Chapter 21

Elise and Janet are in the living room watching television. 'Mum?' Janet mutes the TV. 'Yes love.' Janet looks at Elise and smiles. Janet can see that Elise was being serious. 'Will you sleep tonight, please? With everything that is happening this week I want you to be okay and at the moment you aren't okay. You may say you are fine and there isn't anything wrong with you but I can tell something is wrong. Something has happened today, something you haven't told me. I don't want you to tell me if it is something I don't need to know. I just want you to sleep and be happy.' Janet takes a drink from her glass of wine. She thinks and nods. 'Yeah okay love, I will get to sleep at a decent hour tonight, well better than last night. I can't promise anything though; it isn't that easy just saying I will sleep for hours, when in reality I doubt it very much.' Elise gets up from the sofa. 'Okay. I am going to bed now, I am so tired and I have a busy day tomorrow.' She leans over to Janet and gives her kiss. 'I love you.' She heads towards the door. 'I love you to love.'
With Elise going to bed, Taisie at a friend's house and her mum at a hotel with a friend, Janet's alone yet again. She didn't mind it so much this time as now she can let all of her feelings out which she had to hide from Elise, the feelings she had in the car on the way home. Janet got up to put more wine into her glass and took her phone from the kitchen table. She went and sat back down in the living room. She put her glass on the floor and started to write a text. This time she made sure it was for Rachel. 'Hello Rach, sorry I didn't come to yours this evening. Elise made me dinner and I spent the night with her, Taisie and mum are out. Also I'm sorry I left work early, Gill let me go home once I finish what I was doing. I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you all day, I've been getting ready for Geoff later this week.' She was thinking about whether to mention what had happened between her and Andy or just let Rachel mention it and tell her then. She looked over the text and began to think again, what if Rachel didn't ask what happened, what if she didn't care, what if she hadn't even noticed Janet was gone. All of these were rushing around in her head. She went onto the menu and sent the text to Rachel.
Janet didn't need any entertainment or distractions from what had previously happened. She knew what she had just done, she knew that it was the only thing she could have done. It didn't make her feel any better about it all, having the guilt of what has happened, knowing she has hurt someone that likes her for who she is that always have done, that has never been a secret. There isn't anything she can do now. Everything is out in the open. There is no way she can go back to Ade after what he did to her, she can't go to Andy for more than one reason; she moved quickly into that relationship when she wasn't really ready and she doesn't think he will go back to her after everything she said to him, when in reality it isn't that bad, not as bad as what she had said to Ade. Janet felt that she only had herself to blame. She was the one that wasn't ready. She was the one that made Ade do what she did to her, like Ade would say 'If you didn't give me a reason to do it then I wouldn't.' Of course Janet knew that was a load of shit but she still felt responsible for what he would do to her.
Janet picked her drink up and took a sip, her phones goes off on the sofa. With the glass still pushed up against her lips she begins to read the text from Rachel. 'Hello Jan. Its fine, don't worry about it. You most probably need to be in your own home and bed over the next few days. I noticed you went and then I noticed you didn't come back. I didn't know you were going home, I thought you were going out to do something for Gill, I was going to text you but my battery went flat. Its fine that we haven't spoken much, how are you?' Janet once again put her glass on the floor. This is an open opportunity for Janet to tell Rachel the whole story. She took a deep breath and began to start the text. 'I did come back, only later at about 6. Gill said you were out or something like that. Whilst I was talking to her I sort of had a little bit of an emotional breakdown. It wasn't awful, I just began shouting and swearing. How I usually get, you know? We sorted it out and we are fine now. On my home I stopped off at Andy's, and I did it, it's over.' A tear rolled down her left cheek, she wiped it dragged her hand across the sofa. All she can do now is wait.
She began to properly cry. She didn't know what to do, she couldn't cry in front of Andy as that would have made the situation worse. She couldn't cry in front of Elise, she is already concerned enough that Janet couldn't put her through the extra stress and worrying. She kept quiet until now. Rachel was the only other person to know about Janet getting Andy, she is the only person who knows about why her and Ade really split up. She is now the only person that knows it is all over between them. Rachel is the first person Janet goes to when she is angry or upset. Janet can tell her anything.
It was 3am and Janet hasn't got a reply from Rachel, she decided she should go to bed. She had spent a lot of her night downstairs crying and drinking going over events in her head. She get up, turns the light off and puts her glass in the kitchen then heads up to bed.