"I want something that lasts forever, you just want a quick fix.
I'm looking for something to blow my cover, you don't want to take a risk.
I guess this is goodbye.
I want something that lasts forever, you just want a shallow hit
I want someone that feels like home, when you were young you ran away.
I want to get back to the place I know, you just want to fake a name.
I guess this is goodbye.
I want someone that feels like home, you just want to play your games."
~The Daylights, "Quick Fix" (Album Version)

April 1993

"You know, you should really think about moving uptown. Coming to meet you would be a lot easier if you just broke down and lived on the Upper West Side."

Grace turned to face him as she walked out of the kitchen with two coffee mugs in hand. She didn't want to be alone tonight, not after witnessing that kiss. With her thoughts starting to suffocate her, she picked up the phone and dialed Will's number, hoping he could be the one to save her. And when he said that Michael was working late tonight, he hung up the phone and hailed a cab to the Village. Now, she cracked a small smile—the biggest one she could manage—handed Will his coffee and sighed at his comment.

"I can't do it. I'm close to everything I love here. Well, the places, anyway. The Upper West Side to me is like what Times Square is to tourists; it's nice to visit, every once and a while, but there's no way in hell that you could stay there permanently. Besides, uptown Manhattan and I have had some bad history, as of late."

Silence. She couldn't go any further. Grace never told him about her relationship with Karen. She knew he probably wouldn't remember the Valentine's Day when they ran into her at the restaurant. But she did. She remembered the dread of having been found out, she remembered the reasons why she didn't want to tell him how she knew Karen. Maybe now that so many years have gone by since that night, since that fated Thanksgiving, it wouldn't be so bad if she let it slip. Maybe he would find it funny, how fate twists and turns like that.

"Something's weighing on your mind. I can feel it."

She didn't realize how long they had gone without speaking until he said that. She looked at him, but still kept quiet, not sure how to proceed. This was an opening; if she was going to tell him all about it, now would be the time. He continued. "I've been worried about you, Grace. I haven't heard from you in about two weeks. I've called, but you're never in, or if you are, you don't bother to pick up. And if it had to do with relationship issues, you would have told me, so of course I've been making whatever's up with you out to be worse than it probably is. I wish you would just tell me what's been going on."

This is it, Grace. Cleanse your soul. Tell the truth.

"I've sort of been seeing someone." She could see his lips curve into a smile, and it killed her. Before he could say anything else, before he could say how happy he was that she found someone, effectively making what she wanted to say harder to spill, she rushed to get her next sentence out. "But not anymore. Don't get too excited, I can see it in your eyes. It didn't really mean anything at all, I guess." She shivered at the sound of those words. But in effect, it was true.

"Well, what happened? You didn't love him?" Grace wanted to laugh at that question, Will automatically assuming that it was a man she was involved with. There was no reason to suspect otherwise; she gave no hint toward the Sapphic life she had been living for years, not out of shame and embarrassment, but out of protection for the women involved. She knew she was eventually going to have to tell someone, and that someone would likely by Will, but she never planned it out. She always thought that she would have plenty of time, and Karen's help, on her side. But things never worked out like she planned.

"Not exactly. She decided that she didn't want to leave her boyfriend."

If it were any other situation, the look on Will's face would have been priceless, something to have a small laugh over. The surprise in his eyes made her want to smile, but the situation she was about to fill him in on was far from happy. After the initial shock, Will got his wits together and spoke. "Don't get me wrong," he said softly, resting his hand on her shoulder. "It's not the fact that it's another woman. You're talking to me, you know I have nothing against it. It's the fact that she is already with another man. How did this even happen, Grace? It's not like you to willingly take the role of the other woman."

"You really want the truth?" she asked. Grace watched him nod. She sighed. "That Thanksgiving during college when you came out to me? I met her outside the bar that was near campus. I was going through our thing, she found out that he was married. He got a divorce from his wife eventually, not like it matters. She found me outside, we got to talking, she took me to another bar, we had a few drinks, and we ended up sleeping together. I was still really pissed at you, and…I don't know, Will, she made me feel so good. And I thought it was just going to be that one night, but there were a few years after that where we would hook up on and off. Then almost a year ago, we decided that we were going to try to make it work as a relationship. And it was perfect, Will, it really was. She spent nearly two weeks here, living with me while her boyfriend was away on business, and she was going to move in with me. She was going to leave him. But I saw her with him, and they kissed, and…" she started to tear up, her voice cracking slightly. "And it's over."

"Oh, sweetie…" Will pulled Grace into his arms. "You really loved her, didn't you?" He could feel Grace nodding against his chest, and he wrapped his arms tighter around her body.

"I was nothing more than a quick fix," she said, her voice slightly muffled by the fabric of Will's shirt. "Even before we decided to make it legitimate…well, as legitimate as we could make it. I never had her number until maybe five years after we met, so I always relied on her to call. And she would wait months sometimes to call. It was like she only fooled around with me to fix her own mood, and then she could go right back to her pretty little life with him. Stan." She felt his name spill from her lips, and it tasted horrible. "But that was all. I've been her quick fix for eight years."

She didn't want to think that that was Karen's motives for being with her. There was too much evidence against that. And she wanted nothing more than to make a lasting run at this. But then, she didn't expect Karen to openly show a love for Stan that supposedly wasn't there anymore. How long had that been going on, anyway? It was the first time Grace saw it, but that didn't mean it was the first time it happened while they were a couple. Maybe everything Karen had said was for show. Maybe all the things that she blamed on Stan weren't real to begin with. Or maybe they were exaggerated, so when Karen called Grace up and they slept together, or they kissed, or they acted like a couple, it wouldn't seem so scandalous. Maybe Grace really was a quick fix, something to make Karen feel better, something that was only called upon when there was nothing else to do. She hated to think that about Karen. But truthfully, it was valid. She was so willing, so capable to cheat on Stan.

What made Grace think that Karen wouldn't go behind her back?

"I know it's hard to hear," Will said after a few moments of silence, "but at least you found all of this out before she moved in. If she still loved this Stan guy, and you were living with her, it would have hurt more to find out further down the road than it hurts you now. You'll get back on your feet. You'll find someone else. You'll forget all about her. And I'll be there to help you along the way."

"I'm sorry," she said softly. She looked up at him, locked eyes, and saw the confusion in his face. "I like to think that I'm a good person. This didn't make me a good person. I almost caused the destruction of another relationship. And in the end, I have nothing to show for it. I'll be better next time."

Will lifted her chin and kissed her cheek. "It's not you. You are such a good-hearted person. It's her."

And as much as she didn't want to, Grace started to believe it.

Will left, but the thoughts wouldn't walk out the front door. Will left, but she had to stay. Will left, but nothing changed. She was alone, she had lost control. Grace grabbed her purse and fished out a pack of cigarettes she kept around just in case Karen finished her last drag and had a craving afterward. She lit one up and watched the orange glow of the tip brighten as she inhaled, closed her eyes as she held the smoke in her lungs. The smell of cigarettes always made her think of Karen, and she knew that it always will. And even if she was betrayed by the woman she loved, at least the scent that slowly permeated the apartment would comfort her; this intangible thing could not hurt her.

The phone rang, and she was in no hurry to pick it up. She figured it would be Will, checking up on her, just to see if she was okay tonight. After the third ring, she picked up the phone and put her cigarette out. "Will, you don't need to be concerned about me, I'm going to be fine tonight," she said, forgoing the greeting and going straight to the chase.

"Grace? I think you have me mistaken for someone else." Karen's voice was smaller than she had ever heard it. And she knew that she was partly to blame for it. But she didn't necessarily care.

"Why are you calling me?" she asked bitterly.

"Please. Can you come over? I want to tell you what was going on today. Stan…he's staying at a hotel tonight, thinking things over. I just want you to know the context of what you saw. Please. I don't know what else I can do."

Karen sounded completely helpless. Suddenly, Grace realized she had control, for what felt like the first time since they met. Control over their fate, control over the end. Control over whether or not the touch would be felt.

The touch. That was it.

"I'll be right over," she said evenly. Then she hung up the phone and got ready to see Karen for what she planned on being the last time.