CHAPTER 21 – The Present & the Past

The days seemed to go by in a blissful haze. T-Mobile, true to their word, sent the first year's payment and quickly began construction of the tower and utility building on the northeast corner of the Sully property. Sully watched the progress from time to time but didn't really feel the need to ramrod the situation as he and the foreman of T-Mobile's crew hit it off immediately, and Sully felt assured that they wouldn't exceed the boundaries or do unnecessary damage as they worked.

The county had immediately lived up to their bargain and the civil defense siren had gone up in a matter of a few days. Sully did, however, keep a close eye on the crew after one of the men blatantly flirted with Michaela right in front of him when they had visited the worksite the first day on horseback. Michaela had gently fussed at her husband later for barking a warning at the man, but in truth, it never failed to make her feel cherished and wanted each time Sully displayed a little jealousy – which was something David had never done.

Sully and Cloud Dancing, along with Matthew, had set to work on the family's swimming pond improvements. Within two weeks, they had the girls' changing/storage shed built and were well on the way to finishing the lounging deck. During that time Matthew, who had become quite the capable horseman, handled the family's riding customers nearly on his own.

Michaela had put her foot down about the youngsters helping with the construction after Brian fell in the deep end and needed to be rescued, much to Sully's utter horror. In the spirit of the mom on Swiss Family Robinson, she declared that she, the girls, and Brian would not set foot there again until everything was complete.

Michaela had bouts of busy times at the clinic when she felt worn to a frazzle, interspersed with times of absolutely no patients at all. She actually disliked those times more, as it gave her too much time for ruminating over the fact that – despite her and Sully's very vigorous baby-making sex life – she had as yet not found herself in 'the family way.'

One day near the end of July, she sat down on the porch swing to enjoy a rare breeze as she allowed her long flowing hair to dry, and thought back over the past few weeks. For some reason, the day her monthly resumed rose to the forefront of her mind, along with the feeling of disappointment that accompanied it.

Thoroughly relaxed as the soft scent of honeysuckle wafted gently past, she closed her eyes and let the memory play like a movie in her head...

That night as she and Sully prepared for bed and she sat at her vanity brushing her hair, Sully had come into their room after locking up for the night. Having taken his shower earlier, he saw that she had as well as she was wearing one of her honeymoon robes, a smooth lavender creation that shimmered in the lamplight. He grinned rakishly at her, his mind on some very satisfying late night activities.

Crossing the room to stand behind her, he took the brush from her hand and began pulling it gently through the long tresses. Within moments their eyes met in the mirror and he leaned down, smoothing her hair and the lace edge of the robe out of the way and pressing his lips to her shoulder and the curve of her neck, his eyes locked on hers as he silently communicated his desires and intentions. She pressed her lips together and dropped her eyes from his. His brow furrowed, not having expected this response at all.

"Hey...somethin' wrong sweetheart?"

Her eyes met his again in the mirror. Hating to have to voice the reason, she began, "Not wrong, exactly...just...disappointing."

His eyes searched hers for a moment and the reason suddenly became clear to him. His expression softened knowingly and he gently wrapped his arms around her from the back, softly pressing his cheek to hers. "You got your monthly...right?" he murmured quietly.

Michaela blushed slightly at his forthrightness, still not quite used to the way her husband could blatantly discuss such personal matters so easily. Lowering her eyes again, she whispered, "Yes."

He drew in a deep breath and nodded, pressing a gentle kiss to her cheek. "I know what you're thinkin'. You were kinda holdin' out hope...weren't ya..."

She nodded and chuckled softly. "Silly, isn't it?"

"No. I guess I kinda was, too."

She lifted her eyes to his in the mirror again and he turned her toward him as he knelt by her side.

"So...this is the first time since we married...I don't even know how yours are...I mean...what are they like for you?"

She smiled and chuckled again, softly shaking her head in amazement at the love, care and understanding her husband lavished upon her. She'd never known a man like him before – indeed, she hadn't thought there was such a man! "They usually last about five days...the first two rather..." She hesitated pointedly and he nodded in total understanding.

"So...I guess tonight's out then...right?" he asked softly, raising his eyebrows in question.

"Unfortunately...I'm cramping quite a bit," she answered softly, blushing again at talking about such a personal subject with a man. She would never have even tried to discuss such a thing with David. Her father, as a physician, was the only man she had ever discussed the subject with in the past, and even that was in general medical terms.

He stood and gently drew her to her feet, wrapping his arms around her for a warm, loving hug. "Do ya need anything from the store? Can I get ya somethin' that would help?" he asked softly, hating to think of her in pain.

She pulled back and looked up at him in amazement. "You'd do that? Go to the store for me...for that?"

His brow furrowed, not understanding her surprise. "Sure. I did for Abby, more than once..." he paused, seeing a flash of something in his wife's beautiful eyes. "What...?" he questioned.

Caught in the act, she couldn't deny her feelings. Lowering her gaze to his chest, she raised her hands from his sides to play with the material of his t-shirt. "Oh I...I don't know...I guess I have your marriage to...Abby...compartmentalized in my mind as totally...unhappy and incompatible. The thought of you loving her...doing things for her...making love with her," she added the last in a whisper and paused with a slight shudder. "I know it's silly...maybe I'm just feeling extra emotional right now, but...I felt a stab of white hot jealousy rip through me when you said that," she admitted, catching her lip between her teeth.

Looking up into his eyes, so vibrantly blue in the soft lamp light, she added before he could answer, "I know, I know...the poor woman is...no longer even alive...but the thought of you loving someone else...I...I just..." she stumbled to a halt and turned away again, not even sure herself anymore what she was trying to say.

He drew in a breath, knowing he needed to tread carefully, and placed a gentle finger under chin, turning her face and eyes back to his. "I know what ya mean...and I feel that way too." At her look, he continued, "You think I don't? Sweetheart, if you could've heard my thoughts in that doctor's office when I had to stand there and listen to you describe your sex life with...I don't even wanna say the jerk's name."

Michaela blushed a little, remembering the awkward scene.

"You're mine now...and the thought of another man touching you...like that...it sets my teeth on edge," Sully admitted softly.

Now that they were on this subject, Michaela decided to voice a question she had longed to ask since she first met this wonderful man who was now her husband.

"Sully I...I just can't understand why she...did what she did," she began. "You are without a doubt the most incredibly sweet, gentle, patient, kind, trustworthy, gorgeous, sensual man I've ever known. How could she not...want..." she paused, searching for the right words.

"How could she not want me?" he finished for her. Pausing, he decided right then to tell his wife the whole sordid story, mainly to help settle in her mind that he never, ever, thought of his ex-wife in any capacity, but especially not in that way. To make sure Michaela knew she had no reason at all to be jealous of the memory of that woman.

"I'll tell ya flat out...but I warn ya, it ain't nice and it ain't pretty," he began, taking a deep breath as he mentally prepared himself to open the door and walk back into the sordid nightmare of his previous marriage.

"To put it bluntly...she liked it rough," he stated flatly. "My... style wasn't rough enough to satisfy her." At Michaela's look of confusion, he explained further, "She always wanted me to pretend I was rapin' her...wantin' me to tie her hands...always tellin' me to spank her or slap her...S&M crap," he explained, shaking his head in remembrance. Michaela had gasped in shock when realization dawned, her eyes wide. He went on, "I tried, but I just... couldn't. She'd always sneer at me and say 'you just ain't no fun at all!'"

"Oh Sully..." she whispered, gazing at him as his eyes drifted to a point past her head.

"She used to dance around in front of me, gyratin', teasin' and I used to think she was doin' it just for me. I found out later she was doin' it for any guy in the county who'd watch her!" he ground out through his teeth.

Slipping momentarily back to those horrible days, he continued softly, "God, I can't even put into words what it felt like to see her up there on that stage, writhing on that pole, men groping at her as she laughed, having a high ol' time. I watched her go down on her knees in front of a guy, she was wearin' next to nothin', and she turned her head and saw me. The expression in her eyes then," he paused, shuddering, "I finally saw the real her – like she was evil...and like she hated me." He shut his eyes as he recalled the awful night. "It made me feel dirty... used...the thought that I had been with somebody like that..." he paused again, swallowing thickly as bile tried to rise in this throat, trying to put into words his feelings from so long ago.

"I wanted to go wash myself in bleach or somethin'. It made me so sick, I bolted outta that place, shovin' guys outta the way as they laughed at me, and ended up on my knees in the grass by the side of the building, pukin' my guts out till I had nothin' left in me."

Michaela instinctively knew that he needed to get it out once and for all, so she remained silent, just holding him tightly as tears welled up in her eyes for the anguish this precious man had gone through.

"I don't know how long I was out there," he continued softly. "But as I sat there, I started to get mad. 'She's my wife!' I told myself. So I got up and marched back inside. When I went in the door, she was talking to Hank and turned to look at me, then she marched over to me," he murmured as he related the details of the worst night of his life...

"What are you doin' here, Sully?"

"What are YOU doin' here?"

"You shouldn't be here."

"Well NEITHER SHOULD YOU!" He exploded in rage. "Come on, I'm takin' you home," he said, grabbing her wrist to drag her out of there. She yanked it away, snarling at him.

"I ain't goin' home with you! You're suffocating me! I ain't going back to that stupid homestead in the sticks and be your docile little wife anymore!" She practically spit the words at him, wild-eyed with anger.

"What are you sayin'?" He asked, her words slicing his heart to ribbons.

"I'm leaving you Sully. I'm going with the man I love – he understands me – he accepts me how I am – he gives me what I need."

Sully exploded in rage, yelling, "Well you ain't takin' Hannah!"

"I don't want Hannah – I don't wanna be saddled with some kid!"

He finished and shook his head in amazement.

"Can you believe a mother would say such a thing – and about a child as precious as Hannah?" he asked incredulously, finally bringing his eyes back to her face. What he saw snapped him totally out of the horrible memory and thoroughly warmed his heart.

Rendered utterly speechless by his disclosure, his precious Michaela was standing there in his arms with silent tears flowing from her eyes as she felt his pain and shared his anger. She wished she had the words to convey the depth of her emotions, but she needn't have worried, as he had no trouble reading her heart.

"Oh mé'oo'o," he whispered as he folded her in his embrace, breathing in the sweet clean scent of her hair and marveling once again at the gargantuan difference between the other two females in his life...Cynthia and Abby – and this precious gem. And precious she was! He vowed to himself once again that he would move heaven and earth to make her happy, that he would do anything, go anywhere, climb the highest mountain, swim the deepest sea – anything at all, if it meant keeping her safe and warm...and loving him as she was at that moment.

"Michaela..." he murmured ever so softly. "Sweetheart...do you see now...you need never feel one tiny ounce of jealousy over anything to do with...her," he said, refusing to even say her name again.

She sniffled and wiped tears from her face, turning her head to kiss his cheek lovingly. "Yes, I see...and the same goes for you, Sully. I never think of...him...for the same reason. Memories of him fill me with disgust and heartache..."

Sully pulled back a bit and touched his forehead to hers as they both paused to let their emotions settle back down, relishing being together as they stood within the circle of each other's arms. "Well...since we can't...try for a baby tonight...you wanna read some of the journal?" he asked softly.

Michaela nodded with a soft smile, ever so grateful for her wonderful husband, his reaction in stark contrast to David's sarcasm early in their marriage if he couldn't 'have it' when he wanted it.

Sully motioned for her to go ahead and get into bed while he turned off the lights, except the bedside lamp. She removed her silky robe to reveal a shorty nightgown Sully hadn't seen before and climbed in as he retrieved the journal from his top bureau drawer.

"Pretty," he complimented and she grinned her thanks at him as he climbed in his side by the wall. He sat back, making himself comfortable against the headboard and drew her to him.

"So...where should we read tonight?" he asked, carefully opening the delicate volume.

Michaela hesitated for a moment, then responded softly, "I think now, I would like to read about Michaela...losing her baby."

Sully's eyes widened for a moment, but quickly understood her reasoning. He knew that his Michaela gained strength and courage from reading how her ancestor triumphed over adversities.

He nodded and squeezed her to him with a whispered, "okay," then helped her turn the pages until they found the area of the entries. Michaela began to read aloud:

August 3, 1872

Once again, I am sitting here alone in the bed Sully so lovingly crafted for me...missing him. I ache for him, and it is times like this...so late at night, the children asleep and the house quiet, that the ache inside me mushrooms until it threatens to consume my entire being. Sully! I miss you so much! Not only are you a fugitive and must stay away from me under threat of capture by the army, now you are away with Cloud Dancing, talking to the tribes in Indian Territory as you try to work toward peace. At least when you were in the cave we could steal precious moments together...

I try so hard to be strong and stay confident...but YOU are MY strength. Oh Sully, as I told you before we even married, it frightens me just how much I need you. Now my greatest fear – that something would take you from me – has happened! I can't seem to fully function without you - I'm not sleeping well...I'm anxious and nervous...to the point where I've begun to I fear I will make a mistake with a patient while preoccupied. Oh how I hate this situation! I hate the army always underfoot, watching every move I make! Sometimes I feel absolutely suffocated!

Oh my sweet husband, I can't believe the children and I are actually hoping you will receive a 'reduced' prison sentence! My heart simply cannot accept that! The agony of waiting for an answer from Sergeant McKay is taking its toll on me. Threat of Indian attack has everyone in town constantly on edge. And now...in the midst of all this turmoil, my life practically upside down...I realized today that I may be pregnant. Oh Sully! I want to tell you so badly! I want to see the joy in your eyes and feel you swing me around in your arms as you did when I told you about Katie. I want YOU to be the first to know... but already Grace and Dorothy suspect and are pushing me to see a doctor.

Where are you, my love? Can't you feel how much I need to talk to you, to hold you, to feel your arms around me?

Michaela paused in the narrative as tears filled her eyes and made it difficult to see the words.

"Oh Sully...I feel her loneliness...her desperation as she called out for him. No wonder she lost the baby...the stress of the situation, worry of the outcome, having to handle all the responsibilities of the household and the pressure of the army's constant presence, I don't see how she even lived through all she did."

Sully drew her closer to his side. "She was a strong woman, Michaela...just like you."

"Oh Sully...I'm not strong like that," she immediately refuted, shaking her head as she wiped tears from her face.

"You traveled all the way from Boston with three kids to start your life over in a brand new place – ya didn't know anybody here, but you settled right in and..."

"And I was scared and unsure of myself, afraid I would make a mistake..."

He smiled lovingly and argued softly, "When I got bit by that rattler, you kept your head and got me back to the clinic, and took care of the problem. When..."

"Sully..." she interrupted, "If Cloud Dancing had not been with us...had not brought me to my senses..."

Sully chuckled, seeing that she was determined to argue. "Okay, okay. You ready to read more...or have you had enough for tonight..."

"No, we can read more...I'm alright now," she assured him, reaching for a tissue and wiping her nose before finding her place on the page.

August 5, 1872

Tonight I can write of one bright spot in my universe...well, actually two – Dorothy and I managed to persuade the others in town, namely Hank, Jake and Loren, that we should proceed with Founder's Day and the other is...I asked Andrew to examine me and he confirmed my suspicion...I AM going to have a baby! When I told Matthew and Brian tonight, they were so very happy and supportive and Matthew said the sweetest thing. "Nothing's so sweet as the sound of a new baby around the house."

I received a telegram today that the army rejected our appeal and that if they find Sully, they plan to prosecute him to the fullest extent. Although it makes me miss Sully even more, with him in hiding and our future so uncertain...this pregnancy somehow helps me to believe that we WILL have a future together. As I napped at my desk today, I had the clearest dream of the baby I'm carrying...a boy, fully grown and handsome...the spitting image of his father...blue eyes...honey colored hair...dimpled grin.

I can't wait to tell Sully! He'll be so happy! I refuse to even entertain the possibility that Sully has left me with another baby...to remember him by...

"Oh Sully! I can't believe this! Here she is thinking that her baby is a boy that would look just like her Sully..." Michaela whispered.

Sully pulled her closer to him, rocking her in his arms. "Hey hey...pull back a little here...remember, you didn't miscarry, sweetheart...and we're gonna have us a baby – or two or three. Just think...we've got a whole lot of sure-fire ways that's gonna help us!" he teased, "And I sure ain't gonna let you sweep under any of the beds!" he added and was rewarded with the feeling of her body shaking softly with chuckles. He grinned in satisfaction.

She pulled back and smiled at him. "Yes, of course, you're right sweetheart."

"C'mon, I looked down at the next paragraph and she's talkin' about something called 'Founder's Day'."

Michaela found the place and continued.

Instead I'm going to focus my thoughts on this coming Founder's Day – and the "Memorabilia Chest" that Dorothy wants to make. She read in the Denver paper that small towns are making trunks that they intend to bury for future generations to know what life was like in the west in the nineteenth century. Already, however, debate has begun over what will be put inside to represent our town to the people who find it in the future. I'm thinking of putting in one of Cloud Dancing's medicine bags...and maybe an instrument from my clinic. I believe they're going to ask Robert E. to make the trunk. If he does, I know it will be a fine one indeed, as he does such quality work.

"A Memorabilia Chest? That's interestin'. I wonder if they really did do it. Keep readin'," Sully murmured.

Michaela silently read a bit of the next entry and sucked in a breath. "Oh Sully...here it is...dated four days later..."

August 9, 1872

It is with monumental sadness that I record these words tonight. After just getting used to the idea of the joy of having another baby with my sweet husband...it was cruelly ripped from me, quite literally. The night after the last entry, I barely made it home from town and up to our room when the horrible pain began, tearing through my abdomen with a ferocity that took my breath away. I didn't want to subject the boys to the sight and after the pain started I knew it was too late for Andrew to do anything to stop it... So I spent most of the night miscarrying my precious little one, crying for Sully, crying for the baby...crying for me.

By the morning, it was over and I was exhausted. I asked Brian to draw me a hot bath...and I sat and cried until the water was ice cold, aching to feel my husband's arms around me, wishing I could hear him tell me, "It's alright, I'm here, I've got ya, everything's gonna be alright." But all I felt was empty and alone. All I heard was deafening silence. I feel such a sadness pushing down on me. I'm in mourning...but the worst part is not having anyone to talk about it with.

Michaela turned her eyes to her husband's and their gazes locked.

"Oh man, it must 'ave just about killed Sully when he found out!" Sully whispered. "I know how bad I felt just for not goin' to the doctor with ya...I don't know how I'd handle somethin' like that..." he added, feeling more empathy for his namesake than he ever had before.

Scanning through the next few pages, Michaela couldn't find any reference to telling Sully, only entries about the progress of his appeal and telegrams she sent, conversations with Sergeant McKay and things happening in the town. Sully evidently remained away for quite awhile.

"Poor guy," Sully lamented, "I bet he beat himself up when he finally found out..."

Flipping back to the entry about losing the baby, Michaela continued reading:

Tonight before I came upstairs, after telling the boys I didn't feel like attending the Founder's Day picnic, Matthew suggested I put into the Memorabilia Chest the shingle Sully carved for me, he said, "So that folks will know there was a lady doctor around here." As he said goodnight to me he said, "Goodnight... Ma." I nearly dissolved in tears...it was the sweetest thing he could have said to me.

August 11, 1872

I want to start tonight by thanking God for friends. Dorothy and Grace are the best friends I've ever had – even more so than Miriam. Those two sweet ladies came all the way out to the homestead to check on me while the Founder's Day picnic was in progress. When they first showed up, I admit I was a little put out...but they were just the medicine I needed. They talked with me...and Dorothy told me of having two miscarriages of her own...and they cried with me and listened to me go on and on about the baby and Sully, and the baby and Katie, and Sully again – and never tired of it. They let me talk out the hurt until I could finally breathe again. Tonight I feel as though I am on the road to recovery. I think I will make another visit to Andrew, get him to check me.

"Well, I'm glad she had someone to help her start to heal."

"Yeah," Sully agreed, nodding.

"I wonder where Sully was all that time...I thought they had a connection – like us...couldn't he feel that she needed him?" Michaela asked her husband thoughtfully.

He pursed his lips in thought, remembering the many times he had instantly 'felt' that Michaela was upset or in fear. "I don't know," he now conceded. "That is strange...maybe he did, but he ignored the feelings...you know, pushed 'em away cause he was too far away to get to her, and later, after she calmed down some, the feelings weren't as strong so he just went on with what he was doin'."

"I suppose..." she answered him, thoughtfully hoping that he...her soul mate...would never push away feelings of her pain or fear. She thought about David's devastating phone call the morning of her and Sully's marriage...and Sully's instant awareness of her upset. He was the only one she was able to draw comfort from...

"Michaela?"

She blinked several times as her surroundings came back into focus and she realized she was sitting on the porch swing and Sully was kneeling in front of her.

"You okay sweetheart?" he asked with concern.

She took in a deep cleansing breath, shaking the last of the memories away and focusing on her handsome, virile husband gazing at her with such true and deep devotion. She never tired of gazing into his eyes, as they were just then, bright sunlight making them appear even more vibrant blue than usual. They never failed to cause a physical sensation to rumble deep within her being.

"Yes...yes, I was just...thinking," she murmured as he rose and sat down beside her on the swing.

"Musta been some heavy thoughts," he teased, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as he pulled her close to his side.

"Yes...I'm glad you pulled me out of them," she teased back, smiling sweetly up into his face. He leaned in for a soft but thorough kiss.

"Where were you earlier?" she asked, having noticed his truck was gone when she had come out on the porch.

"Loren's, ta pick up a few things," he answered, and then chuckled softly.

"What's funny?" she asked, tilting her head back on his shoulder as she gazed at his handsome profile. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out two small bottles containing capsules of herb mixtures.

"Loren sidled up to me in the store, slipped these in my pocket and mumbled something about fertility before he scurried off – his face was beet red," he chuckled again.

"My goodness! Does everyone know now?" she gasped as she took the bottles from him to read the ingredients.

"Female Fertility Mixture: Black Cohosh, Dong Quai, Evening Primrose, Red Raspberry Leaf, Chaste Berry, I've never even heard of some of these," she chuckled.

Reading from the second bottle, "Male Fertility Mixture:Maritime Pine Bark, Saw Palmetto, Alfalfa, Black Haw, Cayenne, Cramp Bark, Lady's Mantle, Motherwort...False Unicorn?" She asked, chuckling as she read, "False Unicorn is thought to specifically help with male impotence issues. Ginseng. Ginseng is believed to help increase levels of testosterone and may help with both sperm count and sperm motility," she paused, glancing at her extremely virile husband. "Sully...you definitely do not have a problem with impotence or low testosterone..."

Sully chuckled again, grinning in pleasure at his wife's compliment of his sexual prowess, "But, I guess it couldn't hurt..."

"Mmm, I don't know...I think I'll do a little internet research before we subject our bodies to...well...to who knows what," she returned. "Something that could do more harm than good."

"You're the doctor," he grinned with a wink.

"Yes, lucky for you!" she quipped in return.

Sully leaned in for a soft kiss. "Mmm, I'll say I'm lucky...and not just cause you're a doc..." he murmured flirtatiously as she chuckled softly.

"How 'bout we slip upstairs for a little Afternoon Delight..." he whispered in her ear.

Instantly she began feeling those oh so familiar tingles. Pressing a soft kiss to his cheek and breathing in a hint of the aftershave he used that morning, visions of 'Afternoon Delight' swam through her mind and she pictured them racing each other up the stairs. "Sounds like a plan..." she began - only to be interrupted by the girls chasing Brian around the corner of the house.

"Mom! Brian stole my camera!" Hannah complained as the girls caught up to their errant brother.

"I did not! I just wanna borrow it for a minute," the little boy replied, out of breath.

The interrupted lovers cast a last glance at each other. Michaela murmured, "Hold that thought," as together they rose to sort out their children's disagreement, each thinking Ahh, the joys of parenthood!

A few minutes later, the lovers had just turned back to each other for a warm flirtatious hug when Sully's cell phone rang and glancing at it, he answered. Listening for a moment, his eyes met those of his wife who was gazing up at him, eyebrows raised in question.

"Yeah sure. I'll be right there," he told the person on the phone, flipping it shut.

"That was Robert E. He and the Reverend need my help with somethin' over at the church," he explained as he stood up. Hating to leave her right then, he added, "Wanna come?"

She smiled and nodded. "Let me get some shoes on."

A few minutes later the two climbed into Sully's pickup and headed over to their friends, not a thought in the world of what they were about to see.