Cherry can't sing worth a lick, and Mia can't make decisions about anything. But they also can't stop being so awesome, so...
Readers- OMG! Your birthday wishes, your reviews, your ability to eat cupcakes through the internet...Tell me this isn't real life. I love you all!
Except you, Flasher. Seriously, put your shirt down. *tries to shoo you away with a crumbled dollar bill*
Chapter Twenty-One: Goals and Guilt
One and a Half Months Later…
"Very good, Bella. It's that type of logic that enables you to advance further without the dependence on alcohol. Your need doesn't rely on the drink itself, but rather the fear of losing control. Trauma of any kind can cause a physical reaction, but the effects trauma has typically manifest as a mental or emotional condition. So … how are you feeling today? Are you having any cravings?"
I nod, tapping the arms of the chair lightly as Dr. Aro stares intently at me. "Some. But I did what you said and reread my goals. I'm taking the vitamins you prescribed and I'm reading a whole lot. Kate gave me a bunch of books, and they're super long, but I'm getting there."
Dr. Aro smiles fondly, patting my hand. "I'm proud you've taken up a new hobby. Reading can be therapeutic and a good distraction. You-"
We both turn our heads when we hear a knock on the door. It's Kate, with an apologetic look on her face. "Sorry to interrupt, but he's here."
"Thank you. Give us five minutes, will you?"
Kate nods and closes the door.
"Are you up for this today? We can reschedule. This meeting is on your terms, Bella."
I can't stop my knee from bouncing or my hands from trembling. Times like this called for whiskey. Or rum. I wasn't picky.
But that was the old Bella. The new Bella had to think reasonably.
Remember what the doctor said about your goals. Focus on the future. Regain a relationship with your daddy. Don't drink. And lastly…
Don't think about Cadillac.
"No, I'm ready," I reply firmly. "You reckon he'll remember me?"
Dr. Aro grins and slides his pen in between the spirals of his notebook. "A father never forgets his child, Bella. Let's go into the family room. You'll be more comfortable there."
I follow the doctor out of his office and down the hall to the family sitting area. It's like a mock living room, and I'd only been in there once, when Esme came to visit. She had to fight tooth and nail just to get visitation, but they finally allowed her…
Flashback: Two weeks after arrival…
"Bella!"
She wraps her arms around me and she smells exactly like I remember–expensive shampoo and cherry pie.
"How are you, honey?"
I weep before we even sit down. "I'm fucking miserable. They won't give me anything! Look at me shaking, Esme! They don't even fucking care!"
"Oh, Bella." She rocks me back and forth, letting my tears soak her fancy purple blouse. "You've lost so much weight. Are you eating?"
I shake my head. "No. I don't want their shitty food. It tastes like garbage. You gotta get me out of here!"
"I can't do that sweetie." She hates to say it, like it's breaking her heart more than mine. "But, I have good news. Your father moved here. Once he proved you were his biological daughter, he rented a house. It's not too far away from our home. The judge wants you two to meet under supervision, and once that's set, there's a good chance you'll be able to leave."
"Meet Charlie? I'm sorry, but fuck that man! Fuck him and Mama, and fuck everyone! I am so tired of everybody telling me what I need to do. I'm sick of it. I'll fucking rot here and die. You tell him I don't want to see him."
Esme sighs and rubs my back in gentle circles, trying to calm me down. I'm so upset I can't think straight. "Where's Mama and that shitface Brady? They found them yet?"
"No, they're still looking. They suspect they've fled to Phoenix, Arizona, but nothing concrete yet."
Fucking Arizona? I hope they fried in the heat. If I ever saw them again I'd stick cactuses up their asses. Then they'd know how I felt–screwed.
"How's Cadillac?" I don't bother correcting his name.
"He's … okay." I hear her hesitation, like she's not telling me everything. "I think."
"You think?"
Esme folds her hands and looks down. "Carlisle kicked him out. I begged him not to, but he wouldn't listen. Said Edward was 18 and responsible for himself. But I purchased him an apartment in town, and he informed me he has a job at a car place. I haven't seen him in three weeks and he refuses to talk to me. I called the school, but they wouldn't tell me anything. I spoke with Peter's boy Emmett, and as far as I know, he's going to school. So I believe he'll graduate if he tries. But I make sure he's okay and I leave money and groceries on his patio. He'll be fine."
"You think." I repeat again, and it's more of a statement than a question. "What did the judge say?"
"He has to pay restitution to the store for the damages, and for Mr. Clearwater's medical bills. Harry has to serve three months in jail. And Edward has a year suspended."
"Suspended? What does that mean?"
"It means he's free now, but if he gets in any more trouble, he'll have to go to jail for a year."
"Oh." It's a lot to soak in. School has started for everyone, but I'm stuck here, getting taught by people who don't give a shit. Cadillac basically cut off everybody, including me, and Mama had fled the fucking coup.
What a mess.
"Bella, I want you to do something for me, okay?" She pats my hands and gazes at me with motherly affection. "I want you to stop worrying. Don't worry about Edward. Don't worry about your mother or your father or even me for that matter. I want you to focus on yourself. Stop fretting about what's pulling you down and try to aim for a future that's looking up."
I try to soak in her words, but they're like water falling by the wayside.
"Oh, and I got you something. Just don't tell anyone. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to bring you anything."
She digs in her purse and pulls out a bottle of light pink nail polish with tiny bits of fuchsia glitter floating throughout. I take it in my quivering hands and turn it upside down to read the name.
Strawberry Ice Cream.
It makes me sob, and Esme holds me without letting go.
"You don't have to find your strength, Bella. Sometimes, it comes to you."
…
I walk behind Dr. Aro, but Kate and Irina block my view to the man standing behind them.
"Bella, so good to see you again. You look great." Irina reaches out a hand and I grasp it, smiling at my colored polish.
I'd lost the battle for bare feet weeks ago, so I started painting my fingernails. Kate never said a word about it, even though I'm sure she smelled it lingering from my room.
"Bella, your father Charles is here. We thought it would be nice if you two could meet. Remember, you don't have to talk if you don't want to. You are in a safe-"
I tune her out and walk around her.
"Daddy?"
My lip trembles as I see my father for the first time in two years. He looks the same, but older. He has my eyes, but darker colored hair. There are a few more wrinkles, but the mustache I loved so much still twitches above his lip.
"Baby girl…" He's unsure whether he should move, so I make the decision for him. My arms reach around him and I feel like I'm five all over again.
He holds me tightly, and for once there's no one speaking. No fancy words or terms being spoken, no soft voices giving advice. It's just my daddy and me, shutting out the rest of the world.
He smells like he always did, of fresh cut grass and dirt from the earth. He smells familiar and homey, and it's like I'm finally where I belong. I can't help but pull back and reach for his moustache.
He laughs and hugs me again.
I don't know how much time passes, but we embrace uninterrupted before I remember we're not alone.
Dr. Aro tries to assign seats, but I sit next to Daddy, on the blue couch with tan patterns.
"Welcome, Charles. We are so glad you could join us today."
"Charlie." Daddy clears his throat and clarifies. "I prefer to go by Charlie."
"Okay, Charlie," Dr. Aro, being a smartass, emphasizes his name. "As you know, today's meeting is instrumental to the proceedings of your court hearing. Upon my recommendation and advice, this is the final step to seeing if Bella can live in your care. I see on the forms you've established residency here in Forks, and you've been employed as a supervisor at the…" Dr. Aro squints and looks closer at the forms on his lap. "Wilton Car Dealership."
"Yes, that is correct. I can give a safe environment and provide financially for Bella."
"Good. But first, we need to discuss Bella's stay with us thus far. When Bella first came, she-"
"I'm right here," I interrupt, staring at all of the adults across from me. "You don't need to talk about me like I'm not in the room. I'm here."
"I apologize, Bella. Excuse me for my tactlessness. Would you like to speak about your experience here?"
I nod, trying to gain the courage to be honest. "Daddy, I … I got into trouble. I was partying and hanging out with the wrong people. But mostly, I was drinking. I'm an alcoholic. I drank because Mama was never home, and because you were gone. I drank because I was unhappy and I wanted to escape from myself. But mostly, I drank because of me. I … I figured I couldn't change my life, but I could change other things in a way. I could make you and Mama be around when you weren't really there. I could make myself happy and I could make myself run, even if I never left the room. I could do it all because the whiskey made me believe I could."
Dr. Aro prods me along, nodding his head. "But … I don't need it anymore. I realize I can't be dependent on something just because I can't change my circumstances. All I can do is change myself. And I have. I … read a lot and I learn from all of those fancy books Kate gave me. And I write a little too. Just sentences here and there, but they help. And I pray sometimes. I don't know nothin' about Heaven, but I reckon that's where all the rainbows are, so that's where I want to be. So … I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. And … that's all."
Daddy looks like he's about to cry, and I grasp his hand. I don't always take people's strength, like Mama's and Cadillac's.
Sometimes I can give it too.
"Bella, I am so proud of you. I just want to let you know, I'm sorry. I never wanted any of this to happen. Renee just took you away from me and I never saw you again. I tried, baby girl, I swear I did. She started … doing things, you know? Got real sick in her head. I tried to get her help, but she wouldn't listen. I even talked to her best friend, you remember Carmen from the Piggly Wiggly? But she accused me of an affair and … it just went all downhill from there. I did everything I could; called the police ... they didn't care about my rights. I'd gotten laid off from my job because of the economy, and they told me I was better to let you be with your mother. I didn't listen to them, but I couldn't find you anywhere. I just discovered you were in Forks when they called. I'd been looking in South Carolina. Renee told me she was from there when we met. I was going in the wrong direction, baby girl. I'm so sorry…"
Daddy don't look like the type of man that cries, but he's doing it now. I hate seeing him like this, crying over his liar of an ex-wife. I can tell by the way his shoulders shake that it's tearing him apart. I embrace him again, telling him it's okay.
There's nothing to forgive and only one person to hate.
Dr. Aro speaks quietly with the Denalis, closes his folder, and looks between Daddy and me.
"Upon reviewing the circumstances, I do believe it is in the best interest of Bella to live with you, Mr. Swan. However, that is left up to the judge pending the hearing this Friday. I will recommend that Bella receives continued therapy with a counselor and substance abuse treatment for outpatients. She will also have upcoming meetings with her caseworker. There will be further appointments and court hearings, but…"
Dr. Aro removes his glasses and talks to Daddy in a hushed voice. "Between you and me, Charlie, Bella is lucky to have you as a father."
"I'm the lucky one, Doc." Daddy smiles down at me, squeezing my shoulders. "What do we do when we fall, baby girl?"
I peek down at my fingernail polish before anyone notices and I grin widely.
"Get back up and try again."