CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE: TWO SIDES OF A MUTUAL HEARTBREAK
Yo's Bar was bustling with a mixture of activity and noise – typical atmosphere for around 5 o'clock p.m. on an average weeknight.
Jack and Holden were sitting on neighboring barstools at the counter and working on their second round of beers. Holden was engrossed in the content being transmitted from the other end of the cell phone he was holding…about four inches away from his ear. The loud tirade being communicated by a wrathful female voice at the other end of the line had him sitting there with a look of sheer horror on his face. He slowly handed the phone back to Jack.
"Wow," he said, a little dazed from listening to the voicemail. "And that was after you turned the volume down a few notches…"
"In the middle of a bar filled with some irritating honky-tonk music and a range of drunks, half-drunks, and semi-drunks" Jack added.
"Is she always this terrifying when she yells?" Holden asked.
"Not from what I remember. The worst she's been was the other night at the farm when we finally addressed the fact that the marriage was over."
"Pretty scary stuff, Jack," Holden remarked. "Is she really leaving town?"
"Seems like it," Jack said with a shrug. "She's obviously had it with a lot of us Oakdaliens. I'm guessing Dusty didn't forgive her for whatever happened with that bellhop."
"How do you feel about it?" Holden asked. "Janet leaving town, that is."
"I honestly don't know," Jack confessed. "A part of me feels guilty that I put her through this sham of a marriage. And another part of me feels…relieved," he admitted.
"Notice you didn't say any part of you feels sad," Holden pointed out with a chuckle.
"Because then I'd be lying," Jack explained. "Of course I'd like to be there for Liberty now that Brad's gone, but I doubt Janet will let me stay in touch with her. I'm sure she's angry with me all over again for hurting her mom right now, so it's probably better I give her some space. I'll have to figure something out eventually though."
"Any idea how Janet is planning to get those separation papers to you?" Holden asked. "She didn't really specify anything in the message, except mention rather bitterly that you should expect them soon."
"I don't know," Jack replied. "Maybe Teri will bring them to me…or Janet might mail them herself. We obviously know she won't be bringing them to me herself. She's made it clear that she never wants to see my face again. It's probably a good thing. I'm more than ready to move on."
"Is that why I found all your new stuff in the guest room rather than the room you used to share with Janet?" Holden asked.
Jack simply nodded.
"Ahh…" Holden said, needing no further explanation. "So this is a cleansing of sorts?" he teased.
"I guess you could say that," Jack replied. "Hopefully to happier new beginnings."
"Amen. Let's drink to that," Holden proposed.
"Uh, actually, I'm going to take off," Jack informed him.
"What? Why?" Holden asked in confusion.
Jack looked at his cousin as if he was being ridiculous.
"I thought you said that Molly was on her way to meet you here," he said.
"She is," Holden confirmed. "But that doesn't mean you have to go."
"Come on, Holden," Jack said with a sigh. "Three is a crowd. You don't need me hanging around while you try to spend some time with your girlfriend."
Holden rolled his eyes. Stubbornness was an inevitable Snyder man trait that both he and Jack had inherited. He decided to try a different approach.
"Tell you what. Why don't you at least stick around until Molly gets here? Then I'll personally shove you out the door."
Jack chuckled.
"Alright," he relented. "So, you must be excited about picking Faith up from boarding school this weekend."
"Yeah. It'll be good to have her home again," Holden said with a smile.
"Is Lily still going with you?" Jack asked.
"Mm-hmm. And we thought it would be nice to take Ethan and Natalie with us to see their big sister. Make it a family trip," Holden replied, before realizing how the statement could be misconstrued. "Err…you know what I mean…" he added.
Jack simply nodded.
"Is Molly okay with this?" he asked.
"Well, she wasn't at first," Holden informed him. "But then we talked about it this weekend and I reassured her that there was nothing for her to be worried about. It took a bit of convincing, but I think she understands. I'm actually more worried about how the kids might interpret all this. I don't want them getting the wrong idea and thinking that this will lead to Lily and me getting together and start hoping that…"
Holden trailed off when he noticed that Jack was no longer paying attention to their conversation. Instead, his cousin's entire focus had shifted to the bar's front entrance, where two women – a blonde and a brunette – had just walked in.
Carly stopped abruptly when she glanced towards the bar and locked eyes with the one man who had been on her mind all day…actually more like every day, every hour, and nearly every waking minute…not that she had any intention of admitting it either to herself or anyone else.
Yo's was in full swing: a bouncy country song was playing loudly in the background, nearly every seat was occupied by men and women engaged in audible chattering, a group of boisterous men were shooting pool in one corner in what looked and sounded like a highly competitive game, a few people were dancing in the open area next to the counter, and some weaving their way through the tables, and of course there was the continuous clanking and clattering of an assortment of alcoholic glasses.
Molly alternately glanced from Carly to Jack several times and couldn't help but smile adoringly in reaction. It was amazing to her that even in the midst of such a high frequency of white noise, neither one seemed at all distracted by their surroundings. They only seemed to have eyes for each other. Over the years, she'd seen them stare longingly at each other this way almost a few dozen times, but it never got old. Not when it involved two people she loved and cared about and believed undoubtedly belonged together.
"You little sneak!" Carly hissed at Molly, her eyes still fixed on Jack. "You planned this with Holden, didn't you?"
Molly grinned impishly, pleased with the outcome as she waved in the direction of the bar.
"You're welcome, Cuz," she said, as she grabbed hold of Carly's arm and started leading her through the crowd toward Holden and Jack.
Carly followed her cousin, somewhat astonished and more than a little surprised at the prospect of seeing Jack again, twice in one day. And although she wasn't smiling on the outside, her heart contradicted everything that her face was working so hard to disguise for the rest of the world to see.
"Hi guys," Molly greeted cheerfully and reached out to exchange a kiss with Holden. "Hello Detective Snyder," she said to Jack as she wound her arms around Holden waist.
"Hi Mol," Jack replied with a smile. He then quickly redirected his attention to Carly. "Hi," he said, his smile broadening considerably and an unmistakable glint flashing in his eyes.
Carly could feel her willpower cracking internally.
"Hi," she said, revealing a bright smile of her own.
That single smile only multiplied Jack's happiness at seeing her beautiful face again.
Holden had intently watched the entire exchange.
"Hey Mol," he said in a tone slightly different from his usual one. "Jack was just going to take off. Do you think you could convince him to stay?" he requested, looking at Molly hintingly.
Molly seamlessly took her cue.
"Oh, come on Jack. Stay." she pleaded almost theatrically. "Pretty please?" she added with a playful grin.
Then it dawned on Jack. The secretive phone calls and text messages between boyfriend and girlfriend suddenly made sense. This whole run-in with Carly had been a prearranged set-up by the entangled twosome. Surely this was Molly's brainchild with some assistance from Holden, he figured. Mentally structured the way he was, Jack was hardly a fan of misleading circumstances, yet, all he really felt in that moment was gratitude to Holden and Molly. How else could he possibly feel when their efforts had led to the woman he loved physically standing next to him?
"Of course I'll stay," Jack said, and although the response was directed at three different people, the fact that he had chosen to stare only at one face with long blonde hair and deep blue eyes said a lot about his reasons for doing so.
"Yay!" Molly said merrily in response, accompanied by a series of soft claps. She turned to look in the direction of the seating area. "Wow, not a single free table," she observed.
"Here," Holden said getting up. "You ladies can have our seats. Right Jack?" he asked looking over at his cousin.
Jack tore his eyes away from their fixed spot.
"Yeah. Yeah, of course," he replied, getting up and offering it to Carly as Holden did the same to Molly.
Both women thanked each respective Snyder man just as the bartender surfaced.
"Can I get you lovely ladies, anything?" he asked.
"I'll have a Cape Cod with a twist of lime," Molly informed him.
Carly looked at Jack before placing her order. She needed him to know that she was capable of hanging out in a bar without giving into the temptation or craving for an alcoholic beverage.
"Hi Joe, a club soda for me, please," she said with a smile.
"You got it," Joe replied with a wink before walking away.
"So, what have you boys been up to?" Molly asked, looking from Holden to Jack.
"Oh, guy talk mostly," Holden said with an added grin.
Carly gauged from Holden's facial expression that the response was an indirect reference to his and Molly's romantic weekend getaway. She did, however, wonder what Jack's contribution to this time of 'guy talk' had consisted of. Did it consist of her and only her? Was there any sympathetic mention of Janet? After all, despite the latter's contemptuous rampage on his personal belongings, Jack had revealed to her the other night that he wasn't really angry at Janet. Since then, had he started to regret the end of his marriage? Did he want her back? Was he aware that if he wanted her back that he had very little time before she left town to convince her to stay?
'Shut up, Carly' she mentally chided herself. 'You're being an idiot.'
Fortunately, the insanely cold weather became the next topic of conversation and remained that way until the arrival of the drinks.
"Mmm…you know," Molly said, setting down her cocktail after a quick sip. "This takes me back nearly two decades to a hot summer night in a bar in Montana, honky-tonk music similar to this one playing in the background, the four of us line dancing…" Molly outlined slowly, her eyes sparkling as she recreated the memory. She turned to look at Carly. "Your hair was really short back then, Cuz," she commented, and Carly knew that the mention of that detail was deliberate when Molly immediately turned to assess Jack's reaction. She grinned triumphantly when she noticed that she had achieved her goal.
Jack focused every fiber of his attention on Carly as he recalled that hot summer night in Montana.
"We danced to some cheesy song," Molly continued with a laugh.
"'Boot-Scootin' Boogie,'" Jack uttered without removing his eyes from Carly.
Carly, who had forcefully averted her gaze to stare at a boring old broadway poster hanging on a nearby wall couldn't help but meet his eyes.
"You remember?" she breathed in wonderment.
"I remember a lot of things," he said, the distinct huskiness in his voice suggesting that he was referring to things far deeper than just some 'cheesy song.' More importantly, it was clear from the intensity in his eyes that he was referring specifically to poignant moments involving them and only them.
Carly immediately thought back to two weeks ago when he had told her that he loved her out at the old boathouse site. He had surprised her to the same effect that day when he had specifically recalled the pink dress she had been wearing nearly two decades ago when she had similarly professed her love to him. Carly found Jack's ability to pinpoint little details like this from their golden days extremely endearing. It reaffirmed to her that those days had meant something to him, regardless of where they were now. Still, she knew that she couldn't be taken into sentimentality. She needed to stay strong.
"Um, I need to go use the restroom," she said, setting down her tumbler and excusing herself as quickly as possible.
Jack watched her along with Molly and Holden as she walked away hurriedly. Clearly, his recollection and the words that he had uttered following the mention of that memory had affected her. That alone meant something to him.
Once Carly was out of sight, Molly immediately turned to face Jack.
"Hey Jack, you know I love you, but why do you have such an awful taste in women?" Molly asked suddenly. She paused. "My cousin being the one exception, of course," she emphasized very matter-of-factly.
Holden looked at his girlfriend with his jaw wide open. Jack, on the other hand, was taken aback by the brazen question, but didn't find it quite so unexpected.
"Wow Mol, I honestly don't know how to respond to that," he said sincerely. "I guess because I'm a hapless moron sometimes?" he offered half serious, half joking, before clearing his throat. "Any reason you're asking me this now?"
"As a matter of fact, yes," Molly responded. "Julia number one was a psycho, Julia number two (from what I heard) was a desperate hussy, Katie…well, Katie seems to have grown up lately so I'll leave it at that. But Janet…she's kind of a mixture of psycho, desperate hussy, and immature Katie…plus a few dozen rotting lasagnas worth of nastiness." Upon noticing that Holden and Jack still looked a little lost as to where she was going with her diatribe, she stopped short and decided to get to the point. "Carly and I ran into your not-so-better half at Old Town on our way here," she finished.
Jack's eyes widened with surprise. Following their official breakup at the farm the other day, Jack knew that Janet held Carly significantly responsible for the crumbling of their marriage. The fact that she had actually come face to face with Carly alarmed him.
"And…what happened?" he asked quickly but cautiously.
Molly snickered as she prepared herself to tell the tale.
"Well, she got all huffy with Carly and me and slapped your separation papers at Carly and ordered her to deliver them to you."
"And then she walked away, right?" Jack asked hopefully.
"Yeah," Molly said with a nod and Jack immediately exhaled in relief. "Except," she continued, "then Carly went after her."
"Damn it!" Jack exclaimed worriedly. He'd obviously breathed a sigh of relief prematurely. "And?" he pressed.
"And…" Molly went on, her eyes sparkling mischievously. Jack ascertained from her expression that she was up to something. "A catfight ensued. Well, more like a one-sided catfight. First Carly pounced on Janet from behind and knocked her to the ground. Then she bitch-slapped her over and over again until she was exhausted. Then she bit her on the nose and decided it had too much Italian seasoning. So then she went for her hair and started ripping it out, only to realize that it was fake. By the way, did you know that Janet wears a wig?" She asked, not stopping for an answer. "And then…" She paused for dramatic effect as she led up to the climax. "She went for the jugular."
Jack shook his head and chuckled despite growing a little impatient. Holden, on the other hand, was roaring with laughter at his girlfriend's creative adaptation of the confrontation between Janet and Carly.
"Rowrrr," Molly purred as she contorted her hand into the shape of a paw and swiped it into the air in front of Jack.
"Mol, please," Jack urged. "What happened?"
Molly sighed and started to grow serious.
"Alright," she said. "By now I'm guessing you know that Janet is planning to move out of town?"
Jack nodded and Holden noticed his cousin shudder, no doubt haunted by the shrilly recorded voicemail from which he had gathered that piece of information. Molly began to recount what had actually happened in Old Town between the three women.
"Well, Janet made sure that Carly and I knew that she was done with this town and packing up and getting the hell outta here. I don't know how much you're aware of this, but for nearly two years now Carly has had to listen to this woman insult her, and belittle her, and treat her like she's nothing. So Carly finally decided it was time she stood up for herself. She knew that it was now or never…and it's been a long time coming. Jack, she was incredible! Not only did she stand up for herself, but she stood up for you too."
"Stood up for me? How?" Jack inquired even as the guilt at what his wife had done began creeping into him.
"I told Carly what that woman did to all your stuff, and she was livid about it. So in the midst of standing up for herself, she stood up for you too. Not only because of what Janet did to all your stuff, but also for being such a promiscuous, hypocritical tramp."
"Is Carly doing okay?" Jack asked. He had heard Molly's degradation of Janet, but didn't care enough to address it. "I mean, she seemed fine when she came in, but you know Carly…"
"She's fine," Molly assured him with a smile. "If anything, she feels great that she finally let that floozy have it. And you know what? I'm so proud of her. Janet deserved everything she got and then some. Serves her right for being foolish enough to marry a man whose heart will always belong to someone else. Jack and Carly forever," she concluded with a grin.
Jack couldn't disagree. He marveled at how fervently Molly wanted him and Carly to reunite and appreciated every bit of her support and encouragement to both of them.
"You really are our cheerleader, aren't you?" he asked with a good-natured laugh.
"Hey, I may be rooting for the two of you to get together, but I'll always be a Carly-Carjacker first," she said resolutely.
"A what?" A bewildered Jack and Holden asked in unison.
Molly re-explained her definition of a "Carjacker" to both Snyder men as she had done to Carly a little while ago.
"So, a Carly-Carjacker is someone who wants the two of you to get together, but is really in Carly's corner in the grand scheme of things," she further added. "Again, I love you, but I'm sorry, in this case I'm in Carly's corner. But don't worry," she piped up quickly. "Holden here is in your corner."
Holden snickered and quickly held out his hand.
"Hey, hold on there," he said. "Holden didn't say that. If anything, Holden is a Carly-Carjacker too," he added, looking at his cousin regrettably.
Jack gave Holden a mock glare for his betrayal.
"No offense, Jack," Holden added. "'Blood may be thicker than water, but um, well, you know…" he fumbled awkwardly.
"I understand," Jack said with a chuckle. "I'm kind of a Carly-Carjacker too. I just wish she'd see that. Which reminds me…nice work arranging this chance meeting between the two of us, you guys," he added knowingly.
Holden immediately started pointing to Molly and confirmed what Jack had already accurately deduced.
"Hey, I'm not condoning your actions, but I'm still glad with the way it worked out," Jack remarked, intentionally contradicting himself.
"Well, you've certainly been drinking in the sight of Carly more enjoyably than you have your two rounds of beer," Holden teased.
Jack playfully smacked his cousin on the arm as the three of them laughed. Then, as if on cue, courtesy of some sort of karmic reprisal that seemed to particularly plague the residents of Oakdale, a moment of lightheartedness suddenly morphed into one filled with tension.
Both Molly and Jack noticed as Holden grew very somber and observed the two people who had just walked into the bar. Lily stood by the door accompanied by a strange man whom Jack had never seen before. He guessed that he was new in town. He was a lean, well-groomed man in an expensive suit with neatly combed dark brown hair of around five-foot ten in terms of height and looked to be in his late thirties or so. It was apparent just by initial appearances that he was a man of refinement. Lily stopped short when she noticed three familiar faces watching her and gave them all a small collective smile and wave, even as her eyes almost automatically found Holden's. She quickly mentioned something to the man standing beside her and he nodded. They walked over to a newly cleared table directly in the line of view of the curious threesome and sat down.
"Do you guys know who that is?" Molly asked Holden and Jack.
Both of them shook their heads.
"Nope, no idea," Jack said as Holden remained silent. "He seems to be new in town."
"He's certainly handsome," Molly observed immediately. Next to her, Jack noticed Holden stiffen, although he couldn't quite decipher if it was due to the fact that his ex-wife had just walked into Yo's with another man or because his girlfriend had made an approving remark about said man.
"Hey, what are you guys looking at?" Carly inquired curiously as she walked over to rejoin the group. Jack, Molly, and Holden had been so engrossed in Lily and her friend that they hadn't noticed Carly make her way back to them. Carly's eyes immediately followed theirs and fell on what had them so captivated. Lily noticed Carly and gave her a friendly smile and wave, prompting her gentleman friend to also look over in the same direction and he joined her and began to do the same. Carly smiled and waved back, even as a sense of confusion and anxiety swept over her at the attention Lily and Alex were drawing.
"Do you know who that is?" Jack asked her immediately.
Carly nodded.
"That's Alex Benson. He's new to Oakdale."
"How do you know him?" Jack asked, almost as immediately as the previous question.
"Um, Neal introduced us," she said. "They're business partners. He's here to help with the neurology wing at Oakdale Memorial," she finished, not revealing any more than that.
Molly noticed the similarity in reaction between Jack and Holden. Within the span of a minute, they had both grown motionless at the sight or mention of another man in relation to their exes and taken immediate notice. Jack's reaction, she understood. Holden's however, was perplexing.
Now it was Holden's turn to interrogate.
"How does he know Lily?" he asked Carly right away.
"Lily also happened to be there when I first met Alex, so Neal introduced both of us to him at the same time."
"When was that?" Holden asked instantly.
"About a week ago," Carly said, starting to feel fatigued by all the questions.
"Where did you all meet?" Holden pressed on.
Carly had had enough.
"Look Holden, if you want to find out more about Alex, you should talk to Lily," she said as plainly and as diplomatically as possible.
"I'm sorry, you're right," Holden accepted, even as his eyes continued to linger in the same place.
"Hey, what do you guys say we finish this round of drinks and then head over to the Lakeview for dinner?" Molly suggested as she watched Holden in agitation.
Carly's initial thought had been to decline, but upon seeing the imploring look on her cousin's face, she relented. In any case, Sage was staying over at the Lebos' and Parker was hanging out with some friends all evening.
"Okay," she agreed.
"Sounds good," Jack replied soon after, looking at Carly.
"Great," Molly said with a shaky smile as she turned to look at Holden for his response.
Holden, however, still seemed distracted by the interaction between Lily and Alex.
"Holden?" Molly asked; her tone laced with irritation.
"Hmm?" he acknowledged, still not tearing his eyes away.
"You're coming along, right?"
"Oh, yeah. Yeah," he told her.
Carly could see that Molly was just about ready to reach her wit's end, so she was hardly surprised when Molly finally reacted.
"Stop it, Holden," she said icily.
"Stop what?" Holden asked in confusion as he turned sideways to look at his girlfriend.
"Ever since Lily and her friend walked in here, you've done nothing but stare at them," she said indignantly. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous."
Holden frowned at the accusation.
"I'm not jealous," he replied defensively. "Look, Molly, Lily is the mother of my children. Any man she becomes involved with also becomes involved with my kids. I can't just let that be some stranger that no in town likely knows anything about…especially after everything that happened with Damien."
Molly remained unconvinced.
"First of all: how do you even know that they are involved if this guy just moved into town a week ago? Secondly: if you're so worried about the kids, maybe you should have Jack run a background check on him. But something tells me that this guy could have a squeaky clean record and you'd still find something to disapprove about him."
With that, Molly stood up and turned to face Carly and Jack.
"I'm sorry you guys. Do you mind if I pass on our dinner plans? I've suddenly lost my appetite," she said through her frustration.
"Of course, Honey," Carly said as the two cousins exchanged hugs.
"No worries, Mol," Jack added and gave her a quick hug.
"I'll see you guys later," Molly said, glaring at Holden before she headed for the exit.
Holden simply stood there looking dumbfounded.
"What the hell are you waiting for? Go after her, man," Jack advised him. "I'll take care of this," he said, motioning toward the drinks.
Only then did Holden grow wakeful and he gave his cousin a grateful pat before following after Molly. However, not before casting one final glance in Lily and Alex's direction.
Jack and Carly stood there quietly for a few seconds.
"Well, I guess that nixes our dinner plans," Jack remarked.
"Yeah," Carly responded. "Probably a good thing anyway. I have a couple of chicken breasts defrosting on the kitchen counter and I was really looking forward to making Chicken Parmesan."
"I love your Chicken Parmesan," he complimented her with a warm smile.
He fished out his wallet and paid the tab.
"Thanks," Carly said for what Jack perceived both things: the compliment and the tab.
"My pleasure," Jack replied, warm smile still in place. "Where are you parked?"
"Oh," Carly began as she backtracked to several hours ago. "My car is in the WOAK parking lot. I met Molly there and we walked to Old Town."
"Let me give you a ride," Jack offered straightaway.
"No, Jack, that's not necessary…" Carly started to say, but the look on his face told her that she wasn't winning this one. "Alright," she conceded.
Carly waved goodbye to Lily and Alex, making a mental note that she needed to find out what was brewing between those two from Lily later on.
Jack held the passenger's side door of his SUV open for Carly and closed it after her. He came around and settled into the driver's seat before turning on the ignition. Neither quite knew what to say after everything that had just transpired between both their cousins. Jack finally spoke up, bringing up Sage's upcoming dance recital. That seemed to do the trick. Having a conversation about the kids always seemed to ease the tension between them and made them at least temporarily forget whatever their current situation was. Before they knew it, Jack had pulled up next to Carly's silver sedan.
"Thanks for the ride, Jack," Carly said appreciatively. "I'll talk to you later," she added as she reached for the door handle.
"Carly," Jack spoke up before she could open the car door and waited for her to turn to face him. "Thanks for standing up for me…you know, with Janet…"
"Molly told you, huh?" she guessed with a small smile.
"Yeah," Jack confirmed. "You must've really let Janet have it because Molly emphasized how proud she was of you."
"About that, Jack…" Carly started, feeling the need to explain. This woman was still his wife after all.
Jack effectively cut her off.
"Carly, I understand why you did it," he said, as he was filled by an equal amount of shame and guilt. "All those times I talked badly about you to her, all those times I let her put you down and stood there and did nothing, all those times I even joined her and we both doubled up against you…all any of that ever did was encourage her and fuel the fire. But I want you to know that I get it. I finally get it. If anything, I should be begging your forgiveness."
"Jack, that's not necess…" Carly began.
"Yes it is," he replied, cutting her off a second time. He sighed deeply. "Carly, I'm sorry. It's my fault that you went through most of it. I was a coward for letting it go on for as long as I did. And I really hope you'll forgive me."
Carly gently placed a hand over Jack's and leaned forward to look into his eyes.
"Trust me, Jack. None of that affects me anymore," she assured him. "But if my forgiveness is what you want, then you have it."
They stared at each other for a few moments before simultaneously glancing down and noticing their overlapping hands. Carly hurriedly pulled hers away
"I should go," she said softly, affected by their close proximity. She knew that she had to get out before things escalated emotionally…or physically.
The passenger's side door shut before Jack could say anything, so he quickly slid out of his seat and intercepted her and they came face to face behind each other's cars.
"So, we're going to pretend like this morning never happened?" Jack initiated.
It took Carly a few seconds to process his question.
"We already talked about this morning," she said, adjusting her scarf more securely. "I thought I was pretty clear."
"Hmm…not really," Jack said shaking his head. "Because your mouth was saying one thing but your body was doing another." He paused. "But what I really want to know though is what your heart is saying. Right here. Right now."
Carly didn't speak immediately. She wrestled with how to best answer the question. She knew none of her responses would be very different from what she had already given him. Yet, now that he was asking her again, she had no choice but to repeat herself.
"It's saying 'you can't go there again, Carly.'"
Jack took in her answer and grimly nodded.
"Because you don't trust me when it comes to us?" he asked somberly, reflecting on her earlier words.
Carly could tell by the sadness in his eyes that that statement in particular had hurt him. But she wasn't going to lie or sugarcoat her answers. Not anymore.
"Yes," she admitted quietly.
"Even though I'm telling you again, right now, that I love you, and that I want you, and that there's no other woman in this world for me but you?"
"Yes," she replied, in that same quiet tone.
"Why?" he asked, despite already knowing and already having heard it all. He was on a mission and he wasn't about to forfeit so easily.
Carly paused before giving her reason.
"History," she summarized in a single word.
Jack recalled his conversation with Holden on the very subject only hours earlier.
"'History?'" Jack repeated. "History tells us that no matter how hard we try to fight this connection that we have, and try to move on, we always find our way back to each other."
"You make it sound so simple," Carly remarked.
"Because it is," Jack reasoned. "You used to think so too."
"And how has that helped me? It hasn't gotten me anything. It's been nearly four years since we've been together, Jack, and nothing's changed between us."
"I know," he agreed. "But this time you don't have to be the one convincing me that we belong together. This time, I'm asking you to give us a chance. This time, I'm holding on to our history."
Carly crossed her arms as she looked down at the ground in thought and nodded her head. When she looked back up at him, however, Jack noticed a distinct steeliness in her eyes. A look he recognized all too well. And unknown to her, exactly the look he wanted to see.
"I see. So we should let history repeat itself then?" she asked rhetorically as her voice gradually started to rise. "I should convince myself that even if we lose our way again, no worries, because in time – whether it's within a matter of months or years – after all the anger and the pain and the resentment fades away, we'll find our way back to each other again," she continued, treading into sarcasm. "So, even if I do something very Carly-like and disappoint you and you leave me, the kids and I shouldn't worry, because eventually, you'll come home to us. We won't know how long that'll take, but hey, who cares when it's a guaranteed fact? Eventually my G-man will make his way back to me."
Jack savored her tenacity despite her stinging words. He had already braced himself to expect them.
"I'm not going to walk away from you again, Carly," he said calmly. "I know what it's like to lose you, and I'm never going to let it happen again."
"I've heard it all before. I've believed it all before," Carly replied sadly, even as the intensity in her eyes remained unchanged. "That's why I won't allow myself to go through that ever again. Letting you go is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, Jack…not only when you married Katie, but again when you married Janet. I didn't just lose you once, I lost you twice. Before you married Janet I still believed in us. You gave me hope. You made me believe that you still loved me and that you wanted to give what we had another chance. But that's not how it worked out is it? Because here we are: standing in the freezing cold, under the night sky, in an empty parking lot, arguing about a relationship that's been dead for almost four years."
"Okay, I admit that marrying Katie and Janet were mistakes. I already told you that. I used them to convince myself that I was over you. That I could move on from you with someone else and maybe even have what we had. They were for all the wrong reasons. I know that. You know that. And even Katie and Janet know that. But when it comes to you, it's different. You're not a Katie or a Janet or a Julia to me. Carly, you're the love of my life."
Carly's gaze was unyielding.
"What about all the times you rejected me?"
That single abridged question wounded Jack more than anything else that either of them had asked or said to each other since that day at the boathouse site.
"I was a fool," he said plainly and honestly. "It's as simple as that. But if you want me to elaborate, I will."
"So, you think that now if you suddenly say things like, 'you know what, Carly, all those times I rejected you either after you told you me you loved me or after we had sex, I didn't really mean it. Yeah, I know I married Katie and Janet, but I didn't really mean a lot of the things I said to them or you when I was with them. You know all those vows and promises I made to both of them? They were all lies.'" She paused. "Well, did you ever stop and think that you took those same vows to me, Jack? What about when you promised me that we'd always be together? That must've been a lie too, then right? Because look at us now. How is that any different from what you promised to Katie and Janet?"
Jack remained frozen in place the entire time. He spoke up quietly.
"If we're going to talk about Katie and Janet, then we should talk also talk about Simon and Holden and Craig."
To Carly, that response had been completely unexpected. Up until now, he had mostly been passive and contrite, but Carly knew him well enough to know that something inside him had finally been awoken and it wasn't about to just go away.
"How is my getting involved with Katie any different from you getting together with Simon? I came to you and wanted to get back together, Carly. Do you remember that? You're the one who turned me down."
"Oh, so after months of begging and pleading with you not to give up on our marriage, after you walked out, I was suddenly supposed to turn around and forget that we were divorced and take you back? I was so broken when you left, Jack. I felt like I was nothing. And Simon came along and changed all that. He made me feel worth it again after you, the man that I loved, had rejected me in every possible way."
"You told me this morning that you didn't love him," Jack remarked amidst the guilt.
"I didn't," Carly said instantaneously. "At the time, I know I said that I did. I even thought that I did. But then I finally realized that all I had done was convince myself that I loved him."
"But you chose him. Not only did you choose him, but you committed theft with him. Then you left with that criminal and walked away from our kids. You say I left you, but you left me too, Carly."
"I won't excuse what I did to the kids, but you and I weren't together when I left with Simon."
"And you and I weren't together when I got together with Katie. Yet, you repeatedly tried to break us up. So, in that scenario, was I suddenly supposed to turn around and forget that you had chosen another man over me and take you back? I told you that I never loved Katie too. I know that when I was with her, I told you that I did, I even told her that did, but I was always scared because even then always doubted it. I figured if I said it out loud as many times as I could, that maybe it would feel real. I needed to for self-preservation. I was still so mad at you and so hurt by you that I knew that I had to convince myself that Katie was my future. I knew that if I didn't tell myself that, and do something about it, I'd have to face how much I still loved you. But I still wasn't ready to forgive you. I wanted to hurt you the way you had hurt me. Then we found out about the brain tumor and all that mattered to me then was getting you better again. At that point, I had thrown away all the anger and all the resentment. The only thing on my mind was fear. The fear of losing you. The fear of never seeing you again. That's why I was always by your side. It wasn't out of obligation or guilt. It was because I wanted to spend every moment I possibly could with you. Even my marriage to Katie became secondary. Remember when you asked me to kiss you? I went home that day and told Katie that I still had feelings for you. It was the first time that I had admitted it out loud, and at that point, it was already the beginning of the our marriage. Then I found out about that you had been keeping your misdiagnosis from me…and all the anger and all that resentment came rushing back. Want to know why I worked so hard to get Katie back other than out of sheer guilt? Because I wanted to hurt you again. I wanted to punish you in the worst way possible. And Katie figured that out eventually. That's why she moved on to my brother."
"Come on, Jack. You can't make me believe that our roll in the hay the night of Brad and Katie's engagement party had nothing to do with her."
"Oh, it had a lot to do with her. But it's not for the reasons that you think, or the reasons that it looked like. Everything that I did that night was motivated by guilt. I was still upset that I had hurt her. There was this restlessness inside me that I still hadn't made it up to her. After all, I'm the good guy, remember? So I came home drunk that night and wanted to forget. And I know this makes me sound like the biggest jerk on the planet, but I needed a distraction…and you were there…"
The sadness on Carly's face said it all. Her eyes were moist and her throat felt dry, but still, she managed to speak.
"It was an amazing night for me, and I thought it was an amazing night for you. Only, then, you dismissed it as nothing but 'sex.' And you know what, Jack? I've never been more hurt in my entire life. Do you know what it's like when the love of your life, the person you have shared a sacred connection with, the one you've made love with so many times over the years, suddenly rejects you and makes you feel like what you had was a cheap one-night stand?"
Jack was finding it hard to repress the anguish and regret he felt in his heart.
"I can't even tell you how sorry I am, Carly," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "Actually, 'sorry' doesn't feel even nearly adequate enough. And I know you may not believe this, but even in that moment I loved you. Nothing I said and nothing I did would leave you to believe me when I say it, but it's true. I just wasn't ready to face it. To face how after all the ways I had felt hurt by you that I still loved you."
Carly nodded. She bit her lip in an attempt to stop the tears.
"And then Janet came along…"
"Yeah," he confirmed. "And then she became my new distraction from you. It was the same thing as Katie. We were starting to get along better, remember? And then I found out about the affair with Holden and it was like a dagger through my heart."
"Right, and you believed that it was my way of getting revenge on you for that one-night stand."
"Because I wanted to believe that somehow what happened with Holden was about me. I didn't want to believe that it was something real that you and Holden had discovered."
"Well, Holden and I convinced ourselves that it had nothing to do with you and Lily, but it did," Carly explained. "We both needed a distraction from you and Lily…and when we realized that we were both feeling lonely and rejected, we turned to each other. It wasn't about real feelings or some sort of magical discovery that had been bubbling under the surface for all those years, it was just about availability. Hardly what you would call a love story."
"It didn't make the pain any easier," Jack said.
"So when you told me you loved me a few months later in that hospital room, all that pain had suddenly disappeared?"
"No," he admitted. "For a while there I had been in denial and convinced myself that we weren't right for each other anymore. But when you came after me to save me from Stenbeck's trap, and stayed with me by my bedside, and took care of me the way you did, I couldn't help but be reminded of the past. You've always been there for me in a way that no else ever has, or ever can be, Carly. And I knew I needed you. So I was finally ready to face it. To hell with the anger, to hell with the pain, to hell with resentment and all that other crap. I was finally ready to admit what had been in my heart since the first time I ever said 'I love you' to you. Then when you turned me down, I didn't know what to think."
"I was afraid, Jack," Carly reminded him.
"I know," he said. "I knew even then."
"Then why didn't you fight for us? Why did you give up so easily?"
"Because I was afraid too. Afraid that we would crash and burn. Afraid that you would break my heart all over again."
"So you chose Janet. I came looking for you at that hotel room in the Lakeview to plead my case on the day you were going to officially propose to her; to admit that I had been an idiot for turning you down, wanting you to change your decision before it was too late, but you picked her, Jack. You said you wanted her because you wanted peace and because living with me was hell. At least this time you said that you still loved me, but the rejection didn't make that any easier."
"I know," he accepted.
"And it still wasn't too late for you to call off the engagement. You saw what it was doing to me. You saw what I was going through. Hell, I got drunk the night of your bachelor party and threw up in your car. I came back home that night and collapsed on my knees in a mess. In fact, you came back in and found me on the floor reduced to tears and carried me upstairs. Yet you went through with it. You stood there taking your vows to Janet and even looked over at me more than once, and you still went through with it. Then you came over to me and told me how you'll always love me and how we'll always be connected in our souls before you leave on your honeymoon with her? How is that fair?"
"And then you got involved with Montgomery just to hurt me. You knew it would drive me jealous."
"No, I turned to Craig out of loneliness, not in some effort to make you jealous. What business did you have being jealous anyway? You were a married man. You shouldn't have cared what your ex-wife was doing or who she was doing it with."
"Hmm. Interesting. Because when I was married to Katie, not only did you care what I was doing, but you were actually doing things to sabotage that marriage."
Carly was caught off guard by that accusation. She knew that he had cornered her into a place difficult place.
"Do you see what I'm saying, Carly? Jack asked. "We've both made mistakes…plenty of them being the same ones. That's what I've been trying to get you to realize all this time."
Carly looked at him incredulously as it all started to make sense.
"So, are you saying that there was a method to this madness?" she asked, gesturing between them.
"Yes," Jack admitted. "I purposely engineered this whole fight. I gathered from this morning that there were a lot of unresolved emotions between us that we've never cleared up over the years. I knew that if I wanted us to move forward, I had to dig up all those feelings and make us address them no matter how ugly things get."
"And you got all the answers you were searching for?" she asked warily.
"More than I needed," Jack informed her. "I just had to let us be us…which meant fighting it out. We needed to address all the issues that have been toxicly swimming around us
"So let me get this straight," Carly began thoughtfully. "You thought your best course of action to get all the answers you were looking for was by infuriating me?"
"Yes," Jack said. "I know you. I know that sometimes you keep things bottled in. But once you're provoked and accusations are flung your way, you become passionate, and that's when every single thing that you're feeling comes pouring out of you."
"And now that we've let each other have it, we can forget all the bad stuff and get back together?" she asked dryly.
"I'm not saying that Carly. I know that it'll take time for us to heal. I know that we're not just going to trust each other overnight again. But I'm willing to take that chance. I know in my heart that this is what I want, and no matter how hard you've been fighting it, you want it too."
Jack almost felt like he was staring at a mannequin. An extremely beautiful mannequin, he thought. Carly remained motionless. His words hadn't gone unheard, but she needed to draw into her inner strength before she could speak again.
"We can't always have what we want," she began, an odd calmness in her voice. "You know, if you had said these things to me a few months ago, I would've been in your arms in a heartbeat. Hell, I would've been in your arms kissing you senseless and thanking God a million times for bringing you back to me since the day as soon as you admitted your feelings at the old boathouse site. Even after years of urging you, and pleading with you, and begging you to give us another chance, the Carly from a few months ago would've been beyond ecstatic that you'd finally had your epiphany." She paused as her voice grew fiercer. "But not this Carly. This Carly is strong enough to realize that she doesn't need a man to lean on to stand on her own two feet. You're the love of my life, Jack. I think you always will be. But never again will I be a fool for any man. Never again will I let any man reject me. Never again will I allow any man to have that kind of power over me. Never again!"
Carly was finished. She stood there in silence, the night lights reflecting into her shining, tear-filled eyes. Her breathing had become erratic, overcome with passion and emotion, and she tried to steady herself as she exhaled deeply. Her gaze had not faltered from his for a single second, those profound blue eyes smoldering intensely as she had unbridled every raw emotion that she had kept locked away over the years. Jack's dark brown eyes bore into her heart as he immersed himself into grasping every single passionate word that she had just unleashed between them. There were a mixture of emotions stirring inside him and they began coursing into his veins. Part of him was shaken and rocked to the core as he reeled from the power of her veracity. The other part of him couldn't help but be awestruck and mesmerized by the way in which she had stood up for herself. Carly could see that her words had affected him deeply.
"I still care about you," she said softly as she wiped away the tears rolling down her cheeks. "I will always, always care about you. But I can't be with you. I can't do it again."
"So what next? We're both going to stay single for the rest of our lives? Or I'm going to stay alone, pining for you, and you're going to move on and try to fall in love with someone else? Where does it go from here?"
"I don't know," she said.
"Well, I'll tell you one thing, Carly. You can try and try and try to love another man all you want, but what we had, what we still have, it'll keep you from ever fully giving yourself to him. I won't pressure you about us anymore. Everything I needed to know, I found out tonight. And everything I needed to say, I've said tonight. Just know that I'm not giving up. Never again," he added at the end, poignantly giving her use of those two words from earlier in their conversation an entirely different meaning.
Carly knew that their conversation had reached its end. It was time for her to walk away from him, from them, and never look back.
"I should go," she said, turning around quickly and walking to her car. She quickly got in and pulled out without looking in his direction. Still, she couldn't help but glance into her rearview mirror and take in his silhouette before she turned the corner and he disappeared from sight.
Jack remained rooted in the same spot. Her words were still swirling in the air around him. His body suddenly became aware of the chilly winter breeze. The temperature hadn't changed very much since he and Carly had gotten out of their cars. But now, without the heat of those intense moments acting as his blanket, he had to find other means to fend off the elements. Jack walked over and unlocked his car. Once he got in he threw his head back against the headrest and tightly shut his eyes. He reaffirmed that it was now his turn. Tonight had told him that it wasn't going to be easy, but he wasn't going to let that deter him. Jack knew that he was ready for the challenge.
A few blocks away, Carly moved over one lane to the right and pulled over against the curb and turned off the engine. She rested her head against the steering wheel and finally broke down, letting the tears flow freely as she sobbed, releasing every conceivable ounce of her excruciating sorrow that she had kept so tightly bottled away. She finally needed to let go.