After a while Finch grew uncomfortable and needed to get up
He moved up and brushed his nose against Johns
"John?" he whispered
"yes beautiful" said John with his eyes still closed
"beautiful? huh, thanks" he was very upset and feared John thought he was Jessica, which was his worst fear.
John opened his eyes "What? I mean it you are beautiful"
"stop back rowing, men aren't beautiful"
"you are. Your features are soft and feeling"
"oh I get it so I'm like a woman" Finch's defences fly up quicker than he'd ever known them to, he knew he was a bit effeminate at times but this hurt
"no, not at all"
Finch didn't like this and tried to get up
"no way, your staying here"
"why? What is the point in that?"
"I love you Harold, sorry if you find the word beautiful wrong to use towards you, but I think you are. Handsome is an awful word"
"I just think beautiful is reserved as a compliment for a woman"
still wiggling to escape"I'm sorry. OK umm... I know, Let's start again" and John shut his eyes,
Finch stopped moving and just looked at him "I'm waiting"
"OK, OK" he said "John" he whispered
"yes sexy"
Finch shook his head
"no better?" asked John
"not really" his walls were moving a little but not much
"so what can I call you then?"
"I don't know. I'll think of something" he'd have to find a word, but not right away
"good idea. So I think we should get up soon?"
"yes we probably should but not yet"
He rolled over and off of John, he wasn't happy and didn't want to get up, he laid on his side facing away from John
Time felt like it stood still, he lay just looking at the blank walls, not thinking but feeling a lot. He felt already this was going to be a bad day, he wasn't on the mood to be spoilt or anything. He could hear John's breathing it was steady and normal, he knew he wasn't asleep, was he doing the same as he was? Just laid being rushed with feelings and alien emotions? emotions were normal for John's, it was just him who found them alien, it had been so long since Grace. He sighed, he tried to not think about her, it hurt and he couldn't control the emotions it caused, and now he should be happy, laid in bed with an amazing man who he did in a way love. So why was he feeling so bad?
He felt the bed move and guessed John was getting up, but he couldn't get up, but no, fingers came across the side of his head then lips on his neck. He wiggled at the attention and he wanted it, but his mind was buzzing and wouldn't be quiet
"what you thinking?" came John's voice near his ear as he felt John wrap an arm across his stomach,
"I'm not thinking. I'm... Confused, I thinks the word"
"OK"
"why only OK? Are you OK?" he was worried then about John
"I'm fine. I'm just not... Asking things you won't want to answer"
Now Finch was more confused "what do you mean?"
"well, even though were together you still have your private side and I respect that, I don't understand but I just get on with it. If you want to talk about things you'll tell me, if not, then you don't but I don't ask or bother you about it"
Finch was stunned, did he really make John feel that pushed out
"John I don't want you to feel left out but I'm not used to all this and I don't know how to say how I feel, its all alien to me"
"I know but I hoped in time you would share a little more. But its fine"
"John I'm confused as to all the emotions going around my head. I'm not used to feeling things any more, but I'm trying"
"I know you are but you need to stop analysing them, just go with it"
"but its my nature to"
John pulled Finch onto his back and he wriggled between his legs
"look at me H"
"I am"
"not properly I'm insecure at times and scared but I don't analysis it, I hug or touch you and it goes away" said John stroking Finch's cheek
"really? That works" said finch stunned by the notion that ignoring it helped
"try it" said John
Finch moved his hand to John's cheek and stroked it, then moved it round to his neck "kiss me" he whispered and John did, it was a short, small kiss then Finch held John tighter and made it stronger with more passion, and it did all wash away. Finch pulled back and smiled
"it worked"
"see I told you it would. I know no matter how bad I feel just touching you or kissing you, that you WILL respond and that's all I need to ground me again"
"I'll remember that in future" smiled Finch "I love you" and he pulled John into a strong embrace
"can we get up now?" asked John
"yes OK"
John kissed Finch again then got up "shall I run the bath for now?"
"yes sounds good" smiled Finch as he slowly swung his legs out of bed, he was stiff but a bath sounded good, warm water soaking it, with John mixed in sounded amazing. He stayed sat on the edge till John returned.
John smiled "you ready for this?" he asked so sincerely
"yes" said Finch "though my legs stiff
John went to his side and knelt before him, placing his hand on Finch's good knee "you be OK in the bath?"
"yes it sounds an amazing idea"
"amazing? Wow, Strong word for you" smiled John.
"well I am changing for the better and I was thinking warm water, soaking my leg will be good but add you into it and it amazing. I'll enjoy it"
John smiled "I do love you" and he kissed him "hand up" he said while standing
Finch hated help but knew John wouldn't see it as weakness but make him feel helpful.
"please" he said and took John's hand then they walked across to the bathroom.