Chapter 20

The green eyes looked me up and down taking in my appearance. Her hair was pulled into a high ponytail, and was wearing a tight sweater and jeans that showed off her curves perfectly. The sweater made those eyes pop along with the makeup, also done perfectly.

When the eyes came back to my face they shone with judgement and an eerie happiness. I swallowed as I thought of what she would do with knowledge that she could now use against me.

I've never been this much afraid of Carrie Montgomery, than in this moment.

"Well what do we have here?" She crawled, a venomous smirk growing on her face. She brought a hand to her waist and the other to the corner of her mouth as if she was thinking.

"Oh, I know! A complete waste of space, trying to feel something. That or just a slut trying to get attention."

Well I have two choices; one, I can lay down and be her birch or I can do the second option where I be sarcastic and a bitch back...well when ever have I took the easy way of things?

"You would know, your the biggest attention whore in the school." I fired back. I could feel the cuts drip blood down my hands and onto the wood floor of the dorm.

Great, I'll have to clean that up, or leave it.

"Well that's no way to talk to someone who has leverage over you."

"All I see is a bitch that uses the hurt of others to satisfy her need to prove she's better than everyone." She clicked her tongue in response and took walk forward till she was right in front of me.

"And I see a freak that is a waste of space and is a charity case to all who pretend to like her." My heart fell to my stomach. She knows exactly how to get to me.

Carrie raised an delicate eyebrow, "Tell me, Grace. What is it like to never be loved? I mean sure, you're mommy must have. Since you know, she got killed because of you, but do you really think that anyone can love you?"

I don't answer.

"You know I actually feel sorry for you." She blinked at me, and sighed.

"So I'm going to do you a favor." Her cat smirk came upon her face again.

"I don't want anything from you." I spat, pulling the towel closer around me.

"You're in the position to be making any objections." She said.

I know that's true. She caught me, and I can't do a thing about it. I can say whatever I want to her, but in the end Carrie had the choice of turning me over to the Professor's or letting me go.

I'm not even going to hope that she'll just let me go without doing something for her or her just getting rid of me completely.

"So the way I see it is that I go and tell Dumbledore or some other Professor and tell them about your...issue. And I did some...let's say investigating, on you."

I could feel my heart going a million miles per hour.

Her cat-like eyes seemed to turn into slits, "We both know that the next time you screw up...like getting caught cutting yourself or committing suicide that you'll be sent to a delinquent facility in America where you'll be stuck till you're proved recovered. And honey, you're fucked up too much to be fixed."

God, how does she find out these things? My mouth was completely dry. I would rather die than ever go somewhere that they'll just tell me that it's all better and how messed up I am.

I already know that, I have my scars to remind me.

Carrie took a step back, her eyes knowing that she had me. Her laugh ringed in my ears, and I wanted to flinch. I shut my eyes and looked at the floor.

"Or you could do something for me and for you." I could still hear the smirk in her face.

"What do you want?" I whispered. I heard her lean closer to me and the words I never wanted to hear came out of perfect lips.

I opened my eyes, and looked at this girl with all the hate I could muster.

"So what is it going to be, Grace? Locked up or end it before it breaks you?"

~Later~

My heart seemed to stop and race at the same time as I walked down to the common room. My hands pulling on my sleeves, and my my teeth biting my lip so hard it was numb.

I can do this. I did it all the time, I could do it again for one more time.

I will do this.

Laughter was booming through the room, when I walked in.

Students were lingering and some where rushing out of the portrait. Excitement filled the air from third years going to Hogsmeade for the first time, but there was also something about it that was intense...that was like...freedom.

Nothing like the feeling of flying through the air. That was more of a weight being lifted off your shoulders, and nothing can touch you. It was peaceful...something I only felt once.

Warmth and the memory of kisses filled me at the thought, which was immediately replaced with dread and guilt.

"Hey, Nessa!" I turned my head and found Lily sitting on one of the couch with James's arm around her shoulders.

She was smiling like nothing could ever phase her, and James was too. As I went over I could practically feel the happiness radiating off of them.

I felt a piece of my heart go out to them, they were perfect for each other.

James would be the fun and easy going part of Lily and she would be the sensible and responsible part of him. A pair of gloves that match perfectly together. It was pure love.

At one point that would have made me roll my eyes, and scoff that there was no such thing, but Lily and James had proved to me that it does exist.

I will never have that, and I don't deserve it.

Biting my lip hard, I stood in front of them.

"You both seem very...cheerful." I pointed out, "It's kind of creepy."

Lily's eyes danced in response, and James had a gave me a hundred watt grin.

"Oh really? Well now you know how we feel when you and Sirius are together. It's adorable." Lily replied, still smiling. My fingers twitched. Are we really? She must be lying, just to tease me.

What Lily and James have, I can't ever have. But what was that feeling I felt whenever Sirius is near or his name is mentioned?

That feeling of never wanting to part from his touch or laughter. The feeling when he smiles at me and I actually smile back. That feeling of how whenever I shut my eyes instead of nightmares, I get the feeling of him and his kisses.

My heart was in my throat, and I was starting to feel cold inside. Oh god, was what I feeling...no it couldn't be...I won't admit that. It will just make what I'm going to do harder.

Lily suddenly stop grinning for a second, and her eyes looked at me with concern, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, pushing away my thoughts, "Nothing, I'm fine."

She pursued her lips, but let it go, beginning to smile again as James leaned forward and brush her hair behind her. Lily blushed redder than her hair and James grinned at her.

Then he turned to me with a knowing look in his eyes.

"So how did you like the surprise?"

I could feel my cheeks wanting to blush like Lils, but thank God they didn't.

"You know you're not supposed to kiss and tell, Prongs." A voice indicated that he was clearly smirking as he said the words, "Right, Tiger-Lily?"

Lily seemed to blush harder if that was even possible, and glared at Sirius.

"Stop calling me that, Black." She frowned, and Sirius chuckled as he came up next to me. His hand laced through mine, and brought it to his lips, kissing it softly.

"Hello, love." The words vibrated off my skin. He was smiling at me, and I felt my mouth turn up also.

'Oh, Merlin, focus Nessa!' I wanted to scream. It will be so much easier if I did this quick, like pulling off a ban-aid. Quick and painless after a moment...yeah I don't doubt that the pain of doing this will last longer than a second.

Probably a whole eternity.

"Padfoot! Thank you graciously for your presence!" James stated and he and Lily rose off the couch.

Sirius grinned and bowed a little, "It was no trouble, Prongs! I wouldn't miss a trip to Hogsmeade for the world. Speaking of which; weren't we supposed to meeting you guys at the Three Broomsticks?"

"Yes, but I had to check out this book for our Charms essay." Lily answered.

"Of course you did." I replied, and rolled my eyes. Lily was all about school work and studying. That probably why I hear some people call her the brightest witch of her age. From what I've seen, she is.

"Haha very funny." She mocked back, but I could tell she was teasing.

"Well I don't know about you all, but I'm dying for some FireWhiskey!" Sirius exclaimed and I raised an eyebrow.

"Um..how do you expect to get anywhere near alcohol? This is a school supervised trip." Lily questioned.

James and Sirius both smiled that Marauder smile at us.

"Lily-Flower, have you met us?" James stated, "How do you expect us not to get anywhere near it?"

This time Lily rolled her eyes. Sirius barked laughter along with James.

"You both are insane." Lily replied and stepped away from James and over to me. She was grinning as she tugged me away from Sirius and towards the portrait. As she did the warmth of his hand in mine was pulled away.

"Come on Nessa, we should put ourselves in better company." She practically commanded, but I could tell she was only trying to annoy them.

I was totally okay with this whole FireWhiskey thing though; because what I was going to have to do, it might be better if I'm numb with alcohol.

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