sebastian again. Bas even opened red wine and Lily got into the pepperoni. Little Princess had to be in the middle of everything. "Hey, get out of that!" Sebastian chided the little squeaker when she ended up half on his plate trying to get pepperoni. "She's made an invasion attempt on my plate seeking pepperoni," he explained to Kurt and Kurt could hear the laughter in his voice.

When Sebastian was cleaning up and Kurt was sitting on the sofa, he dared to ask. "So, what now?"