February 2018-Fighting Back

They sat in the waiting room of a downtown office.

Kelly's stomach was churning nervously…never in a million years would he have imagined himself sitting in a psychologist's office…for marriage counseling, none the less.

But he and Alyssa needed help. That much was certain. This fight…these past couple weeks…had really torn their family to pieces. It was astounding…how one thing could set a chain of events in motion…and suddenly their whole marriage…their whole life was in tatters.

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After Leslie had left…that day Andy called to tell Kelly that Mommy was sick…and she was "sleeping" on the floor in the downstairs bathroom…after Leslie had threatened to nail Kelly to a tree if he upset Alyssa again…they were alone for the first time since this whole mess got started.

And they had to figure out what to do.

First Kelly had to get some food into Alyssa. When he picked her up off the bathroom floor he realized she had barely eaten in almost three weeks. She had always been petite…since the day he met her…but since her injuries almost five years before, it was a real struggle to keep her weight up. The only time she topped a hundred pounds was when she was pregnant. And even then she only gained thirty.

So all day long, he tried to coax her into eating…but she could only take a few bites at a time. A couple tablespoons of soup…a couple bites of toast…a few bites of scrambled egg.

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He carried her upstairs. She had argued that she could walk…but then she was dizzy when she stood up…at least at first.

He set her down on the bed…but she wanted to take shower. So he followed her into their bathroom and while he adjusted the water she undressed herself slowly. And Kelly watched her.

He took her hand and led her to the digital scale. She didn't want to get on, but he insisted. When he looked down and saw the number 89 flashing up at him he wanted to throw up.

Alyssa stepped into the shower…and a minute later Kelly got in with her.

He was suddenly afraid to let her out of his sight. Just that morning he'd dreaded coming home…now he didn't know how he was going to leave in thirty six more hours.

He ran his hands up and down her bare arms…across her shoulders…then ran his fingers through her long, brown hair, letting the water soak it.

Then he held her…finally. He wrapped his arms around her tiny body and after a moment she slipped her arms around him. And they both cried.

And they went to bed together for the first time in weeks…as he held Alyssa close against him Kelly knew they were going to have to fight to save their marriage. They hadn't gone through all the shit they had just to have it crash and burn like this. They had to think about Andy and Jesse.

Kelly had grown up with divorced parents…and a mostly absent father. He'd be damned if he let his sons grow up like that.

And although Alyssa's parents were still together…Kelly had never seen them show any affection for one another. He'd never heard them so much as have a conversation. They simply co-existed in the same house. It had been that way for as long as she could remember, Alyssa told him.

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In the morning, Kelly had called Mouch. As union rep, he had all kinds of information on Employee Assistance Programs, counseling…whatever.

And now they were waiting on pins and needles to meet with Dr. Paxton.

When she called them into her office she tried her best to put them at ease…but she could see they were both uncomfortable with the whole situation. Even the way they sat…on opposite ends of the couch…Alyssa looking very small and tired. Just the way she hugged her sweater around her…like she couldn't get warm.

And Kelly looked like he was looking for an exit. He sat with his right leg crossed over his left…and his foot jiggled nervously.

"Why don't we start with some easy questions?" the doctor said. "How long have the two of you been married?"

"It'll be four years in June." Alyssa answered.

"And did you date long before that?"

"We were together about a year and a half…" Alyssa said. "And we lived together part of that time."

"And you have two children?"

Kelly nodded.

"Yeah…twin boys." He said.

"How old are they?" Dr. Paxton asked.

"They turned three on Christmas Eve." Alyssa replied.

Now it was time for the harder questions.

"And what was it that brought you here today?" the doctor asked gently.

Alyssa and Kelly both looked at one another…kind of lost. Neither of them really knew how to put it into words.

"Well…" Alyssa began. "We've always been together on most everything we did. On the same page…I mean. We always could support each other…but now…"

"We had Alyssa's ex-boyfriend live with us for six months when he was going through a bad time…but when my ex-fiancée came to me for help about a month ago…Alyssa didn't want her in our house. We had a fight…and now everything's got completely out of hand…

Alyssa cringed at the mention of Renee…and then her blood boiled as she heard him equate that woman's situation to Jonny…again!

She took a deep breath…and held it…then let it out slowly, counting one, two, three, four…

Dr. Paxton couldn't help but notice Alyssa's reaction…how she struggled to maintain her sense of control.

"Now we can't talk without everything coming back to this…" Alyssa said softly. "The tension's so bad…our sons are scared…I can't eat…"

"Alyssa's making herself sick." Kelly said. "Our son Andy called me…and she was passed out on the bathroom floor…"

There was a lot of hurt between them…a sense of distrust…of betrayal…there was blame…on both sides.

But under all that there was also still a deep love…and the fact that they were both here showed that they were at least willing to try to find their way back.

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It was almost a relief to go to work.

At least then, Kelly felt like he was in control. Every time the bells went off and he threw on his gear, he knew what he had to do. It just came naturally.

At home…it was anything but natural.

He and Alyssa had worked out some rules for themselves with Dr. Paxton's help. They had to sit down together as a family for meals when he wasn't on shift. That way the boys saw them together…and Kelly knew that Alyssa was eating.

They had to have a conversation…there were certain "safe" topics…the boys, his day, her day…their friends. And there were certain topics that were off limits, except in Dr. Paxton's office…namely Renee…and Jonny.

And they had to sleep together in the same bed. That was a big thing for Alyssa.

They only told a few people what was going on…Leslie and Casey knew…because they took turns with the boys when Kelly and Alyssa had their appointments.

Dawson knew…because she was there that day…and Kelly assumed she'd told Mills.

Mouch knew…because he gave them the information on the counseling.

Chief knew…because he was the chief.

And Alyssa had quietly told the boys' teacher that there were some difficulties at home…and that they were getting help.

But some things were still too hard. They didn't have people over…it was just too awkward. And Alyssa didn't come to the firehouse anymore. She hadn't had the energy to cook or bake like she used to. It was all she could do to keep things running at home for the boys.

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Yet despite all of this…there were hints that they might be all right again someday.

It was a grueling shift.

The city was hit with a massive ice storm. And it was one call after another…mostly car accidents and spin outs…and one jack-knifed semi on the Kennedy.

Kelly came home in the morning and they went through their new "routine"…

But that night…after Alyssa had tucked the boys into bed, read them their stories, and kissed them good-night…she came into her room to get ready for bed.

When she came out of the shower…Kelly was there…just sitting on the side of the bed.

He looked totally exhausted…and Alyssa climbed up onto the bed to kneel behind him.

"Kelly?" she whispered…as she gently slid her hands across his shoulders.

Kelly caught his breath as she began to massage his neck and shoulders. He was wound so tight it's a wonder he didn't snap.

"Do you want this?" she asked.

God, yes…he wanted this. He needed this.

He nodded…and he felt Alyssa tug at the back of his shirt. Slowly, he pulled it over his head and dropped it to the floor.

He drew in a deep breath as he savored the feeling of soft, warm hands on his skin. It had been so long since she had touched him…

She continued to rub his tired, aching muscles…and he could feel the tension draining from his body.

And then he felt her lips…soft and tender against his right shoulder.

And he heard something whispered so softly.

"I still love you, Kelly…I love you so much."