Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight

Chapter 21

I loved Edward Cullen.

I knew it now more than ever. Even with the horrible things he had done and the horrible things that had happened to him, I was completely and irrevocably in love with him. But I was only human. A damaged one, at that. For the sake of my sanity, I decided I needed to have an Edward free day before I dove back into things with him.

I'd only spoken to him a few times since he came clean about the rape; however I made it clear to him that I held him accountable for nothing that Irina or Tanya did. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was just scared.

But I needed this. We needed a day apart to sort ourselves out. Well...I did anyway before I had a mental breakdown...

"Are you freaking out because of what I told you?" Edward asked when I told him over the phone, Friday night, that I needed more time.

"I'm not freaking out, I swear I'm not. It's just that... I feel like I've already taken in all I can handle for one week, but I know if I just take a breather for a while I'll be better able to take on the world again."

"If you're having second thoughts..." he started, obviously ignoring all I said.

"I'm not having second thoughts-"

"It's okay if you are..."

"Edward, I'm not-"

"...I know it's a lot to handle and believe me..."

"Edward, stop interrupting me-"

"... after everything I said, I wouldn't be surprised if you were. That is a lot for one person to handle..."

"Will you stop-"

"...and I already hurt you so much, so..."

"I'm serious stop talki-"

"...I understand if I'm not good enough-"

With his last sentence I flipped my lid. "I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK EDWARD?"

Silence.

That must have been the angriest way anyone had ever professed their love to someone else. And after I had exploded at him, it was dead silent for a long time. It was starting to feel awkward and I did the only other thing I could think of. I resorted to humor, "Wow! So that's what it takes to get you to shut up? Shouting I love you?" I teased with a meek laugh.

He still said nothing.

Sooo awkward...

"Do you mean that?" he whispered.

Why would he even ask that? Of course I did. I mean, I'd already told him I loved him twice before. The first time was right before he told me about Irina, and the other was afterwards when we were discussing things. It wasn't that big of a revelation, after all. Or maybe my love for him had more impact now.

"Of course I mean it, Edward."

He was silent again for a while and it was making me nervous. What was up with him? I was worried that he might suddenly realize he doesn't want me anymore.

"Edward?" I asked and I heard him clear his voice on the end of the receiver.

"I love you too. So much," he started in a shaky voice. Was he crying...? "...and I'll give you more time or whatever else you need. I'll give you anything if it'll help."

Again with heavy talk. This was exactly why we need a day apart.

"I don't want you to misconstrue this. I love you, I'm willing to admit it, but I don't think I'm ready yet to lay all my cards on the table with you. I … I still don't trust you completely. But I know I will if I can get my mind in order and have time to think."

"Like I said," he quoted me. "I'll wait. Forever if I have to."

"You won't have to wait forever. I only need a couple of days." I whispered, not feeling as uncomfortable as I used to feel when talking about this kind of stuff with him.

"Regardless, I'll be here whenever you're ready."

We said goodnight then and he told me to call him when I wanted to see him again. I was happy he was being mature about this and understanding that it was what I needed. But then again, I shouldn't have been surprised; Edward had always been caring...

Tears streamed my little chubby cheeks as I looked at my smushed and melting ice-cream on the pavement. My Momma was going to get angry; I knew that for sure, because I had to beg her to let me have one. Now it was gone and I was ice-cream less again.

Edward was by the swings and his Mommy was busy chatting with my Momma and fussing over Alice's new dress. He spotted me crying and his little brow furrowed in the middle of his head. He ran to me then, as fast as his little six year old legs would take him. I envied him with his bright blue bubblegum ice-cream still intact.

"Why are you sad, Bewa?" he asked as I watched a blob of ice-cream on his nose drip down onto his mouth.

"I-I dropped my i-ice-cream and M-Momma will get m-mad." I sniffed as I used my sleeve to wipe my drippy nose.

His bottom lip jutted out and it looked as if he was going to cry too. "We can share mine if you want." he offered, holding out his runny ice-cream for me to take.

"Gross. I'll get boy cooties!" I shrieked, shaking my head in disgust at the thought of sharing an ice-cream with a boy. Yuck!

"Nuh huh, I takes a bath every night and my Daddy teached me how to brush my teeth all by myself." he stated with a proud grin and showed me his gummy mouth. He was missing four teeth in the front and Alice said that Edward got money from a fairy for losing his teeth. I wanted mine to fall out too, but my Daddy said it would happen when I got older.

"So you don't gots cooties?" I asked because his ice-cream did look really yummy.

"Nope." he smiled and I took it hesitantly from him. I licked it quickly, then checked to see if I was turning into a boy. When I didn't, we sat side by side in the playground sharing the ice-cream until it was all gone.

"Stop thinking about him!" I scolded myself as I sat down on the couch and turned on another season of the OC. I was on the bit where Ryan and Marissa were finally doing it.

Edward and I did it on the beach one time, it was sort of hard to maneuver in the back of his Mustang, but awesome none the less. I remembered how he pulled me onto his lap and we made out for a good hour until we basically started dry humping each other. Then we were faced with a challenge. Should we do it in the mustang or go back to my dorm, where his sister and her boyfriend were no doubt getting it on?

Needless to say, the Mustang got christened that night.

"Stop it..." I warned myself as I squirmed in my seat as I felt the waterworks going on down there.

Maybe it was time for some self-loving?

-O~O~O-

I spent the next day in denial.

"It's not just a river in Egypt, you know." Alice said in an annoying tone when I told her I didn't miss Edward. We'd gone shopping to make me forget about him and have me time, but I'd see a green shirt in a store and I'd automatically be comparing it to his eyes or I'd see a suit and automatically think how good he would look in it.

Edward Cullen was taking over my mind.

When Alice realized I wouldn't be coming out of my sullen mood anytime soon, we decided to call it a day and head back home. Jasper had the kids by himself and I wanted to go home and wallow.

"You really miss him, don't you?" Alice asked and I avoided her eyes, looking at the floor of the car as she drove.

"Yeah," I mumbled, and then blurted out what had been playing on my mind since I met up with her that morning. "I love him, Alice."

Her sudden intake of breath caused me to look at her shocked features. I didn't reply because there was no way I was taking back what I said. That would not only be betraying Edward by lying to his only sister after telling him I meant it, but it would also be betraying myself and what I stood for. If I wasn't going to defend what we were working to build, then what was the point of even trying?

"You love him?" she questioned and I nodded, keeping eye contact at all times. "Are you sure?" she added in a pleading voice as if she was begging me to reconsider my answer.

"I thought you wanted us to be together, Alice? You said you would support me no matter what."

"I know but ... Bella, I'm still scared for you. He hurt you so badly and I knew this was coming, but now it's here..." she trailed off with a worried expression.

I understood what she was saying. She knew this would have happened whether she supported our relationship or not. But now that the time, where I gave myself to him and trusted him again, was here, she was beyond scared for me.

I had to make her see that I wasn't scared anymore.

"Do you remember on my wedding day, Alice? When I was freaking out because I thought I was going to trip down the aisle or say the wrong line in front of all those people? Do you remember what you told me?" I asked and she nodded with tear filled eyes as she pulled the car over to look at me.

"I-I told you that you marrying my b-brother was a part of fates p-plan; it was always meant to be. That no matter what happens…even if you tripped walking down the aisle, or set the place on fire; at the end of the day you'd be starting your life with Edward. No matter what. I told you that you b-belonged with h-him." she cried and I had to fight hard to keep my own tears away.

"I was so scared that day. I knew it was coming but I still wasn't prepared to walk down that aisle, until I spoke to you and you reminded me of why I was there. You were right, Alice, I belong with him. I knew it when he asked me to marry him and I know it now when he told me he'd wait forever for me. Edward and I both made mistakes but I believe it's fates plan that we be together. If I didn't, I would've given up a while ago."

She cried harder. However, this time it was with happiness. She unlocked her seat belt and hugged me tighter than she ever had before as she cried into my neck, and I hugged her tiny frame right back.

-O~O~O-

After Alice dropped me home and I started wallowing, I began to curse myself for needing the day away from Edward. I did sort myself out a bit by spending the day with Alice and getting things off my chest. But still, it wasn't worth the sadness I felt when he wasn't around. Edward made me happy...

I fell asleep on the couch at around eight thirty, tired from yet another emotionally draining day. I dreamed some more of my childhood, this time about the days I had spent with Alice. Her dressing me up like I was one of her Barbie dolls or her modeling her new princess dress Esme had made for her.

My phone rang out beside me causing me to jump awake.

"Hello?" I answered, a bit groggily.

"Bella?" A velvety voice asked, a bit hesitantly.

A smile immediately lit my face and I felt instantly happier, just hearing the sound of his voice. "Edward," I greeted him, smiling brightly into the phone. "What's up?" Did I really just say 'what's up?' Kill me now…

"I wanted to see what you were doing."

"Did you miss me?" I teased. "I assume you did since you're breaking the no contact rule."

"Well, technically I'm allowed speak to you now since you called me on Friday night at eight. Now it's Saturday at nine..." he paused before adding. "...and yeah, I really missed you today."

My conversation with Alice spurred me on. "I missed you too," I told him, in the strongest voice I could manage. It was ridiculous how good I felt saying those four words to him, knowing I was certain about us now.

"So...are you busy? Could I come over if you're not?"

I smiled wickedly at the thought that ran through my mind. "That depends."

"On what?" he asked, a slight trace of fear in his words.

"I'm only on my first disk of the OC. Think you could handle watching some more with me?" He hated most of the shows I watched, the OC and Sex and the City were his least favorites. I think our tastes in T.V. shows and movies were one of the only things we didn't have in common.

He sighed but agreed. "I'll be there. Oh, and Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

And just like that, he set my heart aflame.

We're getting somewhere on the romance scale. FINALLY!

What did you think of chapter 21? Leave a review and please tell me, because reviews help me to write. So please keep'em coming!

Thank you to my beta/partner in crime, RND4EVA, for making this story what it is. :)

A big thank you to anyone who reviewed, I got back to most of you but for those who I didn't have time to get to, thanks a bunch for the support.

I really want a banner, so if anyone would like to make me one for this story, I'd love it and be forever in your debt (Okay that was a bit dramatic but I woud really be greatful.)...PM me if you're interested.

Okay, happy reading and I'll see you next chapter.

~ Casey