Thank you so much for your lovely reviews and kind comments. Still some ends to tie together before this is over, even if CJ and Molly now know how they feel for one another.

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Chapter 21: Bones

I was bleeding out. Emotionally, not physically, so there was no tourniquet that was going to save me. When we sat in that helicopter taking us to Bastion, I felt like life was slowly pouring out of me. I was still holding her in my arms, but I already knew she was no longer mine. I knew that this probably was the last moment ever I would have her in my embrace, so I closed my eyes to press back the tears and made pretend for a few minutes more that we still loved each other, not that only I loved her.

It had been so painfully obvious when I saw Molly and Charles James together, maybe even more so because I could not hear what they said and just watched their body language. Just like that time in the cafe a lifetime ago, the chemistry between them was undeniable. I knew she had never looked at me quite like that. I could see that no matter how much James had denied any feelings between them, there was a bond - and that bond was love. I saw it already when there was space between them, but the whole thing seemed sealed when he leaned his forehead to hers, the emotions between them so strong I could almost touch them from where I stood, like the feelings had a physical shape and form.

This morning I had still nurtured some vain hope. Even if I was worried sick for her, I hoped that this was fate pulling us together, that this would make us ricochet back to one another, but if there was any ricocheting happening it was clearly between them. So, when I watched what happened, involuntarily made an inactive bystander when Elvis pulled rank at me, I was not sure what caused me most agony; the fact that it was not sure that she, they, would live, or that if she did it would be to love another man than me. Yet, when it was over and the bomb had exploded, I had to run to her and make sure she was fine, and my relief was endless when she seemed to be. She clung to me when I held her, but I knew she was only seeking comfort in a familiar embrace in this moment of utter distress, not seeking comfort in her lover. To my surprise, James did not claim any right to stay next to her as we sat down in the helicopter, but then I saw their eyes meet and I understood he felt he did not have to. I suppose I could have felt bitter, but all I felt towards him right then was gratefulness for having helped her through this. I closed my eyes to shut out their silent communication and only tried to stay in the feeling of having her next to me, as I knew my time was running out.

When we arrived in Bastion, they were both taken for medical examination and I felt redundant and lost. For a second, I contemplated if this was the cue when I should make a quiet exit, never to return - but I could not make myself do it. I had to have a proper ending with Molly. Otherwise I knew I would wish for one for the rest of my life. If one cannot have the fairy tale one wished for, one should at least try to end it instead of keep lingering in limbo. So, I waited outside the room where they had taken her, until a nurse came out and said that if I wanted to visit her it was fine, and I went in with a heavy heart.

She was lying in a bed, tucked between crisp white sheets. They had done a good job cleaning her up and tending to her wounds, but she still looked torn which was not strange considering what she had been through. She smiled at me as I entered, but I also saw grief in her eyes. She did not know that I had already understood and also knew that this would be a farewell.

I sat down by the bedside and took her small hand in mine.

"You came back for me", she said.

I gave her a weak smile.

"I didn't really. The team was called in but then I didn't know you were the primary. I would have come even if I had known, but they sure as hell wouldn't have sent me if they had realised the connection. And it was only just that Major Beck allowed me to go once he was informed – but we were needed, so out of two bad options..."

She nodded.

"They thought we were still together, you and I…", even if I tried to keep it together my voice broke and I saw her bite her lower lip. I changed subject slightly.

"I understand it must have been very hard… being captive and not know what would happen."

"You know me, I tried to keep my hopes up, but it was not easy. They kept me alive because one of them was injured and needed me, but I was told that as soon as he was well enough they would put that bomb west on and place me in the nearby village. I could only hope that a rescue operation would reach me in time, but I was really starting to despair. I knew that today would have been the last day…"

I squeezed her hand.

"But it went well Molly, thank God. You do know I wanted to come up to you when you had the west? I would never had hesitated, but Elvis wouldn't let me. He was afraid I would fuck it up because I was emotionally involved with you. Maybe I would have, because it wasn't easy thinking straight."

"I know. I know you would do that for me." The sadness in her eyes mirrored my own. I knew she did not want to hurt me. I knew she loved me, just not like she loved him. I think she might even wish it was possible to love two different men, so she would not have to hurt me.

"John, you know it's not us, right? You know this does not change anything?"

Finally, I could not hold back, no matter how much I wanted to, and I felt warm tears run down my cheeks. I had to wait before I spoke and when I did I sniffled.

"I know Molly. I had some small hope when I realised this would make us meet again, but I understood today…"

"What did you understand John?" she asked softly and touched my hair.

"When I saw you, you and Charles James, I realised that there is no return. You love him, and he loves you and nothing I do can ever change that."

She spared me from dishonesty by not denying it.

"I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to fall in love with him again."

"But you did."

"I did… You know I never want to hurt you…"

"But you must, mustn't you? Because you cannot give me what I want."

"No, I can't, and it breaks my heart."

"Not as much as it breaks mine."

The tears kept streaming and I had to look down. Reality was almost too painful to bear, so unfathomable. This was the end, without return and somehow, I understood it fully in a way I had not the last time we parted, even if it hurt already then.

"I won't be able to stay friends with you Molly, not when I wanted so much more, still do and will for a long time I fear. I won't hate you, don't worry about that. You're far too wonderful for me to ever hate you, but I won't be able to stay in touch and if I see you I might run the other direction, because I don't think I can do polite acquaintances. Not with you. Do you understand?"

"I do", she was crying too now. "I wish it wasn't good bye, but I understand if it has to be. I will miss you immensely. I wish things were different…"

"But you still want to love him."

She did not say yes, but I knew she would never had made a choice that would erase that love. A love that maybe always had been there deep down inside her.

"I wish I didn't have to hurt you and I wish you all the best. I wish you everything good in your life John."

I was glad she did not say that she hoped I would find another love, that would have been so condescending. But she knew me so well, she knew what would hurt me even more and refrained from saying such a thing.

"Will you hold me one last time?" she asked. I wanted that, I wanted that more than anything right now. I sat on the edge of the bed and held her in my arms, for long silent moments when the only thing that was to be heard was our mutual sobbing. All my senses were aware, imprinting this in my memory, the feeling of her small, warm, soft body and her silky hair against my cheek, and her scent. This was the last good bye and it was good bye forever. Finally, I whispered in her hair;

"I love you Molly, I love you so much and I wish you all the best too. He'd better take care of you."

"I love you too, John. Take care of yourself, love."

She gave me one soft, sisterly kiss on my lips and then I got up, collected myself and dried away my tears with the back of my hand and just nodded, as if to say to her and myself 'Enough John, time to get a grip of your life and move on', even if I knew it would take a long time before I did. Then, even though my body was already screaming for her, wanting to dive into her arms again and hope she would say this had all been some cruel joke, I turned towards the door and left, meeting a doctor on my way out.

I closed the door behind me and just stood there, taking deep breaths for a moment, until my gaze fell at another man sitting waiting outside. His eyes were filled with sympathy and he nodded to me to sit down on a chair beside him. Part of me just wanted to run as far away as I could, but part of me also wanted to talk to Charles James to get some closure with him too. I sensed that this would be the last opportunity.

First, we sat quiet for a while, both unsure who should start and how. I wanted to hate him, but strangely enough I could hate him no more than I could Molly. In the end I spoke;

"We've said good bye. You won."

"I never saw it as a competition. I wasn't trying to get to you, didn't even know about you before I already had fallen for her. I just love her. I realised that I always have, there has never really been anyone else."

Maybe it had not for her either and that hurt, it hurt so fucking much.

He continued;

"If it's any consolation… when you asked me… I thought she still was with you, I didn't think she had feelings for me. I thought she had chosen you and felt what I imagine you do now. I thought the feelings were one-sided on my part so there was no reason to tell you, plus I didn't want to risk making jealousy cloud your judgement and jeopardise the operation."

"I guess you think it serves me right… for what I did to you once. It's like I have to pay for what I did to you then by losing the woman I love to you now. Like bad karma."

"I don't feel like that… I don't take pleasure in your sorrow no matter what you think. There was a time when I hated you, but I don't now. I have had a good life, I don't have any regrets. I don't believe in karma stuff. I believe there is luck, and I believe we make choices of our own that determine the direction of our lives. That means there is not just one chance to do right, but many chances to choose direction. To me it seems you have changed a lot since we knew each other, you seem to be a good man and I wish you no harm. And as for the karma, isn't that supposed to determine how your next life is to be, not this one? If so, you still have plenty of time to work on the next one becoming a good one if you believe in that. I believe we have one chance, this life, so we must make the most of what we have here. Still I haven't been the best at it myself, afraid to take risks even for things that meant much to me, afraid to show love because I thought it was inappropriate or against regulations. But life is too short and fragile to waste time, I've learned that the hard way."

"You're saying I should move on."

"I'm not trying to give you a pat on the back and tell you what to, or tell you to pull yourself together. I know it won't be easy, I'm just saying don't waste the life you have by growing bitter. Don't do that to yourself because you deserve better."

He was quiet for a moment, then added;

"I also wanted to say, that in case you need my forgiveness for the past, you have it. And I wish you the best."

I wanted to hate him, but I felt an immense relief over his words. Like there had been a knot of angst inside me all these years for what I had done to him, and now he set it free, so it instead flew up in the sky like a shiny soap bubble, finally popping somewhere above our heads.

"Thanks, I appreciate that. I should go now, but Charles…"

"Yes?"

"Take care of Molly. Love her like she's worth loving, I wish her nothing but happiness."

"I will, I will love her and take care of her. Take care of yourself, wish you all the best too."

And as a strange ending to this day, or maybe to our entire history, we shook hands to acknowledge that we mutually forgave one another for the sorrow we had caused, in the past as well as in the present. We were bonded by our love to one woman.

Then I walked away without looking back, knowing I left Molly with a man who loved her with all his heart, just like I did.

If you need an antidote to cheer you up after this sad chapter, I suggest the one-shot I published yesterday, 'Happy Halloween'. Only fluffy feelgood which might be needed after this not to feel depressed on a Sunday evening.