Chapter 21:
Kitty and Richard came separately to the same conclusion, that the best course of action would be to act as if nothing had happened. They even convinced themselves that nothing had happened.
Thus, when the party was assembled for the evening, Richard challenged Darcy to a game of chess and Kitty took out her portfolio, determined to draw William as he played on the floor beside Elizabeth.
The drawing progressed so far as the shape of the face and the eyes before she realized that it was not William's face she was drawing. The features were those of a grown man. She looked up at the Colonel's absorbed countenance. The mouth of the man in the picture took on the same determined tilt. The nose became the Colonel's too, slightly crooked, and the sandy hair was soon completed. Kitty studied her work critically. It did not do him justice, she decided. His features where not handsome, but they were both pleasant and unique.
Lizzy said something to her and she looked up with a guilty start. She shoved the drawing among the first pages of her collection and asked Lizzy to repeat her remark. Lizzy asked how William's portrait was coming and added that she would be happy to hang it among the Darcy portraits if Fitzwilliam had no objection. Kitty smiled a little thinly and drew out a new sheet of paper. She blushed as she explained that the first drawing had not gone quite as she planned and that she intended to start over. No one noticed the blush, and she applied herself to the new drawing, determined not to become distracted again.
As she was heading towards her room that night, she passed by the library door. She saw a light within and pushed it open a little.
Lizzy stood by one of the bookshelves, chosen book in hand. Kitty went in and gave her sister a hug. Lizzy returned the embrace warmly.
"Is something wrong?" she asked concernedly as Kitty let out a shaky sigh.
"No, nothing... Lizzy, I wish I could be as confident as you, as good at everything I do."
Lizzy sensed that there was more to the remark than Kitty admitted. She drew her sister over to the little sofa and they sat down.
"First of all, I do not consider myself at all 'good at everything I do.' Your suggesting it only proves how sweet you are. And Kitty, I think any lack of self confidence in you is simply because you tend to think too little of yourself. You have no lack of admirable qualities, only the fear that you lack them. But someday, and I doubt the day is far off, you shall discover and believe for yourself what I know for a fact, that you are a truly lovely young woman, and that you shall find a place that is all your own."
Kitty snuggled into her sister's embrace.
"I love you Lizzy."
"And I you," said Lizzy, touched by Kitty's gesture and words.
They parted in the doorway and headed for their respective rooms.
Halfway down the hall Kitty met Colonel Fitzwilliam, also on his way to his room.
He paused to say, "Goodnight Miss Kitty. I hope you rest well."
"And you sir," she answered, not looking at his face.
"Have you seen Elizabeth?"
She looked at him then. "She was about to retire when I saw her a moment ago."
"Oh, then I shan't disturb her, I just wanted to tell her I finished a book she recommended. Have you read this one?" he asked, holding it out for her to examine.
"Yes, I have," she said, pleased that she had applied herself to the books Lizzy had given her.
"Perhaps Elizabeth recommended it to you as well? She has excellent taste does she not?"
Her face fell. "Yes, she does," she said quietly.
"And yours is similar?"
"Yes," she said, unable to say anything else do to the tears which threatened to lend a quiver to her voice. "Goodnight Colonel Fitzwilliam," she managed, before hurrying past him towards her room.
Richard looked after her, his brows knitted together. He had been trying to prove to himself that he could carry on a normal conversation with Kitty Bennet, and she had run away in apparent distress. He shook his head, trying to clear it, and went into his room.
The next day was overcast with a promise of rain. Of the party assembled in the living room, only Georgiana and Elizabeth were cheerful. Darcy was absent. Kitty was quiet, and Richard preoccupied.
Once, Kitty thought Richard was coming to talk to her, but he passed by and stood by the window instead.
"The clouds are not so heavy I think," he commented. "I daresay we shall have no more than a light shower."
He turned back but paused between Georgiana and Kitty. "That is a very fine drawing Miss Kitty," he said casually, seeing the sketch of William in her hand. "You have a great deal of talent."
She smiled in spite of herself at his praise and murmured her thanks.
"You like drawing?"
"Yes, very much."
"Have you ever been to the British Museum? Among other things they have a fine art collection."
"I have not. I should like to very much," with a shy smile.
"Perhaps she shall soon," said Georgiana. "We are going to London for the season this year."
Richard turned to Lizzy. "When do you plan to leave?"
"Not until December certainly. Fitzwilliam cannot leave Pemberley until everything is in order for the winter."
"He should not like to leave at all I daresay. But he wants to be there for my coming out," Georgiana added.
"Jane and Bingley are going in two weeks. Highwood Manor is not as large as Pemberley and the autumn work will be finished sooner. Kitty and Georgiana are to accompany them and stay with them until Fitzwilliam and I can come."
Richard started at her last words. Suddenly, the thought of Kitty going to town, meeting some young lawyer, marrying him, meeting himself again, she the wife of another, he the husband of Anne de Bourgh hit him with a sickening rush.
"Will you be coming to London this year?" Georgiana asked innocently.
"Perhaps in the spring," he said shortly.
"We shall be back here by April at the latest," Lizzy said. "That is the longest Fitzwilliam can stand the society of the ton for."
Richard smiled as was expected of him and took a seat near Georgiana. He picked up a book and was soon, to all appearances, deeply absorbed.
"I am going outside. The lighting is better for drawing," Kitty said, suddenly rising.
Richard looked up involuntarily at the sound of her voice. He stood up and bowed as she made to exit the room. He felt something akin to a shiver in the air as she passed by him.
In the garden, Kitty sat, holding her portfolio open to the drawing of Colonel Fitzwilliam. Despite her own heart's whispering, she felt a keen sense of the injustice of valuing her only for her likeness to her sister. She aspired to be like Lizzy, she admired her greatly, but she had thought seriously about her sister's words the evening before. She realized, not without pain, that she could never be Lizzy. And yet she was convinced that, to the man she loved, she was enough like her to be nothing but an image of what could have been, a memory of someone else.
A tear splashed onto the paper, then another and another. She wiped her eyes hastily. Closing the folder, she placed it carefully on the bench, then headed down to the path by the river, to walk away the traces of her tears.
She came in again, tears dried, but did not miss her portfolio until late in the evening.
Richard, restless and unhappy with himself and the world in general, went out to the garden. He was determined to leave Derbyshire in the morning, although he knew Darcy and Elizabeth would raise objections. He felt that he could not stay.
His leg hardly pained him at first, but he soon became weary and made for a bench under a weeping willow tree.
As he drew near, he saw something lying on the stone seat. The sky was still overcast, although no it was clear that no rain had yet fallen, and he picked up the object, fearing that it would be drenched by morning if he did not bring it inside.
When he examined the cover, he recognized Kitty's portfolio. As he tucked it under his arm, a loose paper slipped out and fell onto the ground. Stooping, he retrieved it and turned it over. His own face looked up at him in the half light, roughly sketched but unmistakable. His heart beat fast as he saw that the paper was discolored and still damp where tears had fallen on it.
In that moment he knew that he was hopelessly in love with Kitty Bennet.
He could help Anne in another way, but he could not live without Kitty.
There was a light step behind him and he turned quickly.
"Miss Kitty!"
She flushed, and he realized that she had identified the object in his hands. He felt his own face turning red. A do or die feeling came over him and he spoke quickly.
"I had the good fortune to come across your book here Miss Kitty, and hope that you will allow me to return it to you with my compliments on your skill. This drawing fell out and I was bold enough to look at it."
He held out the book with the drawing on top. She took it and, after one quick look at the sketch, her face turned as white as the paper and she looked up in confusion to be met with a gaze, not of anger or surprise, but of such tender appeal that her mouth opened in astonishment.
"It is a good likeness," he said, in such a tone that caused her heart to skip a beat. "When was it drawn?"
"The other night… when you were playing chess with Mr. Darcy," she said, her voice barely more than a whisper. "I am very sorry to have done so without your permission."
"I don't mind," he said softly. "But answer me one more thing. Why are there tears on the paper?"
Kitty looked down at the paper as if to check the existence of the betraying tears. Then she turned those soft blue eyes full on his face, with desperation written in their every look. "Because…" she whispered. She stopped.
"Miss Kitty? Kitty," he spoke gently, tenderly.
Kitty turned her blue eyes on him. "Yes?"
He spoke past the tightening in his throat. "All my life I have had to choose carefully where I bestow my affections. With you I have tried to be guarded… and failed."
What was he doing? This was madness.
After a moment he tried again. "My fortune is very small, just large enough to support myself tolerably, with no estate. I could perhaps afford a small house in Town but nothing more. My poverty would be nothing to myself with you by my side, but I hesitate to ask it of you."
Her eyes grew luminous and he ached to take her into his arms. He stepped back a pace to gain control of himself. Before he could continue, she spoke. "You must hold me in little esteem to think that I would refuse to marry you simply because of your finances. I would marry you in a moment if that were the only drawback."
"May I ask what the others are?" He was very pale.
"You love my sister, and although I am aware that I have very little merits of my own as of yet to recommend me I will not be cared for only as a shadow of another woman."
He stared at her in blank astonishment. He had no idea that she could be so passionately and beautifully angry.
He wanted to refute her argument but, while he was still trying to form a sentence, she broke the silence again first. "Were you not also planning to make your cousin Miss de Bourgh an offer of marriage?"
"Who told you that?"
"I heard Elizabeth say something about it to Mr. Darcy. It seems she is your confidante, which further proves my first point."
"I did not make her my confidante, as you call it, and so it proves nothing," he said, a little heatedly. "Regarding Anne de Bourgh, I felt it my duty to offer myself to her because her husband died in my place. But I did not know what love was then."
"And you do now?" her tone was bitter.
"That is not for me to say but I do know now that it would be wicked to deprive Anne of the chance for finding love again, of feeling what I now feel for you, simply for the sake of comfort."
She looked at him, her face beginning to show the traces of tears. She was still very young and had never imagined that love could be so painful. The moment saw the shattering of childhoods dreams, and she broke down entirely under the strain.
Richard saw her tears and heard her sob as she turned away. Unable to control himself he caught her hand in his own. "Kitty, listen to me. You are wrong about…"
She did not let him finish. With a little cry, she snatched her hand away sharply and ran from the garden.
Richard stood, staring after her. His face darkened as his heart turned within him.
This was his punishment for breaking his resolve. He had been weak and indecisive, conduct that had no place in a soldier. He would go to Rosings and do as Lizzy had advised and he had intended.
The rain began to fall.
A/N: Hopefully the last chapter of Richard and Kitty angst. I know some of you don't like Richard at this point, but please, refrain from shaking him until you see what happens in the next chapter. After that I will hand him over to you to do as you like with. Deal?
Anyway, thanks for reading. Have a blessed Easter!