A/N: Wow, what a welcome back! So glad there is still interest in my little universe. Love, love :)
Puck was seated at an almost empty bar, a glass of Jack Daniels in front of him when he felt a looming presence beside him. He turned his head just slightly and recognized the faded red WMHS logo on an equally faded grey sweatshirt and sighed inwardly. Finn.
After leaving Rachel at the theater Puck had taken the subway to DUMBO and then walked around aimlessly until he came across an out-of-the-way dive bar that he doubted Rachel or one of his friends would think he'd enter, should they come looking for him. After his argument with Rachel that afternoon he just needed time out, away from her, and he felt a surge of resentment that she was apparently unwilling to allow him just a few hours to himself, calling in the cavalry to drag him back to Williamsburg, which at that moment was the last place he wanted to be.
"Whatever she sent you here to say, I don't want to hear it." Puck stated dully, lifting the glass once more to his lips.
"You don't have to hear it," Finn replied, his voice oddly tight. "You just need to get in the car and come with me."
Puck shook his head stubbornly, not even noticing his long time friend's agitation. He tapped his fingers on the bar in front of him, indicating that the bartender should pour him another, a request that was actioned almost instantly.
He was a generous tipper.
"I'm not going anywhere." There was a pause, then "I'm aware of everything she's given up and I think I've done everything I can think of to make it easier for her to adjust to our situation. If Rachel thinks that I'm just gonna fucking-"
He didn't get any further into that statement as Finn's hand shot out and the glass went tumbling out of Puck's hands, spilling over the counter and falling to the floor where it shattered into a hundred tiny pieces.
"If I were you, I'd shut up now," Finn advised, his jaw clenching. "Before you say something you'll end up regretting.
Puck blinked. The palpable anger that was rolling off his long time friends in waves, coupled with his freakishly tall frame, made Finn seem almost…intimidating.
He shook the feeling off and fixed his best friend with a glare much like the one he was on the receiving end of. "Shit Hudson! I paid eight bucks for that booze! The fuck's your problem?"
The answer came swiftly and it was the last one Puck had expected.
"My fucking problem is that while you've been sitting here, drinking fucking booze like a pathetic loser, your girlfriend has been crying, alone, in a fucking hospital bed as she waits for doctor's to tell her whether she's going to deliver YOUR baby tonight."
Puck gaped, in his intoxicated state, his mind was trying to filter the fact that Finn was breaking out the F-Word - a curse he only dropped when he was really upset - and grasp what he had said about Rachel and the baby. He sat, frozen, and didn't feel Finn rummaging around in the pocket of his jacket until he'd liberated his cell phone, turned the device on and shoved the screen in Puck's face as it registered the missed calls and messages with loud, incessant beeps.
"We've called you non-stop. Quinn's practically hysterical because she can't get hold of Kurt to tell him what's going on, I've been driving around looking everywhere for you and Becca's by herself at the hospital, freaking out because none of the nurses will tell her anything. Puck, we gotta go man."
Finally it sunk in. "Rachel's having contractions?!" Puck immediately shot to his feet and scrambled on unsteady legs towards the door. Finn left a crumpled up $20 on the bar, hoping it would cover the rest of Puck's tab and quickly followed. When he had started the car and was heading toward the hospital, Finn handed over a luke-warm cup of coffee. "Here, I picked this up for you. Try and sober up before we get there."
Puck accepted the offer gratefully as he scrolled through the multitude of messages, pausing only to read Rachel's.
4.28 PM Please pick up. I need to talk to you.
4.37 PM Noah you need to call me. I think something is wrong with the baby. I'm having pains I don't think are normal and Harry is driving me to the hospital now. I know you're angry, but I'm worried. I really hope you'll meet me there.
5.19 PM They are admitting me. The nurses think I'm having contractions.
6.30 PM Where are you? I need you.
He felt his chest tighten as his eyes scanned her messages, berating himself for walking out and turning his phone off, ensuring that he couldn't be reached, even in the case of an emergency. Hadn't she told him just that morning that she wasn't feeling well? He should have been more attentive but as Rachel had experienced all sorts of odd aches and pains in her body lately that her doctor had assured them was normal, he hadn't taken her mild complaints seriously.
Puck impatiently flicked past the frantic texts from Becca and later, Finn, until he found the last message from Rachel.
6.46 PM I'm so scared Noah, please come.
Puck swore. He had promised Rachel right from the beginning that he'd take care of her and yet, while she had lain in hospital alone and scared out of her mind, he'd been off watching baseball, drinking whiskey and generally cursing her existence.
He was a fucking bastard.
"What are the doctors saying?" He demanded, suddenly feeling stone cold sober. He glanced at Finn's profile as he tried to call Rachel's cell phone, swearing under his breath when his call went straight to voicemail.
"Not much. They're trying to stop the contractions and figure out what's causing them. The last I heard, they think the baby is still doing ok." Finn answered sombrely. "I'm sorry man."
Puck didn't bother to ask what he was sorry for as he dialed the number for information. "We're going to Brooklyn Memorial?" he asked, recognizing the route they were taking. "Is that where she is?" At Finn's confirmation, he asked the operator to patch him through.
10 minutes later he was fuming. All he had got from the hospital switchboard was the run around as they transferred him to different operators. The nurse in the maternity ward had told him things were crazy and that there was several women waiting who hadn't been admitted yet as they didn't have enough rooms to accommodate the influx of patients. The names of those women were not in the system yet.
That news made Puck want to lash out and hit something. Here he was, having to trust Rachel and their unborn baby to doctors and nurses that couldn't even offer beds for some of their patients? It was fucking bullshit.
"Hurry up, man," Puck urged Finn to drive faster as he tried to reach Rachel's cell once more. He was slowly losing his mind, thinking of all the those damn books Rachel had made him read and all the things that could potentially go wrong with her pregnancy.
It seemed like an excruciatingly long wait before he was leaping from the car in front of the hospital entrance, being directed up to the correct floor and then running into the maternity ward like a madman, grabbing the first nurse he saw and demanding someone find his girlfriend. The nurse, a middle-aged woman dressed in pink scrubs with yellow ducks, saw the look of panic on his face and took pity on him. Leading him over to the desk by his elbow, she promised to find Rachel and take him to her.
"Let me guess," she said with a knowing smile, "This is your first baby?"
Puck nodded, "Yes," he replied tightly, "And we're not due until February."
"Oh." Her eyes widened then and her whole demeanor changed.
With lightening fast fingers the nurse typed Rachel's name into the system and apparently now their damn computers knew exactly where she was. Finn had parked the car and caught up with him just as Puck was being led to another section of the ward. Rounding a corner, Puck's gaze fell on his sister who was sitting on the floor near the waiting area, her face pinched and her entire body tense with worry.
"Becca?"
The teenager's head shot up and with a strangled sob, she jumped to her feet and launched herself into her brother's arms.
"Thank god you're here!" She wailed, "I got here as soon as I could but no one will tell me anything because they say I'm not immediate family. I wasn't even allowed to go see her and I've just been sitting here, thinking about how much of a bitch I was to Rachel when I first met her and now-"
"It's ok Bec," Puck soothed, effectively cutting off her ramblings and holding her tight for a few seconds. "Just take a deep breath. Rachel and the baby will be fine." He spoke with a calm conviction he didn't feel. He rubbed her back comfortingly before gently extracting himself from her grip.
"You stay here with Finn ok? I'm going to see how she's doing."
He handed the now sobbing girl to his best friend, exchanging a look with Finn over her head. "I've got her," Finn said quietly, drawing Becca into his side. "Go."
Puck nodded his thanks and turned back to the nurse who was waiting for him outside the door to room 321.
It was dark inside with the main lights off and only one small lamp illuminating the room, and it was only then that Puck realized how much time had passed since he stormed out of the theater late that afternoon. He felt like he'd aged 10 years in the last 20 minutes.
"Let's see what we have here," the nurse accompanying him whispered, so as not to disturb the slumbering patient. She picked up the chart at the end of the bed and looked it over.
Puck had to take a deep breath, and then another one, bracing himself before he could bring himself to look at Rachel. She was lying in the bed wearing a plain, blue hospital gown, sleeping on her side under a pink blanket, her baby bump little more than a tiny impression under the covers. Her long brown hair was tied up into a loose ponytail and her face was tear-stained and drawn, with dark smudges under her eyes. She was obviously exhausted.
An IV had been inserted into the back of her right hand and some kind of monitor attached to her belly. Puck saw squiggly lines and numbers on the paper read out but had no idea what they all meant. The uncertainty was unbearable.
"Okay," the nurse said quietly, "It looks as though she has had contractions, definitely not what we want at this stage in her pregnancy. The latest results show they haven't been as strong in the last hour compared to when she was first admitted, which is encouraging."
She moved to the monitor and pressed a few buttons, "This machine here measures both of their heartbeats – Rachel's and the baby's – as well as the strength of the contractions. Baby's heartbeat looks fine right now."
Puck stared at the digital display. "One-forty," he read, glancing up. "That's normal right?" he asked anxiously, recalling what Dr Montgomery has said during the first ultrasound he'd attended.
The nurse smiled encouragingly at him, "Yes. For a baby, that's perfectly normal."
"Good, that's good." He sank down into the chair beside Rachel's bed and clasped his hands together, too scared to reach out and touch her. "What happens now?"
"We wait and see," she replied simply. "Her doctor has her on medication which we hope will stop the contractions." She patted his shoulder. "I know it's hard during times like these, but when she wakes up, try to keep her calm; you don't want to put any additional stress on her."
He nodded wordlessly. Somehow, he had to find a way to hide how terrified he was and be strong for Rachel's sake, when, for the first time in his life, all Puck wanted to do was sink to the floor and weep.
"Thank you," he managed to say as the nurse left him alone in Rachel's room.
He tried sitting, but he was too restless to be confined to the uncomfortable plastic chair. He tried pacing for a while, but the space was too small so he had to stop before he put his fist through the wall in frustration. He stood by the window, staring out into the darkness as he tried to make sense of it all, but eventually the need to be closer to her was too strong and he crossed back to her side.
Hesitantly, Puck reached out and brushed the bangs back from her face, letting his thumb trace the contour of her cheek as he sat back down, taking her small hand in his. He stared at the monitor for what felt like hours, watching every blip of both Rachel and the baby's heart, willing the fluttering signal to keep going, as if his mere presence by their sides could ensure it.
A short while later Rachel finally stirred from her fitful sleep and he grimaced as the numbers and the lines on the monitor changed in ways he couldn't understand. He leaned over and stroked her hair as her eyes fluttered open. "Hey,"
She blinked in confusion for a moment when she heard the beeping of the machines surrounding her, and then realization dawned and her eyes filled with tears.
"Noah-"
"Don't," he brushed his lips gently over hers and pulled back only a fraction, so their noses were touching. He carefully wiped away her tears, "Don't cry, Rach. The baby is fine, see?" he pointed to the monitor. "That there is Pucklebaby's heartbeat. One-forty; strong, the nurse said."
She sniffled and tugged on their joined hands, imploring him wordlessly with her dark eyes. He knew what she wanted without her having to verbalize it, so he cautiously slid on to the narrow bed beside her, pressing as close to her as he dared. Rachel buried her head into the crook of his shoulder and drew in a deep, shuddering breath. "I'm so sorry,"
Puck held her securely and rubbed her back, "You have nothing to be sorry for." He told her quietly, wishing he could take every bit of fear and pain.
"Yes I do. What you overheard today-"
"Hey, shhhh." He cupped her face and tipped her chin so he could kiss her again. Her lower lip trembled and he felt the wetness of her cheek press against his nose. "Let's forget about it ok?" he said against her lips. "It was a stupid misunderstanding, I know that now. Don't worry about it, it doesn't matter."
Rachel closed her eyes and nodded, letting the heat of his body seep into her and warm her cold skin. "You smell like alcohol." She noted, tucking her chin against his chest and slipping her hand between their bodies to cautiously rest over her baby bump.
"I was well on my way to getting trashed when Finn picked me up," he admitted frankly, disgusted with himself and his behavior. "I'm sorry babe, I should have been here. I hate that you had to go through this without me."
His arm tightened around her and she breathed in his familiar scent, letting it soothe her in a way that the doctors and nurses with their placating words, had so far been unable to.
"What if I did too much and hurt the baby?" she ventured fearfully, her breath hitching. "With helping out with the show and everything – maybe I pushed myself too hard."
"The baby is going to be just fine." Puck stated resolutely, trying to convince himself as much as her.
"You can't know that for certain, even the doctor said she didn't know." Rachel stated softly. Puck was glad that she couldn't see his face right now, because he was fighting to control his reaction to her quiet declaration. He was sure she had gotten a more in-depth explanation from her doctor about what was happening but he didn't want to hear that, he wanted to believe the nurse who'd told him things were looking better.
"I thought about something like this happening," she confessed shamefully, the tears flowing freely now. "When I first found out I was pregnant and I hadn't decided what I wanted to do about it, I was so afraid and I thought…." she let out a sob, "I thought that…maybe it would just go away. I could miscarry and then I'd never have to tell Michael or make the decision to leave him, and all my problems would disappear. Oh Noah, how could I think that?"
"You were just scared," he reasoned lowly, "we both were. You can't just wish a baby away Rachel, it doesn't work like that and you know it."
She sniffled and nodded uncertainly.
"Still….I felt so guilty about our affair. I didn't want to be pregnant."
"And now you do," he wiggled down the bed so they were nose to nose again, wanting – no, needing - to see her face. "The baby knows you want it, and how much we love her already. I catch you singing to her all the time with that dopey looking grin on your face," he teased, drawing a small smile from her that instantly made his heart feel lighter.
"You think we're having a girl?" Rachel whispered tremulously.
"Today, yeah." He confirmed. "But yesterday, I convinced myself it was a boy and I spent $100 bucks online, ordering an infant sized baseball jersey with Puckerman stitched on the back."
He regretting telling her that, as almost instantly her tears returned. "That's so sweet," she managed, sniffling again. "Oh Noah, what if-"
He cut her off with a firm, lengthy kiss. "C'mon babe, please," he begged, "Let's not talk about the 'what ifs', it'll drive us crazy. You just gotta believe that soon, before we know it, we're gonna be the proud parents of the best looking baby New York has ever seen. Can you do that?"
She hesitated and then nodded, fisting her hand in his shirt, "Ok." She pressed her face into the fabric and then turned her head so that she could listen to the comforting thud, thud of his heartbeat, steady and strong.
They lay there together in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.
"I don't want her to have my nose." Rachel said unexpectedly, breaking the silence.
Puck laughed and she felt the sound rumble under her ear as his chest shook with mirth. He ran his index finger down her nose, tapping the end affectionately. "I happen to think your nose is sexy." He told her with a grin.
Rachel shook her head emphatically. "No, it's horrible. But she can have my stature. And my hair. And if it's a boy, I hope he has your eyes…and your smile." She added as an afterthought. "Actually, I'd want him to have your everything." Her voice was laced with melancholy and he knew that for some reason, she doubted that in a few months time she'd be back here after giving birth, naturally and without complications, holding that baby in her arms.
"Including my raw sexual magnetism and total badassness?" Puck checked nudging her forehead with his nose and hoping to make her smile again.
"Yes - though he would turn my prematurely hair grey if he was anything like you were in high school - even that." He hated the shaky sigh she let out and he couldn't think of anything else to say so he skimmed his hand over her hip and laced his fingers with hers, pressing their joined hands against her stomach.
"I love you." Puck confessed gruffly, brushing his lips across her cheek. "Do you know that? I shouldn't have told you earlier, and not waited till now to say it."
Her head shot up at his admission, narrowly missing connecting painfully with his jaw. Again, there were no candles or music playing but really, it didn't matter when or how it was said, all that mattered was he felt it as strongly as she did. As her lips curled into a small, surprised smile, and her lips parted to respond, her eyes clouded over and she let out a loud whimper.
"Rach?" he pulled back and watched in horror as her knees came up, pushing him aside as her entire body instinctively curled protectively around her belly.
"Ahhh," she grimaced, her face contorting with agony. Suddenly the beeps on the monitor increased in frequency and volume until it was screeching with urgency.
Fuck no, don't let this happen. He wasn't religious these days, but in that instant he was prepared to pray to any God that would listen.
Puck jumped up from the bed and was ready to run and grab the nearest nurse when one came rushing in, her eyes going directly to the monitor.
"Ohh, is that a bad one?"
Rachel nodded, choking back on a sob.
"What's going on?" he demanded, clinging to Rachel's now limp hand.
"Her contractions are starting up again."
"Why?" He practically shrieked.
The nurse spared him a glance, "I don't know."
"Rachel," she bent over and ran a maternal hand over her hair. "You need to calm down sweetheart. I know it's hard right now, but you need to breathe through it and try not to panic, that's what your baby needs. You lie there and concentrate on breathing in and out, real slow for me while I go and see Dr Montgomery about getting you a higher dose of terbutaline."
"What the fuck is terbutaline?" Puck asked, his eyes darting from Rachel to the monitor to the nurse, and back again.
"The medication we hope will stop the contractions."
"You hope?" Puck was ready to explode, "And what if it doesn't?"
"Just let me talk to the doctor first," the nurse hedged, slipping out the door before he could question her any further.
He tried to let go of Rachel's hand and hurry after the nurse, but she held firm, refusing to let him go.
"Please stay Noah, don't leave me." She begged. The again was unsaid and it cut him to the core.
"I'm not leaving babe," he assured her, his heart beating wildly in his chest. "I just need to ask the nurse something-"
Rachel looked up at him with wide, wet eyes. "What happens if the medication doesn't work and the contractions continue?" she guessed.
Puck nodded hesitantly. Fearfully.
"I already asked," She whispered hollowly, clutching his hand tighter still. "They can't do anything. If I dilate any further they'll have no choice, they'll take me to delivery and…."
His blood ran cold as she trailed off and they stared at each other helplessly.
It was not supposed to happen like this. They had three months to go. They had only just finished the nursery; she hadn't even decided if she was happy with the placement of the crib and change table. Quinn and Kurt were still only in the initial planning stages of the baby shower and they hadn't yet attended one parenting class!
Puck tried to recall every detail of what he had heard and read about premature births.
"There's hope," she whispered hoarsely, as if she was reading his mind. "But…"
His throat constricted and she didn't need to say anything more.
It was all happening too fast.