Chapter 21 - Rules

The wind was whipping, blowing her hair into her face, the biting cold made her eyes water and she had to keep sniffling because her nose dripped from the arctic air. The sun did nothing to warm her. She did not care that she was freezing to death. It would be a much better way to go, than under the burning, consuming fire of Elliot's flaming eyes and the searing pain in her heart from the stinging remark he made about Dani. When he said her name, she nearly fell out of her chair. It had taken all she had to maintain her composure. She wanted to march over there and smack him and tell him he could have Dani Beck, for all she cared! She wasn't even out the door, yet and he was looking for her replacement. She halfway hoped Cragen would bring her back. That would seal their fate even more so than his marriage, in her book. That he would want Dani back after all of his protestations that she meant nothing to him that there was nothing between them but that one kiss.

Olivia laughed out loud to the wind. That's all there was between her and Elliot. One kiss. One lousy kiss. Okay. Okay. It was one fantastic, incredible kiss, the likes of which she had never experienced! And she was kidding herself if she thought that was all there was between them. She knew the bond between them was unlike anything she had ever known to exist, in her own life or anyone else's around her. She had been told countless times by various people how unique, how amazing their bond was. Because of its strength, its rarity, it seldom went unnoticed by those around them although most interpreted it to mean they were having an affair. That bond was there for all to see, including, his wife who was jealous of it and, rightly so.

Cragen's office had gone completely silent when Elliot asked if Beck was still around. She felt her colleagues looking at her and at one another. She was just as aware as they of the rumors about him and Dani. And they were also aware of this thing between Liv and Elliot and knew Dani was a sore subject for her. At the mention of her name, Liv had finally looked at Elliot, only to have him look at her as if he could not care less. He then looked to Captain Cragen as though he was expecting as answer. Cragen had, in turn, looked at him in disbelief over what Elliot had just asked. He cleared his throat and said that he would mix it up with Fin, Munch and Lake. He dismissed them. Cragen called out to Olivia as the crowd dispersed from his office.

"Benson. A moment please." He turned to Otero, nodding at the door. "Would you mind, Jack? This won't take long and then we'll get some lunch."

She hung back, blinking rapidly to make the tears springing to her eyes dissipate. The look he gave he was tender and compassionate. "He doesn't really want Dani back as a partner. You know that, right?"

Staring at the floor, she gave no response. "He knows what you are doing, Liv, and he's hurt. He only said that to hurt you."

She only nodded. "Olivia...look at me." She did as he requested. "I would never bring Beck back. Okay?" She nodded again as she left his office.

When they were dismissed from Cragen's office, Elliot was the first one out and he went straight to his desk and put on his jacket. She got to her desk just in time to hear him tell Munch he was meeting someone for an early lunch. He did not say a word to her. The anger and fury radiated from him and she was glad he was leaving. At least that would give her time to think about things before he came back for her. He'd come back. They always came back for the other. No matter how hurt, how angry. No matter how long it took. It was one of their many unspoken rules. She worked for almost an hour before she decided she needed a break. Not that she got much work done. It was lunch time but she was not hungry and even if she were, she would not have eaten. With that tightness in her stomach doing its thing, she would not take a chance.

Cragen had gone to lunch with Otero, Fin and Munch were on a case and Lake was at his desk going over some case files. She decided to go up to the roof. She supposed she should let Lake know.

"Hey, Chester. I'm going up top for a break. Call me if anything comes up, okay?" She was putting on her coat.

"Sure, Liv." He looked up, turned back to his file and then back to her. "Hey, who is Beck?"

She was caught off guard. "Uh..nobody." Her foot was on the first step.

"Didn't seem like 'nobody'. The whole place went quiet as a snowfall." He seemed to be mulling the events in his mind.

Olivia let out a deep sigh, and rolled her eyes. "She was Elliot's partner when I was undercover with the FBI." There she said it.

"Ohhh." He was leaning back in his chair, chewing on his pencil. He nodded his head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She demanded, her anger spiking.

"Nothing. I mean, okay. I get it now." He sat up straight in his chair, then propped his elbow on the desk and his head on his hand.

"Get what?" She knew she was snapping at him, but she could not help it. This guy could irritate her almost as quickly as Elliot.

"Must have been a babe. Stabler was interested. You came back, got jealous. That it?" He asked.

She wanted to kill him sometimes. Whatever he was thinking, just came right out of his mouth. Blunt, tactless, with total disregard for any kind of social rules that existed about inappropriate subject matter. Yet, it was always without judgement or condemnation. He put it out there like it was common knowledge. It was. She just did not like to admit it.

"You know what? I'm going up top, now." She had taken another step or two when she heard him.

"Hey, Liv? Stabler's a cookie short of a dozen, if he chose her, or anyone, over you." He was smiling. She was too, but her back remained to him as she climbed the stairs, and he never saw the smile.

It was not the best weather for hanging out on the rooftop, but at least it gave her some privacy and if she wanted, she could cry, not that she wanted to cry. She didn't. She had come to the conclusion that it did no good, so why bother. But sometimes, actually more and more, lately, the tears seemed to come of their own accord, as though they had a mind all their own. Her body had began to tremble and her teeth to chatter, when she heard the squeak of the door to the rooftop. She froze. Literally and figuratively. She knew who was there. She did not have to look. She felt him. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"You need to come in." It sounded like a command, but she knew it was a plea.

"I'm fine." She willed her body not to shake and ground her teeth so they could not chatter. She did not look at him.

"Olivia, it is 15° with the wind chill. Please." He walked toward her. "Come inside." She felt his steady gaze.

"Leave me alone, Elliot. I came out here for privacy." Still she did not look at him.

He was standing just a few feet from her, facing her right side. She could see him clearly from the corner of her eye. His hands were stuffed deep in his woolen overcoat, a blue and green muffler Lizzie had knit him was wrapped around his neck and he had a black knit beanie pulled down over his ears. He was biting his lower lip. She wanted to tell him to stop, because that would cause them to chap. But that might be construed as concern and right now she did not want him to think she cared anything about him.

"You came out here because you're running away from me. Again." Surprisingly, his voice held no anger.

"What are you talking about?" She whirled to face him.

"You expect me to believe you don't want to do that stint on the Island?" His eyes were narrow slits, but she was not sure if it was because of the wind and cold or his anger.

"You heard Otero and Cragen...it would be a matter of time before the Brass made someone do it." It was offered as an explanation, but she knew it would not satisfy him.

She did not think he suspected it had all been set up, and it made her mad that he felt like she was running. She didn't know why it made her mad that he called her on it, but it did. It was true. She was running. She had no choice.

"Yea, but maybe not you..." He looked out at the city and then back at her.

"I already have experience. You know they would have assigned me." She turned her gaze to the city, and kept it there. She was starting to shiver and shake again.

"Maybe. But it sure is coincidental that it happened now. I know you are running away from me again, Olivia. I feel it. I felt it yesterday after...after... Please, don't leave me again. I can't do this alone, Liv." He was pleading with her not to leave him, but she had to go.

She had no choice. She could not stay here in such close proximity and expect to maintain the boundaries that should still be between them. How could she be strong enough for the both of them, when she knew she could not even do it for herself?

She turned to look him in the eye. Hers flashing with fury and jealousy even as tears began to pool in them. "You won't be alone. Dani will keep you company!" Her voice was like the snarl of a wild animal.

Elliot felt as though the words she spoke were jagged, like broken glass, cutting deeply into his heart and mind. He deserved them. He would never forget the look on her face when he asked Cragen if Beck was still around. He knew he was fighting dirty, but he was so hurt that she was running again, all he could think of was how to hurt her as bad as she had hurt him. He knew any mention of Dani would do it. But he was unprepared for the anguish, the sense of betrayal, the total devastation that he saw in her huge, brown eyes. And he had put those things there. That was what he wanted until he saw it. Almost immediately, he regretted his words. The thought of the raw pain in her eyes had him searching for the nearest trash can, as he left the precinct this morning. He knew he had broken the rules of fighting fairly. He would never forgive himself for his callous words.

She started past him, but he grabbed her arm. "Liv, I...I...was trying...to...to hurt you, like you hurt me." His voice was a rasp filled with agony, his eyes pained.

Her laugh held no humor. "Mission accomplished! Now, let me go!" She demanded, violently jerking away from him, angrily wiping at tears with her left hand.

She jerked her arm out of his grip but he caught her by her right shoulder as she tried to run from him. He turned her around and roughly hauled her up against him, holding her head to his chest with his right hand and her body against his with his left arm around her waist.

"Get off me!" She screamed, loudly and angrily. She did not want him to touch her. She could not resist him if he did. She tried to hit him, to push him away, but he had pulled her too close to him.

"Olivia." His breathing was erratic. She could feel his racing heartbeat even through the layers of material between them. He was on the verge of tears. He bent his head to hers, his voice tight with emotion.

"I don't want Dani as a partner or anything else. Liv, you're the only one I want. It's you, Liv. It's always been you. Only you." A vulnerability had crept into his voice and he choked on the sobs that had lain just below the surface.

In between the kisses he was placing on the top of her head, he was stroking his hand over her hair and murmuring soothing words. Against her will, she found herself calming down, melting into his arms. Her crying became nothing more than gentle tears rolling down her face. His embrace was crushing her, but she was warm again, the rough wool of his jacket scratching her cheek. There was no doubt. She knows he loves her and she loves him and she has never felt anything like this. She has never loved anyone or been loved by anyone like this. She knows she never will again.

He held her as they cried, rocking her back and forth, comforting her and in turn, himself. He held her until they were both shaking from the cold and he knew they had to go inside.

"We better get inside before they send out a search team." He whispered against her hair.

She nodded and slowly, pulled away from him, holding his hands in hers. He wanted to kiss her, but after yesterday, he knew he should not. If he hoped to make things right, then he could not. But, he found himself bending down to do just what he promised he would not. When he was almost to her lips, she reached up and put her fingers across his, stopping him.

Her head was shaking back and forth. "This is why I have to leave, Elliot. I can't work with you, be this close to you and respect that you are married. The temptation is too much and I won't do that to myself or to you." She squeezed his hands tightly before letting them go. He followed her to the door and back to the squad room.

"Olivia. We are not finished with this. Not yet." He insisted as he watched her back disappearing down the stairs.

"Yes, we are..." She mumbled to herself. Yes, we are."

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The chime of her cell, let her know she had a text message. It was Casey wanting to know if now was an okay time to call her. Elliot was sitting at his desk, so it really was not a good time because she knew Casey would want to talk about her going to Computer Crimes again and most definitely that remark he had made about Dani Beck. She decided to go to the deli down the block for some tea. She took orders from the guys and grabbed her coat.

"Hey, Case. What time's your flight?" She pulled her collar up around her neck to block the wind.

"4:05. Can't wait to see all my family and friends. You still going with Dean to his sister's house?"

"No. I have a lot to tell you. But for now can we just do the basics and I'll fill you in later?" Olivia was chilled to the bone already.

"Sure." She had time.

"After the party, Dean stayed over, first time. Elliot came over at 6:00 in the morning. He and Dean got into it...Elliot left...I went after him...Dean was upset...

"Wait, wait! Did they like hit each other?" She wanted to know.

"Yes. Grant across the hall got them settled down. Anyway, Dean was upset that I was going after Elliot...the desk sergeant asked me if the suit ever found me...he told me Dean had come to see about the case Elliot said we had that night but really didn't...so Dean was checking up on me...he did not trust me...I found Elliot in the gym...we talked...he showered...then we talked some more. He...he...we...uh...we...uh...kissed. Oh, Casey...I have never been kissed like that. It was absolutely incredible..."

"Oh, Liv! He kissed you? I can only imagine how awesome it was after waiting eight years!"

"It was...but I knew we should not, could not be doing that...I knew then we could not keep working together. I ran from Elliot to the park. I went to see Cragen...he said they needed help in Computer Crimes on the Island and he would see what he could do. Elliot came by that evening to give me my coat I left in the locker room...Grant came over so I would not be alone with El and then he made Elliot leave and when he opened the door...Dean was there and he and I argued and then Elliot hit him four of five times, Dean never got a hit in. I told him I knew about him checking on me and that I could not have a relationship with someone who does not trust me. So, we are broken up. And that is the story of my life for the last almost 48 hours." She let out a deep breath.

"Gosh, Liv. That is some story. Can't wait to hear all the gory details. Do you know when you will start in computer crimes?"

"Not until Monday. It's going to be a good bit further to commute...I didn't even think about that until later today. I'll be having to get up earlier to make it."

"You know what? Stay at my place. It's a lot closer and that way Elliot and Dean can't keep dropping by your place unannounced. I'll be gone for two weeks, so you'll have the place to yourself. And I would love the company when I get back. It's up to you. Just in case you decide to take me up on the offer, I'll call Dave and let him know he can give you my spare key in my desk, okay?" Casey said.

"Thanks, Case! That would be great. And it might help things quiet down with Dean and Elliot. Merry Christmas!" Olivia was excited about staying at Casey's place.

"Merry Christmas, Liv! See you in two weeks...but call me if you need me!" Casey hung up.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Elliot wished he knew who had sent that text message. He heard the chime and knew what it was indicating. She had checked it, flipped her phone closed and announced she was going for tea and could she get anyone coffee or anything. How obvious could she be. He knew she was going for privacy. She was going to call whoever had sent that message. Listen to him. He was jealous of a text message with words he had not seen from an unknown source. He hated that they had gotten here. To a place where neither really shared what was going on, to a place where she felt she had seek out places to hide just to talk to a friend. Or was it Dean? Not going to think about that possibility. In the past, she would have called whoever it was and talked right there in front of him. Heck, she would have told him who it was and probably read the message to him. Things have really changed.

Why was he miffed that she did not share things with him anymore? He did not tell her that he had met Kathy at the attorney's office at lunch time. Why? He thought it was because he wanted to wait this time, until he had the final papers in his hand. Then he would tell her and hand them to her and she would know he meant everything he told her, everything he felt about her. Maybe if he had told her this morning before that meeting that he was seeing his attorney today, maybe she would have turned Otero down flat. Maybe she would not be running away again. Maybe she would not be leaving him alone. Again. Maybe half their problems could be solved if they could find a way to talk to each other once again without fighting.

Tomorrow was Christmas and he worried about what she was going to do then and tonight. She and Dean must have had plans before all that went down yesterday, but he was relatively certain they had fallen by the wayside. Casey was out of town, Simon had moved. He still could not believe she had not told him about that. She shouldn't be alone. No one should be alone on Christmas eve and Christmas day. There was not much he could do about it. In years past, she had spent a couple of those holidays with him and his family. But, he knew Liv would not come and it would not go over well with Kathy if he invited her this year, anyway. Even though she agreed it was better for them to go their separate ways, she and Liv would never be best friends. Besides, Liv already had a best friend. He was her best friend. At least he used to be. Now he was a best friend that was going to let her be alone on Christmas. A best friend who was going to let her down. Again.

When Cragen let them leave early, he had gone to the locker room to get the dirty clothes that had accumulated over the last month or so in his locker. He'd bring a fresh stack Wednesday. As he opened the door, Munch was coming out.

"Low blow, Elliot. How could you say that?" The expression on Munch's face had a seriousness to it Elliot was not sure he had ever seen on him.

"What are you talking about, Munch?" He stopped and faced Munch, his hands on his hips.

"You know what I'm talking about...so cut the act." Munch closed the space between them and got right in Elliot's face.

Elliot narrowed his eyes and grit his teeth. "Really, I don't. Fill me in."

"Beck. How could you do that to Olivia?" His manner was protective, like that of a big brother.

"You know...this has nothing to do with you, okay. So, if you'll excuse me..." He started to push past him, but Munch took a step sideways to block him.

"Why do you have to keep hurting her, man? Why can't you leave her alone? Let her be happy?" Munch's demeanor was that of simmering anger, someone who was tired of the games being played.

Elliot's gaze took in the locker room, as he ran his hands over his head. Then he locked eyes with Munch. "Hurt her? Hurt her? She's not exactly innocent in this, John. She's done her fair share. She's running away, again. You think that doesn't hurt me? Huh?! She's leaving me. Again!" He felt tears springing to his eyes and there was no way he was going to cry in front of John Munch. He whirled around a hit the closest locker to him. The crash reverberated throughout the room and John's ears.

This was something else that had changed, Elliot mused. He was never one to share his feelings easily with others. Especially about a woman who was not his wife. He did not know when it had became all right for him to talk about his feelings to Munch and Fin and Cragen and Casey. It was like they had always known his and Liv's big secret. Maybe even before he and Liv. It was probably the most well-known secret in the NYPD.

Munch realizing how hurt Elliot was, placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're right. Sorry, man. I know how messed up you were when she was gone the other times. Sorry."

Messed up? What an understatement. John remembered how bad the first time had been Elliot was angry at her for not talking it out or at least telling him she needed a break. He and his first replacement partner, Lucius Blaine, got into a physical altercation and Elliot threatened to quit if Cragen did not get rid of Blaine. He had always been on the edge, quick to temper, ready to beat down a perp, but Olivia had a way of calming him, keeping a reign on him. Without her, his stability was gone and he became openly hostile, belligerent and aggressive. But she was only a floor above them and he still saw her occasionally.

When she pulled the undercover gig in Oregon, that was a whole different story. He had to go months without knowing where she was, how she was, seeing or talking to her. The day they came in and saw her desk cleaned out, Elliot held his own. But when Cragen would not say where she was, he started to lose it. So, he called her home phone and got that recording that the phone had been disconnected, and the look on his face, as he chewed his bottom lip, said it all. His lifeline had been cut and he was falling over the edge. This time the man was absolutely and completely lost without Olivia. He wasn't so outwardly angry this time. It was more a slow, burning, seething fury, bubbling and boiling inside of him, waiting until she returned to finally bubble over and explode. He would stare off into space for hours on end, if left alone. Someone would speak to him and he would look at them as though their words had no sound. He could not remember facts about a case. He was sloppy in the field. John sometimes thought Elliot hoped he would die in the line of duty. That it would be easier than the slow death he was dying everyday from the wound of his other half being torn from him. He forgot to eat, to sleep, to go home. He forgot how to live.

And then Dani Beck came along. His new partner. Elliot did not like her at first. He hated her because she was not Olivia. Because she reminded him Olivia was not there. He did not want another partner. Finally, he warmed to her. Maybe a little too much. But John realized it was his way of trying rid himself of Olivia because if he could, he'd rid himself of the pain she imparted as well. He tried to replace her with Dani. Only Dani was not Olivia and it was doomed from the beginning. It took him weeks to call her anything other than Beck or Detective Beck. He never referred to Olivia's desk as Dani's desk...it was always 'the desk'. John had noticed that and thought it was one way Elliot convinced himself she would be back. If the desk was still Olivia's, it meant she still had a place and she would come back to it. To him. John looked at his friend and was sorry for coming down on him. He knew this time would be worse than the first two.

- - - - - - - - - -

Captain Cragen in the spirit of Christmas, let everyone go home two hours early Christmas Eve. That is, except for two detectives, a couple of uniforms, and one administrative support person. Lake and Fin had been pulled to catch over Christmas Eve, pulling a second shift. They could leave at 12:00 a.m., but would be on call until the morning shift took over and 7:00 a.m.. Olivia had been scheduled off because she and Dean had plans, but since they broke up, she offered to take Fin's place so he could see his son with whom he had a troubled relationship. They had begun work things out recently. So, here she was at 11:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve, playing Solitaire on the computer and listening to Lake sing along with Christmas songs he had going on the radio, while making phone calls on his cell to various friends. Probably all those friends he has in homicide and narcotics, she thought.

She hated to admit it, but she was feeling pretty depressed. She actually missed Dean, even if he didn't trust her, and wondered what he was doing at this moment. Eating? Opening gifts? She knew he was at his sister, Claire's, house in Jersey. She was suppose to go with him and meet his family tonight. How can things change so drastically and so quickly? She had looked forward so much to having someone special to spend the holidays with and meeting all of his family. She wondered how he explained her absence. She was really down. Otero had called to let her know she could not start until Monday, December 31, and that depressed her, too.

And, then her thoughts turned to Elliot and his Christmas Eve and she plummeted to the border of despair. She had on his gray hoodie she stole from his locker. It smelled like him...soap, cologne, fabric softener, sweat, just him. How she wished she was in his arms again, smelling him and not just an old sweatshirt hoodie substitute. He had not told her what he was doing, but she knew that most of the time they went to Kathy's parents' home about thirty miles upstate. Things were so confusing and volatile when it came to him, she got a headache every time she tried to sort out her feelings, things he said, things he claimed he was going to do, the kiss. She felt the beginnings of what promised to be a major one now. Opening her bottom left desk drawer, she pulled out a bottle of Tylenol. Instead of the usual two, she popped four, washing them down with a couple of swigs from her water bottle. She really did not want a headache tonight. She wished there was someone to just hold her and be with her. The way she felt right now, just about anyone would do. She was so sick and tired of being alone. Was it too much to ask to belong somewhere, to someone? To love and be loved? For someone to care?

"Hey, Liv!" Lake was motioning for her as he jogged over to her desk. On his way, he shoved a couple of desks up next to each other, clearing an area of the floor.

He had turned the radio up loud and she could hear the lively strains of 'Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree' beginning.

"Dance with me!" His brown eyes twinkled, he was laughing and tugging on her hand, trying to get her up from her desk.

"No! I'm not very good at dancing..." She could not help but get caught up in his merriment. She was actually laughing with him.

"Come on! All you have to do is jump around a bit. I'll show you!" He grabbed both of her hands and tugged until she was standing with him.

"Lake..." She acted like she was trying to resist him, but she really did not try very hard.

He pulled her out to the floor and started dancing. He had to pick at her for a minute, but she finally gave in and started her own movements. He bumped her hips with his, making her lose her balance. He caught her and took her hands and pulled her up close to him and then spun her out and away and back. Then she did the same to him. They laughed and ragged each other to show another move. He danced a circle around her, she shimmied up close to him face to face, backed away and then did it again, back to back. He twirled her again and again. At the end, he surprised her by swinging her up in the air a bit and then dipping her. By the time the song ended, they were both out of breath and hysterical with laughter.

"Not very good? Wow, Liv! You were fantastic! Who'd have ever thought Detective Benson had those kind of moves in her." He still had both of her hands in his, smiling at her.

"Oh, I have moves you know nothing about, Detective Lake." She smiled a half smile and cocked her left eyebrow at him, her voice low. Benson, get a grip! He's got to be seven or eight years younger than you and you are flirting with him! Flirting? Flirting? Ha! That was a come on, if ever she had heard one!

The soft, mellow music of 'White Christmas' was playing now. So what if he was younger, he was still a man. He was kind of cute, too. His black shirt and pants coordinated with his jet black hair. His tie, decorated with pictures of the 'M&M' characters with Santa hats, hung loosely around his neck. His brown eyes, sparkled in the dimly lit squad room. Being Native American, his skin held a natural tan color, like hers. And the age difference did not seem to bother him one little bit.

"Oh, yea?" He pulled her up close to him, put her arms around his neck and his around her waist. He leaned and whispered in her ear. "Show me some of those other moves, Detective."

He was not quite as tall as Elliot and Dean, and not nearly as muscled but still in very good shape. It felt so good to just be held. The heat of his body was comforting. Her arms were still around his neck, and she laid her head on his shoulder. His heartbeat steady and oddly, comforting. He had his arms around her waist until about halfway through the song. He kept his left arm around her but splayed his hand across her back, gently moving it up and down. With his right hand, he reached up to slowly massage the nape of her neck and run his fingers through her hair. The scent of his cologne filled each breath she took. She loved it. It was not something Elliot or Dean would wear, but it sure smelled good.

Lake could not believe he was in the middle of the squad room dancing with Olivia Benson in his arms. When he first came to SVU, he had found her intimidating, and tried to stay out of her way. He eventually learned relax a bit around her. She was hard to get to know. Very private. He still found her intimidating. She didn't give him the time of day. Why would she? He was a junior detective, she seasoned and somewhat cynical. She was gorgeous, confident, articulate, tough, took nothing off anyone...except maybe Stabler from time to time. But she gave him as good as she got, too. Stabler. If he were to come in here right now, Lake would be a dead man. One of the first things he sensed, was that Olivia and Elliot were a package deal. No one had to say anything to him about it, either. There was some kind of weird connection between them he had never seen before in his life. Even though Stabler was married. How many people do you know that can carry on a whole conversation with just their eyes? He had never seen anything like it. The way they were always finishing the each others sentences, they seemed to read each other's minds, too. It was eerie, at times. Stabler was an idiot. He had gone back to his wife after a two year separation when it was obvious he could have had Olivia with the snap of a finger. There was definitely some kind of thing between them. Yet that did not stop him from holding Olivia close or pushing just a bit. He knew she had a rough couple of weeks and probably just needed a friend. He wanted to be that friend. Or whatever else she might want him to be.

The song had ended and another one started. Also a slow one. Her mind had gone blank and she could not even think of the name of it. His hand was so warm, strong as it massaged her neck. It felt so good. She felt the stress and tension leaving her body. She vaguely thought they should not be doing this, that there must be some rules they were breaking, but for the life of her, she could not think of a reason why. He was single. She was single. He was alone. She was alone. They were alone together. She pushed the thought aside and looked up at him.

"This is nice. I'm glad you asked me to dance." She whispered to him.

He bent down to hear her, his face so near. "And I'm glad you did." He kissed her gently on the lips. Just a quick, chaste kiss. She was so beautiful, he thought.

As he went to straighten up again, she used her left hand to pull his head back down, her lips sought his and she kissed him again and again, just soft, quick kisses. Finally, he cupped her face with his right hand and really kissed her. When she moaned, he nearly died. Olivia Benson moaning in his arms from his kisses. Elliot Stabler would rip him apart with his bare hands and scatter the pieces to the sharks!

She did not know what she was thinking. She was not thinking. She let Chester kiss her and then she kissed him back. She was enjoying it. She was in love with Elliot, she missed Dean and she was kissing Chester. And liking it. She was so whacked in the head. She needed to talk to Huang. Soon. They 'made out' for a good twenty minutes, just kissing, before he realized it was midnight and they could leave the precinct.

"Merry Christmas, Liv." He leaned in to kiss her once again, his hand running through her hair.

"Merry Christmas, Chester." She smiled, kissed him again and laid her head back on his shoulder.

"Do me a favor? Call me Ches. All my friends do. What do you say we go get a drink?" He was still holding her in his arms as they sat side by side on one of the desks.

Loneliness breeds desperation, she thought. She could not believe what she had done, was doing, and she had not even had a drink. She knew better than to agree to add alcohol to the mix. Things could get really crazy and they were already crazy enough as it is. No. Alcohol would only bring its own trouble to the table.

"Okay...Ches. How about O'Reilly's?" She suggested. She was crazy. And she knew it. But at that moment...she was positive she did not care.

"O'Reilly's it is!" He went to get his jacket.

Standing up from the desk, she looked around for her coat. It was then that she realized they had been sitting on Elliot's desk during their session. She could not help herself. The irony of it was just too much. She laughed out loud.

"What's so funny?" Chester asked as he came to her side, zipping his jacket.

"Nothing." Her head slightly shook side to side. "Nothing." Her voice was the slightest whisper.

Lake pulled her close in a hug, then let his hand slide down to the small of her back as held the door for her and led her out of the squad room.

Neither of them noticed the man standing in the shadows, his eyes narrowed, the muscle jumping in his jaw, his fists clenching and unclenching, his body coiled to strike.

"Merry Christmas, Olivia." He choked the words out in a gravelly whisper, as a lone tear traveled down his face and neck, disappearing into his shirt. "Merry Christmas."

- - - - - - - - - -

A/N: A/N: Well, Apparently, I struck a sore spot with a lot of you...uh...all of you, with Beck, huh? Still undecided about that...depends on what direction I take. I can not decide if I should end this soon...a few more chapters and then maybe start a sequel or keep it going or just do a whole new story. What do you guys think? There are SO many more twists and turns that keep popping into my head. I do appreciate all of you who take the time to review. It is a powerful motivator. Thanks! " ) Bensler