"I think she killed him."
"What?"
"Last night- I couldn't really see or anything, but it sounded like she was attacking him."
"Wait- where is she?" Ron stammered in confusion.
Dean pointed with a heavily bandaged hand to the opposite quarter of the infirmary where a white divider blocked the beds from view.
"Thanks" Harry said hastily as he patted Dean on his injured arm, causing him to wince and blink back tears. The group of teenagers crossed the ward promptly, Harry and Ron in the front, followed by a lagging Neville and Pansy. The last, who seemed to be enjoying the whole scene immensely, kept her distance but was always close enough to bear witness to the drama.
Harry quickly drew back the white blinds and the motley crew froze at what lay in front of them.
"Holy shit! She really did kill him!" Ron said ecstatically.
"No- no it looks like he's still breathing." Harry said as he leaned forward for a closer inspection. "She isn't holding the pillow down hard enough, look- he can still breathe." Harry pointed to the open air underneath the pillow. "See? His abnormally large, ferret shaped nose keeps him from suffocating."
The group cautiously inspected the sleeping duo, both of whom were very much still alive. Hermione lay parallel to Draco, her hands still clutching at the pillow that covered Draco's face. One of Draco's hands covered one of Hermione's that was holding the pillow; the other was at her waist.
"She must have fallen asleep before she could finish the job." Ron deduced with an understanding nod. "Well, we can just help here out then." He reached out to the fluffy white pillow covering Draco's head and started to press down on it.
"Ron!" Neville shouted as he pulled Ron back. "You can't kill him!"
"Besides," Pansy added demurely, "it looks like they're hugging, not fighting."
"NO!" Ron countered, "Look- she's smothering him! And he's trying to push her away! They hate each other! They're even trying to kill each other in their sleep!"
"I hate to say it Ron, but I agree with Pansy." Harry said as if was the most horrible scenario imaginable. "It does look like Draco's holding onto her, not pushing her away."
"WHAT? Harry, no-" Ron interjected.
"But-" Harry added before Ron could continue, "it does look like Hermione is trying to injure Draco, if not kill him."
"Hmm mmmy ammm mm uu, Aaammm." A muffled voice said from underneath the pillow.
"What?" Ron said ignorantly, though no one else in the group had understood either.
"I said," Draco droned as he lifted the pillow with one hand, " 'How very astute of you, Harry'."
"How so?"
"This thing here is indeed attempting to cause me bodily injury, and I am, for some strange, chivalrous, and incomprehensible reason, holding onto it."
Ron lunged forward, but Neville continued to restrain him.
"And what would that reason be?" Harry said angrily.
"To keep it from falling off this bed and killing itself. For I'm sure that I would somehow be blamed for its rash and violent actions."
"She's not an it!" Ron said angrily as Neville continued to restrain him.
"Really? I couldn't tell." Draco mused malevolently as he consciously flicked a stray curl off of the arm that was closest to 'it'.
Hermione suddenly groaned and shifted closer to Draco, one of the arms that had been grasping the pillow now clung to Draco protectively. Harry and Ron turned livid, while Neville continued to focus on restraining Ron. Draco smirked at this, and Pansy looked darkly amused.
Hermione groaned again. "Snuffelkins…"
The room was ominously silent. Not even those obnoxious crickets that decide to chirp at the most awkward moments dared make a noise.
Ron had turned to pale that the only way you could distinguish him from the white wall behind him was his freckles and flaming hair. Even Pansy looked shocked.
"Snuffelkins?" Ron moaned under his breath, slightly psychotically.
"Dear Merlin, you people have no sense of humor." Hermione said airily as she sat up and jumped off the bed, giving Draco a push in the process that sent him swaying eerily close to another head injury.
"Sweet Merlin's beard, Hermione! What the hell was that about?" Ron gasped, clutching at his chest in surprise. "You nearly killed me there. Snuffelkins? What the hell!"
Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed exasperatedly, giving the bed Draco was on another subtle and quite 'accidental' kick. She hoped that he would, indeed, fall to his doom, and consequently, solve all of those problems that seemed to amass around him. Hermione was not so fortunate, however. Draco had repositioned himself to the center of the gurney, having foreseen at Hermione's malicious intent.
"Well, Ron, you'll be happy to know you weren't the person I was trying to off."
"I told you she was trying to kill him." Ron whispered perversely into Harry's ear.
Harry rolled his eyes. "So what exactly happened here last night, Hermione?"
Now it was Hermione's turn to look peeved. "What do you mean?"
Harry raised an eyebrow as if to say, "You have got to be kidding me".
"Fine. I got pissed at the ferret here, but fell asleep from Madame Pompfrey's potion before I could get back to my bed after the 'attempted murder' or whatever. Did I miss anything, Ferret?"
"No, I believe that was a very thorough explanation, Sugartoes." Draco sneered.
Ron choked on air and Harry winced.
"That's disgusting, Ferret." Ron growled at the white-haired boy.
"What, Sugartoes? Why, do prefer that I call her mudbl-"
"That's quite enough, Snuffelkins." Hermione cut in coldly. "Since we shared our little adventure last night, would you care to give us a little recap what your night was like, for Snuffelkins' and my benefit?"
"Thank you, Sugartoes." Draco added smugly. Hermione kicked the bed sharply once again, sending Draco lurching ominously.
"No one was taking to you."
"Of course not, you were only talking for me, apparently."
"Just shut up, Snuffelkins."
"Could you two please cut the creepy pet names? They're making the rest of us ill." Harry sighed, disgruntled.
"Only if you tell us the charming story of how all of you became so chummy." Hermione said with a false brightness and a creepily large smile that she directed mainly towards Pansy who was trying to hide in the background by this point. She was failing horribly, as she had very dark hair that stood out somewhat against the pure white of the hospital ward.
"I agree with Sugartoes here. Do tell." Draco sat up and leaned towards the group with apparent dire interest in what was about to be said. He even put his arm around Hermione's shoulder, but it was quickly and forcefully knocked off by Sugartoes herself.
"How did you go from calling her 'it' to calling her 'Sugartoes'?" Ron said, his mind straying from the conversation.
"Sugartoes isn't a gender specific name." Draco shrugged, also straying from the conversation.
Hermione cleared her throat wearily. "Come on, people. It's early, and I have a concussion. Let's just get to the point here."
"Someone's not a morning person." Draco noted out loud, much to Hermione's annoyance.
"I know." Ron responded intensely. "You should see her after a all-night study session. Say one thing about her cat or her weight or anything, and she'll bite your head off. Or hex you."
"Really? Then I guess I shouldn't mention to her that her cat looks like it got hit by a car and that hospital robe makes her look fat." Draco baited.
"Would you two girls stop gossiping?" Hermione scowled at the pair.
"Shhh, we're having girl talk time. Something you wouldn't understand." Draco said in a high, girly voice, as he dismissed her with a dramatic hand wave.
Ron laughed as Draco smirked at the ever-reddening Hermione.
"Ron!" Harry said angrily.
"Huh?" Ron looked over at Draco and suddenly remembered that they hated each other. "Oh, right." He gave Draco a death stare and moved closer to Harry, as if Draco had a brain-washing power that only worked if you got too close to him. A theory Hermione was actually considering.
"Can we get back to the point?" Hermione said wearily. "Who here is going to explain for me what happened after Pansy left the infirmary last night?"
"It's quite simple, really." Pansy finally broke in. "I deviously schemed my way into the dormitory by bewitching that portrait of the hideously obese woman. Once I finally managed to break in, I had to hex every Gryffindor in the room, violently and without remorse. The task was easy enough, all in all. The hard part was hiding all the bodies…"
"You forgot the part where you killed the escaped troll." Ron added sarcastically.
"Oh yes, and that too. It smelled awful. Couldn't believe nobody noticed it among all the Gryffindors, but what can I say. You're not the best looking lot. Or the brightest." Pansy said nonchalantly. "It fit right in."
"Right." Hermione said disbelievingly. "So what really happened?"
"It was quite well done, really." Neville said respectfully. "She managed to transfigure her appearance and her clothes. No one noticed her. Harry and Ron didn't even recognize her. When I noticed her, Seamus was hitting on her."
"I think the fake tan had a lot to do with that." Pansy said absentmindedly. "And the blonde hair."
Hermione raised her eyebrows.
"When she finally managed to get the message to us about what happened, we went to go see you, but Filch was standing right outside the portrait hole. I think he has a thing for the fat lady 'cause he was there for ages. And once he finally left, we figured it was too late to see you anyways." Harry explained.
"I liked Pansy's story better." Draco muttered childishly.
Hermione rolled her eyes at him. "Oh, bloody grow up, will you?"
"What is going on here?" Madame Pompfrey questioned harshly as she entered the ward. "I didn't allow any visitors in!" She glared harshly at the intruders who were 'disturbing the peace'. "I know you care for your friends, but –"
"Friend. Not friends." Harry corrected.
"Harsh, Pot head. Harsh." Draco sneered.
"In any case, these patients need rest-"
"They just slept the whole night!" Ron interjected.
"They need to heal-"
"I feel perfectly fine." Draco said cheerily.
"They need-"
"I don't even know why I'm here." Hermione complained.
"Fine!" Pompfrey sighed woefully, and conceded. "I will give you one last checkup, and if I see that you are healed, you may leave."
"That's great!" Neville explained.
"Yes, well, now, OUT. These patients need their privacy." The nurse said adamantly as she shooed away the non-'injured' students.
"Oh, good, Granger. They're gone. Now we can get back to our lusty snogging session." Draco said loudly and dramatically.
"WHAT?!" Ron yelled as he started back towards the wounded duo, causing Pompfrey to forcefully remove him, with a surprising amount of curses muttered under her breath, and Draco to laugh viciously.
After removing the spare students, the nurse, still fuming, hustled Hermione and Draco back to their respective beds, warning them that she would return in a few minutes to check them out.
Draco could have sworn her heard her mutter something about students "violating the sanctity of the hospital ward" as she shut the door to her private office. Though he wasn't sure if she was referring to Potter and his lot, or Hermione and his' sharing a bed for the night.
"Hey, Granger." Draco said seductively.
"What?" She deadpanned in reply.
"Want to violate the sanctity of the hospital ward with me?" He said wagging his eyebrows.
"And how exactly would we go about doing that?" Hermione asked cautiously, shifting to the furthest edge of her bed, not trusting his devious grin.
"Just follow my lead."
…
"Well, Mr. Thomas, you're free to leave. It'll be sensitive for some time, but the skin has re-grown. Be careful, though. The new skin is liable to fall off it is put under too much strain."
Dean looked horrified at the nurse's words and quickly fled the infirmary, carefully protecting his arm by holding it out in front of him.
Pompfrey sighed resignedly as the panic-stricken student exited the area. It never ceased to surprise her how young people seemed to fear getting medical treatment, despite the fact that they had no problem finding ways to injure themselves.
The nurse finally roused herself from her reverie and decided she might as well see to her two remaining patients, for that was her job after all- even though the pay was terrible and the students were, as a whole, ungrateful and uncooperative.
She reached the back of the ward and drew back the colorless curtain that portioned the section off. "Now, I just need to check a few things-" She stopped mid-sentence as she stared dumbfounded at Draco.
"What do you think you are doing?"
"What do you mean?" Draco said defensively.
"Why do you have that chamber pot on your head?"
Draco raised an eyebrow questioningly. "I don't have anything on my head," he turned to Hermione, "do I?"
She faced him disinterestedly. "No. Madame Pompfrey, I think you're mistaken. That's just his face."
"Hey!"
"No- there's a chamber pot on his head! Like a hat! Why…" she blinked several times, "It's gone?"
Draco gave her a worried look.
"Are you alright?" Hermione questioned gently.
"No- yes- I'm fine, it's just-" she looked between the two of them worriedly. The two students stared back, dumbfounded.
"Madame Pompfrey?" Hermione asked nervously.
"What?" The nurse looked at her and jumped in shock. "How? When did you put it on your head, Miss Granger? What is going on?"
"Excuse me," Hermione said sweetly, "but there isn't anything on my head."
"Yeah," Draco added sarcastically, "that's just her hair. It always looks like that."
"It's gone!" The old witch exclaimed nervously. "The chamber pot…"
"I think the old bat's gone loony." Draco whispered audibly to Hermione, who rolled her eyes.
"Madame Pompfrey," Hermione said as she stood up carefully, "Maybe you should lie down, I think you're seeing things. Are you feeling well?"
"Oh, maybe you're right." The nurse said as she sat down on the bed previously occupied by Hermione. "Perhaps I did have too much wine last night…" She mumbled to herself as she started to drift to sleep.
"May we leave now?" Hermione whispered quietly, as not to disturb or startle the woman.
"Yes, yes, of course…"
…
"I think that was the most immature thing I've ever done."
"Yes, well, now that the Dark Lord is dead and all, you and you're 'golden trio' friends are going to have to find less chivalrous ways to spend your free time."
"Yes, well I guess that putting a chamber pot on my head and making an old woman believe she's going insane definitely falls under the category of 'less chivalrous'."
Draco smirked. "I never thought I would see Granger in such a compromising and humiliating position. I must say, however, I enjoyed it thoroughly."
"Dear Merlin, you need a life." Hermione scolded lightly. "Preferably one that doesn't revolve around other people's –namely my- humiliation." She smiled at him amiably. "Though I will admit, it was rather amusing."
"That's the spirit." Draco said as he draped an arm around her shoulder casually.
An easy silence fell over them as they continued to walk down the cold corridors of Hogwarts on their way to breakfast. Hermione was the first to break it.
"This is unexpected."
"What?"
"We're not fighting."
"For about thirty seconds there, yes."
"You're touching me and I'm not killing you."
"Your powers of observations have once again not failed you. Your point?"
"I just never thought I'd see the day."
"I know you're muggle born and everything, but seeing as you're know for being an 'insufferable know-it-all' I thought you would have figured out by now that this is Hogwarts. Anything can happen."
Hermione stared at him openmouthed, in shock.
"Whaaat?" He whined as he pouted slightly.
"Did you seriously just say that? That is like the most cliché line I have ever heard."
"I think it's the head trauma. Don't get the idea that I actually like you or anything."
"Of course not." Hermione said a smile.