The coolness of his lips on my neck causes me to stir; I look down seeing his head resting on my breast. He still holds my arms in a vise grip. I try to wiggle out of his hold, but he tightens his hold and nuzzles my chest kissing me roughly, his other hand working down my body. I whimper trying once more to free my hands again. He growls slightly
"Stay" he demanded cupping my sex.
I turn against him and jerk my hands down. He bites my shoulder lightly with his teeth making me gasp. Sighing quietly and shaking a little from his rough treatment I feel him kiss my neck.
"Mine"
My stomach churns as bile rises in my throat. I couldn't tolerate the feeling after my memories. The mixture on the past and present made me want to vomit.
He holds my bare body against his chest. The soft fabric of his shirt brushed on my nude body as he shifts in the bed. The sensation pulls me back to the boy on me. He had moved his head to my stomach rubbing his cool cheek against my hot skin.
I couldn't stand it any longer.
I feel sick to my stomach sensing the dull ache deep in the pit of it. I dare myself to move pushing him off roughly. He growls, but I ignore the sound and slide off the bed landing on the wood floor banging my already wounded knee. The sickness was over powering, I wheeze crawling towards the bathroom. My vision was fuzzy as I struggled with the doorknob.
I finally wrench the door open lunging to the toilet, gripping it and pulling myself up to it. I retch forcefully, feeling the hot acid working its way up my throat. I throw up into the bowl and the smell causes my body to heave more. I start shaking unable to calm my nerves. My knuckles turn white as I clench the rim holding my head down. My body convulses until I have nothing left to throw up.
Eventually the hurling ceases and I am left coughing trying to catch my breath. My head throbs as I flush the foul smelling goo and lean against the sink. The tile felt cool on my skin causing goose bumps to rise. I pull down a towel covering myself before pulling myself up to a standing position.
I don't bother looking in the mirror knowing how bad I look. My wrist has hand shaped bruising covering them and the vomit clung to my long hair. I shiver miserably feeling weak and enervated. I tremble as I stumble to his shower turning on the hottest water possible. The steamy air is suffocating, but it also feels snug and eased my sore muscles.
I drop the towel and scrub myself clean; the water an aid in my manic state. I needed the memory to stop replaying every time I closed my eyes.
I stay in the water long enough for my skin to shrivel before I deem myself clean.
Slowly I opening the door back to the bedroom seeing him curled into the blanket still in a deep sleep. I grab my bag full of clothes pulling on my most modest and covering under garments along with a pair of blue jeans. I see his sweater on the floor. I take it into my hands smelling him on it. That scent did not smell like the beast that attacked me in my dreams. This smelt cool and earthy. I slip it on enjoying the fragrance surprisingly.
Sitting on the bed I see the notebook beside me. I needed a way to tell him how I felt. I knew there was no way I could repeat what happened in my dream without crying and wanting to kill him.
I hold his notebook in my hands. If he was honest about everything being in there then that memory should be there. I skim pages waiting to spot a familiar phrase.
"Little whore"
I see the light cursive with sharp curves. Scanning lower I see it was the right page. I grip it tightly fully prepared to throw it at his sleeping form, but the writing stopped me.
"Nix fought me the entire time. I have never felt like a monster until the events of last night."
My fingers gingerly touched his writing feeling the grief and anguish ooze into my veins. The betrayal he had felt was still persistent despite the years passed. I glance towards the sleeping adolescent. He had ended up removing his shirt at some point of the day leaving his pale chest exposed. I take in the tattoos and smooth flesh feeling my body respond not with the disgust I felt earlier, but familiarity and compassion.
He was all I wanted. He would be all I ever wanted. However, the logical part of my mind refused to overlook his actions last night. I peek at my wrists seeing the deep contusions that were in the middle of their healing process. Of course what he did last night wasn't okay, but what if I had done something to trigger it? What if I had done someone in the past to make him feel the need to take all control?
Last night passes through my mind, his behavior along with his devious touching making me both crave and fear him. It would be much easier to feel some source of odium for him if the whole thing had not felt so strangely breathtaking. Even when I was the most afraid my body still wanted him more than anything. It was this that had me completely baffled. How can your body and heart still love someone who was capable of such malevolence?
I hold the book closely to my chest embracing the pain. I open it and continue to read.
'I left Nix angry before I left.
She woke a little after me watching me pull on my trousers and buckling my belt. She asked where I was heading, but I didn't answer causing her to frown and come to help me button my shirt, her warm hands brushing my bare chest calmly. She straightens my collar before asking again. I didn't want to tell her I needed to feed for she always became uncomfortable from the idea of me feeding from anyone, but her.
"I will be back soon" I promised kissing her neck savoring her flavor.
She smiled running her hands through my locks and kissing my lips tenderly
"Please stay?" She begged holding me closer
"Soon" I say breaking our embrace
she looks down hurt letting her arms fall to her sides lifelessly.
"It isn't fair." She grumbles
"Fair? What do you mean?"
"I am yours and expected to be yours alone, yet you are allowed to prow the night and flaunt yourself about like a harlot."
Her words shock me, but are not new. This has quickly become one of our ongoing battles.
"Nix, we have gone over this." I try, but she interrupts
"It doesn't mean I condone your actions."
I go to pull her in a hug, but she shrugs away.
"I love you and only you." I promise taking her hand.
"I feel the same; nevertheless, I do not allow others to partake in our love."
"I usually find your jealously endearing, but tonight you are merely pestering me."
Her eyes shoot up at me and she yanks her hand back.
"Then be on with your departure. I wouldn't want to bother you further."
With that she walks out of our quarters into the main room to sit near Eric who was lounged out by the fire reading a book. He smelt of fresh blood from his earlier meal. He looks up at Nix, who was all, but pouting.
"Good evening Nix." He tries despite the shake of my head in warning.
She nods to him brows furrowed still upset from my last comment.
I come to her brushing hair from her neck and kissing her cheek whispering in her ear
"I am yours and you are mine. I love you."
She allows the kiss, but I can tell she was hurt.
I kiss her a final time before heading out of the door.
The streets were still busy with pubs and whore houses beckoning humans at every corner. Finding a meal wouldn't take anytime and then I get back to Nix. I couldn't feed from her when I had this type of hunger, knowing I would lose control and attack her unintentionally. Her blood was so potent it was near intoxicating.
I turn down a busy street spotting a young woman with frizzy red hair exiting a pub carrying a large crate. Smoothly, I walk over coming up beside her.
"Do you assistance ma'am?" I offer a hand
She jumps turning to me with a smile. She had the ability to be quite beautiful if given the chance. One could see by her freckle ridden skin and light green eyes shining in the moonlight that she showed her potential. Her dress was torn and worn, but suited her somehow.
"Thank you, but I think I can manage." Her voice was rough and quiet.
I take her arm turning her to face me
"Are you should you do not need assistance?" My words calm as I stare into her eyes.
"I suppose you could help." She answered
I rub her cheek and walk her down the alley before grabbing her neck and pushing her back against the wall. She stays limp in my arms as I dig my fangs into her boney neck. She tasted cold and bitter compared to Nix, but I was so hungry I didn't mind. I lift her skirt working myself inside of her hearing a slight gasp leave her lips. She struggled slightly, but was growing weaker with every drop of her blood leaving her body. Her pulse began slowing as I feel my release and prick my finger on a fang healing my bite mark. She grows cold as I lay her on the ground wiping the blood from my chin.
I find a few other unfortunate meals feeling something within Nix change as I feed, her anger fading into passion. I ignore the sensation as I finish my last snack and head back home, but it seemed to grow stronger the closer I got. When I reach our door I hear soft moans and determined grunts from within.
"Eric Please!" Nix cried.
I throw open the door seeing Eric on top of a bare breasted Nix thrusting into her roughly. She had her legs wrapped around his back calling out his name in bliss while he came deep inside of her.
I stare at the two bodies render speechless. How could they do this? I had warned them both countless times they were not permitted to be together unless I approved it. Eric bent down and gave Nix a passionate kiss.
"What are you doing?" I demand
They both freeze and I could feel Eric's sudden realization of the mistake he just made. Nix closed her eyes in horror.
I rush towards them yanking Eric out of her causing her to yelp.
Throwing Eric against the wall I see Nix trying to pull her dress on. Eric wheezes waiting for his broken ribs to mend themselves. I stalk up to him ready to strike again when Nix runs beside me grabbing my arm
"Godric please don't" she cries trying to calm me
My hand makes a cracking sound as it makes contact with her cheek.
She cups her cheek staring at me in fright backing away quickly. I reach out catching her around her waist holding her firmly even with her fighting. I command Eric to stay until I came for him while dragging Nix to our bedroom
She whimpers as I toss her to the floor and glare down. I have never wanted to beat her, but it was all I could do not to beat her to a pulp. I shake my head in disgust as she tries to cover her kiss bruised breast.
Weaving my hands in her long hair I pull her to her knees feeling her nails dig into my wrists
"Let me go! You don't own me!" Her voice showed the fear she was attempting to disguise with hate.
The words sting and infuriate me. I jerk her up and sit on the bed hauling her over my knee as if she was a child. I tug up her dress and land a succession of swats on her bottom leaving red welts. She cries out in pain and humiliation, but I did not really hear her. I needed something to occupy my hand so I didn't choke the life out of her. She struggles in my hold trying to scurry out of my touch. I continue the beating until her skin felt like it was aflame under my hand. I look down seeing her flesh. I had covered every possible spot of her skin with impressions of my hand.
I stand up feeling numb hearing the thud as she falls from my lap. She whimpers shaking on the ground not covering her skin up. My feet carry me to the chest on the other side of the room. I snap my fingers pointing
"Come." I demand
She looks up with apprehension towards the chest, but comes forward
"Take out the rope." I felt drained and couldn't even look at her.
I hadn't felt this hopeless since I was a human. I swallow trying to keep from weeping.
She looks up her face white and eyes pleading with mine.
I turn my attention to the bed.
She reaches in and pulls it out. I extend a hand waiting to take it from her. Instead she drops it at my feet backing away.
"What has gotten into you tonight? Aside from Eric."
Nix's glares at me face turning a deep shade of red. She strikes across my cheek. The pain leaves me unfazed, but the damage to my heart was done.
"Pick it up." I say, though it felt more like a plea.
I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted to grab her in my arms and tell her I would never feed from another.
"NO" she hissed shaking her head.
I pinch behind her neck a throw her on the bed pinning her down. She struggles, but the rage filling my veins made most of her fighting futile. I look down at her. She looked terrified and angry. Her dark chestnut hair in a halo around the blankets, eyes red from crying, and her body covered in an adrenaline based sweat. She stared at me shamefully.
I see a mark on her neck and smell Eric all over her.
"Little whore" I snarl spitting on her skin.
Tears leak from her eyes as she blinks. The damage of my words etched on her face.
I get off of her and walk out slamming the door.
Eric stays in the same spot I left him. He had red streaks covering his cheeks and bare chest.
He goes to speak, but I punch him in the jaw with all of my force.
He looks at the ground not bothering to wipe the blood trickling out of his mouth
"Whose proposal was it?" I demand
He shrugs pitifully
"It was mutual."
I growl striking him again
"Who initiated it?"
He looks up shamefully
"I did."
"You were aware she was mine?"
"Yes"
I inhale trying to decide how to handle this.
"You betrayed me. Get out of my sight until I call for you." I hiss
He nods walking void of all emotions to his room
I sit in one of the chairs burying my head in my hands. I knew this would happen eventually, but never expected it to hurt so much. My stomach felt vacant and I felt defenseless. I loved Nix more than any other, yet her actions made me feel as if a stake had been driven through whatever semblance of a heart I had. She was mine, she promised to be only mine. My body shook with rage; I wanted to drain her dry. I wanted to beat her senseless and most of all I wanted to forgive her.
She screams from within the bedroom, voice holding so many emotions. I slowly get to my feet knowing what needed to be done.
She hides her face when I come in locking her knees together as I let my fingers slide the fabric off of her legs.
"Are you ready to apologize my little trollop?" My voice sounding cold and harsh
"Go to Hell, I can be with whomever I please!"
She spits at me. It was easy to tell both of us were ignoring the hurt and focusing only on our anger towards each other.
I take by the throat holding her down tightly
"You are mine! I have warned the both of you countless times and now you betrayed my trust."
The pains behind my words were disguised by the enmity of my voice.
She lashed back though
"Are you really jealous Godric? You could have joined us if you pleased." She mocked
my anger boiled over as I struck her across the face with the back of my hand. She stared in disbelief, eyes watering. I didn't want this, but something within me changed. I wanted her to hurt on the outside as much as I did on the inside."
Tears pour down my cheeks as I looked up at Godric still resting. I scan the rest of the page; he discussed the release he felt reclaiming me even though his heart ached knowing I was terrified. How as soon as words left his lips he knew they were the wrong ones. I clutch the book tightly to me wiping stray tears away. He knew he was wrong.
I place the open book beside him before placing a light kiss on his shoulder. The coolness tingling my lips. I take my iPad and a couple of books walking out of the room silently. The house was light tight which made it near impossible to see anything until you found the light switch. I feel the lever letting a dim glow fill the living room or dead room I guess...
Seeing the clock I realize I have about twenty minutes before they wake. I didn't wish to be around either of them right now so I head up the stairs to one of the rooms with a porch. Opening the glass door, I spread my wings a little letting the air ruffle them. Climbing on the railing I pull myself onto the roof placing my books and such around me. I turn on some music and lean back trying to go somewhere else.
The music fills the open space around me drowning out any of my bothered thoughts. I listen to the words of a sweet lullaby-like song allowing it to fill me with hope. The words come easy and soon I sing along as if assuring myself I would be okay.
"Nix?" Godric's quiet voice interrupts my thoughts.
I stop singing, but don't answer.
He comes beside me standing hesitantly
"Would you mind if I sat?" He stays a reasonable distance from me.
I shrug and scoot a little allowing him room.
He sits cross legged looking up at the stars; I stay quiet listening to the next song start. It was bubbly and uplifting as if trying to break the awkward tension it had been thruster into. I let it continue needing some source of normalcy. Godric looks over at me our eyes meeting. His thoughts swirling with guilt and anguish
"I apologize for last night. I should have stopped the minute you started-"
"Its fine. Really." I assure looking to the tree in front of me watching the leaves dance in the breeze
"It isn't Nix. I lost contr-"
"You didn't. Godric, I promise its fine. Not to say I didn't consider pouring bleach on your clothes this morning, but I will be fine." I take his hand casually.
"Do you wish to talk about it?"
"No"
He nods holding my hand tighter. The contact felt both foreign and normal all at once.
"Nix?" I turn to look at him seeing him place my hand in his lap
"Yes Godric?"
"I know I cannot apologize for the past, but I am sorry. I am so sorry I hurt you." He hung his head lowly refusing to look at me
I stare at young vampire beside me who looked so small and fragile compared to the monster I saw last night in my dreams. I rub his back tracing shapes with my nails. He looks up curiously, as I continue working a series of small triangles through the fabric of his grey tee shirt. His eyes seem distant as I place another hand on his shoulder scooting closer
"Apologies are unnecessary when we were both in the blame." I place a kiss on his cheek
"But surely you are upset?" He asks shocked by my comment
"But surely you do not wish for me to be upset? I do not wish to be upset with you any longer."
We stay quiet with my hand making small circles over his back. He takes my hand kissing my knuckles tenderly.
"Hey," I pull my hand away causing him to look up "just so this is clear, if you use sex as a punishment again, you'll have to explain to all of your vampire friends how you got beat up by a girl."
He furrows a brow nodding,
"I promise I shall never hold you down again."
I laugh pulling him closer whispering in his ear
"No, that's not what I asked."
His face showed his confusion
"I'm afraid I don't understand?"
"I only ask you finish what you start" I run my nails over his back causing him to shudder.
His thoughts proved he understood my last comment completely as he held behind my neck wrapping his arm around my waist. My body flinches not yet ready for his affections. He realizes it quickly letting go immediately. I stay quiet pulling my knees to my chest.
"I'm sorry. My heart says yes, but I can't get my brain to agree yet." I admit dejectedly.
He takes my hand again
"There is no rush my little firebird."
He kisses my forehead slipping something out of his pocket. He slips my necklace over my head adjusting my chain. I smile tucking it into my shirt before hugging him shyly.
He pats my shoulder awkwardly before standing and jumping off the roof with ease. I smile to myself; leaning back once more listening to another song trying to purged my mind from the thoughts plaguing my mind.
Did either of us actually deserve amnesty for the crimes we committed? Had Godric earn the right for me to fully forgive him of the monstrosities he had inflicted upon my body and soul? Was I entitled to his trust once more even if I betrayed him so blatantly in the past? Perhaps neither of us deserved it. Whether we deserved it or not forgiveness was the only way we would be able to move forward. As easy as I could lash out and run, I wanted to move forward. This has been the first time I actually feel like I'm where I need to be and I am not going to let the past control my future.
Hey Everyone! Sorry this chapter took a while. Hurricane Sandy kind of messed up my writing this week. I know a lot of you weren't thrilled with the last chapter, but hopefully this will show that Godric isn't a horrible person. Please let me know what you think and where you want it to go now.
Much love 3