Chapter 21 camp Jaha Confessions
He just lay there watching her sleep. Taking in her beauty, wondering what she saw in her dreams, if they were happy dreams or dark ones. She looked peaceful. He wondered where she went when she left after Mt Weather, because her journey seemed to heal her. She didn't seem to suffer with the night terrors he and the drop ship kids had. He wondered what it would be like to really feel happy. There were only brief moments of happiness he could remember; like when he let Octavia be the first to step out of the drop ship. Their first unity day when he saw Clarke really smile for the first time, and the time he walked into Camp Jaha when Clarke ran up and wrapped her arms around him. But they were only brief flashes, never lasting, and always followed by something that wiped away his happiness.
Clarke began to stir, and slowly opened her eyes. She glanced towards Bellamy and saw him watching her.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, still groggy from sleep.
"Better," he said.
"Good, "she whispered.
"Clarke, I'm sorry." He said.
"No, you had every right to say what you did," she said softly, as she began to sit up. "You were right, I was a coward, leaving our friends, leaving you,-"
"Clarke, don't" he said. "I get it, you did what you needed to do for you, and I can't blame you for that. I'm just sorry you thought walking away would take away our guilt. You can't take away what we did by claiming it yourself. We were in that room too. I pulled the lever with you. It's something me and Monty have to work out on our own."
"I know, I'm sorry, "she said. ''I just don't want you to hate me anymore Bellamy."
"God Clarke, I don't hate you, but you should hate me by the way I've treated you," he said. "I just don't know what I'm doing half the time anymore." He shook his head and started to sit up.
Clarke jumped up to help him. "Hey, take it easy, you still don't have your strength back" she said, while trying to help him sit up.
He held his hands up, letting her know he was okay. "I'm good," he assured her, but still keeping her at a distance.
Clarke just stood watching him. "Bellamy, what's happened to us? Have I messed up so badly that we can't get past this?" She asked softly, her tone full grief.
Bellamy just looked down at his hands. He shook his head, not knowing what to say. He thought of Finn. How odd was that. How badly one stupid decision on his part; allowing Finn to go running off with Murphy; which cost him his life and 18 innocents. It led to Clarke having to end Finn's life, something that would haunt her forever. Octavia was right when she said everything that had gone wrong was because of him. His decisions usually led to suffering.
"Clarke, it's not you, it was never you." He said, sounding dejected.
She went to him. Stood in front of him, reaching out to touch his cheek, but he leaned away, closing his eyes, holding his breath as if her touch would burn him. She quickly pulled her hand back. "Bellamy", said in anguish. Sadness overtook her; she slowly shook her head, looking at him the way you would an injured animal, wanting to help, but fearful of getting bit. "Tell me what to do, "she pleaded as tears began filling her eyes.
He looked up and saw the tears pooling in her eyes. "All I do is hurt people," he said. "I don't want you getting hurt, but here I am, doing it anyway, "he said.
She looked at him, the tears over flowed and dripped down her cheeks. Finally he couldn't bear it; he reached out and took her hands, pulling her to him, holding her head into his shoulder and cradling her against him. She silently cried into his shoulder. "I'm sorry, please don't cry" he whispered.
He held her, comforting her, she pulled back, looked at him as they still held each other. She leaned in and kissed him softly, her heart fluttered her knees weak. He was taken by surprise, but welcomed it, reaching up to the side of her neck with one hand while the other wrapped around her waist. He kissed her tenderly, at first, and slowly sank into her mouth with a fiery passion. He wanted to devour her, to taste every part of her. He loved her, and wanted her, he didn't care about later. His mind was clouded by his desires. She sunk her hand into his black hair, taking in his tongue as they tasted each other; they wanted to bury themselves deep into each other. The softness of their lips, conflicting with their hurried passions they had been holding back for so long.
His hand sneaking up her shirt, touching up and down her back, she followed his lead and doing the same. He moved his mouth down kissing her neck and under her jawline, his hunger for her growing.
Suddenly he stopped. His eyes grew wide. He grabbed her upper arms, stopping her, realizing he had to stop. "No, I can't do this, I can't," he said, as he put his hand to his face. "I'm sorry, we can't do this," He said.
She stepped back and looked at him. She was dejected. "It's Echo, isn't it?" she asked.
"What?" he asked.
"You loved her, didn't you?" she asked.
"Yes Clarke, I cared about her," He said looking down. "She saved my life, took care of me. She was there when I needed her. She knew how I felt. Things just happened. You had walked away from me, after I begged you to stay. Echo knew I wasn't 'in' love with her, we were honest about that, but she loved me anyway..."
'But you were bringing her to live with you," She said.
"She was pregnant with my baby Clarke. When she told me that, I knew I had to protect them. She knew I was in love with you, but she still loved me. I wasn't going to let my child live without a father, like me and Octavia did. I was going to bring her back and raise my child with her, but when I got to her village…." he trailed off, sadness and regret in his voice.
"Oh Bellamy, I'm so sorry," she said as tears sprang into her eyes. 'That's right before I found you at the drop ship, isn't it?" she asked. "That's why you had to hunt down Emerson."
He looked at her, grief in his eyes, "Don't you see now? He asked. "I can't risk it anymore. Everyone that I care about gets hurt, I'm toxic to everyone, and I can't let anything happen to you. The best way to protect you is to stay out of your life."
He bent his head down his hands clasped together his elbows resting on his knees. He looked dejected. Clarke walked up to him, fitting her body between his legs. He looked up at her, his eyes sad and full of regret. She reached up and gently put her hand on one side of his face. "I love you Bellamy." She said tenderly. "You are not toxic. You're an amazing, strong man, I'm so sorry about Echo and your baby. I'm so sorry." Then she softly kissed his mouth then wrapped her arms around him and they held each other.
Deep relief flooded his body, she knew about everything. Still she loved him, despite it all.
Finally she realized the core of his anger towards her; he was trying to push her away. He was doing it to protect her because he loved her, he was willing to risk letting her hate him, to keep her safe.
"Bellamy, you can push me away, but it won't change anything. We're surrounded by death here .We have a chance to be happy. I want to take that chance with you. It's worth the risk if we love each other.
He stared at her and realized a life with her was worth the risk. He couldn't pretend anymore.
"I love you Clarke, "he said. He pulled her into him, kissing her deeply, wanting more. Breathing harder, reaching to pull off her top. He winced at the pain in his ribs.
She stopped him. "No, stop," she said, pulling away. "No monkey business until your well. We're not risking anything, until your better, doctor's orders."
He had a disappointed look, almost playful. She smiled at him. She leaned in and kissed him again. "Now kissing, I'll allow that for now" she said, Then she kissed him softly, nipping his bottom lip, finally opening her mouth feeling his tongue with hers, her body tingled with anxious wonder, the flutters of new undiscovered feelings and intimate pleasures his mouth gave her, with something as simple as a kiss.
Bellamy was able to sit up in one of the drop ship chairs. He refused to lie on his back all day. Clarke insisted on hunting for food. Bellamy was scared to death every time she went out. He knew he had to trust her, but his apprehension was overwhelming. He couldn't relax until he saw her return. Surprised to see her carrying a rabbit she was able to snare, the pride clearly evident on her face. He was frustrated when she refused to let him clean it. "You're not doing anything," she said. He relented, and let her clean it and prepare their dinner.
At night as he lay down, she carefully crawled into the bed next to him. "I thought you said no messing around," he teased.
"Oh, and I meant it," she said, "but it doesn't mean we can't keep each other warm." She said.
"You're making this really hard princess," he said, as he snuggled against her.
"Harder than you realize," she said back to him. She smiled and kissed him. "Two weeks," she said between kisses. She felt him smile while his mouth was over hers.
They drifted off to sleep wrapped in each other's arms. Bellamy finally slept a full night without waking from dark images.
A week passed, Clarke told him about her journey after Mt Weather, and about Gemma. How she felt like Bellamy was her Russ. How Russ risked everything to bring Gemma and her brother and sister to safety during a blizzard, and Bellamy risked his own life going after Clarke, when he was injured.. Bellamy asked her if she would take him to meet Gemma one day soon. He wanted to meet the woman that helped Clarke, and thank her.
They heard horses approaching; they got up, Clarke, looked at Bellamy limping, but didn't protest as he grabbed his gun.
'Clarke," shouted Abby.
The two relaxed, Bellamy sat back down getting the weight off his leg when Abby followed by Octavia and Lincoln walked into the drop ship.
Abby saw Clarke and wrapped her arms around her. "Why did you leave?" She asked.
"Sorry Bell," said Octavia, looking at him, "she made us bring her." He just gave her a half smile and nodded.
Then Abby turned and folding her arms, looked at Bellamy. "What were you thinking." She said. "In all my life, I've never known anyone so stubborn and reckless."
Bellamy just looked at Clarke, wondering if she was going to step in and save him from Abby's tirade.
Frowning as she smiled, agreeing with her mother. "Clarke" he finally said, tilting his head.
"No Bellamy, she's right. I told you it was a stupid thing to do. "She said, amused at Abby scolding him.
"You made a promise Bellamy." Abby said.
"Your right, I did. I'm sorry." He said. "No wait, I'm not. I'm not sorry. She's the reckless one, not me." He said, pointing to Clarke. "She ran off, knowing I would go running off after her. She's the one you need to be yelling at!" he said, clearly teasing them, trying to lighten Abby's mood.
Knowing Bellamy's motives, Abby, turned towards Clarke with the same look. "Clarke? Is this true?" she said trying to stay serious.
Clarke opened her mouth, surprised, "Bellamy!" she smiled.
Octavia and Lincoln just watched, laughing.
Abby looked over Bellamy's injuries, she determined he was being well taken care of. Clarke promised she was not allowing him to do anything. They brought some supplies, and after a while headed back to camp. Clarke assured them they would be back in three weeks, plenty of time for Bellamy to recover.
Octavia hated leaving. Something in her wanted to stay, but she knew Bellamy and Clarke wanted to be alone. Still she had an uneasy feeling that she couldn't shake. Before she left, she looked at Bellamy, Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, hugging him extra hard. He looked at her, questioning, "What's wrong, O? He asked. He knew her well enough to sense her unease.
"I just miss you Bell, "she said, 'I love you."
He smiled at her, "I love you too, I'm good O, I promise. It'll be okay" he reassured her.
Abby, Octavia and Lincoln rode back to Camp Jaha, Octavia, looking back as she left.
'