Author's Note: In case I didn't address it earlier, Catherine is four years older than Heather. So, in the past chapters, while Catherine was a sophomore at NYSD, Heather was a sophomore in high school. I cannot remember nor can I find any place where I've mentioned Heather and Catherine's age difference but in case I did, let me know because this is the right age difference! :)
Disclaimer: I do not own BatB or "One Litre of Tears"
(Yet! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)
One Litre of Tears
by: Keiko Fujiwara
Chapter Twenty: I'm Still Searching for My Golden Fields
Beauty and the Beast
Date: May 14, 2010
"I…F-f-found…a-a…g-g-gold…c-coin…on…the…p-playgr-g round…a-after…sch-school…t-to-d-day."
"Very good." Dr. Marks says to me after I finish saying what he wants me to say. "Now, I want you to produce an 'ah' sound for as long as possible."
Mom and Dad are sitting beside me as I follow Dr. Mark's orders. Since my health has declined quite a bit, they want to ensure my appointments are going as well as they can. Plus, it's crucial for them to be present because they'll have to start taking care of me more once I graduate from NYSD next week.
"A-ahhhh…ahhhh….ahhhh—" Before I could continue with my ah's, I start coughing. Dr. Marks helps me raise my arm to open up my airway more so I can breathe. Eventually, I stop coughing and sit up in pain. I cough a lot more now and my throat starts burning after each episode. I hate it! I absolutely hate it!
"Catherine, you're having more difficulty in producing higher pitched sounds. And, as you have just experienced, the more you talk, the harder it is for you to breathe without pausing frequently. It's gotten to the point where your sound is starting to sound more like a breath rather than a voice at all. I don't mean to upset you, Catherine, but I suspect that you'll lose full use of your vocal cords sometime within the year. You're disease has progressed so fast that there's no telling when you'll completely lose your voice but just be prepared when it does happen."
I nod in response as Mom asks, "Anything else, Dr. Marks?"
"Not at the moment. If I think of anything, I promise to call you immediately. I would like to see her again next Sunday at the same time." Dr. Marks states as he points to his calendar. "Will that be all right?"
"It shouldn't be a problem." Dad replies while Mom opens the door for me. I move my lever forward once I'm aligned with the door and head out of Dr. Mark's office.
I can't believe it's been almost three years since my diagnosis. It seems like yesterday since I started college at Hudson University.
Strange isn't it? How so much can happen within three years yet it feels like it all happened within seconds. Over the past few years, my voice has gotten hoarser and it's getting harder to produce constant sounds. I really have to think in order to get my message across.
As for my movements? I still can walk but I have to take baby steps and hold on to a beam for dear life if I don't want to fall. Dr. Marks told me that when I stop walking, I won't even be able to hold my own weight. No matter what is going on with me physically, I still make an effort to write in my diary as often as I can.
Even if it hurts like hell, I still write.
Next Thursday is my graduation from NYSD; I have done all I can at that school and there's nothing left for me there. Once I graduate, I will be living at home for as long as I can before I'll have to be hospitalized for the rest of my life.
As Mom and Dad drop me off at NYSD's entrance, my tall, handsome boyfriend waves to me. He walks up to the van and helps me out of my seat by picking me up into his arms and then plopping me into my wheelchair. It has become almost a routine for him to meet me here on Sundays after my appointment. We've made it a weekly priority to visit Inwood Hill Park so we can spend time together. He has grad school during the week and I have…well…I have NYSD. So, Sundays have become our special days to spend our time together.
Every once and a while, Tess stops by to see me but her visits went from once a week to once every three months. She says she's just super busy but somehow I'm not convinced. If she cared enough, wouldn't she take the time and effort to visit me more often?
"Remember, Vincent," Dad states, "If it starts to rain, find shelter and call us immediately."
"Don't worry, Mr. Chandler. I promise to watch after your daughter." Vincent says to my father as he places his hand on top of my shoulder.
"I'll hold you to that, young man."
"I wouldn't expect anything less from New York's finest lawyer." Vincent smirks. Dad simply rolls his eyes as he rolls the window back up. Mom and Dad wave to me before they leave to go home. Before anything else is said, Vincent and I share a quick kiss. "How was your appointment?"
"D-doc-tor…M-m-marks…s-said…I…w-will…m-m-most…like -ly…l-lose…m-my…en-t-tire…v-voice…w-w-with-i-in…th e…y-y-year." I reply very slowly.
"That soon, huh?" Vincent looks at me sadly as he laces kneels down to his knees and takes my hands in his.
"Y-yeah…"
He brings my hands up to his lips as he presses feathered kisses on my knuckles. "Catherine," he places my hand against his face before continuing. "Whenever you do lose your ability to speak, please know I'm here for you. Okay?"
I smile. "I…K-know." We share another kiss together before we finally decide to leave for Inwood Hill Park.
I wonder if anyone could really know how much I love this man. He has always been there for me and is willing to do anything to be with me…even sacrificing his study time. If my boyfriend was any other man, would he still be like Vincent? Or would I not even have a boyfriend? I guess I'll never know.
Beauty and the Beast
Date: Thursday, May 20th, 2010
Unlike typical schools, NYSD's graduation ceremony is quite different. Instead of having this huge convocation where all of the graduates are individually recognized, the families and close friends of the students are invited to this open house kind of ordeal where they get to walk around the hallways and look at all of the students' works. Then, sometime during our little exhibit, the principal, Mrs. Reilly and Miss Peterson will find us (well, will find me) and will hand me my certificate.
I look all around me and see at least fifty or so other people walking along the halls with their handicapped family member. It seems like yesterday when I walked into these doors and met Danielle.
For the longest time, she was my best friend. We understood each other and she always was watching out for me just as much as I was watching out for her. Unfortunately, last fall, she passed away from an infection. I'm not entirely sure how she got it or which infection it was but regardless, her death broke my heart.
So, even if I don't really want to do this graduation, I'm doing it for her. Since she couldn't ever reach this point, I'm finishing for her. Just as I am about to move on ahead as my parents look at the bulletin board with my works on it, Miss Peterson and Mrs. Reilly appear.
"Here you are, Catherine!" Miss Peterson smiles as she hands me my certificate. "Congratulations on completing the program!"
"T-t-thank…y-you…v-ve-r-ry…m-much." I say with a smile.
"Thank you for everything you've done for our daughter." Mom says as she shakes my teacher and principal's hands.
"Your daughter is a very special young woman." Miss Peterson replies. "If you haven't yet, I highly suggest you take a look at her writings. They are phenomenal."
"We certainly will." Dad grins and also shakes their hands.
"Terrific." Miss Peterson nods before she and Mrs. Reilly hurry off to the next graduate.
Suddenly, I see my sister running towards us from down the hallway as she exclaims my name with excitement. I wonder what she's so happy about. When she arrives, I say, "I…th-thought…y-you…w-were…b-b-busy…"
"I was…" Heather squeals as she jumps up and down as if she can't wait to jump to the moon. "But when I received something in the mail, I had to come here directly and tell you!"
"W-w-what?"
She pulls out a folded letter and flashes it in front of my face. "Voilaaaaaa!"
"What is it, Heather?" Dad asks.
"You are looking at my first college acceptance letter! Guess what, Cat?!"
I look at her like she's a crazy woman but she doesn't seem to care just how…embarrassing…she's acting right now.
"You're looking at Hudson University's NEWEST Chandler addition to their roster!" Heather smiles widely. "I'll get to carry on your dream and graduate from there in four years!"
She wraps her arms around me and pulls me into a tight hug. "Because of everything you are, Cat, you have inspired me to do so much with my life! Now I can show everyone at that school just how awesome a Chandler really is!"
I can feel tears starting to form in my eyes as I process this news. Who would have guessed that my little sister would actually be accepted into a college? Certainly not me.
I'm so glad I am still able to pass on a dream that I had to give up. Heather is the best sister anyone could possibly ask for. "By the way, sis, where's the hubby-wannabe?"
"If you're referring to Vincent, Heather, he's still in school so he couldn't make it to her graduation ceremony." Mom says. "Although, he's coming later for her mini party we're holding for her."
"Coolio!" Heather grins. Without another word, all four of us make it over to the bulletin board with my writings on it. We all stand (sit) in silence as we read my poems. One of them was the one I wrote my sophomore year but I focused more on my favorite one yet: Only Human.
Even though I cry
And rain falls from the sky
On the other side
The sun keeps shining bright
Somewhere far beyond
Is where I'm meant to be?
I wonder what will be waiting for me.
I wish I could have done more things
Instead, I ran way
I want to keep chasing my dreams
Like I was on that warm summer day.
If I could have seen what tomorrow brings?
I would not have been able to breathe
Right now, I will need to keep moving forward
Like a boat pushing through a current
Even when I'm sad
I long for happiness
When I close my eyes
I see the other side
When will I be there?
When is my time to end?
I am still searching for my golden fields
As I expect for the sun to come
And I clench my fists as I wait
My palms bleed since the sun never comes
And my tears start to fall down my cheeks
As the moon starts to shine from the horizon
I am used to my loneliness
I will fly away, even though I have no wings
I promise I will move on ahead
Up in the dark sky,
I hope a raincloud bursts
Then the wet roads will start to shine
As the darkness keeps on whispering to me
I will keep heading towards the light
I will keep
Moving on
As I fight
I know it isn't my BEST poem but I love it all the same. I know there isn't a true rhythmic sequence like other poems of mine but I really don't care. I think its disorganization reflects the messiness of my disease. In a few weeks, Miss Peterson will mail my work to me so I can put them into my diary along with all of my other secrets. Maybe one day I'll share my diary with Vincent so at least one person can read them.
As we leave the campus, I cannot help but look back at the school one last time. As Dad puts my things into the car and Mom approaches me, I say softly, "I…w-wond-der…d-do…I…h-have…a-anywh-where…to…g-go… to…a-aft-ter…th-this?"
I think Mom must have heard me because I can hear her sniffling from behind me. I hate making other people cry…but…it's just one of those consequences I have to endure while fighting this disease.
When we finally arrive home, Gimpy hobbles to me and licks my hands since he can no longer sit in my lap. I'm so proud at how strong he's gotten. He may not have full use of one of his legs but he has been able to jump on things and run as fast as four-leggers. If only I could improve like him.
When I went to Hudson University, I thought I would graduate there with high honors…I never thought I would be who I am today. It's funny how the plans you've created for the rest of your life can completely change overnight.
"Why don't you rest up before your little party?" Mom suggests to me as Dad and Heather start rearranging the furniture for tonight's guests.
Instead of giving her a simple yes or no, I nod my head and head towards my room. Even though I don't really want a party, Mom insists I have one. She said it would be a good thing if my friends from Hudson University see how I'm doing. I disagree completely…but…voicing my opinion would be futile. My life is already being controlled anyways. So having my parents control me too isn't much of a change for me.
They say fate is written in the stars…Maybe God didn't give humans the power to decipher the stars because our futures are supposed to remain a mystery. Let's face it; who would want to find out they're never going to reach the age of thirty? Certainly not me.
I guess that's what makes life so precious…the mystery of life gives us the incentive to make our days even more special with the people we love.
I wonder if life will be better later on. Like…will I be able to accept my fate with good graces and still be able to smile like Danielle? Will something great come out of something awful? I wonder if I'll be able to find my own fields of gold throughout this mess. Something good must happen right?
Right?
Beauty and the Beast
The time of my party finally comes but I do not dare leave my room no matter how many times my parents beg. The more time progresses, the more I feel like this party is a super bad idea. I lie on my bed and face the opposite side of the room as Gimpy sleeps against my back. I really don't want to see people right now… Why can't my parents accept that?
Suddenly, my bedroom door opens and closes before I feel Gimpy hopping off the bed. Seconds later, a pair of strong arms wraps around me and pulls me close to the owner's body. He kisses the back of my head before placing his chin against the crook of my neck. "Hey beautiful…"
"H-h-hey…"
He manages to roll me onto my back before pressing his lips hungrily against mine. As much as I would love to wrap my arms around his neck and hold onto him forever, I can't. All I can do is let him do the "talking".
"Why aren't you out there spending time with your family and friends?" Vincent asks me as he pulls me even closer to him.
"I…d-d-don't…f-feel…like…it."
"What if I am with you the entire time? Will you feel better going out there?"
I shake my head. "Y-you…d-d-don't…u-under-st-stand…"
"Then help me." He whispers into my ear before planting a kiss on my forehead. "Help me understand, love." I look away from him as I try to keep my tears from falling but he notices my anguish pretty quickly. "Catherine, what's wrong?"
I don't answer.
"Catherine?" He pulls my chin with his thumb and forefinger until I am aligned with his face. "Honey, what's bothering you?"
As a tear finally cascades down my cheek, I know it's too late to hide my heart from my love. He helps me sit up as he pulls me into a strong and safe embrace before I answer him. "I…I…d-don't…w-w-want…them…t-to…b-be…here."
"Why not?"
"B-be-c-cause…I…I…d-don't…w-want…a-a-an-yone…t-to… s-see…me…l-l-like…this…" I say as I start crying into his shirt.
He rocks me back and forth within his arms as he kisses the top of my head. "Catherine, understand your pain but I think you should go out there and see everyone. I know you don't want people to see how much you've regressed but they care about you as much as your family and I care for you too. Don't let your disease win this fight, love. Go out there and show your disease what you're made of."
"Th-that's…n-not…it…Vin-c-cent." I force myself to say. "I…d-don't…w-w-want…th-them…t-to…r-r-rem-memb-ber… m-m-me…like…th-this."
"Catherine, your body may be affected by this disease but your heart and mind aren't. Believe it or not, your body is not what defines you, my love. And I have to believe that your family members and your friends believe that too. If they loved you for your looks, then they are missing out on the most wonderful woman in the history of the world. After my brothers died, one thing plagued my mind: Why didn't I do enough with them? The three of us were busy but we still could have made the time to actually spend time together. Time is precious, my love but the people we spend it with is even more sacred."
I nod against his chest as my tears soak into his shirt.
"So how about we go out there and face the world together?" Vincent asks as he cups my face. "I promise I'll punch anyone who gives you dirty looks or mistreats you in anyway."
I start laughing a little to his remark and nod. "I…w-w-would…l-like…th-that…v-v-very…m-much."
"Good." Vincent smiles before giving me another kiss. How is it that I ended up with the most intuitive boyfriend in the world? I don't understand it but he seems to know exactly what I'm feeling and finds ways to console me. Maybe Vincent is my field of gold…I can't believe I've been so blind to it but HE is my "something great". He always has been and I feel horrible for not seeing it before. He's my foundation on this earth and I wouldn't know what to do without him.
Beauty and the Beast
May 27th, 2010
Today is Vincent's last day of classes for the spring semester and he's invited me to attend lunch with him after giving me a tour of the campus.
"I'm glad you were able to come today." Vincent smiles as he brushes his thumb across my knuckles. "It really means a lot to me."
"Y-y-you…a-are…a-a-always…th-there…f-for…me…. | I…w-want-ted…t-to…b-b-be…th-there…f-for…y-you." I smile before he leans in to kiss me.
"Well, I'm honored you're here." He whispers into my ear as I suddenly remember one of the reasons I wanted to see him. Slowly, I dig into my bag and pull out a lavender-scented envelop to hand to him.
"What's this?"
"I-i-inv-vit-tat-tion." I say. He takes it from my hand and reads it out loud:
Miss Chandler & Family,
Richard Parkington & Emily Peterson together with their parents, request the honor of your presence at the ceremony of their union on June 12, two thousand ten at 3:00 in the afternoon. Each family member is welcome to bring a significant other if they so choose. We hope to see you on this very special day!
"Do you want me to go with you?" Vincent asks after he finishes reading the rest of the invitation. I nod my head and smile.
"P-pl-please?" I plead him as he squeezes my hands within his.
"I would be honored." He replies before slipping the invitation into my bag. "I even have a tucks hanging in the back of my closet for events like these."
"G-g-good." I say as someone approaches us.
"Keller, is she the girl you've been bragging about for the past two years?"
Vincent turns to look at this stranger and grins. "Yep! She's the one!"
"She…certainly isn't what I expected." He replies.
"And what exactly did you expect, Ty?" Vincent asks with a creepily happy look on his face.
"W-what I mean to say is, V, is that she's much prettier than I had her pegged for!" Ty defends himself.
"Uh-huh…sure…" Vincent rolls his eyes before standing up and grabbing ahold of my wheelchair's handles. Instead of having me use the control stick, he manually moves me away from the table we were sitting at. "Now if you excuse me, Ty, my girlfriend and I still have some things to do and see."
"No problem, man…" Ty replies but Vincent seems to have ignored him. We both know what Ty was really thinking; yet, no matter how strong the truth is, neither of us says a word. Instead, Vincent escorts (if that's the right word to use anyways) me to a different location where we wouldn't be disturbed by the other students.
As Vincent talks about the school's history, I look around and see at least three or so couples walking around the campus and holding hands. It saddens me that I can't even hold his hand properly without something feeling uncomfortable. I really wish I could be more to him and do more with him but all I can do is be there with him…but is that ever enough?
As we leave the school, two students approach Vincent as they call out his name. "Keller!"
Vincent stops pushing me and turns toward his friends (at least I think they are friends of his) with a curious look. "Yes?"
Before they say what they want to say, they look at me judgingly and shake their heads. "N-nothing...Carry on." Afterwards, they ran as fast as they could away from us, making me feel like I'm such a horrible burden on Vincent. Do people not see him the same as I see him?
"Don't worry about those d-bags. They're freshman at this school and don't know anything." Vincent says to me. I sit in silence as he starts pushing me again before I finally say something that's been etching on my heart.
"I…w-wond-der…w-why…p-peop-ple…c-can…w-walk…."
"Hm?"
"Th-they…don't…th-think…ab-bout…it…. | So…I w-wonder…a-about…the…th-things…th-they…can…do…per- haps…w-while…they…are…walking…"
"Like what?" Vincent asks me as he pulls my wheelchair over to the side of the road.
"Wh-when…l-lov-vers…are…w-walking…to-gether…, th-they…must…b-be…thin-king…a-about…their…f-f-futu re….| R-right?"
Vincent looks down to the ground and nods his head. "That's…quite the theory."
"I-it…is…isn't…it?" I say out loud even though I want to really say the thoughts on my own heart. Thoughts like: What is my future like? Will I be with Vincent until I die? Will he want to even be with me when I am finally hospitalized? "T-thank…y-you, …V-vinc-cent…f-for…al-ways…b-being…th-there…f-for… me."
"I will always be there for you, Catherine Chandler." Vincent says before leaning down to give me a chaste kiss. "I promise."
After Vincent drops me off at my home, I go straight to my room to write in my diary. When I manage to pull it out, I grab my pen and, using both of my hands, I start writing fluent sentences on the page.
6/6/10
Vincent & I toured his school & had lunch date. It was fun!
Aside from going out w/ V, I am unhappy at home. Mom & Dad try to make my room comfortable to live in…which is nice but not needed.
I don't want a place that's comfortable to live in. From now on, I will be thinking about I am to continue living…
No matter where I am…I am in pain…lots and lots of emotional and physical pain…and it scares me. I am tired of being scared. I want to be somewhere that will help me learn to live with the abilities that I have.
Is that too much to ask for?
Is it?
~C
I place my diary on my dresser before leaving my room to see if anyone is home. No matter what I feel, it's important to let my family feel special because they're the ones who will be losing me in the end.
Beauty and the Beast
Recently I've been feeling something strange. Sometimes my vision gets blurry and my brain starts to reel. The shape of my right foot has also changed. The joint of my big toe is protruding and the other toes are kind of flat. I feel disgusted thinking that this is my foot. Now I'm 149 centimeters tall and weigh 36 kilograms. I hope my foot won't lose the strength to support my body.
(Aya Kitou, Ch. 4)
Beauty and the Beast
Keiko Fujiwara: I know this chapter jumped around a lot but I hope it all still made sense! :) I don't really have anything to say other than the fact that this story probably has 5 or so more chapters. Other than that, I hope you enjoyed it and PLEASE REVIEW! I cannot stress that enough! I really need input to see what people like and do not like for future VinCat stories. Do you guys like AUs?
Thanks!
Also, if you noticed any typos or something that seems off, please let me know via private message! :)