And Then There Were Two
Chapter Twenty-One
When you're sick, you're supposed to be home. Home is where things are comfortable, it's where you can cuddle up and fall asleep under your favorite comforter. Home is where family is, where familiar things are kept. When you're sick, you want to be where your things are, where you can eat your own food and wear your own clothes. People aren't supposed to be in the hospital when they're sick. Or rather, they aren't supposed to want to be in the hospital. The hospital isn't familiar. It isn't a place where you can choose your own food or wear your own clothes. The hospital is a cold, hard place where the walls are bare and the atmosphere is anything but inviting. The thing is though, sometimes when we're sick, the thought of going home is too much. Sometimes the reality of home is overwhelming, and more than we can bare. Sometimes, we'd rather stay away.
It was another three days before Dr. Hunt cleared Meredith to go home, deciding that she was stable enough to leave despite a long road of recovery ahead for her both physically and emotionally. She was still in a lot of pain and struggling to get her strength back, but he figured there was no point keeping her in the hospital where he was sure she and Derek were unable to truly grieve over the loss of their baby.
Meredith had been quiet about the news. She hadn't said much of anything, which left Derek worried. His mom tried to convince him that she was just overwhelmed with everything, but he knew better. There was no emotion in his wife, just sort of a blank stare and robotic movements. Derek knew that she wasn't okay. He knew that going home left her with more than she was ready to deal with, and he wanted more than anything to be able to fix that. He couldn't, though, and their trip back to the house had been a silent one.
Going upstairs had been out of the question once they arrived back at the house, and Meredith was glad. It was easier to ignore things downstairs, where there were no signs and no reminders of the baby that they'd lost. She wanted to be able to spend time with her husband as well, not be locked away in a room where she missed what was going on around her. Derek had kept his promise to her that he would take care of getting rid of Grayson's things that were scattered around, and she was relieved to see that there were no baby reminders in their living room, or at least none she could see from where she was resting on their couch. Upstairs was an entirely different story, she knew, but she didn't care as long as she didn't have to see it.
It had taken a lot out of Derek, to put away the things they were in the middle of preparing for their son. The bottles had been right were she said they were, sitting in the dishwasher so they would be clean for their first use, and the laundry had been equally as difficult to go through. He'd tried to just do it with a focus on helping his wife out, but it had been impossible. There had been many tears shed as he worked on getting rid of all evidence that they'd been expecting a baby, and he'd been glad that he insisted he go alone. His mom had stayed with Meredith, giving him time to do things slowly. It had almost been a chance for him to sort of let go of the dreams they'd had, of the baby they both wanted. Derek had sat on the floor of their house and cried, but he'd walked away with a bit of a renewed strength, and the slight hope that they might actually be okay.
When it had come to completely getting rid of Greyson's things, though, he hadn't been able. So, he'd tucked everything away in the nursery and simply shut the door. It was unlikely Meredith would be able to go upstairs for some time on her own, and he knew that would give him enough time to tell her that he just couldn't bring himself to destroy the nursery they had poured so much love into. That door remained locked, the key on their dresser. They would face that together, when they were finally ready. He wasn't sure how long that would be, but he knew there would be a day when they could go in there, hand in hand.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like something to eat, dear?" Carolyn stepped out of the kitchen, glancing at her daughter in-law who looked to be deep in thought. "I made the stew with you in mind, and you look like you could use some meat on those bones. No offense."
"I appreciate it, Carolyn." Meredith glanced over to her, forcing a small smile to her face. "But I'm really not hungry." Despite having been thirty-one weeks pregnant just six days ago, the time spent in the hospital had left her looking pretty undernourished, considering how little she was eating. The baby weight had come off quickly, and though there was a small reminder where her bump had been, a stranger would never be able to look at her and tell she had recently been pregnant. Meredith was grateful for that. She didn't want the looks and the stares, or the questions.
"Meredith." Carolyn didn't seem to be taking no for an answer. She stepped out of the kitchen further and walked into the living room. "You need to eat something. You can't just sit around here and worry yourself to death. I know..."
"Mom," Derek's firm tone interrupted her, and he frowned a bit at her before turning his attention to Meredith just to make sure she was okay. The lack of tears gave him a bit of relief, but not much. "If she says she isn't hungry, she isn't hungry." He knew his mom's intentions were pure, but he also knew she had the ability to be incredibly overbearing. Meredith was already fragile enough without someone pushing her and in her face all the time. "She's tired. Let her sleep, and when she wakes up you can bug her about eating." He looked at his mom to make sure she understood him before he sat down on the couch next to his wife.
Carolyn knew better than to press the issue with her son. He was a stubborn man, much like herself, and she didn't want to cause an argument. "The pot will be on the stove." She sighed and headed upstairs to get some cleaning done, figuring it would be a while before Meredith was able to or Derek was willing to.
"Thanks," Meredith leaned over onto Derek, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Didn't seem like you were going to be able to talk your way out of that one." He slid his arm around her. "How are you feeling?"
"Okay. The pain medication is starting to wear off, but it isn't too bad." She closed her eyes, pulling her blanket around her.
"Cold?" Derek frowned and glanced at the clock. "You can take another pill in an hour." He grabbed an extra blanket from the back of the couch and unfolded it, putting it over her so she didn't have to do the work.
"Thanks," A soft smile settled on her face just before she yawned.
"Are you sure you don't want me to carry you upstairs so you can sleep in bed?"
"Yeah. It's too..."
"I moved all of the stuff, Mer." Derek knew what she was worried about even before she said it. "You asked me to, and I moved it."
"Where did you end up putting all of it?" Her voice was softer as she thought about Grayson.
He hesitated, trying to decide if it was worth it to tell her the truth or if it was easier to lie to protect her.
"Derek?" Meredith lifted her head off his shoulder, glancing over at him.
"In the nursery," He braced himself for her reaction.
"Oh." It took her a minute to figure out whether or not she was upset. Part of her was angry and a little bit panicked that her son's room had been untouched, but there was another part of her that was grateful Derek had made the decision not to just throw everything out.
"I'm sorry. I just, couldn't."
"It's okay," She finally decided, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. "And I guess upstairs would be okay. But only if you promise to lay down with me. It gets lonely after a while, and you could use the sleep."
"Okay," Derek smiled and stood, carefully lifting her into his arms, doing his best not to hurt her. When she did wince a little, a frown settled on his face. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just, hurts. To move like that." In an effort to block the pain out, Meredith closed her eyes and rested her head on his chest, taking a few deep breaths.
"Maybe you should just stay. Or, at least stay upstairs after we get you in bed."
"I'm okay, really. Can't stay in bed forever. Then I'd waste away and there wouldn't be anyone for the dirty sex."
He couldn't help but laugh. Her comment had come out of nowhere, and Derek truly laughed, for the first time since the accident. That was Meredith, his Meredith. The playful tone in her voice, the flirtation, the jokes, uniquely the woman he loved, the woman he'd thought he might never have again. "Can't be without the dirty sex. We'll have to make sure you at least walk the hallway." He teased.
"I knew you'd eventually see my point." Meredith grinned though she kept her eyes shut. It was truly heartwarming to hear his laugh. After all of the pain that had overshadowed them in the last week, they needed that.
** GA ** GA ** GA **
"Lexie," Mark stood outside the bathroom door, knocking quietly on it as he listened to her spilling the contents of her stomach. At least she made it to the bathroom. He sighed when she didn't answer, using the frame of the door for support, a beer in his free hand. It was only ten in the morning, and already his second. Four weeks had passed since Meredith Grey had been released from the hospital, and despite the news that she was doing much better, Mark's behavior hadn't changed.
Tears slid down Lexie's cheeks as she sat there on the floor of the bathroom, listening to the drunken tone of the man she loved. The man that was falling apart, the man that felt like he'd lost everything. "I'm okay," It was a lie, but she didn't feel like there were any other words. Mark was already broken enough, and the alcohol just sort of sent things over the edge for her. She couldn't bring herself to talk to him except when it was really necessary.
"Lexie, open the door." He knocked harder, starting to become more and more frustrated that she was shutting him out.
"I'm okay, Mark. Really. Just, go back to whatever it is you were doing."
"Open the door, Lexie!"
His raised voice caused her to jump, and she stood when she was sure that she was done throwing up. "Go away," She mumbled, quickly brushing her teeth so the taste of vomit would no longer be there. Her eyes fell to the box on the counter. First Response. It was unopened, and she just looked at it, her hand unmoving.
"I'm not going away. Not until you open this door. If you're sick you need to be in bed."
"I'm not sick."
"Really? Because I'm pretty sure..."
"I'm not sick, Mark!" Now she was yelling, drawing in a deep breath in an effort to calm her nerves down. Shaky hands moved to pick up the box on the counter, and she slowly opened it. She was dating a drunk. An addict. A man who had been healthy and whole but was now broken and addicted. And she was, no. She wasn't. She couldn't be.
"What are you doing?" A look of confusion spread across his face when he heard her rattling the box. "Lexie." He banged on the door.
Instantly, Lexie turned on the water so he couldn't hear the sound of her opening the test. I'm not. I'm just, freaking out. Things are…stressful. Mark's all messed up. Meredith's…alive. And...I'm just…freaking out. Not. Not pregnant. Can't be, pregnant. Still, the stick came out of its package and she sat down, closing her eyes for a moment.
"Lexie Grey!" The yelling continued, and he rattled the knob on the door. "Open this door, or I swear I'll break it." It wasn't just about anger. For Mark, on top of everything else, the alcohol was too much for him to handle. Combined with her bizarre behavior and frequent trips to the bathroom where she seemed to be throwing up everything she ate, things simply left him a ticking time bomb.
"I'll be out in a minute, Mark!" Lexie glanced at her watch, counting down the seconds until she could peak. For the meantime, she sat down against the wall, leaving the used test sitting on their bathroom counter. It was the test she was sure would put her fears to rest, the test she was convinced would allow this part of her life to return to normal even if nothing else was going right.
He seemed satisfied for the time being, though he didn't move away from the door.
Lexie was smart enough to turn the water off so she wouldn't raise his suspicions anymore, and when her time was up, she slowly peered over the counter at the tiny stick that she had been unaware would truly change her life forever. Pregnant. It was the digital kind. There was no mistaking the word written there. She threw up again. Despite there being nothing left, Lexie managed to get sick yet again. Her heart was racing, and sobs wracked her body as she sunk down against the floor.
The second he heard the lock on the bathroom door click, Mark turned the handle and flung it open. Wide eyes landed first on the box on the counter, then the test, and finally the woman who seemed as if she'd forgotten how to breathe. "Lex," He quickly sat down next to her, pulling her close. His own heart was pounding and thoughts were racing, but for the time since the accident, Mark Sloan thought only of the broken woman he was holding. Pregnant. Lexie was pregnant. For a moment, he wondered how he'd missed the signs, how he hadn't noticed that something was off about her. Then he remembered. The accident. Grayson's death. Meredith. There was no way he could have noticed. He had been too busy trying to pick up the shattered pieces of his own heart to focus at all on anyone else.
She didn't fight his hold, despite the incredibly strong and unattractive smell of beer on his breath. In fact, despite her anger and frustration toward him, Lexie was happy that Mark was there to hold her as she tried to stop hyperventilating.
"Breathe, Lexie. You can't start going all crazy on me. You have to breathe."
"I'm pregnant," The words were barely understandable through her hysteria, but she managed them. "Meredith's baby is dead, and I'm pregnant."
"Little Grey," Mark sighed and ran his hand through her hair. Underneath the drunkenness, the guilt of what he'd caused to another family, the pain, and the fear of what was to come, there was a hint of true happiness at the news that he was going to be a father. It was small, barely noticeable, but it was there. Still, he refused to let himself go there, at least for the moment. At least not now, when his best friend was still reeling from the loss of Meredith's pregnancy.
"Don't."
"It's okay." He kept her in his arms, setting the beer down on the floor next to him. "It's okay, I'm here."
"Pregnant." Her voice broke again, and she only clung to him more.
Mark sighed when he realized she wasn't going to let up any. "You have to calm down." There was a firm tone to his voice, but he made sure he wasn't harsh. Despite everything else, there was something about the news that Lexie was pregnant that had turned on a lightbulb inside of him. Things weren't going to just suddenly be okay again, but it was a starting point. It was the match he needed to start the fire. Carefully, he scooped her up into his arms and carried her to their room where he laid down on the bed with her.
Lexie didn't protest. In fact, she simply curled up against him and wrapped her arms around his neck, tears still sliding down his cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Words came again when she had finally calmed down enough to breathe at an even and steady pace.
"You don't have to be sorry, little Grey." He sighed, guilt over how he'd been treating her washing over him. "There's nothing to be sorry for."
"It's my fault. It's my fault I'm pregnant, and you, you're…"
"Going to get help." He insisted. "I'm going to get help, Lexie. I know I've been scaring you. I've been scaring myself. But I'm going to get help, and I'm going to make things right. For you, for both of us. For this baby."
"So you're not mad?" She finally dared to ask the question that had been caught at the back of her throat.
"Of course not." He kissed the side of her head. "I'm surprised, but I'm not mad. I've wanted a baby ever since..." He couldn't bring himself to think about his daughter and grandson.
"Me too." It was a quiet admittance, but it made Mark smile. For the first time in a long time, he smiled.
** GA ** GA ** GA **
"So let me get this straight," Cristina made a face as she sat Indian style on her friend's bed. "You come home, four weeks ago, and you're like, practically good as new…" She made a face. "And you still have him eating out of the palm of your hand?"
"Cristina."
"No, I mean, it's great and all. If you like being treated like an invalid. Except you're not an invalid. There's nothing wrong with you. I mean, there is. There is, but, not like he thinks. I mean, McDreamy is like, McClingy. And, McBroody."
Meredith laughed, quickly putting her hand to her lips. "Stop it."
"If he hears me, it will be the best thing that could have ever happened to you. Because you're not a McCharity case. You were hurt, but you're not so hurt now."
"I'm still a little hurt," Meredith made a face.
"Yeah, when you don't want to get up and make your own breakfast."
"Owen's the one that said I still have to take it easy and rest." Meredith pointed out, though there was still a smile of amusement on her face. "So maybe you should…"
"Don't blame this on Owen. It isn't his fault that Derek's gone all crazy on you. He's..."
"Protective." Meredith finally said it for her. "I really scared him, Cristina. And he's just protective of me. He's scared that I'm going to break, I think."
"Has he looked in the mirror?" Cristina made a face. "Because McBroody is going to be the one to break. He's, I mean, he already seems…"
"Different." Meredith admitted. "He seems different. But that's because he lost his son, Cristina." The look in her eyes changed, and suddenly a deep sadness settled over her despite the previous laughter with her best friend.
"You both lost a son." Cristina sighed, looking down for a minute. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I am. We all are. We wish, I mean, if…"
"It's okay." Meredith didn't want to have to think about the intense sadness over the loss of her baby boy, but by then it was too late. Tears threatened her eyes, but she quickly took a few breaths and forced them back.
"Doesn't seem like you're okay." Cristina finally looked over at her. "And you shouldn't be. You shouldn't be okay. At least, not right now. Not so soon."
"Sometimes it feels like it's been forever," Meredith admitted quietly. "And then other days, I can barely get out of bed. I can barely lift my head off the pillow. Those days seem like day one all over again. And it hurts. It hurts, on those days. So maybe that's why Derek is still scared. And he's still worried about me. And sad. I've never seen him so sad. He..."
"Really wanted to be a dad." Cristina finished for her. It wasn't like her to be the sentimental emotional one, but things were different now. This was different from anything else any of them had ever faced before.
"Yeah." She wiped away the tears that finally did manage to fall.
"Do you think you guys will try again?" It was a question they'd all thought about, but Cristina Yang was the only one brave enough to ask. She knew if Meredith didn't want to answer, she wouldn't, so she found no harm in laying it on the table.
The silence followed made Meredith uncomfortable, even if it was her response that they were waiting on. It just, the question, it seemed like too much. And she wasn't really sure, or, she was sure. She just, tears fell faster.
"It's okay. You don't have…"
"I think we will," Meredith cut her off. "I think we will. Because we both wanted him. We wanted him so much, even if we weren't trying. We were happy. We were happy about being parents. I really wanted to be a mom. And you should have seen him, Cristina. Derek has pictures. And, we have his footprints."
Cristina suddenly found herself hugging her friend as she cried. "Did he have a lot of hair? Because..." The joke came only in an effort to lighten the mood, which was suddenly much too sad and emotional for her liking.
"He was perfect." Meredith's voice broke, but she managed a small smile. "He had hair. Like Derek. And so I think we'll try again. When we can finally figure out how to wake up each morning and breathe without feeling as if our hearts are being ripped into a million pieces, we'll try again."
"Nobody's trying to pressure you," Cristina pulled away and looked at Meredith, hoping that she hadn't given off the wrong impression. "I mean, another broody Mc…well, you know, wouldn't be much fun."
Meredith laughed, even through her tears. "But the hair."
"Yeah, you're right. That might make up for it."
"And I know, that you aren't pressuring me. I know. I just, I don't know what's going to happen, Cristina. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with the death of my son. And when I think about having a baby, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because somehow it's an insult to the baby that's gone."
"That's not true." Cristina frowned. "You have a right to be happy, Meredith. You, and even McDreamy."
Despite hearing the laughter coming from their bedroom, the tone downstairs in the Shepherd house was much different. Derek sat at the table with his head sort of buried in his hands, elbows resting on the wood.
"You have to pull yourself out of this, son. I know it still hurts, and I know it's been a lot to deal with, but you can't let this take over your life. You can't let this be your story. Meredith is struggling, and she's starting to find her way again, and she needs you. She needs you to be there with her. She's not strong enough to hold you up, or to pick you up after you fall."
"It's not that easy, mom. I know you think it is, but it isn't. You don't know what it's like, to lose a son. To hold your dead baby in your arms, to sit in fear that your wife will be next. To..."
"I lost a husband."
Derek slowly lifted his head out of his hands and looked across the table at his mom. "I know. I know you did." He sighed. Despite his words, he realized that he'd forgotten just how much his mom did understand the position he was in. "I just, I don't know how to move on, mom. I don't know how I'm supposed to just put this behind us."
The emotion in her son's voice was enough to break Carolyn's heart, and she found her own eyes filling with tears as she saw him wipe away his. "It gets easier, Derek. With time. Things get easier as time passes. And you and Meredith, the two of you are lucky to have each other. You have to hold onto that. I know things seem dark right now, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though it seems like the pain is too much for you to deal with, I believe that you can get through this. But only if you decide it's what you want. Because right now, all I see is a man who is giving up."
"I miss my son." Derek's voice wavered, and he let his tears fall. There was no point in wiping them away, he knew, because more would come. "I know I never met him, but I loved him. Meredith and I, we both loved him. He was unplanned an unexpected, but we both really wanted the chance to be parents."
"You can have that." Carolyn chose her words carefully. "Nothing can ever replace what you've lost, Derek. Nothing is ever going to take away the pain of losing a child. That type of pain, is unimaginable. But you can have a life, Derek. You can live your life again. And somewhere down the road, when the two of you are ready…"
"There won't be any more kids, mom."
"Derek."
He simply shook his head. "I can't do it. I can't go through this again, and neither can my wife. She's," Derek sighed. "It's just too much."
"You've wanted children, for as long as I can remember. You've always wanted children."
"I can't lose any more kids, mom. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I can't handle it now. Life, it's just, it's like the world stopped. Everything just sort of goes in slow motion. Everything hurts. It just, hurts." The tears stopped but the emotions didn't.
"You love Meredith Grey, right?"
"I've always loved her."
"If you love her, then you have to stop. You have to stop this, and find yourself again. Because that poor girl has been through hell, Derek. She's been through hell, and I can guarantee you that if she has to watch you break, she'll be destroyed. So if you love Meredith, then you need to look to the future, not to what's happened in the past. The pain will always be there, but if you can figure out how to move on with your life, it won't control you anymore."
"I know." Derek sighed, thinking about Meredith. He did love her, and he did want their life together to be one of happiness. Things were never going to be perfect. He didn't expect them to be. And the pain of losing Grayson was always going to be there, somewhere, but he knew his mom was right. They had to start looking to the future, and stop letting the past swallow them up.
Otherwise, they'd lose each other too.
*Revised 6/2017