28 – [Byun Baekhyun] Letter & Believe
I grew afraid of interaction with people.
Gazes from people, smiling ones, cold ones, curious ones or surprised ones. No matter what, it felt as if they knew all my secrets. They were taunting me, criticising me, testing me.
But I felt worse alone.
Memories would sweep over me like a wave.
I close my eyes and next to my ears would be the heaving of those men.
And –
The clicking of camera shutters.
The flashes imitated lightning, I shiver every time the memory surfaces.
It was as if I was tossed into a deep ocean.
The strong pressure was crushing me. The undiscovered sea creatures and monsters haunted like ghosts next to me. The seagrass tangled with my feet, tightening and tightening around them, pulling me down. I wanted to scream, I wanted to escape. But I couldn't make a sound, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swim away.
…I'm losing control.
- Save me.
That morning - the morning after our first group activity in months, I stared at Sehun as he placed a stack of envelopes on my hand.
"Went to the mailbox, these are yours," He grinned, "I didn't peek at them this time!"
"Thank you." I took them with me into the bedroom, locking the door behind me.
My heart was erratic.
I saw it immediately, amongst the cutesy envelopes of the fan letters, there was a mustard leather package.
My shaking hands let the other letters slip off. Leaving only that one package, I slowly opened it.
Pictures…there were three.
My face wasn't clear in them, but they depicted ghastly images of lewdness and vulgarity.
I felt like throwing up, immediately clamping my hand to my mouth in attempt to stop it.
I flipped it over hurriedly. I didn't want to see it. Even though I was alone in the room, it felt as if there were people staring at me all around.
There was nothing else in the package. No words, no threat.
It made me panic harder.
At least tell me to die, at least tell me a way I can end all of this.
In a split second, I was reminded of Wu Yifan's message that night.
After that, I did not bother to contact him.
I knew, that if he knew, he'd hunt those men down at all costs to get to the bottom of it.
Its hard to imagine what lengths he would go to.
Suddenly I heard a knock from behind. I jumped, after quickly shoving the photos away and arranging my emotions, I went to open it.
Chanyeol walked in, "Why did you lock the door?"
"I – Uh …I wanted to change."
"Just change then, you had to lock the door?"
"…" I did not know what else to say.
"Are you stressed lately because we are coming back?" He looked at me, worried.
"Maybe," I forced a smile.
"You've got to overcome it," He told me seriously.
I nodded. And I watched his tall frame walk towards me, and he pulled me into a gentle hug.
"These days, you didn't hate them right?"
I was stunned for a moment, not understanding what he was trying to say.
"No…"
"The days that you hate, I've apologised for them, haven't I ?"
"Yea…"
His jaw brushed itself on my hair. I felt the panic in my heart die down.
"I'm trying to treat you good now, but why aren't you happy yet?" He sounded a bit confused, at the same time with a hint of playfulness.
My heart felt so warm, it was melting.
"Thank you," I replied him with a smile. Not noticing the choked up tone in my voice, as if about to cry.
He pulled us apart slightly and lowered his head, putting his lips to mine.
It was a slow, long kiss.
I was sinking into his gentleness, unable to detach myself.
If there was still hope in my world of darkness, it would be Park Chanyeol, his warmth.
Like a lighted matchstick in the middle of a chilling winter snow. The flame was weak, but flickering and jumping, enough to brighten my eyes.
The kiss ended, I did not dare to look at him. I was scared that he'd see my ugly self.
But he suddenly smiled.
"You're shy?"
"No."
"It's not even the first time…"
"I already said …"
He pinched my cheeks, "Ha, you're so adorable."
No, not at all.
The Byun Baekhyun standing in front of you is not suited for any compliment.
"Oh, Chanyeol," I decided to ask him.
"Yeah?"
"Do you have a schedule tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow?" He thought for a moment, "We're having an outdoor shoot for a magazine, at the beach."
"Oh…" I nodded.
"Anything wrong?" He asked.
"Nothing, just asking," I smiled, turning away at the same time to avoid his eyes.
My gaze was on the nearby calendar.
- Today's date was June 5th.
I still showed up.
Maybe he'd be reminded of our date somehow.
The next day, with these doubtful, unrealistic thoughts, I arrived at the theatre.
The red poster of La Vie En Rose from last month was replaced with a bright and happy looking one.
It's a comedy today, Chanyeol-ah.
There weren't much people today thankfully, it wasn't the weekends. Everyone was having their fair share of exhaust and restlessness in the afternoon, nobody was interested in the affairs of others.
Its already summer.
I bought a cold drink to counter the heat and sat at the lobby of the theatre.
And I threw occasional glances at the entrance.
Sitting for a while, I felt like such a sissy.
What are you even hoping for? Byun Baekhyun. I smiled bitterly to myself.
He won't come.
He won't remember.
So what are you doing here? Acting in an one-man-show.
Yikes…I should not have drank such a cold drink. I rubbed my sore stomach and struggled to stand up.
Don't be silly. Go back.
When I went to throw the drink, a few girls crowded around me.
"…Baekhyun Oppa?"
I got a shock and turned around to be faced with pairs of excited eyes. But it only brought me panic.
- Don't look at me. Don't look at me. Don't look at me…
I gave them a hasty smile and tried to leave.
"Baekhyun Oppa! Don't go!" The girls rushed up and grabbed my arm.
…Don't touch me.
Touches from strangers brought me only fear. I relied on my last line of rationality to tell myself that those were my adoring fans, and that I should not panic.
"…Sorry," I tried to move away. But as I reached the exit of the theatre lobby, their pulling and pushing only brought in a bigger crowd of people.
Stop surrounding me…Stop coming near.
The girls screamed, laughed in joy and aimed at me with their phones and cameras.
Click. Click.
The loud voices, the unstoppable shutters, were tormenting me. It was as if the sounds were coming from inside my head.
Whereas in my stomach lived the beast.
Ready to engulf me, torture me and grant me pain and suffering anytime.
It felt like I was decaying on the inside.
From my brain, bit by bit, till there was nothing left but an empty shell.
Am I dying? I thought.
Immediately, a hand reached for me and I was forcefully pulled out of the crowd.
Under the scorching sunlight, he was grabbing my arm as I watched his strong shoulders.
But my vision was blurring, I could barely see his back.
Chanyeol?
"…Chanyeol?..."
"Get in the car."
I was pushed into the car. And he slammed the door shut, suddenly separating me from the chaos and attention of the world.
Then he got on too, from the other side.
When I regained my clarity of thought, I recognised the person.
It was Wu Yifan.
He threw me a glance as he drove.
"Your gastric acting up again?"
I did not reply.
"Serves you right," He was expressionless, staring at the road in front of him, "I've been trying to contact you all this while, why can't you even answer a call?"
"Too busy." I said softly.
He had an expression that looked like he just swallowed back a curse.
"What is your problem," He was trying to suppress himself.
The traffic was rather congested. We were stopping now and then every few kilometres.
"Thank you for today," I said while looking out of the car window, "Let's not meet again."
It felt as if he was expecting me to say that.
"Because of Park Chanyeol?" He laughed coldly to himself.
"Because of the rumours," I squeezed my eyes shut, "I'm so sick of them."
"I've got all those bullshit rumours covered, I fucking got all those writers to shut up!" He finally shouted at me. "Find me another bullshit excuse!"
I ignored him, still staring out the window.
My stomach was wrenching, sending me pain.
There was silence, and then my phone rang.
It was really Chanyeol this time.
I picked up.
"Hey where are you?" He sounded impatient.
"I, I'm –"
He didn't give me a chance to reply.
"Sorry, I forgot about today," His tone was apologetic, "I saw some fans say they saw you at the theatre and then I remembered…"
"It's nothing."
"Are you still there? I'm on my way," He said.
"No, no, I'm coming back. Don't you have work? Don't bother." I recalled him talking about a photoshoot outside the city.
"You're going back to our dorm?"
"Yeah, I'm reaching."
"Okay then, goodnight," He told me.
I hung up. The car has already stopped.
It was in a foreign neighbourhood.
"Where are we?" I asked with a frown.
"My house," Wu Yifan replied.
"I need to go back."
"Not now."
I ignored him, taking action myself, I stepped out of the car.
He didn't try to stop me, as if he expected it, that I wouldn't be able to walk away far on my own.
"Stop forcing yourself," He pulled me back, "Let's go up and get you medicine first."
I was sitting on the luxurious sofa in his living room. The pills and warm water that he brought me made me feel much better.
"Thank you," I looked down, holding the cup.
"If I had not been at the theatre with my friend today, how could you have gotten out of that crowd." He sounded relaxed.
"Really, thank you for today. How can I express my gratitude?" I looked up at him, expressionless.
He looked at me in distaste, "What's wrong with you."
I was silent for a while, and then I asked him, "That day, how was the business dinner?"
"…Business dinner?" It's been over a week, he spent some time recalling, "Why are you suddenly asking me this?"
"It's been so long since I last saw Hayeon," I didn't know what I was saying, my heart started beating fast, "Did you meet her that day?"
He nodded, "Yes."
"…Uh, so what did you say?" I licked my cracking lips, looking at him with seriousness.
"I don't remember, some business stuff?" He suddenly smiled, "I'm probably not the guy you want to see, she's got herself a new sponsor."
"What?..."
"You might as well have let her come under me," He smiled, "Would've saved you a lot of trouble."
"What kind of a sponsor does she have now?"
"Pretty powerful guy, wouldn't have known if she had not borrowed my phone to call him."
It was as if red light in my head was hit, bullseye.
My guesses were pretty much confirmed, but my heart became heavier.
"What's the matter?" He looked at me, pale as a sheet.
I shook my head and stood up, "I have to go back now."
He was silent for a moment and stood up, "I'll send you."
That night, I tossed and turned in my bed.
I was having insomnia for days.
Chanyeol returned late and never spoked a word about the day's events. Maybe he was too tired, he went straight to bed.
I turned to my side again, facing him who was sleeping on his bed. In the darkness, I could barely see his features, but I saw the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed slowly and steadily.
Sweet dreams, Chanyeol-ah.
For how long more, can I be here to watch you in your slumber.
When all my dirt and filth are exposed, are you going to turn away?
Good night, Chanyeol-ah.
And for every night from now – Goodnight.
One morning, I was in the bedroom.
A crisp knock came from the door.
I turned around to see Sehun near the door, a stack of envelopes in his hand.
"More letters?"
"Where is Chanyeol-Hyung?" He asked with a weird expression.
"He left early for a schedule."
Sehun nodded and entered the room, closing the door behind him. He was leaning against it as he handed me the letters.
"Thank you," I looked at the envelopes, they were in all colours.
"And…Hyung…" He sounded hesitant.
"Yeah?"
"Hyung…this, what's this…?" He gazed at me, and tooked out another envelope. He shakily retrieved its contents and showed them to me.
Pictures.
My pictures.
Something cracked in my head, there was thunder and storm. I was frozen, rigid all over, I couldn't even breathe.
"Why…did you look…at my l-letter…" I struggled to speak the words.
"No," He was wronged, he looked shock as I, "These…were originally sent to me…" He took out the leather envelope, it was written on the surface – to: Oh Sehun.
"Baekhyun-Hyung…what's going on…"
I couldn't think, my hands and feet were cold as ice, and my vision kept going dark.
"Hyung…" He reached out to touch me.
"Don't touch me!" I screamed like I was mad. I wanted to dash out of the house and escape but I could only lean my limp body on the wall, sliding down it only to pool on the floor.
"Ok, ok – I'm not touching you…not touching you…" Sehun got a shock. But I could barely hear him.
Finally, the world stopped spinning, I got a hold of myself.
"Sehun, do you believe me."
I heard my own voice, but I could barely recognise it as mine.
"Yes," He nodded. Even though he noticed me calm down, he did not dare to come close. Instead, he sat down opposite me on the floor.
"I'll tell you a story." I smiled lifelessly.
Even though I was a lifeless shell, I was still about to be picked apart. After the pain, was not the beautiful metamorphosis, but the ugly reveal.
- I'm about to be forgotten in the deep sea.
- No more sunlight in front of me.
29 [Byun Baekhyun]
Completely disintegrated by the waves.
- But there seems to be a way to stop it.
If life becomes too hard, if there's no way to end my troubles, if I wanted to live in eternal peace…
Well, there is a way.
I let my thoughts carry itself away, staring emptily at the knife I was holding in my hands.
"Baekhyun!" There was an urgent shout from behind and I turned around.
Luhan Hyung rushed to me and snatched the knife out of my hands. Looking at me with concern, he chided, "What are you doing!"
"I…wanted to peel the apple," It was as if I fell into a daydream for a moment just now. I looked at the apple on my other hand, only then was I reminded of the reason I was holding the knife.
"Y-your mental health doesn't seem too good…uh, lets…uh, how about I go to the hospital with you?" He carefully suggested.
I avoided his eyes and smiled lifelessly.
"No need."
He knew.
When I told Sehun, I had already guessed that he'd let Luhan know, even though I told him to keep it a secret.
I looked at Luhan Hyung, trying to act as if he didn't know and being all worried, I felt thankful. But more so, sorry.
I don't blame Sehun. For a naive boy like him to listen to such a gruesome story, he probably felt as lost as I.
Then, while I was facing Sehun, I thought that I would fail to speak, that I would break down and end my story in tears. But there was none of that, I calmly told the whole story; as if I was telling the story of another person, and I was just a third party.
I was even peeling off my protective shell and letting the gory and the pain come to me, but I somehow managed to tell the story with all stillness.
Maybe I've gone crazy.
And Sehun was watching me then, frozen.
"…And that was what happened."
"H-How could this be?" He was anxious and panicked at the same time, "Hyung, do you know who did it? Did you get on anyone's bad side?"
I shook my head. I never told Sehun any of the parts of the story that would cause unnecessary trouble.
"Sehun, please help me," I forced a smile, trying to look less pitiful, "If…If you ever see such a letter posted to Chanyeol, please don't give it to him."
"Anybody else knows about this?..." He asked me.
I shook my head.
"Ok, I got it."
Sehun-ah. Our youngest. He's such a kind child.
Once he was on Chanyeol's side, going against me, but now while I was in trouble, he could still stand by me, trusting in me.
I'm satisfied.
This world has given me enough warmth, way more than I deserve. I just don't have the luck to take it.
My incident with the knife seemed to have planted a deep fear in Luhan Hyung's heart. After constantly nagging at me about going to the hospital, I finally agreed.
"There's nothing wrong with visiting a psychiatrist once in a while, I do that too sometimes…" Luhan Hyung told me as he got me into the car. He even asked his friend to drive us, not letting other's know about my visit to the hospital.
Seeing that I did not reply, he coughed awkwardly.
— Thank you, but sorry. Right now to anyone who has known about my incident, I don't know what expression or tone to give.
We had a nearly silent journey. When we stopped at the last red light, I opened my mouth, "Luhan Hyung."
"Yeah?"
He was entirely focused, waiting for me to speak, "Yes, what?"
"Sehun…He told you everything right?"
I didn't look at him, even after so long just that simple question made the atmosphere unsettling and scary.
It felt as if Luhan went blank for a moment, "I – I, don't blame Sehun, he was afraid he didn't know what to do, so…"
"It's okay…it's just a matter of time before you'd find out anyway."
"Baekhyun, don't be like this," It was as if Luhan still wanted to say something, but he stopped, taking into consideration that there was another stranger in the car.
I shook my head, "It's okay, don't worry."
"I will think of something," He said, finally, before our conversation ended.
What something?
Is there really any way out of this murky mess?
Is it just me myself who thinks that everything about me is beyond saving?
At night, I lay in bed, looking at the doctor's prescription. I scanned the medicines they gave me, eventually coming across the word "antidepressant".
….But nothing can save me now.
I put it down and walked to the living room.
Everyone was away on schedule. The television was still on from when Sehun was watching it. It was showing all kinds of commercials, I did not bother to switch it off, I wanted to let those sounds relief me from the quietness that was driving me insane.
And it was also only before the cold calm screen that I could look at all those foreign faces with calmness.
I sat down and switched the channels around out of boredom, until I came across the drama that Chanyeol was starring in.
It was a scene with him in it.
He looked like a love-sick fool, running in circles around the actress – "It's just one date, why can't we? You already agreed didn't you?"
The actress who was clearly uninterested, paid no attention to him.
With only eyes for her, Chanyeol walked into a pole.
I could not help but burst out in laughter.
My Chanyeol-ah, you must stay the way you are in the drama, not feeling down when something sad happens, not feeling depressed when you don't succeed. Please stay like this, always happy.
I gazed at him just like an idiot. The top right corner of the screen showed in fancy font – "Far Away, You".
— How distant.
Just as I was about to let my thoughts drift off, the door opened.
I looked at the man that was on my screen just moments ago, it felt a little bizarre.
"…You're back."
"Yeah." He answered simply and walked into the bedroom.
Just as everyone had expected, "Far Away, You" did great in its viewer ratings. Just as the drama was still running, the company had took on another drama project for Chanyeol. And there begins his early mornings and late nights.
Which significantly decreased the amount the conversation we had.
Or rather, it was just that he was losing interest in me, that he had nothing to say to me anymore.
Just then, the episode ended, the teaser for the next trailer showed, with the OST I sang in the background. Hearing my own voice, I switched the channel, almost out of instinct.
Chanyeol walked out of the room then, he sat down on the sofa too. I didn't know what to do except to continue changing the channel.
We were both ends of the sofa each.
"You saw the drama?" He asked.
"Yeah, saw it."
Seeing that he did not carry on the conversation, I spoke, "…Your acting was great."
"Thank you," He showed no facial expression. His sudden foreign appreciation felt strange and sudden, and it confused me.
And then he was staring right at me.
"Your acting is great too."
"What?" I didn't understand.
He was still expressionless, but the coldness I was once used to was clearly in his eyes. They made my heart panic.
"Byun Baekhyun."
"…Why-"
"I'm starting to understand you less and less," He tossed me those words before standing up and walking to the bathroom, leaving me alone sitting on the sofa, repeating his words in my head. I was filled with confusion.
Even though I had built myself a defense like a dam, I stood nothing against the oncoming tsunami.
I did not expect the waves to come at me this sudden.
When Chanyeol who was wordless to me for days slammed me against the wall, I knew this was all no longer escapable.
He was boring into me, and out of nowhere, I was hit with a deafening slap.
"Byun Baekhyun, you play me like a fool. Do you get off of it?"
I looked at him emptily and still.
I knew it…the Chanyeol that was once all smiles to me would return to this.
"I've always wanted to trust you, but look what you've done again."
His eyes were filled with hatred, but also sorrow dread.
Have I let you down again?
"Told me you went to your parents, but came back with bruises from another man."
…You're right. I lied again.
"Told me you returned to the dorm, but went to Wu Yifan's again."
…Sorry. Sorry sorry.
"I've tried to let it pass," His eyes were red from rage, "But tell me what the fuck are these!"
He shoved me towards the table, I was bent over it from the impact. And there on the table, I saw those pictures, scattered all over the table. My brain went blank, and when I regained my thoughts I was scrambling like crazy to gather them.
I can't…I can't - let him see these.
Even if he has – no, not again, they can't appear in front of him again. No fucking way.
Without thinking, I started to rip those photos into pieces. But to him they must've looked like desperate attempts to destroy the evidence. He grabbed the photos and threw them aside, and a punch came to my face. I grabbed onto the table to not let myself fall over.
"You're such a dirty slut."
Before I could push myself up to stand straight, he grabbed me and pinned me down to the table.
Forgotten memories flooded my brain, when he reached for the waist band of my pants I realised what was coming.
I was immediately overcome with bone-chilling fear.
"Chan-Chanyeol…I'm so sorry – I'm so sorry, I did wrong…Don't-"
The panic and fear in me was crushing my nerves. I know, I know I am pathetic and shameful. But no matter who it was, I did not want to experience that kind of violence once more.
"Stop fucking moving."
"Chanyeol…Let me go….."
"Let you go?" His temper translated to laughter, "If those people can shove themselves in you, so can I!"
He pulled down my pants in one violent move.
"Chanyeol….."
"Byun Baekhyun, you belong to me."
"…I did wrong – Chanyeol, please…"
Begging never worked.
Once, I've begged to Jesus, then, I've begged to all the Gods, but my life was still a fucking mess.
The cicadas were chirping outside, it must be summer at its glorious peak.
But also in this summer night, the last bit of warmth was burning out in me. Relentlessly – Chanyeol had me pinned on the table, letting me receive all of his rage and hatred.
My face was pressed against the cold surface of the table. Along with the thrusts, I knocked against the table rhythmically. Before my eyes were the photos from just now. I could only envision myself to be looking like the way I looked in the pictures, lewd and dirty.
The man behind me was rocking hard into me, a forceful hand at my waist, about to break me.
…Chanyeol, maybe I'd be glad to die under you.
I should've just died. I should've just died in that surgery. I'd bring other less trouble and myself less suffering.
Or maybe I never should've been born.
I'm just so sorry.
How about next life.
- If I could still have a wish.
- How about next life, God you'll let me be a likeable person.
30 [Park Chanyeol]
Why don't you listen.
- "Don't lie to me."
Why do you deceive me again and again?
- "You belong to me."
Why do you do those dirty things with those dirty men?
Byun Baekhyun, what do I do with you?
I hate you terribly.
Just as I'm walking back to you, you take me for granted.
I looked at the man below me, my forceful thrusts were almost stabbing into him. But it was as if he became soulless, no longer withering or struggling like he was initially.
This punishment was not satisfying me at all. I could recall the tender and warmth that we used to have, and that left an empty feeling in my heart.
After getting my release, I pushed him away. Once supporting himself against the table, he now fell to the floor.
Out of instinct, I wanted to reach out to support him up, but my pride stopped me.
In my moments of doubt, he managed to stand up by himself.
Silently, he put on his clothes and walked slowly towards the bathroom.
I leaned against the wall, heaving slightly.
I watched him turn back as he approached the bathroom door.
"…Chanyeol."
"What."
I watched him coldly, waiting for his next words.
He looked at me a little while more, not responding. But it was as if his eyes told me an entire story.
He turned back and entered the bathroom.
Soon, I heard flowing water.
Chanyeol. Chanyeol. Chanyeol.
My brain was filled with images of him calling my name, and his sorrowful eyes.
- It almost became the last time he would say my name.
The following memories, the following scenes were stirred by my brain into a huge mess. The hand that gripped my phone falling to my side. The people in white bursting into the room, lifting him onto the stretcher.
The bathtub filled with red liquid, diluted with water so deadly bright.
I could hear nothing from the world around me.
I could only hear the life slowly disappear from him and the dark spiralling fear from within me.
How—How did it become like this.
Save him.
Save him. Quick.
Save my Baekhyun.
I rode on the ambulance with him to the hospital. I did not dare to touch him; even looking at him took me all the courage I could muster. I was scared to touch his cold hands, scared to see the rise and fall in his chest cease.
The blood-soaked shirt he wore looked absolutely horrifying, and his skin was dead pale. I was brought back to the day of his surgery again. Then, it was God who almost took his life away, but this time it was me, personally pushing him into the hands of the reaper.
I'm the one, who didn't know how to cherish.
I did not dare to think of the possibility that they could not save him, yet it haunted me like it nightmare. As I watched him being rushed into the emergency room, a wave of helplessness flooded over me.
Guilt and anxiety filled the arduous wait.
Even when Luhan Hyung rushed in, I took no notice.
"How's Baekhyun?" He asked me, full of impatience. Behind him were Sehun and Kyungsoo, looking just as worried.
I just shook my head.
I wanted to know too – how he was doing right now.
"Why couldn't you have taken care of him better? He is depressed!" Luhan Hyung was shouting at me.
Depressed? "I…I didn't know."
"How could this happen? He…He was taking his medicine…I thought he'd get better…"
"It was all because of me," I heard my own voice speak, "Because of me…that he…tried to…"
"What did you say?"
"I…I hit him – and I – scolded him and I – "
Before I could finish, Luhan Hyung's fist came for my face, landing right on my cheek.
Sehun and Kyungsoo immediately rushed forward to pull hold Luhan Hyung back.
Truthfully, I felt no pain from the punch.
I just stood there. Still.
"I just don't fucking get why Baekhyun cares so much for you. Just so you could force him to end his life?"
Force him to end his life…Yeah…I'm a murder.
"Luhan Hyung…Please don't…Chanyeol Hyung must not have expected this too…" Sehun tried to calm Luhan down. Then he turned to face me, "Chanyeol Hyung, did…did you see the pictures?"
"You…You knew of those pictures?"
Luhan, who was now held onto by Kyungsoo turned away from me, not wanting my face in sight.
Sehun spoke, "Hyung…You mistook him."
In the end, they somehow managed to bring him back, even when his life was hanging on a thread.
And it was only two days later, that he began to gain consciousness.
With such an incident, Tae Shin Hyung immediately halted all of our schedules, to prevent the press from questioning us about it while the company was deciding how to settle the situation.
So when Baekhyun woke up, I was right next to him by his bed. I saw his eyes flutter open, and I was mad with joy. For moments I did not know what to do.
I wanted so badly to grab his hands, but I was afraid that any form of contact with him could hurt him.
He squinted his eyes, trying to adjust to the brightness of daylight. On his cheek was still the blue mark from when I threw the punch at him.
And when he saw me, the dazed look in his eyes turned into ones of panic and terror.
"…Baekhyun," I called his name softly.
"…I'm…still alive…" His voice was coarse and his face was full of desolation.
His eyes, his expression made my heart sink. To him, learning that he survived, must be his last wish.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" I didn't know what to say.
He turned his head away, and closed his eyes.
I'm sorry. I know you'll probably never forgive me. Over and over again, you tolerated me, but I hurt you more intensely. When I made a mistake, you'll always smile a little and say its fine, but when you'd slip up even the slightest, I'd punish you to hell.
And you always worry, if I was sleeping, eating well, if I was falling sick or over exerting myself, but you're also afraid that you'd annoy me.
So you always take care of me from a distance.
But then there was me, who only knew from the mouth of another about your depression, your malnutrition, and your terrifying experience.
And just when you were under threat, when you were the most helpless, I hit you, I did those beastly things to you…I knew I was possessive of you because I cared, but I was only using it as an excuse, administering you more and more harm, pushing you over the edge.
Byun Baekhyun started ignoring me.
He refuses to look at me. Regardless of how much I tried to speak to him, take care of him, he was still cold to me.
I did not know what to do.
Finally, this must be my retribution.
I could tell Byun Baekhyun no longer wanted me in his sight. And so I grant his wish, I tried to appear in front of him as little as possible. Except when he slept, I'd hold his hand carefully. And that is when I'd see the bandages around his wrist that brought me fear and sorrow.
Thank you, Heavens for bringing him back from your gates.
The third day after he regained consciousness, I came to visit him as usual.
The door was closed, but just as I was about to open it, I heard voices.
It was Luhan Hyung.
I listened to their conversation through the door.
"As for Tae Shin Hyung, I'll settle with him, don't push yourself too hard."
"I'm fine."
Baekhyun's voice was still sounding weak.
"Your top priority is to rest well. Don't do…silly things like that anymore. You hear me?"
The room was then silent, before Baekhyun spoke.
"Luhan Hyung."
"Yeah?"
"The bruise on Chanyeol's face – what happened…"
Hearing my name being mentioned, my heart jumped.
You've been cold to me on the outside, but…are you still thinking of me?
"I beat him." Luhan Hyung answered simply.
"Hyung…" There was anxiousness in Baekhyun's voice, "Don't blame him…I'm like this…not because of him."
"Look what he did to you! And you're still defending him?"
"I…I did it because of myself, it's not him, it was none of his fault."
"I'm absolutely done with you." Luhan Hyung was teeming with anger.
I heard Baekhyun laugh a little.
Then he spoke slowly, each word was a pin, piercing into my heart.
"I know none of you talk about it, but…you all know it…how I feel about Chanyeol – It's like I can't hide it properly. Because of this, I may not be able to stay in the group anymore. Thinking that I can't be by his side in the future…makes me really sad."
"Chanyeol…he's really good…I know that he comes in when I sleep, and that he blames himself, so Hyung…could you talk to him out of it? Tell him not to blame himself, that none of what I am today has anything to do with him."
"I feel like, I don't even deserve to talk to him anymore. I always make him unhappy, I always lie, I always disappoint."
"And now this is affecting the whole group."
"Then – then I truly wanted to die, but I failed and now I can't even face the group members…"
"Stop." Luhan Hyung interrupted him.
Whatever came next, I could not bear to listen.
Why do you bother speaking for me?
It was completely my fault.
My thoughts were interrupted as the door suddenly opened and Luhan Hyung walked out.
Seeing me, he paused for a moment and walked on off.
"Hyung!" I call out for him and ran to catch up to him.
He stopped in his tracks and turned around to glare at me.
"You heard it all?" He asked
I nodded.
"Props to you for making it through."
I ignored his sarcasm, "How is it with Tae Shin Hyung? What's the company's plan?"
Luhan Hyung sighed, "They want Baekhyun to speak to the press, tell them that he had not almost killed himself, but instead that he was having some…health issues. And…that he would be withdrawing from the group."
I could not believe the decision, not even taking into account that they demanded his withdrawal, but the fact that they wanted him to make a public appearance.
"But he's still so weak! How could he handle that kind of mental stress?"
"…Baekhyun has already agreed to it, and it'll be tomorrow." Luhan Hyung said with all helplessness, "and…from what I heard, one publishing company has already received those photos."
"What?"
"Thankfully, the company is on friendly terms with ours and they came to ask before they wanted to publish those photos," Luhan Hyung smoothed through his own hair out of exhaustion, "But the news is already out, of Baekhyun having some…dirty photos with men or some sort."
He's already gone through so much.
Is he going to have to carry the burden of the rumours and gossips on his shoulders too?
I thought about it, and decided to leave, "I'm going to see him."
"Hey," Luhan Hyung grabbed my arm, "he doesn't blame you, but that doesn't mean he wants to see you."
"Don't you know? He's afraid of you."
His words made my heart deflate.
…I know.
But…
Could you give me one more chance? If I could redeem myself.