Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Stephenie Meyer owns it all. I am merely having fun with her characters. Also, not sure if Seattle General is a real hospital or not. If it is, I do not own it.

A/N…SURPRISE! You can all go over to the thread on Twilighted and thank the ladies there for this extra update. They seem to be masters of persuasion.

Song for this chapter:

Sober by Kelly Clarkson

http:/www(dot)youtube(dot)com/watch?v=XKnbnmSsmKQ

E is not sober just yet…BUT he will be!

Chapter 20

EPOV

Tuesday March 3, 2009: Age 25

She kissed her way down from my neck slowly moving towards my chest. She was driving me crazy.

We were in the backseat of my car and I still had two hours before she had to be home. You could say that we were making good use of our time.

Bella and I had been having sex for a little over a year. Well…it wasn't just sex. We always made love…just sometimes were gentle and sometimes we were so caught up in the passion that we were not so gentle with each other.

We were seventeen, in love and sometimes we could not help ourselves.

Kind of like tonight.

She had on this tight ass jean skirt and she had been making me horny all day. I had no choice but to pull over to a secluded spot on the road on our way home from our date…which led us to where we were now.

I pulled her up to me and kissed her because I could not wait any longer.

She pulled back a little. "What are you doing…don't you want to feel my mouth…down here?" Her hand rubbed my cock through my jeans as she said that.

God I loved her.

"And where would that be baby? What's down there exactly?" I asked her while smirking.

We had just started talking dirty with each other and she was a little more shy about it than I was.

"Your cock…don't you want my mouth on your cock?" She breathed into my ear.

Oh fuck she was killing me. I couldn't take any more.

I pulled her skirt up and ripped her panties. Bella giggled and said, "Edward, damn it! That's the third pair this week! I liked those."

"Then you shouldn't tease and tempt me, love."

She started unbuttoning my jeans in a hurry and I lifted my hips up off the seat so she could push them down far enough to get my cock out.

Once we had enough clothing moved around to make it work, she lifted her tiny body up enough to impale herself on my shaft.

"Fuck!" We both cried out as we pressed our foreheads together.

At first we didn't move, we just stared into each other's eyes. I pressed my lips to hers and we started to move together.

"Mmm…you feel so good Edward," she said to me.

"I know baby, I know. I can never get enough of you," I told her.

That was a great night. When we were finished, we held each other and talked about our future…which led to round two….which led to Bella being late.

I walked her in and Charlie was furious. I came up with a lie on the spot telling him that I wasn't paying attention to the gas gauge and we ran out. I explained that we were late because we had to walk to get gas.

He was not buying it.

"Really? You ran out of gas? Do you think I was born yesterday? You two reek of sex! It's nice that you think enough of my daughter to bang her in the backseat of your car, Cullen!" Charlie seethed.

"Dad! Stop it! You have no idea what you're talking about!" Bella yelled at him.

"Are you going to lie to my face and tell me you two weren't off having sex?" Charlie questioned her.

"So what if we were? We love each other Daddy! If we want to express our love that way, it's none of your business! And if I want to have sex with my boyfriend in the backseat of his car…you don't have a say in the matter!" She screamed.

What the fuck was she doing? Was she trying to get me killed? Had she forgotten that her father carried a goddamn gun?

Charlie's face was beet red. Renee was trying to calm him down quickly.

"Go to your room, Bella! You are grounded indefinitely. Cullen, get your ass home! Oh and I will be calling your parents as soon as you walk out that door. Enjoy your night," he said sarcastically.

Bella stomped up to her room and I turned to leave knowing that nothing I said would make things right with Charlie Swan right now.

As soon as I got out to my car, my phone started ringing.

Bella.

"Baby are you alright?" I said as I answered.

I could hear her sobbing.

"No I'm not. I'm sorry I ratted us out Edward. He just made me so mad! He can't keep me from you, Edward…I swear. We'll run away together if we have to."

"Calm down sweetheart, I don't think it will come to that. Charlie is pissed right now but he'll calm down. You pretty much confirmed every father's worst nightmare…his baby girl has been deflowered and she's growing up right before his eyes."

"Are you going to be in trouble?" She cried.

"Yeah, I think so this time but everything will be okay, Bella. I won't let anyone keep me from you either. You're my life, you know that. I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Edward…always…nothing could ever make me stop loving you."

"That's good to hear," I said breathing a sigh of relief. Bella loved her dad and valued his opinion and since we became an actual couple…he has not liked me very much.

"I'm going to go insane if he keeps me grounded for long, Edward. I need you…we'll have to figure out a way to sneak around. I can't be without you. My body aches if I have to go too long without you inside me," she said in a whisper.

"God, Bells…you can't say shit like that to me while I'm trying to drive," I chuckled.

"Sorry," she giggled. Our conversation was cut short when I heard Charlie's voice.

"Jesus Bella! Do you not understand the concept of being grounded? Give me that damn phone!"

The line was dead after that.

When I got home, both parents were waiting up for me on the couch.

It was really weird too because…I didn't get punished at all. They told me I should not have kept Bella out so late and wanted to know if we were being safe when we had sex.

That was it.

Were they seriously not going to punish me…at all?

Last year, before Emmett went off to college, they caught him sneaking Rose into his room. He was grounded for two months and lost his car privileges.

He was angry with them and I remember hearing them in the dining room.

"Emmett, you can't behave like this. That girl is someone's daughter. You two are so young…do you want to get her pregnant? I don't think either of you would be ready for that. You have to have consequences for this. We are only doing this because we love you. You'll thank us one day for slowing you and Rose down."

I always wondered why my brother and sister had to have consequences but I never did. Was it because I was better than them? Or did my parents just not give a shit about me enough to bother with disciplining me?

Then, just last month, Mom found a pregnancy test in Alice's bathroom. It was negative and she was not pregnant but it led to our parents finding out that she was sexually active with Jasper.

The shit hit the fan.

She was still grounded and Jasper was not allowed over right now.

But Mom and Dad told me that Bella could come over any time as soon as she's ungrounded and for us to keep being safe.

What the fuck was that?

People always say that parents punish you because they care. Did my parents not give a fuck about me? Sure, I always got what I wanted and they made sure I was always happy…but why didn't they punish me for anything?

I could not dwell on that. I was pissed that Charlie was going to try to keep me from Bella so I went to my room and drowned my sorrows in a bottle of Jack Daniels that I swiped from Mike Newton's house. He had a party last week that Bella and I attended. This bottle of JD was just sitting in his dad's liquor cabinet unattended. Mike probably got in trouble for it going missing…I didn't give a fuck.

Apparently, my parents could not have cared less about what I did. If they did not care about me, why the fuck should I care about myself?

My siblings were fucking jealous of me. Emmett and I always fought...Alice and I were close usually...unless she was in trouble. When she was in trouble, she would be angry with me because I never got in trouble.

I really had no one I could count on besides Bella.

She was the only person who I felt truly loved me

And fucking Charlie was going to try to take her away from me.

I just hoped he realized…the more he kept us apart…the more he would alienate his daughter. I was her world and she was mine…and we were getting married as soon as we fucking could and there was not a goddamn thing he could do about it.

All I could think about as I sat on the edge of my bed with the bottle in my hand was how much I was hurting…and how much I wanted the pain to just go away.

That night was the first night I drank to push away what I was feeling.

I didn't do it frequently until Bella left me…but if I looked back at my life carefully, I could see a pattern that whenever I really needed to feel numb, I would have a drink…or two….or three.

I bolted upright from my spot on the air mattress and took in my surroundings.

Fucking dream…well…memory. I had a different one just about every night after I drank enough to pass out.

Letting Bella and my baby go was the hardest thing I had ever done.

So far, I had done absolutely nothing…to make myself better…for either of my children.

It hurt my heart too much to be sober enough to do anything that I needed to do in order to become a better man. I had it all…and I fucking threw it all away because in my spoiled, fucked up mind, my wife mistreated me so I went and fucked someone else.

Remembering the dream I had about my past with Bella…made me even more furious with myself. Bella always was and always would be my everything. It was supposed to be Edward and Bella against the world. Why the hell did I ruin it?

My mind was drifing to thoughts about the church I had stopped at on the way home from the hospital. It was a church in Seattle that I knew held AA meetings.

I could not go in…I just sat out on the fucking steps like the coward I was. A guy sat down beside me and started talking to me.

Flashback

People were leaving the church…but I could not bring myself to look at any of them. They all had drinking problems…they were…alcoholics. I was not…I didn't even know why I came here.

I…did…not…have…a…problem…right?

I felt the presence of someone standing over me.

"Hey man, how's it goin?" He asked as he sat down beside me.

I looked at him incredulously.

"I'm sitting on the steps of a church that holds AA meetings…how the fuck do you think I'm doing?" I snapped at him.

He laughed at me and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. He offered me one as he was lighting up and I told him no thanks.

"It takes the edge off from needing that drink," he replied.

"Do you…drink a lot?" I asked him.

"Yep, wouldn't be here if I didn't. But I haven't had a drop in two years."

"Wow, that's awesome. How…did you do it?"

"I lost everything. My wife left me and took our kids with her. The only way I was allowed to see them was if I got sober. I missed my boys…so…I did what I had to do."

I nodded.

I had already lost everything…why was I still being a fucking coward about this. I needed to give up alcohol…all together. It was the only way that Bella would ever let me be in our baby's life.

The man stood up after stubbing out his cigarette.

"Well, I guess you're not ready yet. Can I see your cell phone?" He asked.

Why did he want that?

For some reason though, I did not question him. I handed him my phone and he punched in some numbers and then handed it back to me.

"Call me when you're ready. Day or night…it doesn't matter. The name's James by the way."

"Thanks James. I'm Edward," I told him.

He nodded and then he was gone.

End Flashback

The beeping of my phone interrupted my thoughts. It was alerting me that I had voicemails.

It was probably my family. I had stopped talking to anyone. I knew I would have to talk to Alice when the house was sold in order to sign the paperwork but until then, I did not want to talk to anyone.

I just wanted to be left alone in my misery.

When I listened to my messages, I discovered that they were all from Lauren.

She had the baby…last night…a girl.

I was fucking passed out drunk when she was born.

What kind of father does not even try to be their when their child is born?

I rubbed my hands over my face and decided to pull myself together enough to go to the hospital and see the baby.

When I arrived at the hospital, I went right to Lauren's room.

"Edward! You're finally here! I can't believe you missed it…but that's okay. Come meet your daughter."

She was holding a baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

I walked towards the bed and let Lauren place the bundle in my arms.

As I looked down at the innocent child, I realized…I felt…absolutely nothing.

Wasn't there supposed to be some sort of instant connection? Shouldn't I have felt something for this baby that was supposed to be mine?

Was I that much of a bastard that I could not even love my own baby?

"Her name is Rachel. Rachel Michelle Cullen. Isn't she beautiful?" Lauren beamed.

"Rachel," I replied.

She was cute…but I saw nothing of myself in her…she did not have one single trait of mine that I could find.

Her eyes were crystal blue and the hair that she had was light blonde with absolutely no tints of my bronze colored hair at all.

I always figured my child would have some sort of reddish tint to their hair because Alice, Emmett and I all had it. We got it from our mom.

This was really overwhelming and disappointing. I desperately needed an excuse to get away from Lauren.

Thankfully, Lauren expressed how tired she was and that she thought Rachel should go to the nursery for a little bit.

The nurse came in to take the baby and I told Lauren that I was going to go with them so that I could spend more time with Rachel.

I thought it would be a good opportunity to attempt to bond with her.

"Your daughter is a cutie," the nurse told me.

"Yeah…um…thanks," I told her.

It made me uneasy hearing her referred to me as my daughter.

I did not feel that way about her and it was tearing me up inside. She did not ask for this situation…didn't ask for me to be her father.

How could I not love my own child? I hated to think that way…but I did not. I felt absolutely no love for this child.

I knew that mothers bond with their babies because they carry them for nine months. I never spoke to Rachel while she was still inside of Lauren or made any effort to bond with her.

Was that why I could feel absolutely no connection to her?

I've heard guys say that they instantly felt connected to their children when they were born. Even my father said that.

He said as soon as he held each one of us; he was overwhelmed with this sense of love and completeness. Dad said that the first time a father holds his child is this wonderful moment where you feel this protectiveness and a sense of home. Everything is right with the world.

I did not feel anything like that when holding her.

It just felt like holding any other baby.

A baby that was not mine.

Was Jasper right?

Had Lauren been lying to me from the beginning?

I had not been gone from Lauren's room very long, but I decided to head back anyway because I needed some fucking answers. That kid looked nothing like me! I knew that kids did not always look like both of their parents…but usually you can find something in them from each parent.

Rachel had absolutely nothing of me and I could not let that go.

My heart and my head were both in agreement…they were screaming at me that Rachel was not my daughter.

As I got closer to Lauren's room, I could hear her voice. It was raised a bit and the door to her room was mostly closed with the door cracked open only a little.

"I called him just like you said! It's not my fault he didn't show up! No…no…he has no reason to…please calm down. Everything will be fine…please stop yelling at me! Thank you. She's great…she looks just like her daddy," she giggled.

What the fuck?

Who was she talking to? Who told her to call me and why would she tell them the baby looks just like me? She looked nothing like me!

I decided to make my presence known as I pushed the door open roughly. By the look on Lauren's face, she could tell I was furious.

"Um…Mom…I'll call you back later," she said quickly and closed her phone.

Mom?

"That was your mom?"

She nodded.

I call bullshit sweetheart.

"Why did you tell her that you called me like you were told to?" I questioned.

"My mom told me that I needed to call you and get you here for the birth of our daughter…I kept telling her that I didn't want to…bother you. But she wouldn't take no for an answer. She's always very critical of me. She's not happy that I got knocked up by a married man and she thinks you are a loser for not being here for me throughout the pregnancy."

Yeah…for some reason…I was not buying that.

"Why did you tell her she looks like her dad? She looks nothing like me, Lauren! Care to tell me why that is?" I yelled at her.

She started crying uncontrollably as she always did when she wanted to get out of something or make someone feel bad. Her tears always seemed so fake…why hadn't I noticed that before now?

"Well, I didn't want to tell her that I see none of her father in her! I didn't want to tell her that her father hates her! I know that you hate her! I could see it in your face when you held her! You resent her because she's not your precious Bella's! You hate me so you can't find it in your heart to love your innocent daughter! These are not things I wished to share with my mother when she already hates you as it is. She was upset enough that she couldn't get a flight from New York to get here in time to be with me since Rachel's father is a deadbeat dad!"

It all still seemed fake to me. The words she said…felt rehearsed…as if she were telling a story.

I had to get out of there.

I made an excuse to leave and I told her we would discuss the custody of Rachel later. I wanted to appease her and make her think that I still believed that child was mine.

After I left her room, I found her doctor and told him that I wanted a DNA test completed on Rachel…as soon as possible.

There was no way she was mine…I felt even more strongly about it after speaking with Lauren. That bitch had fucking played me and I fell for it like a goddamn idiot. Why didn't I make her get that fucking test? I could have spared Bella so much pain.

It was bad enough that I cheated but all this time she also thought that Lauren was carrying my child. I could only imagine what that did to her…because I knew if it were her who was carrying a child other than mine…it would surely kill me.

The pain in my chest would not go away…I needed to do something to remedy that.

Once I got back home to my lonely apartment, I started looking through photo albums and that led to opening a brand new bottle of JD.

I could have had everything I ever wanted right now, if I just would have kept my dick in my pants.

It did not matter anymore how Bella made me feel when she pushed me away. I missed her terribly.

The memories, the feelings I had at the hospital today, realizing that in my heart I knew I had been fucking played, being without Bella, everything came down on me all at the same time. I found myself drinking quicker than normal, which led to me throwing up sooner. I didn't even make it to the bathroom.

I was stumbling around trying to find something to clean with when there was a knock on my door.

As I opened the door, I looked directly into the eyes of my father. He looked worried at first, then relieved, and then straight to livid.

He pushed his way into the apartment and looked around. He shook his head as he noticed the lack of furnishings, the empty pizza boxes and the empty bottles of liquor.

While shaking his head, he said, "Are you fucking stupid? What is wrong with you? You decided to let Bella go…finally doing the right thing…giving her space…we thought you would try to make yourself better so that you could win her back…or be in your child's life at least. But no…you cut yourself off from everyone and try to drink yourself to death! You smell like alcohol and vomit, son!"

"How did you fucking find me? If I wanted you guys to know where I was…I would have told you myself!" I screamed at him.

I was not going to listen to a lecture from him of all people.

"I have my ways…and how I found you is the least of your worries. You know, Edward…I realize that your mother and I spoiled you…that we handled things badly with you. I watched you become this cocky, arrogant, self-righteous, selfish prick, but I still loved you with all of my heart…because sometimes we would see the real you…the sweet and selfless one. Why do let the alcohol control you? How long have you been drinking away your feelings? You need to get clean, Edward."

"I don't need any lectures from you, Carlisle. Em has the right idea...calling you by your first name. You're no goddamn father! I could have died and you would not have been there to even say goodbye! I don't have a fucking drinking problem! So I like to have a drink now and then…we can't all be a saint like Carlisle Cullen…oh but wait…you're not so perfect either are you? That's right…you couldn't keep your dick in your pants any more than I could!"

I was not going to stand there and be judged by my cheating father.

"Edward, your mother and I fucked up…I am man enough to admit that. We did wrong by you and I am very sorry for that. We both are. We want to make this right with you…you have always meant the world to us. I won't give up on my family. I know that we can be fixed…but you have to meet me halfway son. You need to get help."

"You won't give up on your family? You won't give up on me? Hunh, Dad? Is that what you're saying? Guess what? You can't give up on something you never had any fucking faith in to begin with! You and Mom never believed in me…apparently you never expected very much at all since you could not even take the time to fucking discipline me as you did the rest of your children!"

He was turning red in the face and I knew he really wanted to hit me…but he didn't.

Instead, he just shook his head, pulled something out of his pocket that looked like a picture and slammed it down on the bar. "This is my only copy...but your mother has one as well and right now...I think you need this more than I do," he said before turning from the bar to glare at me.

"You are a fucking idiot if you think you are ever going to get your life back on track behaving this way! Do you know how I got your mother to come back to me? First, I apologized to her! Then I went to counseling with her and groveled at her feet. I have spent the rest of our days together making sure that she felt loved, cherished, safe and secure…and that she knew damn well she could trust me! Have you done any of that for your wife?"

I could not answer him…but he already knew.

"I didn't think so! If you don't want to get sober or fix your issues for Bella...your family or even for yourself…perhaps you will do it for that person!" He nodded towards the bar and then stormed out of the apartment.

I walked to the bar hesitantly because I had a feeling I knew what was sitting on that bar.

When I looked down, I gasped. It was a picture of my baby.

I did not even know that Bella had a 3-D ultrasound done. There was no doubt this was my baby.

This baby had my cheekbones…my nose…the eyes were shaped like Bella's…oh God…what was I doing to myself?

I wanted to be in this baby's life so badly…and there was only one way for me to do it.

That picture broke me and I fell down to the floor, clutching it in my hands while sobbing. I fished my phone out of my pocket and pulled up the number I was looking for.

"Hello?" He answered.

"James?" I wanted to make sure it was him.

"Yeah? Is this Edward?"

"Yes…I'm ready now."

"I'm glad to hear that man, I've been expecting your call. The night we met, I could tell you wanted help but you just weren't there yet. I hoped you would be soon…I had a feeling about you."

"I need help…I have a problem…I can't stop…and I need to…I need my baby…please help me," I pleaded with him. I did not even care that I was crying to this stranger. He had gone through it…he understood what I was doing to myself.

"That my friend is the first step…you just admitted you have a problem. Give me your address and I'll be right there."

I told him where I lived and he assured me he was on his way.

The bottle of JD that was still sitting on the floor beside my air mattress looked appealing. My stomach lurched at that thought…here I was only seconds ago…realizing I needed help to be good enough for my baby…yet I still fucking wanted that drink…and I hated myself for it.

James was on his way and we would deal with this together…surely one last drink couldn't hurt…could it?

No!

My baby deserved better than this…and so did Bella.

I pulled myself from the floor and approached the bottle of JD with determination. Once I had it in my hands…so close…I almost took that drink…but I didn't.

I took the bottle to the sink and I poured it down the drain.

It hurt to do that…but at the same time…it felt…freeing.

There was more where that came from.

That was how I passed the time while I waited for James to arrive. I poured all the alcohol in the apartment down the drain…hoping it would wash away my pain. It did not completely take my pain away…but it gave me hope to know that I was on the road to becoming a better person for my child…and my Bella.

When James arrived, he was pleased that I had dumped most of the alcohol in the apartment. He waited for me to dump the rest and then he said he was taking me somewhere.

We ended up back at the church where I first met him.

"What are we doing here? I think…I feel…no…I know that I need more help than an AA meeting…I need to check myself into a rehabilitation center."

"You're right…you do. I suspect you've had this addiction for a long time…haven't you?"

I nodded.

"And no one noticed?"

Again, I nodded.

"All right then…our first step is to get you in there to a meeting…it won't fix you of course…but it's going to help. Then first thing tomorrow morning, I will drive you to a rehabilitation center I know of in Port Angeles. I found one for you there…that way you will be closer to Forks in case your wife goes into labor. I bet if you're sober…she'll let you be there. I'll stay with you tonight and pretty much hold your hand so that you don't slip…you're not alone, buddy."

"Thank you," I said.

We walked into the church and I was shocked at the different people who were there. Some of them looked as I did…people you would never guess to be the type to have a serious addiction.

James showed me to where we would be sitting and when the person at the podium asked for newcomers, he encouraged me to stand.

I pulled the ultrasound picture quickly out of my pocket, took a deep breath and stood.

"My name's Edward…and…I'm…an alcoholic."

"Hi Edward," said a chorus of voices from around the room.

Yes…I could do this.

I had to.

A/N…I think you guys can guess which way I went with the paternity. For those of you upset by this, I'm sorry…but I always have a plan.

Reviewers will get a teaser of the next chapter from BPOV. It's an important chapter…

Thanks to dolphin62598 for editing repeatedly and quickly! Thanks to teacher1209 for her lovely thoughts when she pre-reads!

Here is the deal...I am still going to update again Wed night as regularly scheduled...but the next update after that one will more than likely not be until 9/8 because I have a LOT of homework to get finished for my Master's Degree before the 8th.

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