(Author's Note)
I HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ. (hangs head) It just kind of happened. This is the most crack I've ever been. THE BLOCK MADE ME DO IT!!! I got a stupid idea and I ran like an idiot with it.
Dedicated to Kinnikinnick because, well, I enjoy long PM's and Reviews. The longer it is, the happier I feel.
I do hope it's funny...
Quote(s) of the Day: "I'm so happy, I'll stab your ass!"—ICP, "Mr. Happy"
"Whaddaya mean I can't get an egg McMuffin?! Just 'cause it's after eleven?!"—"No, sir, because this is a bank."—Dave Nasher, Comedian; on being drunk
"You're not drunk until you think you have to clutch the grass on your lawn to keep from falling off the face of the earth."—some comedian whose name I can't for the life of me remember.
Awareness: The Anonymous Cyh
(The entire cast of TIG and TS suddenly falls into a mass coma and finds itself in the Therapy Dimension. No rhyme or reason, they just do, so deal with it. The author is suffering from extreme Blockage and this is her way of venting the frustration.
Anyway, they get up in a daze and stare around at the whitewashed, pristine walls of a large group therapy room in a clinic, surprised at how many ficus trees there are cluttering the perimeter. A desk piled high with books sits in an alcove near a large window. Stray copies of Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead, Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and Moore's A Dirty Job lie scattered on the floor beside the desk, among other works.)
Sanzo (viciously): Konran! Did you do this?!
Kon: (frowns at the priest as though he's being accused of having intimate relations with a turnip) Is everything my fault to you? If a child is eaten by cannibals in the Amazon, am I to blame?
Lyds (muttering): Probably.
Kon (indignant): That's just stupid.
Hakkai (smiling): Okay, before we start leaping at each other's throats, why don't we first try and figure out what has happened?
(Suddenly, a door which no one has noticed clicks open, and in walks a young woman wearing a white lab coat, red-rimmed glasses, and a light-auburn ponytail.)
Doctor (grumbling under her breath): ...told him not to put it in the microwave, but does he ever listen? NO! NEVER! How the HELL am I supposed to heat up my chicken adobo with a wad of shrapnel...?
(The Doctor realizes that she isn't alone in the room—in fact, there are many people, all of them staring in bafflement for various reasons. She squints. She removes her glasses, cleans them thoroughly, and replaces them, only to squint some more.)
Doctor (five minutes later): By George! There are people in my office!
Yumoa (hopping up off the floor and skipping over to the surprised physician.): Hiya, Cyh! How's it goin'?
Cyh (shocked): What are you people doing here?
Yumoa: Arguing. Think you can help them work out their issues? They've got a lot of them.
Cyh (trembling slightly): Erhem...well...if Sanzo puts the gun down...perhaps...
(Hakkai shoots a maliciously sweet smile at the monk, who shudders against his will and quickly replaces the weapon under the pretense that his hand is cold.)
Hakkai (to Cyh): Go on.
Cyh (with a twitching eye): Right. Uhhh. Grab a seat, everyone! Let's see if I can fix you. (trails off) ...I gotta lay off the caffeine...maybe sleep more, too...
Yumoa (cheering): YAY! We's gonna gets ourselves fixdeded!
(Cyh raids a mini fridge for caffeine anyway as the confused and disgruntled characters gather into a motley pow-wow, with the desk at one side of the circle. After chugging half a liter of Dew, she sighs and sits at the desk, propping her chin on a fist and frowning at them all. Kougaiji raises his hand like a middle-school student and she stares at him, fascinated at the sight.)
Cyh: Kougaiji, what are you doing?
Kou: Aren't we supposed to raise our hands to speak?
Cyh: I'll tell you when you can speak.
Kou (after a pause): How about now?
Cyh (sighing): Whatever. Go ahead. (makes shooing motion with free hand)
Kou: Well, I just wanted to point out that all of this really is Konran's fault.
Kon: Like hell! Why is everything my fault?!
(Cyh slams a fist on the desk and the god falls silent.)
Cyh: Good boy. Now stay put and shut up until I tell you to talk. Got it?
(Konran nods meekly.)
Lyds (impressed): Man, I need some of your mojo, 'cause he never listens to me.
Cyh: Of course he listens to me. All of you have to listen to me. That's what being an author is all about—the God complex and all that goodness.
Kon: Hey, Yumoa and I are the only gods here!
Cyh (glowering in a rage): You will remain silent. If you do not remain silent, I will have you sent to prison. In prison, I will make certain that large men pass you around like currency. Understand, Pretty Boy?
(Konran shuts up and looks away, afraid of what might happen to a guy like him in prison—completely forgetting the fact that, as a god, he really shouldn't be worried at all. Gojyo laughs, earning himself an unhappy frown from Hakkai.)
Gojyo: Sorry...
Lydiclone: I think I should have a chance to talk!
(Sanzo's irritation-sense goes haywire and the clone finds herself at the business end of a Smith and Wesson.)
Sanzo (whispering to himself): Just one bullet, and all the pain will go away...
Goku (nervous): Sanzo? Um, maybe you shouldn't.
Hakkai (deadpan): It's okay, Goku. We don't need her in the cast.
Gojyo: But what about the plot? Isn't she supposed to be essential to the plot?
Cyh (shaking her head): I don't know anymore. Honestly, Sanzo has every right to shoot her dead. He's angry enough over Lydia, so he should at least be allowed to feel like he's killing her, right?
Lydiclone: Preposterous! How could you even presume to compare me to her?!
Cyh (in realization): Excellent point. That would be an inexcusable insult to Lydia. But still, Sanzo needs the therapy, and killing you is the most logical path.
Gojyo (appalled): THERAPY?! LOGIC?!?!? How the hell is that true?! That's something a psycho would say, isn't it?!
Lyds: Hey, don't knock psychos. We're a respectable bunch once you get to know us. Besides, I don't like Yon She-Bitch. Sanzo, go ahead and shoot her. Many times. I want an indecipherable mass of pulverized meat bits at my feet.
Goku (satisfied with the explanations): I'm hungry... (He is ignored, and Sanzo puts the gun away, bored already.)
Aries (staring at the entire group): Why am I here?
Cyh (sagely): Excellent question. Why are we here? What is our purpose? (smirks suddenly) Or, rather, what is your purpose?
Gojyo: Hey, I'm talkin' here! Hello? Oy!
Cyh (continuing as though Gojyo isn't waving his arms to catch her attention): I'll tell you what your purpose is! Every single one of you, your purpose is to ENTERTAIN THE MASSES!
(A silence fills the room. Nervously, the characters look at one another and wonder what their supposed "purpose" entails.)
Aries (frowning slightly): Uh, no, really. How did I get here? Where's Eris?
Lirin (to Cyh, appearing on Aries' shoulder): By "entertain", d'ya mean we gotta sing an' dance an' stuff?
Comedy (shaking his head): Naw, she's talkin' 'bout the fanfic. She's the real reason why Togenkyo is fallin' apart.
Lirin: Oh...that's not nice.
Cyh (nodding): Indeed. I'm also the reason why Konran is an emotional train wreck.
Konran (stunned and enraged): WHAT?! That was YOU?! How could you do such a thing?! And let me take all the blame?!
Lyds (chuckling to herself): We love to hurt the ones we love.
Cyh: I torment you so because I can't torment Andy.
Kon (suddenly suspicious): Andy? Who's Andy?
(Cyh takes another swig of Dew, contemplating the bouquet before nodding approval and speaking.)
Cyh: Andy is your predecessor, so to speak. He's so much cooler. I made you just so I could put you through the kind of hell my heart longs to put Andy through. Problem is, Andy's my precious. I can't hurt my precious. Much.
Lyds: Hey, I call Kon Andy while we're in the real world.
Cyh: That's because I couldn't come up with a better nickname for him. Comedy already had Yossarian. Man, that was fun. (grins wistfully) That was back when I still had the spark. Anyway, it was ether Andy or Gunter von Christ. You got lucky, slave-god.
Lyds (curious): So...so Kon is Andy, but not Andy Andy.
Cyh: Basically.
Lyds: Can I meet him? Andy Andy, I mean.
(Konran snaps and quickly tackles Lydia to the ground, restraining her arms and legs in his lap and covering her mouth with his free hand. Everyone gawks in surprise.)
Kon (shrugging defensively): She's mine, and no two-bit copycat can take her from me.
Cyh (insulted beyond comprehension): Excuse me? You're the copy. I MADE YOU IN HIS IMAGE. Don't you dare insult my precious! I brought you into this world, and I could totally kill you off if I felt like it!
Kon (defiantly): No, you can't!
(Suddenly, a swarm of bees appears and converges on the terrified God of Chaos, stinging him a million times and sending him into an anaphylactic shock of epic proportions. He is pronounced dead at two-fifteen A.M. on November 28th, 2007. May he rest in peace.)
Cyh (smug-as-hell): See? Told you so.
Sanzo (pissed-off, but startled nonetheless): What the fuck was that? Why did bees just kill the idiot? HOW did bees just kill the idiot?! Bees don't just appear out of thin air!
Lyds (devastated): No! Kon! (grovels at Cyh's feet) You have to bring him back! He's the only one! The only one...(sob)...who can get me back to my DVD collection!
Eris (sitting in a corner of the room and glancing up from Vogue in surprise): Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that I've been tearing my hair out over this girl possibly spawning pathetic demigod grandchildren when in reality she's just using Chaos to get back home?!
(Everyone glances at the Goddess, then nervously looks away, afraid to make eye contact.)
Cyh: No, I';m just taking liberties right now because I don't know what's gonna happen next in the story line. May as well please my seven or eight raging fans. (smolders quietly)
Sanzo (still pissed): Look, he can't just suddenly die in a swarm of bees! There has to be some sanity left in this story line! And BEES?! What the HELL!? Who gets killed by BEES?!
Cyh: Sanity? Nope. And thank you for quoting Dane Cook. That man is a genius.
Gojyo: Still, you shouldn't just kill Kon like that. It's a little too weird.
Eris (approaching the group): I agree! My son deserves a more honorable death. He was a bastard and a lecher, but he was still my boy.
Cyh (frowning in irritation): Fine. Have it your way, but don't come crawling back to me when he turns all evil again and tries to break Lydia! I won't care! I'll laugh as you all writhe in torment! HA-HAH?! SEE?! Laughing.
(Before anyone can add any other absurd requests to the list, the floor at the center of the pow-wow circle explodes in a hail of fire and brimstone and vomits out a shell-shocked Chaos. He is naked, shivering, and caked with ash. In an attempt to speak, he chokes on more ash and goes into a coughing-fit.)
Doku (to Kon): Look, I've been meaning to tell you this for a while, and this is probably the best time for it, so I want you to know that your communication skills need some work.
Yaone: Yes. Lydia is smart enough to understand words, but you're not making any sense at all. Also, what happened to your clothes? Is this why you were naked before? Because that doesn't make sense--chronologically, of course.
Cyh (musing): Maybe I'll just keep Lyds here with me. She's got an interesting way of seeing the world...and I'd really like to borrow some DVDs.
(Finally, Konran manages to hack up the last of the gritty dust and point an accusing finger at Cyh, who merely stares in fascination while intermittently watering her ficus trees around the desk.)
Kon (still naked): Lydia's also clinically insane and emotionally defunct, but I still love her! I've only had her for a few chapters! (stares at Cyh with desperation in his gaze) Don't take that away from me! If you're in charge, I'm begging you not to ruin the only happiness I've got!
Cyh: Eh? What are you complaining about? At least you got laid! I could have easily dragged your torture out longer than that. Hell, I could have waitied 'til Spawn of the Sequel to fulfill your fantasies.
Zakuro (standing suddenly and sweeping his pointed finger across the group): I, Zakuro, shall take over this dimension and claim it for my Lady! (His finger lands on Kon.) You! Whiny man! You make my ears bleed! You shall feel the bitter sting of my powers!
(Without warning, the lights go out, casting the entire room in pitch-darkness. However, after a few tense seconds, the light's flicker back on.)
Goku (mildly disturbed): Um...this is...not right...
(The rest of the cast turn their attention to their surroundings and become very confused.)
Cyh (looking at the neon pink wall clock hovering precariously over the jet-puffed volcano): Hot damn, it's already two-thirty AM? I've got class at eight in the morning! Curse you all for distracting me from sleep!
Comedy: But you don't really sleep. (He shies away from a lurid green capybara as it trundles through the dense violet grass.) That's a scary panda...
Kou (tentatively): This may seem a bit redundant, but where are we?
Zakuro: Oh, I give up! (He goes to sulk in a corner and mutter motivational catch-phrases to himself.)
(Sanzo frowns as an enormous, polka-dotted mallard duck waddles past him into the chicken noodle pond, and wisely closes his eyes, lighting a cigarette and pretending to be somewhere less convoluted. Noticing this, Cyh sits abruptly on the stump of a giant felled asparagus spear and claps loudly to gather everyone's attention.)
Cyh (resignedly): Okie-dokie, if Zakuro is going to take us along on his acid trip, fine, but I insist that we get something productive done before the euphoria wears off.
Lyds: I don't feel very euphoric. Actually, I'm kinda thirsty.
Cyh: As the author of this madness, it is my duty to ensure that my characters' needs are taken care of. Thus...
(She snaps her fingers, and a soft rustling noise approaches Lydia through the grass. All but Yumoa and Sanzo gawk in bewilderment as a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew swaggers up and stops in front of her.)
Big Daddy Pimp Dew (talkin' like a true playa): Yo. I'm hurr ta quench ya thirst, purdy lady. Care ta take a sip?
Kon (horrified...though he's not quite certain as to why): Get away from my Lydia, you...you DRINK!
Big Daddy Pimp Dew (mildly contemptuous): You her pimp, playa? Cuz I'mma cap yo ass if'n ya be steppin' on mah turf. I's gots mah own bitches 'n' hoes, yo. Dere ain't no mo' room fo' mo', nigga'.
(Right on cue, half a dozen one-liters of Code Red Light District strut out of the brush, flanking their sugar daddy like good little minions and addressing Kon.)
CRLD1: Baby, dis one be buggin'.
CRLD2: Naw, dat dere's jus' a boy. (seductively) Hey, suga', you wanna go have some fun? (She eyes the naked god...though, since she has no eyes to speak of, nobody notices.)
Big Daddy Pimp Dew: S'okay, girls. Dis li'l whiny-ass bitch don't gots nuffin' on us. Let's git outta hurr.
(Lydia stares in fascination as the bottles of soda swagger away into the bushes, then joins everyone else in scrutinizing Cyh for an explanation.)
Gojyo (cautiously): Yeah...that was...that was...different.
Doku: I've never been to any other dimensional planes before, and I'm really not sure if this is one or not, but I have to ask anyway. Was that...that thing just now—was that normal?
(Chy shakes here head solemnly, and Doku frowns, beginning to fear that something has gone horribly wrong with this world.)
Kon (utterly confused and in serious mental anguish—modestly covered with a glittery pink palm frond): How am I supposed to react to being insulted by a bottle of soda?
Lyds (matter-of-factly): Well, whenever I started telling people about crap like that, I'd end up spending a few hundred hours under the scrutiny of Doctors Renfield and Faith. Then I'd play with Rubik's Cubes until my face went numb and my fingers began to bleed.
Kon (sympathetically): That's terrible! You shouldn't tell people about it when you're hallucinating. The only time the men in white coats need to get involved is when the hallucinations cause you to make enormous scenes in public.
Hakkai (thoughtfully): I think that would be a point of no return.
Yaone: I think we passed the point of no return around chapter one of Irony Gods. Anything from then on was just our further descent into madness.
(The whole group nods soberly, completely understanding her logic. Sanzo turns his back on the rest of them and lights another cigarette, ignoring the noise as Goku scoots over next to him and starts prodding for food.)
Kou: So are we going to get any of this "therapy" done or are we just going to talk about nothing until we get sucked into some other dimension?
Cyh (raising her brows and sipping her less-pimpish Dew): That depends on you guys. Who has the worst problems?
(All eyes flicker to Sanzo's back, then quickly settle on something neutral—like the vivid red sky, or the violently yellow deer grazing next to a nearby chocolate milk stream, or Pamela Anderson's ridiculously large breasts. After a long, uneasy silence, Gojyo raises his hand.)
Cyh: You there, the redhead with antennae.
Gojyo (annoyed): You know who I am!
Cyh: I'm feigning ignorance in order to mentally distance myself from whatever's wrong with your head. That way, I won't feel guilty when your brain illness ultimately destroys you.
(Gojyo's eyes widen, and he glances around at the circle.)
Gojyo (flatly, forgetting what he was talking about): I'm not mentally ill.
Cyh (in a concerned tone): How does that make you feel?
Gojyo (very confused): Um...glad? Who wants to be mentally ill?
Lyds: I don't mind it. My life's way more fascinating than yours is. Crazy isn't necessarily a bad thing. They say that most geniuses are insane, and many of the insane are geniuses who can't properly communicate their thoughts. By the way, I'm still thirsty.
Lydiclone: You're so annoying! The only crazy thing about you is your violent behavior!
(Without notice, a ficus tree flies through the air and smashes into the Lydiclone's face, spattering blood all over the nice purple grass, a stubbornly tacit Seimei, and an indifferent Aries.)
Lyds (smirking evilly): Come again? What's wrong with a little violence?
Kon (proudly): Nothing at all. (He pulls her into a tight hug, suddenly picks her up, and marches her into some nearby bushes.)
Cyh (staring after them in uncertainty): Why do I keep getting this bizarre feeling that I should have put land mines there?
(The answer arrives in the form of embarrassing moans and cries, and, like a startled flock of pigeons, the entire group gets up suddenly and leaves the acid dream. Once out, they find themselves in the normal room once more, though Lydia and Konran lie at opposite ends of the room, muttering incoherently and drooling copiously; and Zakuro is huddled in a corner, giggling to himself as he plays the role of voyeur.)
Hakkai (to Cyh): Am I right to assume that you probably won't be able to help us?
Gojyo: Yeah, are you even a real doctor?
Cyh: Of course I'm a doctor. I'm just not a psychologist or a therapist or whatever you thought I was. I'm a hematopathologist. I study blood diseases. Or maybe I'm an anesthesiologist?
Gojyo (squinting in disbelief): You don't know?! What's with the doctor coat, then?!
Cyh (glances at the coat, then shrugs): It's what I wear in Organic Chemistry. That way I don't get that rank Benzyl Methyl Ether all over my regular clothes. The smell stays forever on my hands, though. (makes face)
Kougaiji (flatly): I think we should leave.
Cyh: Exit's thataway. (She points to a large doorway with the words "PORTAL TO THE TOGENKYO DIMENSION" emblazoned across the front like the title font for Star Wars.)
Goku (hopefully pointing to the mini fridge): Is there any food in there?
(Cyh gives him a baffled look, then opens the fridge again, sorting through and grabbing hold of something munchable.)
Cyh (tossing vittles to the Sage): Here. Eat.
(Goku does so with gusto and plenty of noise, earning himself a vicious guerilla attack via Sanzo's paper fan-o-doom. The fan withdraws so quickly that the monkey is left feeling bewildered and scared, slowly eating and offering a bit to his master. Sanzo partakes of the chicken, though not without suspicion...)
Comedy: How come he gets chicken wings?! I want chicken wings, too!
Cyh (shaking her head): No. No, you don't.
Sanzo (screaming): Wagha fakshin da shiggen?!
Everyone: What?
(Sanzo grabs the container of chicken bones from Goku and gesticulates wildly.)
Gojyo: Ooh! I know this game! Okay...two words...first word...one syllable...shit, I give up.
(Cyh watches the event in fascination, jotting notes as Goku realizes what the monk is trying to say and runs to get some water from the cooler in the corner. Everyone else begins to notice what she is doing, and by the time Sanzo is breathing normally, all eyes are on her.)
Cyh (muttering): "...loss of verbal capacities. Subject one showed no symptoms at all towards 'Nuclear' Hell Fire Wing Sauce—suggests modified taste buds, or lack thereof..." (She senses that she is being watched and looks up.) Okay, time to go home! The experim—I mean, VISITING HOURS are over!
(She grabs a cat-o-nine-tails and begins thrashing wildly, shouting cowboy slang as she drives the characters towards the dimensional portal. They pile out within moments, and the door slams shut, sealing them off.)
Cyh (shaking her head and scribbling again): "Note to self: use one-way mirrors for next set of test subjects." (She sets down the pad and pen, frowning at the carnage around her—the leaking acid dream, the disarrayed ficus trees, the scattered chicken remains—and presses the intercom on her phone) Marge, cancel my one o'clock.
Marge (bored): They did it again, didn't they?
Cyh: Let's just say that acid dreams are more corrosive than any normal acid.
Marge: Please try to be more sensible with the Suzumiya girl and that Kyon boy.
Cyh (chuckling): Oh, fear not. They're getting the electroshock therapy. Restraints prevent escape. Just keep your fingers crossed over that whole universal collapse possibility.
Marge: Yeah, yeah.
(Back in Togenkyo, everyone wakes up where they had been before their strange comas—and as a group they decide never to speak of The Awareness ever again. Regardless of whether or not they are aware of their roles in a scripted story, the show must go on without hesitation...and it shall.)
FIN.
(Author's Note)
Next chapter is normal. I just had to write this to get rid of Writers' Block. I think it worked. I should be posting that within a few days.
Please review. Really. I'm getting fewer and fewer. All the familiar faces are leaving me... (sob) I think it may be the cause of my Blocks.
—Cyh Scævola, the Chaos Theoryst OUT