Chapter 21

After a trauma your body is at its most vulnerable. Response time is critical. So you're suddenly surrounded by people. Doctors, nurses, specialists, technicians. Surgery is a team sport. Everyone pushing for the finish line. Putting you back together again. But surgery is a trauma in and of itself. And once it's over, the real healing begins. We call it recovery. Recovery is not a team sport. It's a solitary distance run. It's long, it's exhausting and it's lonely as hell. The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries. And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal. You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living. Things may have changed too radically to ever go back to what they were. It might not even recognize yourself. It's like you haven't recovered anything at all. You're a whole new person with a whole new life. It's A Long Way Back; Meredith Grey

Post- operative day eight: Meredith stirred a little bit. Derek could not believe what he saw. "Mer?" He asked with a quiet and shaky voice. Meredith'hs eyes slowly fluttered open. But she couldn´t talk. She was still intubated but the ventilator only assisted 55%. So that means the vent forces her, for every breath she took on her own, to take another breath. She was almost ready to come off of it. Meredith tried to form words but the endotracheal tube was not allowing it. It was obstructing her airway. She wanted that thing out. "Sshh, Meredith. It is just the tube. It´ll come out soon. But just let it do its job." Her eyes were full of questions, and she was telling him with an intense gaze that he should tell her what was going, why she was intubated. Reintubated. "Just relax. I'll page Burke and Bailey right now. Oh, and Cristina. They will be so relieved when they hear that you are awake and responsive. You had me really worried. I am still worried about you. But, it's all okay now."

Meredith closed her eyes for a second, then she opened them again and focused at Derek. He grasped her hand and squeezed it gently. He noticed that her hands were still cold. But she was alive, finally, the antibiotics had started working. She was going to be okay. He was so grateful for that. Before he knew what was happening tears were rolling down his cheeks. Tears of undescribeable joy he now felt. Like in Trance, he grabbed his pager and paged Dr. Bailey, Cristina and Dr. Burke. Hopefully they could take her off of the vent in a few hours or at least lower its assistance.

"You are okay now, Meredith. You will be okay. You are still on the vent ..." He whispered. Meredith did not look like she liked being on a vent, it was a quite uncomfortable feeling in her throat. Also, it keeps her from breathing on her own.

Meredith's blue, intense eyes were focusing him, gazing at him. He pressed her hand softly, he was elated when Meredith replied the pressure with a squeeze, then he placed at short, gentle kiss on her forehead. What happened, he could read lots of questions in her eyes. He hesitated. Only the constant beeping of the cardiac monitor could be heard, reminding him Meredith's heart was steadily beating. The pacemaker was doing its work. His fingers traced along her arm, finding the intravenous access in her wrist. "Does anything hurt?" He asked Mer, he was scared of her answering with yes, but she did not. Her head moved slightly, almost imperceptibly. No, she was not in pain. Thanks to the pain meds she wasn't feeling any pain. What a huge relief. He couldn't image how confusing that must be. Lying here with all these beeping, blinking, noisy devices and the whole not being able to talk thing because of the mechanical ventilator.

Derek breathed a sign of relief. The ventilator shoved a breath through her torso, showing him how fragile she still was. Derek had tears in his eyes. He watched Meredith's chest rise and fall each time she took a breath or the ventilator shoved it through the tube into her lungs that were still inflamed. Even if it had gotten better. Her sat had shown a greater improve, that was good. Very good.

Why am I on a freaking vent?

What did happen when I wasn´t, well, conscious?

Derek Looks like hell on earth. Like he hasn´t slept in days ...

What is going on, I really need to find that out.

I need to talk, write anything ...

Meredith's eyes were half open and half closed.

He wasn't sure if she saw him, but for sure she was feeling his presence.

"Mer." He softly said her name. Meredith drew in a deep breath herself, through the tube connected to the mechanical ventilator without its assistance. She did took a breath without its help. Derek looked into her face. It was still pale but much better than when she was four days post- op and fighting against hospital- aquired pneumonia. So, breathing over the vent is a good sign. That was a good sign. It really was. Meredith was getting better even though it had been an uphill climb. But they will make it through this whole thing. He looked at her chest, it was invaded from drainage tubes that were supposed to drain out water and blood. The ECG leads connected to electrodes on various points on her chest ...

It was hard find a normal piece of her soft skin.

Then she took another breath on her own. "Good job, just keep breathing like you are." He supported her with quiet but strong words. Meredith blinked and started to look around the room. Everything seemed cold and sterile. Like in a hospital in an ICU room.

Derek noticed her uneasiness.

Derek started talking to her, he was trying to keep her calm. "Hey, Mere, I am here." When she heard Derek's voice, she relaxed and her heartbeat slowed a bit down, back from sinus tach to a normal sinus rhythm. Again she was breathing over it. Her eyes were asking questions, lots of them. But Derek did not want her to what had happened. At least not yet. She should focus on recovering and getting better. "I am here." He repeated softly. "Cristina will be here soon too." He then said, "Dr. Burke made her go home, she had spent the last few days in an on-call room somewhere on this floor ..." He trailed off.

What is going on here. Why won´t he tell me?

She was pretty sure that there was something he wasn´t telling her. Intentionally not telling her, presumably to protect her. That sounded like Derek. Meredith suddenly felt very tired, the whirring of all the machines sounded in her ears. She wanted to feel Derek's presence but the weariness took over, it was like her brain doesn´t have the power to hit redial even if she wanted to. So her eyelids slowly closed and she couldn't do anything about it. The next time she woke up, she heard Derek talking to another voice in the room. She couldn't understand everything they said, she just heard some bits and pieces that she couldn't make sense off.

But still, she tried to understant what Derek and this other person were talking about.

"... lower ... " Someone said. "She ... breath ... ov ... lower usage percentage ..."

They were talking about her, about lowering the vent. Meredith was doing more and more work on her own. So they really could lower its assist to see how Meredith responds to that. "Let's ... I am check.. h ... vital fuctions ... we ... anyth ..."

"You ... it's a good ..." Derek replied, his voice sounded hopeful.

The other person answered something but she just couldn't understand what. They were standing too much away from her bed, plus they were talking extremely quietly. Meredith's thoughts wandered to another topic. She listened to the beeping of the heart monitor, then back to the conversation from Derek and she guesse d, some other doctor who was treating her. Probably it was Bailey or Burke. At least that would make sense.

She tried to give them a sign that she wanted that tube out, it was starting to bug her.

She wanted it out. Ad acta.

"Meredith?" Derek asked when he saw her hand motions toward the tube. "She wants it out." He said to someone standing behind him. "Let me check her vitals."

Someone was coming over to her bed, checking the intravenous line that dripped meds and hydrating fluids into her system via a catheter shunt. "Grey!" Someone said her name very loudly. Meredith blinked in response. "Grey. Can you hear me?" "She can." Derek answered for her. Meredith sent a silent 'thanks' to him, but Miranda shushed him with a sharp and commanding voice: "You, be quiet." Meredith rolled her eyes, she was surprised she could do that in her current condition. "Well, it looks like you are right. She might be hearing us. If she didn't she wouldn't roll her eyes." Derek laughed. "That's my Meredith." He said. Bailey huffed and turned her attention back Meredith. "Meredith, can you blink? For me, it's Bailey. Your resident." Meredith followed her intructions and blinked. "Good." Bailey responded with a smile.

Now Meredith recognized the voice. It was her resident. Dr. Miranda Bailey checked now her blood pressure. The automatic blood pressure cuff constricted around her arm sighed as it released.

"It is nice to see you awake. You had us all worried. You know that, right?" She told her intern, she looked tired but happy. Meredith was pretty sure it had to do with her. Meredith looked questioningly at Bailey, at least so much as the ventilator allowed her to do. "You didn't tell her?" Bailey's gaze went to Derek who looked aside. Derek doesn't want to face Bailey. "Tell me that it is not true." "She has to heal, Miranda. I am not endangering her recovery with information that I could tell her after she is out of the woods.

I am still not out of the woods, Meredith wondered silently. I am feeling fine. I am fine. There is no need to worry. She wanted to tell Derek that he didn't need to worry about her, that she was fine. She would be okay. Will be okay. But she couldn't tell him that because of the tube that was still down her throat and it didn't look like it would come out anytime soon.

Her gaze wandered to the heart monitor and checked her rhythm. It was a normal sinus rhythm continued by the pacemaker stimulation. Now there wouldn't be an AV blocks or sinus node arrest. She breathed in and the tube went white from the vapor. When Burke entered the room, followed by Cristina. "Meredith." She exclaimed. "You're here. Awake. God." She practically flew to Meredith's hospital bed and threw a view over to all the monitors and to Derek, who was obviously more than relieved that Meredith was awake. Meredith tried to say something but the damn tube was in her way. It was blocking her airway. She did not need it anymore. She was perfectly capable of maintaining her airway alone - without the help of the mechanical vent. She motioned to the tube, softly gathering strength to try to pull it out. But Cristina softly stopped her from doing that.

"Don't pull it out. You will hurt yourself, Meredith." She said. Meredith motioned to the tube, again. Why didn't they get it? She wanted it out. This time, Bailey told her with a calming voice: "It'll come soon. We lowered the usage percentage of the vent and if everything goes well, you'll be off of it in the next hours." "See, a few hours aren't long." Cristina supported her person. "It will be out sooner than you know." That's easy to say for you, Meredith thought to herself, but then she heard Cristina saying something important.

"Thank you for not dying." She said, tears in her eyes.

Meredith blinkte and searched for Cristina's hand and pressed it reassuringly. I am okay, she wanted to tell her that and that they shouldn't worry. She was okay, really. Not fine, she was okay.

Derek asked a question: "How is she doing besides the fact that she is almost ready to come off of the ventilator?" Bailey looked at the neurosurgeon. He suddenly thought like a doctor and knew there were also other things that are important. "She is doing great." She answered, overlooking her most recent labs she'd run and the other tests they did came back okay. "Her lungs are working much better now. She really recovered fast from the pneumonia. That is very good. There still is a bit wheezing but it'll disappear when she completely recovers. But we'll keep an eye on that and maybe we do another set of chest films just to be sure her lungs ... that the antibiotics are working. To be sure we haven't missed something." Derek nodded. He agreed with that 'Be sure nothing had been missed'- approach.

"Sounds good. What about her ..." He glanced at Meredith who listened to Cristina who was telling some funny stories. Dr. Bailey looked at him expectantly. "... kidney function?" He finally finished his question. Dr. Bailey gazed at the neurosurgeon and then said: "It's hard to know what can happen, right?" Derek nodded and looked at her, searching for an answer. "They are functioning, her urine output was pretty good. So there is no need to worry." She reassured him. Derek answered with a quiet voice: "Thanks." "It's going to be okay. She's going to be okay."

Dr. Bailey left the room of the Cardiac Intensive Care Unit but before she left, she said: "Page me and Dr. Burke when her condition changes. Hopefully for the better than worse." Derek nodded. Cristina told Meredith about some work- related things that doesn't interest him. So he said, "I will go home since I know you are okay. I promised you that I would take care of myself. So I need to take a shower and eat. The food I had was only some disgusting sandwiches from the vending machine down the hall and coffee." He told her. Meredith's eyes widened when she heard that. In this moment, his stomach growled, it was audible despite the whir of the vent.

Meredith tried to signal him that he should eat something. That wasn't what she had in mind when she told Derek to take care of him. She tried to tell him with her eyes that it was okay to go home and eat, sleep and take a shower. Derek smiled his McDreamy smile, but right now this wasn't working. "It's okay." Cristina said who could read Meredith better than a book. "She wants you to do whatever you need to do. She wants you to take care of you." She told him. "I know she would want that." Meredith nodded slightly. She was breathing over the vent, the usage percentage dropped a little bit. It was now only 32%. In a few hours she would be off it. She would be fine without him for a couple of hours. Maybe, when he came back, she was ready for extubation ...

"Okay." Derek said. His gaze went over to Meredith, then to her heart monitor and checked it for any signs of arrhythmias. But the monitor showed a normal sinus rhythm which about he was glad, more than glad. "I will be back soon." Derek said. Meredith released a huge breath without the vent. Derek went over to her and kissed her on the forehead. "I love you. Don't forget that." He said. Meredith blinked and her cold fingers were searching for his hand. Derek quickly found her hand and pressed it gently. "I'll be back soon." Then he slowly released his grip on her fingers and glanced at Cristina. "You will be here the whole time, right?" He wanted to know.

Cristina nodded.

"Meredith and I will be just fine. Go. She will be fine. I'll make sure of that. I will be here the whole time." A small hint of a smile could be seen on her lips. Derek nodded, turned away from the room but then he went back and gave her another kiss on the forehead. Meredith looked into his face. Seeing his blue eyes looking at her and for a moment, just for a moment she forgot where she was. "I love you." He murmured, softly brushing his hand through her hair. For a moment her eyes closed. Cristina watched the scene. They really loved each other. Meredith's eyes remained close, she was sleeping. Healing. "I'll leave you two alone." Derek said, before he left the room and went to get his car and drove home, to Meredith's house.

Lexie Grey was on the way to Seattle because she wanted to visit her family. Her sister Molly was pregnant and she had besides the medical studies at Harvard Medical School found the time to visit her family. Molly was in the hospital, there were complications during pregnancy and her little sister was therefore at Seattle Grace Hospital being treated. Now the baby was born. However, there were also problems after the birth of her niece. Lexie didn't know any particulars about the current situation. Susan had not told her very much over the phone, but she did worry about Molly, which was understandable. But she was also happy to come home. To be with their parents and visit old friends. But most of them already moved away to go to university or they went to see foreign countries. But anyway, that's beside the point.

She loved the feeling about being back home. At least for a weekend. It was raining again and Lexie sighed, turned the windscreen wipers and focused on the road. It's cold and wet outside and there wasn't very much light. It was getting darker and darker.. Hardly, a car was driving on the road on this desolate interstate ...

The road was a bit slippery and Lexie's car made a swerve on the opposite lane. Luckily it did not hit another car or a tree that was in the way, luckily, there weren't any cars so that wouldn't be the chance to hit one - which she had been relieved about when she had her car back under control. Her family had been busy worrying about her younger sister and she, well, she was the one with the good grades and goes to med school. Anyway, they were already worried about Molly and her little daughter Laura Grey, so it would be better to get there in one piece. In addition, Molly's husband Eric Thompson was still stationed in Iraq and it would take its time until he would come back home. Lexie saw her family too rare since she had begun studying human medicine. She wanted to become a surgeon. It was her dream since she was a little kid.

To distract herself, Lexie turned on the radio. But there wasn't anything interesting. Just some news. Political and economic issues were being discussed. Something about Syria or Iraq, she didn't get it all. Then the weather report for Seattle was aired. Lexie turned up the radio and listened to what they say about the weather. But the reporter just said, that it would continue to rain for the next days. Great, she thought. But she wouldn't spend much of the time outside. She was going to spend it with Molly in the hospital. Her car began to slide and quickly, she responded that it stopped sliding around on the wet road of Interstate like that. Then she reached Seattle. She liked that city. It was where she grew up. It was near the ocean and it wasn't hot all the time. After thirty minutes she reached her destination: Seattle Grace Hospital. She was there.

She parked her car in the next spot she saw and entered the building. Rain was still falling. When she reached the reception desk, she asked a nurse for directions. Then she made her way to the floor Molly was lying on. She felt her heart race in her chest when she pressed the elevator button-

When Derek opened the door to Meredith's house, he noticed someone in the kitchen. Maybe it was George or Izzie, one of Meredith's roommates. Presumably Izzie who was baking muffins. That would explain the smell. "Hello. Someone here?" He called loudly. First, there was no answer. Then there was a loud rumble and a curse. "Damn it." Someone said and Derek slowly went into the kitchen. Then he recognized Izzie. "Hey." He said, as his gaze scanned the kitchen. The kitchen was a complete mess. There were muffins standing on the table. He was sure they were still warm.

"Can I take one?" He asked. Izzie turned around, she was very surprised to see the neurosurgeon here.

"Dr. Shepherd." She stuttered, taken by surprise. "Yes ... of ... of course you can." She said nervously.

Derek nodded. "Thanks." He said, he took one from the plate and started eating. His stomach immediately wanted more. He didn't know how hungry he was until now. "Mmm." He said. "It's delicious. You did a good job." He smiled warmly, he wasn't able to keep down his joy about Meredith feeling better. It was ... "Thanks. I will clean this up, no worries." She said, she looked mortified by the made she caused with her baking. "It's okay. I just came to shower and some clean clothes. I'll be gone before you notice." He said and with that, he disappeared. After he had showered, he grabbed some clean clothes. When he was finished, his pager whirred.

Damn, where did he place that thing? After searching the whole room, he found it on the nightstand. It had been a really easy position to locate. But even things this simple ... He feared the worst when he looked at the little screen. He held his breath and released it when he knew that everything was okay. They were paging him because they were ready to extubate. A smile formed on his lips when he read the message.

Derek was back from her house. He had showered, had a decent meal and was now back at the hospital. With Meredith. The ventilator only assisted her breathing. Meredith did all the hard work herself. That could be seen on her improving sats. When Dr. Burke came in to check on her, he noticed the low usage percentage of the vent and then he decided it was worth a try to get her weaned off of it and see if she will do it on her own. "So, Grey. Your condition really has improved since I have been here and I think we could extubate." He told her. Cristina responded at first: "Well, that's great news." Derek nodded, he was at a loss for words. They were finally able to extubate her. She would be breathing on her own in the next minutes.

Meredith tried to smile. She was happy it was coming out. Very happy.

He checked vitals and breath sounds and then said: "Meredith is ready to be taken off of the ventilator. Prep for extubation." He said to a nurse. Then she left the room and came back a few minutes later. Meredith was happy about that she was being extubated. Cristina and Derek were happy too. Finally, they were ready and prepped for extubation. "When I remove the tube I want you to breathe out when I start removing it. On my count ..." Dr. Burke told his patient. His hands were in sterile gloves that she saw. Then she concentrated on breathing. Meredith blinked to show him that she understood what he wanted from her. Cristina looked at the monitor, staring at it. She looked for any changes in the heart rhythm or oxygenation.

"One ... two ... three." He counted loudly and slowly and carefully removed the endotracheal tube.

Meredith prepared herself for what was coming but it was uncomfortable either way for Meredith but she got through it. She coughed after the tube was out. When she tried to talk, her voice was raspy and hoarse. Her throat was still sore from the intubation. But it would go away sometime soon. She was sure about that. She took a few deep breaths then focused on the people standing around her bed. She blinked. Once. Twice. Then the fuzziness cleared up and she saw Cristina, standing there next to her bed. She had her hands on the bed railing, squeezing it hardly so that her knuckles turned white.

She was nervous. Worried. Derek was standing on the other side of the bed, tightly he squeezed her hand. Meredith just lay there, she was trying to gain some more strength. "It's okay, Mer. You don't need to talk yet." Meredith nodded slightly, breathing in and out. Then again. For a moment, she felt the sudden urge to sleep but she fought it off. She wanted to stay awake. She had been out the last few days. She breathed. Felt that everyone was watching her do it. All on her own. The disconnected vent had been turned off. The ventilator was still standing there, resting, underneath her heart monitor. She didn't need its support any more. Unused. Done. Finished.

In Seattle Grace Hospital, Dr. Miranda Bailey and Dr. Addison Montgomery were talking to the distraught parents of Molly Grey- Thompson and grandparents of her daughter Laura. But it wasn't them they were talking about. It was another young woman and Molly and Lexie had never met her before. "Mr. Grey, can we talk to you for a second?" Addison asked the father of her patient. They were standing outside of the patient room. "What ... why? What is going on?" He asked back, fear sounded in his voice. "What is going on?" Susan, his wife, joined the conversation with a frown. "Is something wrong with Molly? Or Laura?" She wanted to know, concern sounded in her voice. "No, no. It is nothing like that. Molly is fine and her daughter is fine too. I just checked on her before I got here." She answered, professionalism was evident in her voice. "What is it then?" The question lingered in the air. For a few moments, Addison stayed quiet. Susan and Thatcher Grey noticed the tension. He was shifting uncomfortably.

"Maybe it's better when I talk to you alone, Mr. Grey. Would that be okay?" She asked.

Susan nodded and went back to her daughter's room. She did not ask why she should go but she did it.

Thatcher shifted uncomfortably. He didn't know what this could be about. He has no secrets. Susan knew he had been married before. He had been married to Ellis Grey, the surgeon. But they didn't work out. "Were you ... I am sorry, but we have to ask, were you married before you married to Susan or had a girlfriend? It is really important. We need to know that." Addison finally told him what this was about. Thatcher looked at them in surprise.

"Why ... why are you asking all these questions?" He wanted to know, his voice shook. Immediately he remembered his time with Ellis. How they met. Their wedding. Ellis's affair with Richard. The moment she had told him about the baby. He had thought it was Richard's but now ... He wasn't so sure. "Just answer the question." Bailey said. "Yes, I've been married before." He confessed

.Thatcher Grey looked at her shocked. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What." He croaked, obviously surprised. "Why?" He asked, his voice shaking. "Why is this relevant?" He wanted to know. "Because one of my interns, Dr. Meredith Grey, supposes that you could be her father. She only has his name. Thatcher Grey, she said when she told me about it. Her mother raised her alone ..."

"So ... what you are saying is, that I could have another daughter?" He asked dumbfounded.

Dr. Bailey nodded. "A paternity test can tell us that." She explained. The man shook his head. "No no no, I cannot believe this is happening." "It's about a DNA test, or paternity test. However you want to call it." She then revealed. Pause. Silence between the three adults. Will you do it?" Thatcher didn't answer right away. "I don't know-" He answered, his voice was unsure. Bailey and Addison waited for him to continue.

"I don't know- I already have a family." But deep down he knew this doctor was right. He knew Ellis had been pregnant and he walked away from the responsibilty. He was ashamed of himself. Why did he do that? His thoughts raced. Suddenly, he said: "Okay, when?" Dr. Bailey looked at her colleague and searched for an answer. Addison helped her out: "As soon as possible."

Lexie was startled when she heard her father talk about to the doctors. She had picked up the words, and was shocked. My father had a secret. That it was now clear. Molly knew it? Your mother? Did the other of the Grey, who happens to be the same last name as she had. Grey. It was not a common name. She remembered another person had written one that the history of medicine: Dr. Ellis Grey, general surgeon and the renowned 'Grey-method' developed.

"Okay." She heard her father saying. "When do we have the results?"

She didn't hear what the doctors were answering.

Lexie had read in a journal about the procedure and heard about it at university. In addition, Ellis Grey was one of the first great female surgeons. Maybe there was indeed a connection between all the Greys. Lexie Grey. Thatcher Grey. Meredith Grey. Ellis Grey. Was that other Grey her sister? The half sister she never knew about? Lexie had so many questions that swirled around in her head and she did not answer to them. Lexie shook her head in confusion. She did not understood it, simple as that. She would confront her father on occasion so that she gets some answers.

Then she left, her stomach churned. Lexie swallowed hardly when she thought about what she had whitnessed. How can she visit her sister Molly and look at her and her mother and not tell them about what she heard. This was not a small thing, this was big thing. A very big thing.

"Do you remember what happened to you, Meredith?" Dr. Burke asked after he removed the tube that helped her breathe when she wasn't able do to it herself. Meredith's eyes remained closed. But her chest rose and fell steadily with each time she breathed in or out. "She sleeps." Cristina said softly, watching the small frame of Meredith lying there. A breathing mask strapped over her mouth and nose to make sure she gets enough oxygen. "We should let her." She said. Dr. Burke nodded. "It's best for her if she sleeps. When she's in pain she can adjust the pain meds with the help of the PCA pump." He instructed them before he leaves. "Hm." Derek responded, wiping his face with his palm. He suppressed a yawn.

"You should do it like Grey." He said. "Sleeping is good idea for you, too."

Derek did not respond. "It's gonna be long, the healing process ... You will need your strength, Derek."

Derek nodded. "I will sleep. Sometime." Burke frowned but did not say anything. Cristina and Derek were sitting there, watching Meredith sleep in a healthy REM sleep. Derek felt tiredness creeping up in him. Before he knew what was happening he fell asleep in his chair. It didn't seem very comfortable but Cristina didn't want to wake him as long as everything's running smoothly. He deserved some peace and quiet where he could sleep. Well, she just sat there. Looking at Meredith's face, imagining the scar that bisected her chest in two.

In general, the closure of the sternum using vigorous takes place, led through the intercostal spaces wire loops ("wire cerclages") after have been received by necessity in the mediastinum drainage systems. That is how they closed Meredith's sternum up, exactly using that technique. Cristina Yang just sat there, for hours and minutes ...

After two or three hours, maybe four, Meredith woke. Her eyelids slowly fluttered open open. Only Cristina and Derek were in the room and watching her sleep. Meredith didn't answer right away. Her throat was sore from the intubation. When she noticed that plastic mask over her face, she pulled it down to her chin, away from her mouth and nose. Now it rested in the crook of her neck. She breathed loudly, her fingers still clasped the cup of the mask.

After gaining some strength, she croaked after some preparation: "How are you?" She breathed noisily.

"Meredith?" Derek asked.

"You asking us how we are?" He said thunderstruck. He wondered how she could do that. Disbelief sounded in his voice and Cristina escaped a muffled sound as she stared at her friend in awe. That could only do Meredith.

"We were worried sick about you, I am not even sure where it's safe to touch you - and you want to know how we are?" He exclaimed. Meredith smiled weakly and took a deep breath, then: "Won' hurt me. I have my good old friend morphine." She answered, referring to her appendectomy a few months ago.

"Excellent stuff." Cristina agreed.

"But you should leave that thing on." She said. "Your pulse oxymeter will start whining soon because there is no way that you're getting enough air on your own yet. She should leave the mask on. It is just for support." Meredith nodded, but didn't make a motion to pull it back on. So Cristina resettled the oxygen mask over her mouth and nose.

"You remember what happened?" Meredith looked between Derek and Cristina in the room. Why were they staring at her. Then it came back. The memories. "Yeah, I ... re ... remember." She finally croaked. Her eyes closed for a minute and she fumbled for the PCA pump. When she found it, she clicked it. One. Two. Three. Four. Four times. Then she leaned back. Derek smiled happily. His Meredith was awake and responsive and she remembered what happened. Relief flooded through his veins and he let out a breath he didn't knew he was holding. She remembered the surgery, what happened after the surgery ... She remembered.

"I could hardly breathe. I remember." Meredith told him in quiet voice, her throat was still raw. She closed her eyes for a second, then she opened them again and looked at both of them. "I couldn't breathe. It felt like my lungs were on fire or something, they just wouldn't do the work the wanted to ..." Meredith told them with a barely audible voice. In order to hear her, they have to be very very quiet. So they just nodded and waited for her to continue.

"I only remember bits and pieces." She continued.

"Can you up the bed a bit?" She asked Derek who immediately reacted. Without a word, he pressed a button on the side of her bed. When it was comfortable for Meredith, she said that it was good. Derek stopped pressing the button and sat down on the visitor's chair. "The stabbing pain was unbearable but the most time I was out. I don't ... remember what came after that. Everything was just so blurry. And then the incision that also hurt." Meredith whispered, taking a deep breath.

"It was hard. Then, nothing. I was out."

"For a few days." Derek nodded. "I love you, Mer." He said.

"I love you ..." She mouthed towards Derek, who replied with a kiss on her cheek.

Post- op day eleven: "Now I have a scar. Will you still love me despite this horrible scar on my chest?" Meredith asked him. Her voice was serious but her eyes were showing that she just asked for fun. Derek smiled and kissed her on her mouth before he answered Meredith's question. "This scar ... because of this scar you will live. I have not lost you. That means everything to me, Meredith. You are the the love of my life and a scar won´t change that. Never ever. Even with scars you´re beautiful." Derek assured her, happy that his girlfriend was out of surgery and her vitals were great. Meredith giggled but stopped when she discovered that her ribs hurt which was to be expected after open heart surgery.

"Ouch." She grimaced. Derek looked at her alarmed. "Are you ... Is everything okay ... do you want more pain meds?" He asked worriedly. That made Meredith smile but she said no. "I just need you. If I wanted more of them I just need to hit the PCA pump, you know." Derek kissed her on the forehead. "I know." He responded, a deep sigh was escaping his lips. "I just worry about you. I hate seeing you in pain and that I can't do anything about it." Without saying anything, Meredith took his head into her hands and kissed him right on the mouth.

"Wow." Derek got out when they as they separate from one another. He drew a deep breath. "I know right?" Meredith asked him, she knew he was thrilled how much energy she had. "I am the one with the fixed heart. Now I can do this without having trouble breathing. I can do what I want. I know I should follow directions but screw it. You only live once." She said, thinking out loud. She knew Derek didn't like the part with the screw following directions, but she didn't mean it. When Derek looked at her with a shocked expression she rolled her eyes and said: "Relax. I was just kidding. Of course I won´t so anything that could somehow endanger my live, I got it, Derek. I am a grown woman."

"Well, you stuck your hand in a body cavity with living ammunition in it. And you almost got blown up because of that action." Derek reminded her.

"I know it was stupid but I had to do what I had to do to save the patient. He had kids, Derek. Why are we even talking about this?" Meredith asked, tried to sit up but groaned when her chest wouldn't allow her to do that movement. "Are you okay?" Derek asked alarmed. "I am fine." Meredith replied, still trying to breathe as shallow as possible so that it won't hurt that much. But with each minute that passed, the feeling in her chest disappeared and Meredith relaxed. "You sure? I don't have to get someone? See if it's infected?" Derek reacted a bit panicky causing Meredith to chuckle. But this time it did not hurt. She was glad about it. "It is not. If it was, I would definitely know it. I am a surgeon too, even if I am still in training."

"You said it." Derek grinned when he looked at Meredith, who looked so much better than before the surgery. The pacemaker really was working. "Okay, Mer. I really need to shower. And food. I am starving." "Go, Derbear, do something for yourself. You have been taking such good care of me since all of this began ..." "I will be back in four hours, give or take. I love ya." He said.

"I love too."

Meredith was bored out of her mind. Hospitals are boring when you are a patient, there is nothing you could do. Then Dr. Burke came to check on her. What a welcomened surprise. "I came here ... " Meredith cut him off: "... to check on me or / and my incision. I am doctor. I know how it works." He just grinned, but did not talk. But then, "You sure do."

"I sure do know how this works." She parroted.

"Incision looks good. It is healing properly." Dr. Burke said after he examined the surgical scar. Meredith scoffed. "That's good, Grey." He smiled when he covered it so it was safe from bacteria and any other germs- "But it is clearly visible. I'll never be able to wear a bikini." "I did not wanna know that, Grey." Burke responded. "You had a scar before this surgery." "But it wasn't that visible before the surgery." Meredith argued back. "I have to work Grey and you have healing to do." He answered. Meredith frowned and watched the surgeon leave her room. "But I have nothing to do. I am dying."

"You are not."

"I am. Because of boredom."

But he only laughed. Meredith pouted. "I'll send Cristina to prevent that." He said, before he left the room. "That was the answer I wanted to hear." Meredith said, happy that her surgeon was being cooperative.

About five minutes later, Meredith already feared that Burke had forgotten what he had promised, she heard footsteps coming nearer. Hopefully it was Cristina.

"Burke sent me here."

Suddenly Cristina was standing in the room. Meredith's face lit up when she saw her friend. "With a really weird reason. He said something about you dying due to boredom. Is that even medically possible?" Cristina stated, moving closer to the bed. "You're here, finally. Living in the hospital is downright boring, there are no patients or anything. Just a bed, all the noisily beeping machines that are ought to drive you crazy while monitoring your vitals, no offence- but I really miss being in an OR, learning some new techniques." "Meredith …" Cristina tried to stop her patients rambling. "Plus, daytime television sucks. I miss being an intern, being here as a doctor." Cristina stared at her in amazement.

"So you actually called me to come down here to talk about how much daytime television sucks." She stated bluntly.

Meredith nodded while Cristina released a designated sigh.

"Well, maybe you have time to visit me. I sent Derek home to get a shower and eat and sleep." Meredith explained. "Also, these chest tubes, when do they come out? Any time soon, I assume?" Meredith sounded desperate. "Uh, I don't know. That depends on how much fluid still gets collected in the chamber, Mer and you know it." Cristina let herself fall on a visitors' chair. "I don't even know what rain on my face feels like. I've been here forever and this sucks." Meredith complained. "Why me?" She then asked. "Why me?" She repeated. Cristina had no idea. "I don't know. Weird twist of fate?" She offered.

"Shut up." Meredith grumbled.

"You're supposed to be doing the whole being supportive thing.

"Well, I am not. So just stop whining and suck it up. You can't change a thing anyways so why bother racking your mind for an answer you're probably not gonna get." Cristina told her straight out.

"Go to hell." Meredith gave back exasperated.

Cristina just shrugged and Meredith leaned back. "That's the Meredith I know." She just added a few minutes later. Meredith only rolled her eyes in reply which led Cristina to letting out a chuckle.

Post- op day fourteen: Meredith was stable enough to be moved down to stepdown unit. And she was more than happy about it. No more annoying catheters, just i.v. Access et cetera and the cardiac monitor. She still was a little weak from the infection but the antibiotics started working and kicking the infection´s ass like Cristina would say. Cristina was here, updating patient charts and because she wanted to spend some time with Mer, she decided to do them here. That way, she can work and spend time with her best friend.

"You don´t have to ..." Meredith said while slowly sitting up, followed from a small groan.

Cristina looked up, she saw the pained expression on Meredith's face.

"Don´t ask me if I am in pain. I am not." Meredith said, already knowing what Cristina thought. "Are you? Or isn´t your PCA pump working?" She asked, pointing towards the little thing where Meredith can admister and adjust her pain meds after her own needs. "Don´t you have something to do instead of questioning patients lying in CICU?" Cristina's face

"So, Grey, we are about to move you. Are you excited?"

"Excited of getting out of here." Meredith replied, she wrinkled her nose. Dr. Bailey laughed. "Well, it may take awhile before I can let you out of here. Three weeks minimum, four to five weeks maximum." Meredith grimaced. "Really, and there is no way I can negotiate?" She asked back. Dr. Bailey's lips twitched deliberately. Meredith laughed as the surgeon ordered two nurses to prep a room for her in stepdown unit.

Now it can only get better ... The worst was over.

A/N: Well, now there is Lexie in the mix too. It's getting interesting. If you want to find out what Meredith and the others say when the results of the paternity test are in? How will they all react to the news? How will Meredith, will she agree on meeting Thatcher? And her half sisters? There are a lot of possibilities and changes ... Now there is a lot of family drama. Grey- ish family drama. I hope you like this chapter ... I will post the next chapter as soon as possible.