Karra left the hospital feeling both disappointed and elated. Her mood swung like a pendulum as she tried to decide if she was happy or not.
Happy: Kaidan was alright and there were still feelings there that were getting harder to hide and control, for both of them.
Unhappy: he wasn't coming back to the Normandy and she hadn't kissed him.
Happy: he was going to be a Spectre, she truly believed that he was the perfect person to become the second human Spectre.
Unhappy: it was Udina that put him in that position.
She had a bad feeling about the whole thing. Udina only ever looked after his own interests so what was his interest in Kaidan. A frown creased her brow as she stepped off the elevator on the Embassy level and walked into Udina's office.
'Shepard,' Udina looked up in surprise as she came to stand before his desk and was that fear that crossed his face. 'I suppose you're here about Major Alenko becoming a Spectre.'
'Why Kaidan?' She watched through narrowed eyes as he fidgeted nervously.
'The Major is a good soldier and a good representative of the human race and he's incorruptible.'
Was that a dig at her? She glared at Udina who refused to meet her eyes.
'I would have thought you'd be happy for him,' Udina almost smirked. 'I believe you two were close on the SR-1.' He waved his hand at her in dismissal. 'Don't worry, I will take good care of the Major, so if you'll excuse me I have important matters to see to.'
Karra took two steps forward and leaned on his desk. 'If anything happens to Kaidan because of you I will come looking for you.'
Udina jumped back as she glared at him, 'Is that a threat Shepard?'
'No, just a friendly warning,' she stood up and scowled at him before turning and leaving the room.
The feeling in her gut just wouldn't go away but she had to push it aside and concentrate on the mission at hand. She found Miranda only to discover that she was on the run from the Illusive Man and her sister was in trouble, but her offer of help was declined. She delivered a few artefacts and tech pieces that gained her some additional aid and discovered other items that were needed. Her biggest gain was through Aria who provided her with a mercenary army, once she'd met certain conditions of course. Was nothing ever free anymore?
She wandered into Purgatory for a drink and found James who convinced her to buy some grunts a round of drinks so she didn't seem so elusive and out of reach. She remembered what it was like to be a grunt and be in awe of officers she respected and admired but who didn't give subordinates the time of day. That wasn't the kind of officer she wanted to be so she shared a drink and shook hands and made them believe that she was just one of them.
'That was well done, Lola,' James grinned at her. 'You make being an officer so much more appealing, especially the way you wear that uniform.'
'James,' she gave him a mock scowl.
'Okay, don't get all huffy on me,' he laughed. 'Can't blame a guy for admiring a nice view.'
She was still shaking her head and smiling as she left the bar and returned to the Normandy.
Mordin was dead.
'Shepard!'
Someone was calling her name. Fighting off shock and despair she raised her head and looked at the devastation around her. Struggling to her feet as the ground rumbled beneath her she almost gave in to the exhaustion that wanted to pull her into sleep. They'd only been planet side for a couple of hours but it felt like a lifetime.
They had fought their way to the Shroud so Mordin could get his cure in place. Using a giant thresher maw had to go down in history as either the smartest thing to do or the craziest. Eve's idea was brilliant but it was up to Shepard, Garrus and James to see it through, to get past the Reaper.
She had run like the devil himself was after her with Garrus and James watching her back as brute after brute dropped before them and the Reaper laid waste with its sickening red beam. And just when she thought she was through to the first hammer the Reaper had dropped its leg almost on top of her. She coughed up dust as she skidded to a stop just as the leg was lifted again. One Hammer down, one to go.
As she looked across the field of battle to the other hammer she realised just how much danger they were in. She ran the gauntlet of Brutes, taking shots as she could, weaving, rolling and ducking her way across the arena. And again the Reaper brought its leg down before her.
'Shepard, you need to activate the hammers,' Wrex yelled in her earpiece.
'There's a Reaper in my way Wrex!'
'Yeah, you get all the fun,' he laughed and she cursed him silently.
The second hammer was activated and Shepard watched as Kalros, the biggest thresher maw she had ever seen shot out of the ground and latched on to the Reaper. She watched in fascination as Kalros dragged the Reaper into the ground and the silence was deafening. The ground rumbled and destruction rained around her as Shepard ordered Garrus and James back to the trucks while she went to help Mordin.
The Shroud was collapsing from the top down and she was terrified when Mordin informed her he had to go up the tower to fix the sabotage the Delatrass had wanted her to conceal. It was the only way to release the cure. He wouldn't be coming back and he accepted that.
'Had to be me, Shepard,' he took a deep breath and gave her one of his half smiles. 'Someone else might have gotten it wrong. Would liked to have run tests on the sea shells'
And now Mordin was dead. Tears blurred her vision and her legs didn't want to work.
'Shepard,' she looked up to see Garrus and James running towards her.
'Run,' she yelled, stumbling towards them and they sprinted for the trucks as the Shroud collapsed around them.
'Mordin?' Eve asked as they doubled over gasping for breath when they finally stopped running.
Karra shook her head and straightened up, fighting back tears and shaking from exhaustion and emotion. Silently they stood together as his legacy floated down around them, a shower of life for the Krogan race, his last precious gift.
Joker was waiting for her when she stepped off the elevator, 'Hey Commander, tough day.'
Karra simply nodded and walked heavily into her quarters. Exhaustion threatened to overwhelm her and she was grateful when she felt Joker's hands working on the clips to her armour. Her spirits seemed to lift with every piece that was removed and with a weak smile of thanks she walked into the bathroom.
The hot water eased her aches and the tears that fell washed away down the drain. She'd lost people before but Mordin was more than that, he was a friend. Memories of Ashley surfaced and she choked back a sob. Why did she have to lose friends? It was hard enough losing soldiers under her command, losing friends was too hard.
Joker waited by the bathroom door with her robe, she'd forgotten to take it with her so she opened the door wrapped in a towel. He could see she'd been crying as he helped her cover up and the weakness in her arms told him how tired she was.
He watched her tie up her robe and he was shocked by how despondent she looked. This wasn't the great Commander Shepard, this was a woman who needed to be held, to be comforted. He had the honour of being a friend who could do that, who she trusted to hold her and be there for her, someone she could let her guard down with. And for all his wise cracking he knew when to be serious.
'Feel better?'
'No,' there was a tremor in her voice and she blinked rapidly.
Joker pulled her into his chest, she was shaking and he knew the tears would follow. 'Do you want me to go?'
She shook her head and sucked in a breath that was a half sob. Joker gently led her to the bed and she curled up as he pulled a blanket over her before lying beside her and holding her against him. He felt her trembling and he stroked her hair silently as she allowed her grief to flow. He knew she needed to cry, not only because she'd lost a friend but also to help her sleep. He could see and feel the exhaustion she'd been carrying for too long. He held her until she lay still, asleep in his arms.
Very slowly he lowered her onto her pillow and stood up. He looked down at her sleeping form and wondered just how long one person could carry the weight of a galaxy on their shoulders before it broke them. She needed someone to lean on and it wasn't him, as much as he enjoyed being able to help her he wasn't who she wanted or needed.
'Damn it Kaidan, where are you when she needs you,' he muttered as he turned out the lights and went back to the cockpit.