CAN WE START AGAIN

You've been good

Busier than ever

We small talk

Work and the weather

Your guard is up

And I know why

Back To December

Taylor Swift

KYLE

I've got to get out of here.

The urge to leave the house grew stronger with each passing minute, and I wanted nothing more than to give in to it. The boredom was torture. I'd played my video games, read my books, done my studies for sophomore year, even visited a couple relatives, but in this moment I was stumped. I guess it was just one of those days where you have absolutely nothing of interest to do.

I can't say the same for my brother, who was currently trying to be Phineas and Ferb with his buddies as they tried to the best of their ability to make the most out of their last free week before school. I honestly wish I had the same drive they did.

I struggled to pull myself out of my bed, where I'd been lounging, mindlessly tossing a basketball into the air and catching it. I needed to get out—pronto. A walk to the park seemed like a decent enough idea; some fresh air would certainly do me good.

Sluggishly, I pulled on my signature ushanka and a pair of converse. Making sure to grab my phone and announce my whereabouts to my mother, I make it out the door.

I find myself taking a deep, relieving breath of the summer atmosphere, feeling better already. I honestly hadn't spent too much time outdoors these past three months; hadn't had a reason to. I mean…I hadn't actually spent any of this time with my friends. Yes, of course I've spoken with some of them, but in truth, the most interaction I'd had was Kenny coming over to play Xbox every once in a while. I had to say, it's good to know that we're still on good terms after that disaster of a school year, though he's still pretty distant.

From what I know, Kenny's not only been heavily avoiding Bebe, but girls in general. In his case, this is a big deal. He's been doing all he can to not even come off as if he were flirting.

It's not just his game, either. It's his optimistic attitude as well. These days, Kenny can come off as pretty cynical sometimes. When he smiles, it's forced. When he laughs, it's dry. I mean, geez, I knew he was really into Bebe, but I didn't think he'd fallen for her that hard.

The only person the guy's willing to open up to is Craig, much to my surprise. I'd never really saw them being as close as they've grown to be this summer. Heck, I'd never thought of them capable of even speaking to each other. Not that they disliked one another before…ok, well, maybe a little, but it was just that they hardly ever interacted. So yeah, this new bond they've formed seems a little bizarre to me. But then again, in a world where Eric Cartman can legitimately have a girlfriend, I firmly believe that ANYTHING is possible.

Speaking of Cartman, he's been shocking me even more by being under the radar this summer. Seriously! Not once has he ridiculously thrown himself into a selfish scheme, especially any which could be used to unhinge me in any way. Calling it a miracle would be an understatement. Apparently, he and Red have been keeping themselves busy, growing more and more into their relationship.

Cartman. Eric. Cartman. Is in a real relationship. It just isn't conceivable. I know they were a thing throughout the year, but honestly, I thought it was a mean joke Heidi and the other girls put Red up to. I was actually waiting for her to drop the charade way before school ended. But she didn't. Cause she's being genuine in her feelings.

Maybe she is out of her mind…

I shook my head roughly, for thinking too deeply about this was too much to take on. I focus more my surroundings. The sky was blue and clear, though the afternoon wasn't too hot. Cool breezes swept by every other moment. Many people seemed to be taking advantage of it, either out in their yards or just walking as I am. The decrease in the usual amount of cars on the street was noticeable, so it was easier to infer that many citizens had thought of heading to their destinations on foot. This is a small town, so it wasn't impossible.

My first thought just before coming outside was to head to the Kristrophers' for a visit, but my memory of the last time I stopped by halted the option. It was last month, and Ike had already made some plans with his buddies. It was me, myself, and I who walked up the porch steps and rang the doorbell. No, the couple weren't at all disappointed in it just being me to show up, as if I weren't good enough to be around or anything. It was more like they were disappointed that I didn't have the usual gang at my heels. From what I was told, Kenny had come by a couple time to help maintain the garden. And even Cartman popped up to introduce them to Red. Stan came over just the day after school let out, but the visit was very brief, five minutes tops. Still, that made them the last people to have seen him before he dropped off the face of the earth.

Mr. Kristopher voiced his discomfort in the rifts between us all. Had even claimed the whole ordeal to be ridiculous.

"I know you've all got enough sense to see it, too! Honestly, you're way too young to let such fickle things bring you down. Let this break be the time where you kids mend things; you can't possibly hold on to this—whatever it is—for long before it starts to eat you up inside."

It was then he told me one of his old stories from back when he was still in service, and it wasn't like any of his other ones. It wasn't action-packed or heroic or laugh-out-loud comical. No, this was one of those stories he'd purposely kept from telling us, though we'd known they were there. The one where you're reminded that serving your country in the field wasn't all fun and games.

Jasper Hughes was the name of the man Mr. Kristopher enlisted with. Mr. Calloway was somebody he'd built a bond with while already a soldier, but Hughes? They'd been buddies for the long haul.

"The two of us, we thought nothing could faze our brotherhood. Except a misunderstanding. And a stray bullet."

Mrs. Kristopher stayed silent during the recollection of old memories, eyes downcast and absentmindedly petting Scooter. She'd clearly known Jasper.

There's no beating a around it, the story ends like this: the "misunderstanding" sets the two men into a feud. Things are said. Hurtful things. And unfortunately, it takes his friend getting a bullet through the lungs for Mr. Kristopher to realize how stupid it all was.

"I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that life is short. Everybody knows life is short. But all it takes is that split second," he snaps to emphasize this, "to make yours—or someone else's –a hell of a lot shorter. I don't mean to come off dramatic in telling you this, son, this isn't a lecture and I sure ain't preaching to you. That was just my own experience." He sighed. "Like I said, you boys are good group, and a strong one at that, take it from me. You need one another."

I'd left the home feeling as though I'd been enlightened with the old man's story, probably because of the vulnerability he displayed in sharing what he did with me, and I understood where he was coming from, I did. But I couldn't help but let the counterarguments in.

He'd said so himself, that was his own experience. I didn't see what was going on with myself and my friends as meaningless resentment more-so than just…simply growing apart. People grow apart. It happens, even to those who believe they will remain close and exact forever, like we used to when we were kids.

We're growing older, and things have changed. Take Butters for example. He used to be wimpy kid who followed us around like a puppy in search of companionship. And now? He's his own person, capable of sticking up for himself and making his own friends with no problem. He even has a girlfriend now! And much like we're all able to hang around him without the presence of pitiful obligation biting at our consciences, he doesn't trail behind us through blind admiration, either. He'll call Cartman out on his crap in a heartbeat.

It's not like I don't miss the guys, but there's no fighting the inevitable.

I don't go to the Kristophers'.

I find myself at the park, which isn't so bad. There are plenty of people here, soaking up the sun and taking in the sweet breezes. It truly is a beautiful day.

I slow my pace and wander around the outlier of the park, watching individuals go about their day in a relaxed mood.

A bunch of little kids gather to play another round of tag, their energy astounding. I find myself giving a sad smile at the sight. It's easy to miss those days. Back when the only thing to worry about was not letting whoever was "it" touch you. Back when you could make multiple mistakes, and not even know how lucky you were that none of them would stick.

It's a shame I feel so old at only fifteen.

A high pitched cry pierces the air—a baby's no doubt. I look to where it comes from, and see a girl around my age sitting on one of the benches as she's picking the infant up from the double stroller, cradling it in her arms and gently bouncing it.

It only takes another second for me to register said girl to be Nichole.

I probably look like a creep, just staring at her as she tries to calm the child in her arms, but I can't help it. I hadn't seen her at all this summer, and every time I thought back to our last face-to-face, I cringed. One of the things Mr. Kristopher's pearls of wisdom did help me realize was how stupid I'd acted towards her about Token. Who was I to be angry about getting friend-zoned? As sucky as it was, if she'd wanted to be with me, she would have been. Plain and simple.

This is going be so bad. I knew this. But I needed to go through with it anyway.

I force myself to move towards her, ignoring the warnings in my head to turn around and leave the park altogether. She doesn't notice me at first, the baby holding all her attention, and I take the moment to really look at her. She'd changed, appearance-wise, with her hair being in curls and reaching just below her chin. The newly cut bangs hung neatly over her forehead. She'd obviously gotten a little taller, too, barely reaching my height by a foot. And I couldn't help but admire how pretty she was in her baby blue sundress, which made me miss her and hate myself all the more.

I was still assessing her when she looked up at me, a look of surprise and then disdain crossing her features. By now the baby had lowered its wailing to soft whimpers.

"Something you need?" Nichole asked after a moment of awkward silence.

I suddenly found myself unable to speak. What could I say to her, really? The look on her face alone told me that I wasn't welcome around her, not anymore. But still, I had to at least try, right.

"Sorry, I just…um…i-is that your new sibling?"

Stupid, Broflovski, very stupid. Of course her mom had given birth by the time school let out, seeing that Mrs. Wilson was estimated to be due at that time, so seeing the newborn makes it an easy topic of discussion, but was that all I could manage to say. I was trying to do better, here.

Nichole was hesitant in answering me, finding the question to be kind of left-field, not that I blamed her. "Uh, yeah. Yes, this is my baby brother, Tyson." She looked into the second half of the double stroller, where I was now sure another baby laid. "And my baby sister, Taylor."

I nodded. "Ah. Twins. That's cool."

She shrugged. "They're a hand-full. But I love them."

I almost smiled, an image of Ike as a toddler running me ragged immediately crossing my thoughts. I couldn't even imagine there being two of him.

Nichole gave a sigh. "Seriously, Kyle, what do you want?"

There was no use beating around it, now. "I know how you must feel right now, and I want you to know that you've got every right to be mad."

Her gaze on me stayed hard.

"Nichole, I just…I'm sorry. Really. For all of it. I was—"

"An idiot. I'm aware."

"…yeah. Big time. And you didn't deserve the way I acted towards you and Token."

She didn't seem to accept my apology, but asked, "Can you at least explain to me what you were thinking?"

I struggled to find the words. "I was thinking of how much I liked you." I was dying of embarrassment inside, admitting this flat out. "And how much I wanted you to like me. But then I…felt betrayed, I guess. Because of seeing you with Token, and knowing of what you guys had in the past, and knowing how he still felt about you, and I…I'm a tool for overreacting."

Somehow, this made her angrier, and she carefully placed her brother back into his side of the stroller before addressing me. "Kyle, I've had it!" She wasn't shouting exactly-didn't want to draw attention or disturb the babies, I'm sure. "With you and Token, both. I'm my own person, not a prize to be won over! I can decide who I want to be with on my own."

"And I totally get that now—"

"Hey! My turn to talk." Nichole glared, raising a finger to silence me. I'd never seen her this riled up, and quite frankly, it was scary. "I don't know if you boys are able to comprehend this, but we girls aren't always looking for a relationship. Didn't you hear me that first day of school? I'd said that I wanted to reconnect with friends. That's it. I didn't come back to town for a boyfriend!"

She paused to look me over, disappointment now filling her eyes. "But you didn't make it easy for me. And not just because of your stupid rivalry with Token." The next words came after running her fingers stressfully through her hair. "I liked you, too, Kyle. I did. And I loved being your friend, but there was—a part of me—that wanted to be more. And you didn't make it easy for me to brush off."

I didn't know how to feel by hearing this. Ecstatic, obviously, but then again, she was talking in past tense.

"So imagine how it hurt me for you to do me like you did. And over something you never even confirmed was happening."

I took a nervous swallow, speaking—cautiously, just in case she shut me down again. "I understand. I messed things up, and it over nothing. I don't forgive myself for it," This was true. I didn't, "but I hope you can. Even if it means you don't want to speak to me anymore."

Nichole was capable of making whatever choices she pleased, as long as it took for me to realize this. If she decided to keep her distance from me and my foolishness, it would hurt, but I would abide by her wishes.

She looked to be in deep thought, probably wondering if I was even worth the trouble. Finally, she said, "I can forgive you, Kyle. But it won't be easy to build back up what we had."

I solemnly tell her I understand, and turn to leave, but she grabs my arm. "That doesn't mean I'm not willing to try, dummy." A small, sweet smile is given, and I return it with a bigger one. She motions for me to sit beside her on the bench.

The next couple hours ease the anxiety I had held earlier. We catch up, Nichole and I, talking of what we'd been up to during the summer and how our other friends were holding up.

From what I was told, Nichole was very much still in contact with some of them, specifically, Wendy, Red, Bebe, and Butters. Wendy had been away majority of the summer, acting as a junior councilor at one of those camps for "gifted children", and going to Europe to visit some family. Bebe, on the other hand, had been pushing to make herself busy. After a bunch of failed attempts to contact Kenny, she filled her time up as much as she could with shopping sprees and parties.

"Butters and Red have been awesome. They stopped by as soon as we brought the twins home, and have done whatever they can to help out." Nichole explained with gratitude thick in her voice. She went on to tell me how funny it was that her new little sister couldn't keep Red's hair out of her mouth. "Poor girl even tried pinning it up. Didn't work."

After a fit of chuckles and few seconds of quiet, I surprised the both of us by saying, "God, I miss us."

My renewed friend gave me a pitiful but firm look. "Maybe if everyone hadn't started acting so crazy, there wouldn't have been so much tension."

She was right. Mr. Kristopher was right. "I don't…I don't like this, Nichole. You know, at first I thought that it was just all of us growing into our own people and having to cut ties to do it, but I think…I think it goes deeper than that."

"Deeper as in none of us wanted to cut ties at all? Yeah." She fiddled with the hem of her dress. "I mean, honestly! You couldn't even look me in the eye when you came over here, Kyle! And now we've got former best friends who are doing all they can to avoid one another. Did you know Tweek had a meltdown at the mall a couple weeks back?"

I did know. A bunch of jerks were tweeting about it later. A couple days after that I had stopped by his family's establishment for a coffee, but more-so to see how he was holding up. His outer appearance didn't seem out of the ordinary, and he put up a good front, joking about it even. But in his eyes he just seemed…tired.

"I was there. And I saw Craig next to the escalators, looking as if he wanted to help—and I know he did. But then he just had this defeated look on his face, and he walked away. Really? Tweek's friend Callie wasn't around, so I went to pulled him over to a Starbucks. Once he stopped hyperventilating, I took him, home. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm always willing to help, but Craig just walked away, Kyle!" The fiddling of the hem grew to tugging. "I hate this—this distance we've all put up."

I wanted to put my hand over hers as a way to calm her down, but we did just make up. I don't want to push things in any way.

Clutching my hands together, I responded. "You're absolutely right. And you know what? We're going to do something about it. At least from our end." She squinched up her nose in confusion. "Nichole, we can't go butting into the others' issues. It may only make things worse, and besides, it's not our place. But what we can do is mend our own sides. Like now." I gestured to the two of us. "I've given an honest apology for my behavior, and—thankfully—you've forgiven me, though I've still got a lot to make up for."

"True," she nodded.

"Now we have to fit in another puzzle piece. Token. I own him one heck of an apology, too."

"As does he to you."

"Right. Once that happens, we can move forward. I can go to Kenny, and let him know that he doesn't have to shadow himself from me."

"Exactly, because you're his friend."

I nodded.

"And Stan?"

From the look on my face, Nichole gave me a serious look. "Kyle. You can't seriously expect to not make up with."

"I know, I know. It's just…" Well, what was it really. That I hadn't seen or heard from him all this time? No one had, actually. After his five-minute visit to the Kristophers' it was like he and his mom had just vanished.

There were rumors, of course. "Maybe Mr. Marsh and hick of a brother hacked them up." "Maybe Stan's run away and his mom's been looking for him, leaving his dad behind just in case their son came back." "Maybe Mrs. Marsh had grown tired of her husband's antics and left him—again—and took Stan along."

The last one became a theory after Wendy went to the Marsh's house before she left for the camp, hoping to say goodbye to Stan. Mr. Marsh had answered the door, looking tired and stressed (not a usual look for him), and told her that his wife and son weren't home. Nor would they be for a while. That was all he'd said.

"I wouldn't blame Sharon if she had left him." This was my mom's comment. It was no secret that she wasn't a fan of Stan's dad.

Personally, I didn't know how to take news of Stan's disappearance, seeing that I wasn't trying to concern myself with him. The argument we'd had wasn't like the other ones. Those weren't more than dramatized disagreements. We went to war over a game console, for goodness' sake! But the one after the end of the school year…it had a certain finality to it. And with him not around, it was easier to not feel the need to make amends.

But what about now? I wanted very much to put an end to this mess we'd all gotten ourselves in, and that obviously meant I'd have to fix things with Stan. I just didn't know what fixing things would entail. Would we go back to the way we were? I heavily doubt it, as much as it sucked to say. But then what? We apologize only to agree to remain no longer friends. It was all too much to ponder right now.

Nichole's stern look softened. "He's your best friend, Kyle. You have to try to get back on track. You have to."

I slouched in my spot on the bench. A nice breeze passed by, having a calming effect that I was grateful for. Not to be redundant, but it really was a nice day.

"Later. That's when we can worry about all this. For now let's just…be at peace with the moment."

Nichole gave a slight smile. "I get that." She leaned back, looking out towards the park, and then up to the sky. "It's nice isn't it? The quiet? Being in South Park…you don't get this too often."

I let out a breath, and watch with her as the sun descends and the evening creeps up.

"Sure don't."