Stay here / And we can start again
And we can be made over / You'll hear us shouting
When you gonna wake up? When you gonna wake up?
Scared / Well everyone gets scared
Just signal when your ready / And angels hands seem so steady / Seem so steady
Wait now / Tell me that this isn't over
Hang on / Just long enough
If this is heaven / Or if it's just a warning
Say you will stay with me / Even if it's just til' morning
If this is over / Then why is it so hard?
Just say you will stay with me / One more night
If your running / From your secrets
I will make you take them with you
I am ready / I can take it
You don't have to carry them alone
There's a way out / If you want it
To an end or a new beginning
You just have to find it on your own...
Until Morning
-Dashboard Confessional
When she woke the next morning she was tangled in Sawyer's arms and legs with the face of a curious three-year-old just inches away.
"What are you doing?" Jane asked as Kate blinked back the sleep and Sawyer groaned, tightening his grip on her and burying his nose in her hair. Her arm returned the gesture, pressing his into her stomach as her fingers skimmed across his skin.
"Sleeping. What are you doing?" She fired back, one hand rubbing at her eyes.
"Making breakfast." Jane smiled and held up a bowl full of... well, Kate wasn't entirely sure, but as she looked down at Jane's creation, her eyes caught a trail of white powder leading from Jane's feet to the edge of the room and probably down the hall to the kitchen. Suddenly feeling a lot more awake.
Groaning, she closed her eyes and started to untangle herself, loathe to leave her surprisingly comfortable resting place and find just what kind of disaster waited for her in the other room.
"What? What's going on?" Sawyer asked groggily as he felt her shift and pull free from his grip, her nice warm body suddenly missing.
"Jane's making breakfast." Kate explained. Sawyer rubbed his eyes and nodded. Kate smiled as she waited for her words to sink in, watching as he ran a hand through his hair, adorably displaced from sleep. He reminded her of Aaron, just waking from a nap, all content and relaxed.
"Wait! What!" He shot up and Kate chuckled as she stood.
"You heard right. I'm going to go see what the kitchen looks like." Then turning to Jane she continued. "Hey sweetie, why don't you show Sawyer what you've made? I bet he'd love to see."
"Okay." She grinned and shoved the bowl onto the couch next to Sawyer, struggling to climb up next to him. "See." She smiled.
"What is it?" He asked as she climbed onto his lap with the bowl, almost spilling it a time or two in the process. Sawyer's hand catching it and tilting it back up both times.
"Pancakes. Silly." She rolled her eyes and Kate laughed as she exited the room, trying not to step on the little white trail in the process.
The kitchen was, as predicted, a mess. Kate sighed as she rescued the vacuum from the hall closet and began to get rid of the trail of what she now knew was flour. She had to give Jane credit for at least knowing what went into making pancakes... well except for the garlic powder and oregano.
Aaron found her on her hands and knees a few minutes later in the hall with the vacuum cleaner hose trying to remove the mess.
"I'm hungry." He grumbled, rubbing at his eyes.
"I know." Kate sighed as she flipped off the vacuum and Sawyer came out of the living room with Jane, who was giggling in delight as Sawyer swung her upside down, the bowl of 'pancakes' nowhere in sight.
"I was thinking, Freckles. Ophelia is probably getting pretty hungry and anxious to get out of the apartment. Why don't we take the kids out for breakfast? We could stop by and grab Ophelia on the way." He suggested and she had to admit that it sounded like a brilliant idea, excluding the mess.
"Except that we can't leave this mess. The kitchen isn't as bad as in here, but..." Kate gestured to the line of flour that trailed from halfway down the hall to the couch.
"Not a problem." He set Jane down and reached for Kate's hand. "You go get the kids dressed and I'll work on this." She took his hand and he tugged her to her feet, then handed him the vacuum hose.
"Ok." She was not about to turn down his offer of cleaning up the mess. Especially if she was going to get food out of the deal as well. "Hey, if you find the bag of flour..." She started out, it was the one item that appeared to be present everywhere but where it was intended to be, and she had yet to locate the source.
"It's in the living room under the coffee table. I'll grab it when I get this cleaned up." He tossed out casually.
"You are a lifesaver. Remind me never to do this without you." Kate beamed.
He smiled, finding the thought of doing something like this with her wasn't so bad after all.
Aaron's eyes followed his 'aunt' and 'uncle' suspiciously. He was no stranger to the way they were acting, it was an awful lot like his mom and Ian did. He wasn't so sure what that meant, but he knew enough to know that it deserved some investigation.
"I think that might make your future husband a little jealous." Sawyer teased, enjoying Kate's little eye roll as she turned away from him. Placing her hand on Jane's shoulder, she led the small girl down the hall toward the stairs.
"Come on, let's go get dressed." She murmured to the little girl, then tossed a look over her shoulder at the boys. "Aaron?"
"I'll be up in a minute. I wanna ask Uncle Sawyer a question." Aaron smiled back at Kate reassuringly and she nodded her agreement, then disappeared with Jane up the stairs.
"So, whadya wanna know, kid?" Sawyer asked, flipping the vacuum cleaner back on and getting back to work on the spill. Aaron studied him quietly for a minute then flipped the vacuum back off.
"Aunt Kate likes you a lot." He started out.
"And I like Aunt Kate a lot." Sawyer admitted freely, uncertain where Aaron was going with things.
"Who is Ophelia and why is she staying at your house?" He demanded, placing his hands on his hips. "Is she your..." He hesitated. "...girlfriend?" His nose scrunched up in disgust. Sawyer tried not to laugh. A five year old in superhero pajamas was giving him the interrogation usually reserved for fathers and brothers. It struck him that Kate had no father or brother to question him. It was fitting that Aaron would step in, even if it was completely unnecessary and a bit surprising that he understood enough of what was going on to be concerned.
"No, this is my fault for not letting you meet her earlier. Your Aunt Kate and I had planned on bringing her by sooner, but we never got around to it." He couldn't resist a little teasing, especially over something so silly. Aaron was going to love Ophelia just as much as the girls did, and he would quickly forget any concern once he met her.
"Do you like her? Like you like Aunt Kate?" Aaron's little voice questioned with complete soberness.
"Not quite the same way, but yes, I guess I do like her." Sawyer answered back with the same level of sincerity. Aaron would accept no less from him.
"I like it when Aunt Kate is around you. She laughs a lot and she smiles too. I think she is happy when she is with you, and I don't want Ophelia to make her sad."
For a minute Sawyer almost cracked and let the secret spill that Ophelia was a dog. But there was something touching in the little boy's affections for his once mother. The way that he still watched her, and noticed those emotions that Kate tried so hard to hide from him. His desire that she find happiness. They spoke volumes about how much the boy truly cared for her, and Sawyer couldn't blame him one bit for it.
"You have nothing to worry about, sprout. Aunt Kate loves Ophelia. In fact, when she is around Ophelia, sometimes I get jealous." He admitted freely. Aaron would never rat him out, and it would soothe the troubled expression on the boy's face.
"You do?" He asked, his eyes going wide in astonishment. Like he couldn't picture Sawyer being jealous over anything.
"Yeah, they always take all of each other's attention. What am I supposed to do?" Sawyer threw his hands up and shrugged.
"Wow. She must be pretty cool then. I mean, you're... you."
The absolute awe in Aaron's voice was hard to ignore. A smile twitched at the corner of his lips, for the undeserved amazement the little boy seemed to carry. He couldn't really remember a time when he felt that way about anyone, though he imagined he must have at one time. All kids did. Part of growing up meant losing it. That blind devotion, almost hero worship, of adults. Regardless of if it was actually deserved. That wide eyed innocence that made you think twice about what you said, made you never want to destroy that illusion.
"Oh, she is." He offered gently. "Why don't you run upstairs and get dressed so we can go over and I can introduce the two of you?"
"Ok." He beamed then turned toward the stairs and was halfway down the hall before Sawyer could say anything more.
"Oh, and Aaron?" He called out.
"Yeah?" Aaron asked, halting and spinning around quickly just before the stairs, his hand grabbing the railing for balance.
"You don't have to worry about me making your Aunt Kate sad again. Ok?" Sawyer searched the little face for acknowledgement and was rewarded with a smile that nearly reached Aaron's ears.
"Good. I like her better this way." He blurted out quickly.
"Me too, kid. Me too." Sawyer agreed then shooed the boy off with a hand gesture, which Aaron was quick to respond to.
They decided to get the dog after breakfast. By the time Sawyer had gotten the mess cleaned up and Kate had gotten the kids ready to go, Jane was starting to get fussy. Neither one of them wished to relive her scream fest of the night before so they headed to Gail's first.
"Hey Kate." The diner's namesake, Gail, greeted them from behind the counter as the group entered.
"Can we sit at the counter?" Aaron asked, excitement barely contained.
"Of course you can. It's been far too long since I've seen you. Look how much you've grown." Gail said as she stepped around the counter and stopped in front of them. Unlike her son Carl—who in Sawyer's opinion tended to be an obnoxious hard-ass, who just enjoyed ordering people around—his mother Gail was the kind of woman who took in strays. Sawyer didn't have a hard time imagining an emotionally downtrodden Kate stopping in once for a cup of coffee and leaving with a new job and a new grandmother.
"And how are you, James? Still around I see." She gave him a meaningful glance then directed her eyes to Kate. It was no secret that Gail was on the boat with Claire and even Cassidy, in the whole matter of would they or wouldn't they. He was becoming a regular fixture at her counter, especially when Kate was on shift.
"Still around." He smiled. She liked to give him a hard time about the whole thing. She would tell him that he wasn't near good enough for her girl anyway, and that if he had any sense he would never have let her get away in the first place. Then she would bring him a slice of apple pie on the house, and tell him he wasn't eating enough. Her meddling was harmless enough, and he had found that he even appreciated it after awhile. He never really had that growing up, and he found it wasn't all together unpleasant.
"And who is this little one?" Gail asked as she squatted in front of Jane. "She doesn't look much like either of you." She assessed as Jane turned and buried her face in Kate's leg.
"This is Jane. She's Ian's daughter." Kate explained.
"Claire's man?" Gail questioned as she threw her hand up, indicating for Sawyer to help her back up.
"Sure is. Better be by now anyway. They went away for the weekend and Freckles got kid duty." Sawyer winked. Gail swatted his butt and clicked her tongue at him as she returned to her place behind the counter.
"You got a dirty mind, boy." She scolded. "Course, wouldn't like you half as much if you didn't. But sit down. Let me bring you some food, those kids look famished."
So she did, refusing to let Kate help her at all and refusing to let either one of them pay. Gail was the heart and soul of her diner, and the comedic relief as well. By the time their food was eaten, Jane was eating out of her palm and as animated and giggly as ever, and Aaron had colored her a picture that Gail promised to hang behind the counter for everyone to see.
"Next time you come in here with some new cute little face, I expect it to belong to both of you. I ain't gettin any younger, and neither is Kate. You best get on it, or let her get on it. Don't matter much either way who, long as that kid comes out with her freckles and your dimples." Gail teased as they left.
"You forgot her curls." Sawyer smiled as he tugged on Kate's ponytail and Kate rolled her eyes and swatted his hand away.
"And his winning personality. Especially how it just makes you want to punch him. Right in that smug little smirk." She smirked at Sawyer and he pretended to look wounded.
"Aren't you kids just precious? Get out of here, I got paying customers to attend to." Gail swatted the rag she used to wipe the counter at them and they took off laughing.
"I'd pay you, but you think there is something wrong with my money." Sawyer tossed out when he reached the door.
"Yeah, you should be spending it on nice dinners and flowers for her." Gail pointed at Kate who pretended not to blush. "Maybe a nice vacation, somewhere warm and sunny where she doesn't have to wear a lot of clothes. You know, any place that will get me my grand-babies. Everyone here is beginning to wonder if you just don't like the ladies, if you get what I mean."
Aaron tugged on Kate's shirt to get her attention.
"What does she mean?" He asked.
"She means..." Kate started loudly to draw the two bickering adults' attention. "...that everyone here thinks Sawyer is afraid of girls. That they have cooties. But it's okay because he doesn't think that. He thinks..." She looked at Sawyer pointedly. "... that it's time to go meet Ophelia. Don't you, Sawyer?"
Gail burst into laughter, only confusing the boy even more.
"It sure is." He turned back to Gail. "We aren't done."
"I'm sure." She tossed out as the door closed behind the group, then got back to wiping down the counter.
They had taken Kate's car, as it had a full backseat and was the more practical option. That left Sawyer to sit in the passenger seat with nothing to do. Kate was quickly learning that Sawyer liked being in control of the vehicle, and wasn't a fan of being a passenger. Between his fiddling with the radio stations, suggestions on routes, and inability to quit fidgeting, she was being driven mad.
"You're worse than the kids." She commented idly as the pulled up in front of his building.
"What?" He questioned, clearly unaware of his actions.
"Nothing." She smiled as she turned off the car and looked in the rear view mirror to see Aaron peeking out the window anxiously and Jane's little head bobbing up and down, valiantly trying to fight back sleep. "C'mon. Let's get Ophelia. We can take her with us to Claire's, she won't mind."
"Is this where you live, Uncle Sawyer?" Aaron asked from the backseat. Sawyer turned and looked over his shoulder.
"Sure is. You ready to meet Ophelia?" He asked as he unbuckled his seatbelt and carefully opened the door.
Aaron nodded enthusiastically and freed himself from his seat belt as well, as Sawyer stepped around the car and opened the door, warning Aaron to be careful of oncoming traffic and then directing him to stand on the sidewalk and wait for the rest of them. In the meantime, Kate had stepped around to get Jane out and was busy fighting with her booster seat when Sawyer laid a hand on her shoulder.
"Let me." He offered.
"She'll be fussy." Kate warned as she stepped back.
"It's ok, I have a way with the ladies. Remember?" He teased as he leaned over and picked up the sleepy toddler, who fussed half heartedly at him then curled into him contently.
"I might hate you a little bit right now." Kate complained as she took Aaron's hand and Sawyer slammed the car door shut.
"I know." He smiled smugly. "Maybe if you're nice to me, I'll hold you later and work some of my magic on you."
"If you live that long. Gimme your keys." Kate held her hand out for the keys and Sawyer dug in his pocket to rescue them, then placed them in her hand.
When they got to the door, she opened it and was almost immediately bowled over by an anxious dog.
"Down Ophelia." Sawyer ordered sternly as Aaron laughed, causing the dog to sniff him out. Her nose prodding him gently in exploration.
"She's a dog!" Aaron exclaimed and Kate looked to Sawyer in confusion.
"I thought you told him."
"Didn't want to ruin the surprise." He admitted as they watched Ophelia win Aaron over.
"Wanna help me walk her?" He asked Aaron after Ophelia had settled and they had made their way into the apartment.
"Yes!" Aaron nearly jumped up and down with joy at the suggestion.
"You wanna stay here with Jane? Or do you want to take her with us?" Sawyer asked Kate as he picked up Ophelia's leash from the rack hanging by the door and handed it to Aaron who studied it for a minute before working out how it attached to the dog's collar.
"We'll stay here. She'll be out for a bit and I don't see any point in carting her around if we don't have to. I can get some things ready for Ophelia while you're gone. I'm sure she's hungry and if we take her with us we'll need to bring some stuff with us." Kate offered.
He smiled and handed Jane over to her.
"Good thinking. Why don't you just pack up her food? She can wait till we get to Claire's to eat. I just don't trust her in your car after having been locked in here all night. We won't take long."
"Do you want anything?" Kate asked gesturing to his shirt.
"Yeah, while you're at it, why don't you grab me a change of clothes? I'll grab a shower at Claire's."
"On it. You better hurry." Kate gestured toward Aaron who was standing with Ophelia at the door. Ophelia was whining to be let out and Aaron was becoming impatient as well. "You might have a mutiny on your hands if you don't."
Leaning over, he placed a quick kiss on her cheek before he took off with Aaron and the dog. Kate's fingers ran over her cheek where he had kissed her, as if documenting the moment. She was sure he didn't even realize he had done it. That it meant next to nothing. But it burned a hole in her resolve to keep her hands and lips to herself. It was going to be that much harder to control those random urges after that. Still, she wasn't going to say anything about it.
She didn't want to risk it never happening again.
Shaking her head at her own silliness, she set Jane down on the couch and got to work gathering all the things they would need.
He realized as he was walking out the door that he had unintentionally kissed her. That despite all his planning not to go there with her, in an unguarded moment it came so naturally he didn't even realize he was doing it till after the fact. He hoped she would take it for what it was, a simple sign of affection. Nothing world altering.
Though part of him also hoped she would take it for more than that. That part of him that would always have her name stamped on it, wanted her to question him. It wanted her to push him until he snapped and had to kiss her again. And again.
Regardless, he wasn't going to say anything unless she brought it up. It was one of those things best left alone.
As it turned out, she didn't bring it up. When he got back with Aaron and Ophelia, she had collected all the desired items and had put them by the door so they would be ready. She didn't bring it up on the drive back, or after he had taken a quick shower.
They cleaned the kitchen together—making perhaps a bigger mess than Jane had, as everyone got involved—and still she didn't bring it up. By dinner, when she still hadn't said anything, he figured it had blown over. And by the time they were getting the kids ready for bed, he himself had forgotten about it.
She asked him to stay and watch a movie or something after the kids were tucked in, and he agreed. He settled on the couch next to her and Ophelia climbed up on the other side of her stealing all of her attention like normal. He wrapped an arm around Kate as Ophelia set her head on Kate's lap.
They laughed and teased each other like normal. Complained about how horrible the movie was. Reminisced about the mess in the kitchen, and vowed never to let Jane near the flour again. When it got late she suggested he spend the night on the couch, he was too tired to drive home and she could stick his dirty clothes in the wash. He agreed and helped her gather a few other dirty garments to throw in with them.
Eventually she left him on the couch as she climbed the stairs to the guest room, then settled in for the night. She had a harder time falling asleep than usual as her mind kept wandering to the couch in the living room and wondering if he had enough blankets, or if the couch was comfortable enough. Her bed seemed so empty and she couldn't help but flash back on how nice it had been to wake up in his arms that morning.
How she would have loved to linger just a little longer and let the sleep fall from her at a more natural pace, rather than have to immediately flee his embrace to deal with the mess that Jane had created.
She thought about his kisses. Both of them unintentional, but still enough to make her wish for more.
When she did fall asleep, she dreamt of him. Of the island and the passion they had shared. Of the heartache and misery. She tossed and turned for most of the night and arose early to an empty bed and a hollowness that threatened to consume her.
He hadn't been able to sleep well either. The couch was damn uncomfortable and only more so when he thought about her up in that room. Alone in that bed, wondering what she was thinking, what she was wearing, if she would feel the same against his skin. Taste the same on his tongue.
It hadn't taken him long at all to wander back into that forbidden territory. But instead of feeling guilty about it, or thinking that he was somehow betraying Juliet by his attraction to Kate, he let his mind stray. Let himself remember the sights, smells, and sounds of her. How her hair tangled in his fingers, her skin slick against his, sticky and sweet.
He knew it was a bad idea to remember, but not for all the reasons he used to use. It was a bad idea because he couldn't do anything about the way his heart pounded in his ears and his chest grew tight. Couldn't do anything about the way those images took hold of his mind and woke parts of him that had been sleeping for far too long. It was almost embarrassing to think about the control those memories had of his faculties. If anyone had happened to wander passed the couch, there would be no hiding just how much his body wanted to betray what they had built as friends. No denying just how much he wished they could take things farther.
The question then became: why didn't he?
In the past he had numerous reasons for not acting on it, now he was finding that one by one those reasons were falling away and leaving him with no good excuse not to act. He knew he wasn't ready, not really, not if he wanted it to last with her. But as he spent more time with her, he knew that he couldn't picture anyone else in that role. He couldn't see himself building a new life with another woman and keeping Kate at the same time. There wasn't a woman out there who wouldn't question just what she was to him. Juliet had questioned it, and Kate had barely been in his life back then.
So if he wanted her, he had to make that decision and move toward it instead of sitting on the fence. Half in, half out, wouldn't work anymore for them.
His troubling thoughts followed him to sleep, and woke with him the next morning as Jane jumped up on the couch next to him, yelling at him to wake up. They followed him to the kitchen where Kate was busy making breakfast in her soft little flannel pants and a thin strapped top that did very little to hide certain attributes his fingers itched to explore. They hung over his shoulders as he helped her get the kids food and fed Ophelia, who had been kept in the backyard all night.
When she offered him use of the shower, they slid right in with him and refused to wash down the drain. She questioned what was on his mind as they gathered the kids and Ophelia, planning a trip to the park, and he dismissed it.
She thought he was too quiet.
While he still entertained himself at her expense, and never failed to drop a nickname moment, he was more withdrawn than usual. Aaron had picked up on it as well and had nearly fastened himself to Sawyer's side. Sawyer didn't seem to notice the extra attention and went with it, picking Aaron up and setting him on his shoulders as the walked from the parking lot to the park.
Jane wasted no time in taking off and trying her hardest to get lost amid the other kids playing on the jungle gym. Her excitement on full display as she clapped her hands and tripped over her feet in her haste to get to the fun. Quickly picking herself back up, as a tumble that would ordinarily become something to cry over became a minor inconvenience to her goal.
Ophelia barked happily and tugged at her leash.
"You wanna walk, Ophelia?" Kate questioned, looking up at Aaron.
He hesitated in responding, clearly torn between what he thought was his duty—staying with Uncle Sawyer to make sure he was okay—and playing with the dog.
Sawyer set Aaron on the ground.
"Go ahead. Just be careful, she can be a handful." Sawyer smiled at Aaron and Aaron returned the gesture then turned toward Kate.
"Not my girl." Kate smiled and knelt on the ground in front of Ophelia. "Huh? You're going to be a perfect angel for Aaron." Ophelia licked Kate's chin and Kate laughed before handing the leash to Aaron.
True to form, Ophelia didn't tug once after Kate handed the leash over. It figured. Kate had a way of wrapping everyone around her little finger.
After Aaron had wandered off with the dog, Kate turned to Sawyer and grabbed his hand.
"C'mon, I see a park bench with our names on it." She said as she tugged him to an empty bench near where Jane was digging in the sand.
They sat in silence for a long time. Kate humming softly next to him, interrupted only by Jane when she wanted attention. Aaron returned the dog to them to join Jane sometime later and Sawyer watched as Kate stroked the soft fur behind Ophelia's ears, absentmindedly tracing patterns along her fur.
Things were about as perfect as they could get. The thought struck him that he wouldn't mind if the rest of his life played out something like that moment.
"You know, if you want to talk about anything, I'm here." Kate smiled as Jane called for her attention once more. Trying to show off how she could climb to the top of the slide and go down it all by herself.
"Later." He said, picking himself up and stretching.
"Swing!" Jane called out as Sawyer stepped over to the swings where Jane was trying to climb up into one. He set her down on one and gently pushed her as she squealed in delight.
Kate smiled and enjoyed the picture. He was better than he gave himself credit for.
Later came after they had loaded the kids in the car and were driving home after stopping by the diner once more, for dinner. They had decided it would be easier to just eat out while they were out, than to go home and fix something that both kids would eat and Aaron wanted to see if his picture was behind the counter like Gail had promised him it would be. Gail hadn't been in, but it didn't matter. The smile on Aaron face was priceless when he saw, that just as promised, his picture was displayed for everyone to see.
Sawyer watched her drive out of the corner of his eye as the streetlights cast a repeating glow over her, unlike the last time she drove, this time he sat perfectly still, content even. It unnerved her a bit.
"What?" She asked after a minute of his scrutiny. Jane and Aaron had both fallen asleep in the backseat, Ophelia watched from between them with Aaron's arm wrapped around her back. Like a sentinel guarding her charge, the dog's eyes followed each light as her ears twitched at each new sound.
"Nothing." He smiled and turned to look out the window again.
"Your nothing is burning a hole in me. What are you thinking about?" She chuckled and cast a look in his direction.
"Juliet wanted kids." He sighed and turned back to look at her. "I never did."
"I know. I remember that quite clearly." He thought she was going to freeze over, and that was why he had been hesitant to bring it up in the first place. He knew how tender the subject was to her.
"I was an idiot back then. I should have done that better." He tried to mend the fence that had been broken for so long. He hadn't really regretted it until recently, because he hadn't really thought about it until then. He hadn't thought that she might want to be a mother, not until the whole business with Aaron. Not until he saw just how good a mother she could have been.
"I was impulsive and flighty. It wasn't all your fault. I was looking for an excuse to run. You were right about that. You were also right about us having a kid together, it would have been a mess." She could admit that much. They hadn't been ready.
"Sometimes, I wish you had been pregnant. I see you with Aaron and Jane... even Clem. You're good at it, and I know you miss being a mother." His hand rested lightly on her thigh and she met his eyes for a minute as her heart seemed to overflow.
It meant the world to her. That he... would even consider the idea.
She knew it was silly, but the fact that he thought about it sometimes, like she did...
"Aaron was the best thing to happen to me." She said softly, her eyes drifting back to the road as he pulled his hand away. "I don't know. Maybe some day. You still think being a dad is the worst thing ever?" She teased lightly.
"No. Clem is delightful and I'm glad she's in my life. But I think having a kid with Juliet would have been a mistake, for a lot of reasons. The least of them being the fact that we were all living a lie on that island." It was surprisingly easy to talk to her sometimes. He never thought she would judge him for his words, but it was more than that, like somehow they had passed some magical barrier. That one that prevented them from opening their mouths.
Their life together on the island had been littered with their inability to actually communicate with each other. Now it was almost second nature. He found himself spilling all his secrets to her and she was always opening up to him a little more than before.
"Would you do it again? Become a father?" She asked. He paused for a minute to ponder the question.
Would he?
He cast his eyes to the backseat and the sleeping children there.
"Yeah, I think I would." He smiled then turned back to her. "But I wouldn't want to do it the same way. I'd want to be in the kid's life."
"Why James, I think you're going soft on me." She smirked.
"Says the ex-fugitive turned daycare."
"Eh, it's only natural that in your old age thoughts of settling come to mind, so I won't hold it against you." She bantered back, then turned serious. "When my probation is over, I think I might leave this place though. Start over somewhere else."
"You're just going to up and leave me here, with my new woman and 2.5 kids?" He teased, uneasy at the idea that she could just take off and leave him.
She realized how it sounded, like she could abandon him. In reality, when the time came, part of her had always pictured herself with him. Maybe not in a romantic setting, but with him enough that if she said she had to go, he would just know that meant he should come too.
"Tell you what, when that day comes you can run off with me and have a torrid affair, even if you're an old man." She offered to try and take the unintentional sting from her words, and give him the option. She didn't know how to ask him to come with her, or if she even could.
"I'm a loyal man, Freckles. And not old." He didn't want to be her second choice and he didn't want her to be his, he realized with startling clarity.
"Your loss then." She sighed with a slight shrug.
"Maybe I'll just make you my new woman. Then we could run off together with our 2.5 kids." It sounded so nice, and almost believable even, he thought idly.
"Can you imagine us with kids? Really?" She asked, a far off look in her eyes.
"They'd have your freckles, and my winning personality." He teased.
She turned to face him for a moment as she questioned him, her humor disguised as seriousness.
"So what you are saying is that they would be adorable little demons?"
He laughed loudly and Aaron stirred in the backseat as he clapped one hand over his mouth. Their kids would be trouble. Of that he was certain.
"You're right. Maybe I should find safer DNA." He suggested as Aaron settled back into his seat again.
"Maybe. Though even if you found yourself a quiet little mouse, I think your overbearing DNA would still cause you trouble. You'd need a stronger personality to balance it out." She explained. He thought she had a very valid point, his kids would be screwed no matter what. Except that with Kate he found some kind of balance. Some kind of inner peace.
Stronger personality and all.
"Okay, I'm sold. When do you want to get started?" He asked, unclear on if he was still teasing her or not.
"How about we get the kids home first? Let Claire and Ian come home? Oh I don't know, live our lives?" She tossed his suggestion off, like he meant for her to do. They couldn't really have kids together, they were just playing house. When the situation changed and real life set back in, then he would realize how much better his life was without the complications.
Still, it surprised him that her casual disregard stung... just a little.
"Spoilsport. You promised me a torrid affair."
"Poor baby. Your life is so hard." She mocked him with a soothing tone.
"Hey, I remember you naked. It's no wonder it's hard." The words flew out of his mouth before he could stop them. He only had himself to blame for it. For dwelling so long on those thoughts. For wondering what if. For fantasizing about her again.
"Sawyer!" She objected with a harsh intake of air.
"Too shocking to hear? Not too soft now, am I?" He smirked, pushing the envelope. She really was to hard too resist.
"There are kids in the backseat." She continued to object.
"They're sleeping. I don't remember you being so puritanical." He continued to taunt.
"I'm not. I just don't want to explain to Claire why Aaron suddenly has a much broader understanding of intimate interactions." She was blushing, her skin a light pink in the moonlight that streamed through the windows.
"Sweet cheeks, he has no clue what that means. You're being paranoid, and while that shade of red is adorable on you, there is no need to worry about it." He soothed, his voice low and dangerous.
"Shut up. It's not funny." She pouted, suddenly very interested in the idea of intimate interactions between the two of them. Damn him and his incorrigible nature.
"It is, but I can see I won't be getting those 2.5 kids from you at this rate." He decided to let it slide.
"Or any rate." She added for good measure.
"Eh, I already got the dog. I think I could probably work something out." That sly smile back in place, she rolled her eyes, knowing that if he really wanted to try something she was defenseless against it.
"In your dreams."
When they arrived back at Claire's they both took a kid and separated to get them ready for bed. Jane went down faster than Aaron did and Kate slipped into the guest room to slip back into her pajamas. She had just pulled her cami over her head when there was a light knock on the door.
"Come in." She called out lightly.
"Hey, Aaron's down for the night." Sawyer said as he opened the door and entered the room.
"Thanks." Kate sighed as she sat down on the edge of the bed.
"You got an upgrade." Sawyer noted, sitting down next to her.
"Claire thought a twin bed was too small. It's her house."
It was her last night here. Sawyer had done a good job with keeping her mind off of that fact until the conversation on the drive home. Talk of being a parent always led her mind back to the time when she was a parent. Which always left her feeling empty.
"I see. You ok?" He asked after a moment.
"Yeah, I just... It's hard to stay here. I didn't think it would be so hard every time. I mean, tomorrow I go home and he stays here. I know I'll see him again, that he will always be in my life. But part of me wants to be sleeping in the other room. Part of me wants to be the one who gets him breakfast in the morning, drops him off at school. I don't know..." She sighed and flopped back down on the bed, her shirt riding up to expose a thin sliver of her stomach.
"You did the right thing." He offered softly, his gaze lost on the skin of her navel.
"I know." She didn't sound like she believed it though. Or maybe it was just her regret at believing it and knowing it didn't change anything.
He settled on the bed next to her, propping himself on his elbow as he traced a finger along her jawline, directing her eyes to his.
"Doesn't make it any easier." She nodded and sat up. He sat up as well. " You know, having a broken heart just means you tried for something. Sometimes we just don't get to keep it." He offered softly.
Smiling she rested her head on his shoulder. Sometimes he knew just what to say.
"You're staying tonight, right?" She asked and he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.
"How else am I going to get those 2.5 kids?" He teased.
She slugged him and reached behind her, grabbing the edge of the comforter she started to tug it down.
"I'll just go make myself comfortable on the couch." He said as he stood.
"Hold off on those 2.5 kids and I'll let you stay here." She smiled, grabbing his hand.
"Are you offering to share a bed?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Well, I wouldn't want to let the bed go to waste. Claire did invest an awful lot in it, and we are both adults." She raised one of her own.
"It's not like we haven't shared a bed before." He justified.
"That couch is murder on your back, especially for someone your age." She teased.
"What's with your new fascination with my age? You like older men?" He asked as he climbed off the bed and walked around to the other side, slipping his jeans off smoothly as he toed off his shoes.
"Come to bed, Grandpa." She purred.
"You know that was in no way sexy, right?" He asked as he settled in next to her.
"Look at you, Sherlock. Nothing gets past you, does it?"
"I try."