Author notes: Time for some serious Lav-Lav bashing

Lavender stepped out of Professor Flitwick's office, still adjusting her cloak, and crossed his name off her list.

Three years ago she obtained a self-updating list of males in Hogwarts. Once she understood what it was, she set about sleeping with everyone on it.

There were three names left.

Ernie McMillan (Fat chance)

Horace Slughorn (Oh hell no!)

Severus Snape (BINGO!)

Lavender pulled out a large piece of parchment from her pocket.

"I solemnly swear that I am ready for sex," she said tapping said parchment with her wand.

'Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and Aids present, The Scarlet Whore's Map' the words appeared on the parchment.

Lavender looked in the section marked 'Hufflepuff Boy's Dormitory.' Beneath the dot labeled Ernie McMillan there were two stars beside the words 'Sexiness Rating.'

She looked in Professor Slughorn's office, he only had one star

She looked at the dot labeled Severus Snape, he didn't have any stars, only five exclamation marks !!.

Lavender pulled on her invisibility cloak, formerly owned by the boy who lived (until he got a bit lustful), and raced towards the dungeons.

Lavender's map showed that Hermione was conveniently trapped under an avalanche of chocolate cream-filled penises.

Lavender slipped off her invisibility cloak and knocked on Professor Snape's Door.

"Enter!"

Lavender opened the door and walked in.

"Professor, I need your help for a little…project that I'm working on."

'Oh god,' Professor Snape thought. "Can't you ask Professor Slughorn?" He said.

"Oh no Professor," Lavender replied, "you're the only who's…qualified enough."

Professor Snape sighed, "Alright Miss Brown, how can I help you?"

"Well…" Lavender Mused, "you, me, whipped cream, handcuffs, any questions?"

"Fuck off!" Snape sneered.

Lavender turned around and saw a very enraged looking Hermione, covered in (suspiciously shaped) cream.

Hermione slapped Lavender

Lavender slapped her back.

Soon the two girls were in an intense, cream-filled pe…hem bitch fight and the entire contents of Hogwarts castle congregated outside Professor Snape's office.

Professor McGonagall, Professor Slughorn and Professor Dumbledore pushed their way through the crowd.

"Professor Snape," McGonagall nagged, "you have to stop them!"

"No, no lets not be too hasty," Professor Slughorn said.

After the fight, Hermione was sitting on Severus' desk while he tended to her battle wounds.

"So…" Hermione said, "you, me, whipped cream, handcuffs, any questions?"

"You're place or mine?"