Chapter 21

Despite it being a short flight back to the homestead, Nat was quick to fall into a panic attack, leaving R3 to pilot Rover the entire way as Nat struggled to breath properly, her helmet cast onto the floor. The poor astromech tried his best to comfort his old friend, however to no avail. Once the two ships touched down on the Dameron property, R3 quickly dropped down from his compartment to race over to Poe and BB-8 as they got out of Black One.

Poe, I'm worried Natasha is going to pass out. R3 screeched once he was close enough.

At this, Poe's face fell into concern. "Why do you say that, Buddy?" He asked.

She started to have a panic attack once we left the old base, and she's still hyperventilating in the Rover. R3 explained. She has never passed out from a panic attack before, but this time I'm worried. Please help her!

"Okay, go have my Dad on standby just in case something goes wrong. I should be able to handle it, but I want to be prepared." Poe ordered before running to the other black X-Wing. Scrambling up the side, he slammed the emergency hatch release button, allowing the canopy to open and him to slip into the cockpit. As he did so, a small part of his mind was surprised at how roomy it was inside the ship, how both he and Nat were both able to fit, although it was still a tight fit. "Natasha, cummon. I need you to calm down." He told her loudly so she could hear him over her laboured breathing, though he kept his tone level. "Look at me," He cupped her face in his hands to gently tilt her head so he could look her in the eye. "See? I'm calm. I know you're scared, and I'll be honest with you, I don't understand why you're so scared. But this, we have to get this under control before you hurt yourself, and I don't want you to get hurt. That's the last thing I want to see. That's the last thing any of us want to see." Suddenly she went completely still, her red rimmed eyes meeting with his in terror. Carefully raising his arms as best he could in the confined space, he began to lean forwards when she lunged at him, wrapping her arms around his shoulder as she hid her face in his neck. As best as he could, he tightened his arms around her as he switched their positions, allowing him to sit in the flight chair with her cradled in his lap. "Do you trust me?" He murmured.

"Always." She whispered shakily, evidently still teetering on the edge of tears.

Gently stroking the back of her head, he continued to murmur reassurances to help calm her. When she finally seemed calm enough, he pressed his cheek against her forehead. "How about we get out of here? Give you a little more room to breath, huh?"

Nodding against him, she slowly got up as best she could before climbing up out of the cockpit. When she dropped off the edge of the ship, he smiled to himself before climbing out as well, following suit and jumping down to the ground. "Thank you." Nat mumbled when he turned to smile at her, though that smile instantly faded at her saddened demeanour.

Taking her hands in his, he pulled her a little closer so that they were almost toe to toe. "You said we already have one, we already have a Jedi. You were talking about yourself, right?"

"Mhmm." She hummed lowly.

"But why would you keep that a secret? That's incredible!" He exclaimed, scooping her up in a hug to spin her around. "Now we have an even better chance against the First Order! Three people who can use the Force, ground fights will be so much easier- flying! No wonder you're such an incredible pilot, you have quick reflexes!" He suddenly stopped his rambling, smiling when he saw the amused expression on her face. "What?" He asked.

"I just wasn't expecting… this." She waved a hand towards his body.

"Well how did you think I would react?" He asked in confusion.

"I thought you'd hate me." She mumbled.

At this, Poe's eyebrows raised in shock. "Why would I hate you of all people, Natasha Amidala?"

"Because Kylo Ren tortured you." She lifted her gaze to meet his.

This time, it was his turn to freeze. That was the last response he expected. "How could I hate you for being the complete opposite of what that monster is? You're one of my best friends! Yes, you have the same abilities as he has, but you have the heart and mind not to do what… what he did, what he does. I know that. If anything, knowing you're a Jedi makes you even more special to me than you already were."

"You're special to me too, Poe." She smiled slightly.

"Well, that's a relief." He teased before pulling her into a hug and dropping them to the ground, making her shriek in laughter as he brought her into his lap again. "It's been you, hasn't it? Helping me at night with my nightmares? BB-8 said you helped last night. When you weren't sleeping for a while back on base, you were keeping the nightmares at bay, weren't you?" He asked in realization.

"You were hurting." She whispered. "I couldn't stand it."

"But you were hurting yourself in the process." He replied. "I can't stand that."

Sniffling, she sighed. "The difference is that I can feel your pain."

"What is that like? To be able to feel… everything?" He asked.

"It was overwhelming at first as a kid, but you learn to control it over time." She whispered, a hand curling around the collar of his shirt as she rested her head against his shoulder.

"What do you feel right now?" He asked.

"Well…" She closed her eyes. "The first thing I can sense is you. You're all warm and fast energy, but it's calm, soothing, familiar. The Force tree is certainly an energy that makes its presence known. I could feel it as soon as we got closer and closer the day we arrived. That too is familiar. Then if I reach out I can feel the hum of the planet beneath us, the number of lives that exist here. Just… I can feel so much if I focus."

"Wow…" He sighed, shifting his arms around her waist as she rested her head against his shoulder. "Did you come back because of Luke Skywalker? Did Leia tell you we had the map?"

"I found out about what happened, yes." She confirmed. "I felt it too."

"Why didn't you come to help us before though?" He asked, his voice a little smaller as he thought back over the course of events that led up to the completion of the map.

Feeling her head move against his shoulder, he looked down to see her looking at him with guilt. "Because I didn't know what was going on at the time." She whispered. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, sweetheart." He promised, giving her a tired smile. "It probably all would have happened the same way either way. Hey, when was the last time you saw Skywalker?"

30 years ago. She thought to herself. "Oh, a long time ago." She mumbled.

"You know, I get what you mean now by everyone died. Surviving something like the Knights of Ren slaughtering the Jedi must be traumatising."

It was in that moment Nat remembered that there was a second slaughter the Jedi had faced, not just the one she had directly lived through. Although, she wasn't quite ready to tell Poe how old she really was here. Admitting she was a Jedi was the first step, she'd tell him the whole truth eventually. Just not right now. So instead, she just selfishly clutched him a little tighter and hummed again in agreement.

Across the yard, Kes stood by the doors with BB-8 and R3, watching the two pilots curled up on the ground together. Looking down at R3, Kes smiled. "I take it she told him the truth?"

A part of it. The part she was scared of the most. R3 chirped, the translation appearing on Kes's wrist commlink.

Is Nat a Jedi? BB-8 asked curiously.

Yes. R3 replied.

"And that's all she's told him so far?" Kes asked the red and silver astromech.

So far. R3 confirmed.

What, there's more? BB-8 squealed in surprise.

"There is," Kes said, looking at the small droid before looking back to Nat and his son. "But this is a start. This is a start."

Later that afternoon, Nat worked with the two Dameron men in the kitchen to prepare dinner, with very little conversation being exchanged, or at the very least, short lived.

"Hey, Tasha? Can you pass me that plate?" Poe asked as he poured broth over the meat, not turning to face her.

The smell of vanilla wafted faintly over the smell of dinner as Nat walked over and put a plate down next to the stove. "Here you go." She said quietly before going back to work cutting vegetables across the small kitchen.

Somewhat disappointed, he stopped what he was doing and sighed. "Aww…"

At this, both Nat and his father turned to look at him in confusion. "What's wrong?" She asked.

"I was hoping you'd use the Force to give it to me." He replied.

"I told you he wouldn't be scared of you." Kes nudged her.

"I know…" She muttered meekly, trying to turn back to the task at hand.

"Can you show me something? Please?" Poe begged, going up to rest his chin on her shoulder.

"You've seen it work before." She said quietly, trying to dissuade him from what he wanted. "You see it at work all the time."

"I've never seen you use it before though." He replied, confusion lacing his voice. Behind them, Kes simply chuckled as he took over the task his son had abandoned.

"Sparring? Flight practice?" She listed off. "The tree healing?"

"Thanks for that again, by the way." Kes said.

"You're welcome." She smiled, rolling her eyes when she felt Poe rest more of his weight against her.

"What about making things move? Swinging around a lightsaber?" He almost whined, sounding like a child.

"There's more to being a Jedi than those things." She explained, crossing her arms and she turned around to lean against the counter.

"Yeah, but…" He mumbled, backing away.

"Jedi were keepers of the peace, not soldiers." She straightened up, a stoic look coming over her features.

"But your training-"

"I started my Jedi training later in life than the Masters liked, but I had military training before, during and after through various units separate from the Jedi. That was simply by unfortunate circumstances in life." She clarified catching Kes's eye as he looked at her in curiosity and amusement. "And what is also unfortunate is that evil and darkness continue to fight and take over, leaving small pockets of peace and light."
Suddenly Poe's vision was obstructed as a dish towel landed on his head, covering his face. Nat's laughter was joined by his father's and the amused binary chuckles of the astromechs in the corner of the room before he also began to laugh. Taking the towel off his head, he balled it up. "Ha, very funny." He said, tossing it gently across the kitchen towards Nat.

With a flick of her wrist however, the cloth froze in mid-air, hovering between them. Looking around it to see Poe's wide eyed and amazed look, she grinned. "Satisfied?"

"Yes." He breathed.

Her grin relaxing in relief, she twitched a finger and sent the cloth flying at Kes's face, which easily batted to the floor. "You two think you're funny, don't you?" He mocked teasingly.

"She did it." Poe said through his laughter, pointing a finger at Nat. Instantly he got the towel flicked into his face, increasing the laughter in the room.

Dinner passed quickly, ensuring everyone could visit and rest for one of the last times before the departure the next day, and before Nat and Poe went to the dance a few settlements over. Sitting on the couches in the living area, Kes sat diagonally from Poe while Nat shared a couch with Poe, stretched out on the couch with her head in his lap. As they talked, he absentmindedly played with her hair while Kes watched in amusement. Off to the side, BB-8 and R3 quietly whistled to each other.

"A Jedi. I still can't believe it." Poe mumbled, loosely braiding locks of her hair before combing his fingers through it. "I never would have guessed."

"But you did. You figured it out this morning." She mumbled sleepily. "You just waited for me to reveal it myself. I knew what you were doing today, I just didn't think I'd let it slip."

"I'm sorry." He cooed, taking his free hand to hold one of her hands, which she twisted to cradle to her chest.

"Oh, like I could be mad at you." She closed her eyes and smiled.

"I'm assuming you have your Lightsaber somewhere nearby." Kes grinned after clearing his throat.

At the mention of a Lightsaber, Poe's grip tightened in excitement. "A Lightsaber? You have a Lightsaber?"

Nat snorted. "Obviously. R3, come here please?" She motioned for her companion to come closer. Letting go of Poe's hand and sitting up, leaving him feeling cold, she reached out to R3 as soon as he was close enough. On his body, a little door opened so the droid could extend an arm and pass her a silver and gold cylinder, earning a murmured thank you in return.

"Is that it?" Poe leaned in close, studying the old weapon in her hand.

"What kind of a reveal were you expecting? Lights, music and fireworks?" She asked, rolling her eyes.

"Can I see?" He whispered.

"Sure." She shrugged, handing it to him.

As soon as it was in his hands, his eyes widened in surprise. "Wow. It's heavier than I expected."

This comment made a bitter smile pull at the corner of her mouth. "It's terribly well balanced, though."

"Hmm…" He hummed, bringing the hilt up to study it closer. Years of wear and tear had chipped at and smoothed down the metal of the hilt, and while most of the hilt was silver, the grip of it was black, while dulled gold detailing decorated the cylinder, whether as shapes, lines or rings. Where the glowing blade would be emitted, a gold ring lined the edge of the small bell. The bell itself was small enough that it only created a lip over the rest of the hilt, rather than cover her hand when she'd wield it, whether he'd actually get to see her wield it was another matter. At the bottom end of the hilt was a raised symbol of a triangle with a circle above it. "What's this?" He murmured, running his fingers over the stamped sign.

"Symbol for my planet. The decoration was frowned upon by the council, but I didn't care." She explained, leaning in close to his side.

"It's beautiful, the whole thing." He said.

"Can you guess what colour the blade is?" She asked with a slight smile as she took the weapon from him.

What were you thinking?

Aqua, purple, or green.

Why those colours?

No reason.

Green, that was the colour on her X-Wing.

Purple, that was the colour on her helmet.

"Aqua." He replied, smiling at her stunned expression when he made his guess.

"How did you know that?" Was all she asked.

"When we were working on your ship, you listed off three colours; aqua was the only one you haven't used." He explained. "Unless you have a red blade."

Pressing a gold button, the glowing aqua blade sprang forth from the hilt, bathing them in the bluish green glow. "No, you're right."

"That's beautiful, Natasha." Kes said, studying the blade from afar.

"Thank you." She beamed. "Lightsabers are traditionally blue or green in colour. To have a different colour was very rare. One Master had a purple blade, another had an ice blue blade that looked white, guards had yellow blades, there was even the Dark Saber. The varieties were there, just not common. My spares however are purple, or amethyst as some would say, and green."

"You have more than one Lightsaber?" Poe asked in shock.

"Some Jedi fought with more than one blade, carried two blades." She shrugged. "I was considered selfish and greedy for having more than two, but because I didn't use it often, some simply overlooked it. Besides, I just called it having insurance. Force knows my brother lost enough Lightsabers."

"The rules sound ridiculously strict." Kes said, leaning back in his seat.
"I always thought so. Believe me, I have an entire volume of rules." She agreed, passing the active Saber to Poe, the hum fluctuating gently as it was moved. When it was in his hand, he simply looked up at the glowing blade in awe, instead of moving it around. "You alright?" She nudged him gently.

"It's beautiful." Was all he could breath.

"I'm glad you think so." She whispered back.

"Do you use it anymore?" He asked, carefully passing it back.

Turning it off and leaving the room almost darker than it was before, she shook her head. "No. I'm sure you can imagine why though."

"That's true." He agreed. "Will I get to see you use it one day?"

"I'll show you some tricks one day, yes." She gave the weapon back to R3. "Finn too when he wakes up."

"I remember on Endor-" Kes began to say before abruptly cutting off, avoiding the panicked look on Nat's face that his son missed. "Master Skywalker used his Lightsaber a couple of times. He was still learning back then. Now come on, you two have to get ready for the party, it'll be starting soon."

"Hope you're prepared." R3 whistled as he trundled towards the hallway.

Throwing herself off the couch, Nat made a noise of discontent. "You know I am." She retorted as they disappeared down the hall and into their room.

Upon hearing the bedroom door close, Poe and Kes looked at each other. "If you don't pull something tonight…" Kes began to murmur teasingly.

"I dunno, Dad. There's been a pretty big change already today alone." Poe hissed back in panic.

"You're not wrong there. Just have fun, then." Kes sat back and laughed. "Go. Get ready."