A/N Recognizable characters - not mine. Almost Priest-ward and Surfsper plotline and characterizations of said not-my-characters - all mine. Just bringing my toys to play in SM's sandbox

Okay, someone wished me Happy AoG Anniversary and I, like a sucky hubs, didn't know anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has been there from the beginning and there are an amazing number of you. xoxoxo

Last part in the A Place to Call Home Chapters! This is a big one, and for all you Surfsper lovers, he's gonna be back in the following chap!

Bete'd by the lovely Savannah Vee and SarahAH30 - I love them lots along with the rest of Team AoG. – Brace yourself.

Chapter 21 A Place to Call Home IV

Of course it's dead. I threw my cell phone against the wall and watched it break in three pieces.

Why did I even come back here? There's no place for me to go.

Was Bridget right? Have I hidden behind Bella all these years? Has she really been waiting all this time for me? I miss her. I miss Fr. Carlisle. Life was so simple and structured at the seminary. My life had purpose and I was good at it. Was it all just something to hide behind? Was I using them or being used? I miss…

The memory of Jasper singing on the beach flooded my memory. The way his eyes crinkled in the light of the fire and the way our toes touched under sand and no one noticed.

I wasn't hiding with J, was I?

My head hurt so much; I lay down again and closed my eyes as one silent tear fell onto Seth's pillow case.

Something startled me awake, I'm unsure whether it was a dream, but any further sleep was out of the question.

For someone, who just woke up, I was so tired. I was tired of being the best best-friend, seminary student, brother, son, friend, youth counselor, mediator, homily giver, marketer for the church. I was tired of being everything for everyone.

Why does it always have to be me?

Like so many times before, I pulled out my well-worn bible for answers I certainly didn't have myself. Flipping through verses I thought of what I might counsel a parishioner to do, faced with this type of confusion. Could it be as simple as Matthew 7 verse 7? "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."

After staring at the two small cracks in the ceiling for over an hour, I decided it was time to do something, anything. For me, this house represented Alice and the loss of everything good that surrounded her.

Maybe it was time it didn't.

I found long flat boxes stacked up in the corner and opened the top one. There were dozens, maybe hundreds of pictures of my nieces and nephews in no particular order. The next three boxes contained more of the same. Seth and I were mixed into the third box because we were about the same age as them. Some of the pictures I had seen, but most I hadn't. Mom was in several of them, so I guessed they were Bridget's, Liam or Maggie's.

She looked, happy. Sometimes I forgot how happy she was back then. I didn't miss that there were no pictures of Alice in any of these boxes either.

I kept digging through the stacks of pictures. I had seen many of these pictures growing up, but it was nice seeing them again. I had to chuckle to myself on the amount of pictures for my older brothers and sisters, versus the ones of Garrett, Alice, Seth and I. It was always one of our biggest complaints.

Alice used to swear mom and dad would recycle pictures of the older kids baby pictures when we needed them for a project for school. She insisted on taking a lot of pictures growing up.

Where did they all disappear to?

I got through all the boxes and was nostalgic and upset.

How could they just eradicate her? Why would they?

Sound of movement downstairs alerted me that it must be morning. I debated on whether to go back to bed or confront my mother. In the end, I chose comfort; I showered and headed to mass.

Mom seemed surprised to see me in the back row as she was walking out.

Ask her about the pictures.

I simply smiled tightly as she passed me. I don't know why I didn't ask her, I just didn't.

Ordination day came and went. I called and left messages on the numbers I could remember during the actual ordination, knowing no one would pick up their phone. My cell phone remained in the pieces it broke into against the wall. I still had no inclination of putting it back together or talking to anyone. It just made remembering numbers difficult. I never realized how dependent I'd become on my stored address book.

Over the next couple of weeks, I got into a comfortable routine of going to church and assisting with all my nieces and nephews. I found great solace in helping out with the youth group at our church and remembered why I sought out the church in the first place. I picked up the routine of the house fairly quickly and enjoyed spending time with my family. It was dizzying to keep track of everything that everyone had going on. There was something going on every night whether it was soccer, ballet, scouts, plays, dates. It was crazy and offered a wonderful distraction, except at night of course. It seemed even God couldn't keep those thoughts at bay.

Each one of my brothers and sisters had either come over for awkward small talk or called the house. The only one I hadn't talked to was Seth and I missed him even though we didn't talk as often as I would have liked. Why I was home was still the elephant in the room, but no one, including my dad pushed me on the subject. Dad even asked one night if I wanted to go to the K of C meeting with him. He looked relieved as I was when I declined politely.

I tried to ask Mom about the pictures of Alice several times, but she was quite adept at dismissing and evading the question. My sisters were no help either. Everyone seemed on higher alert though. They were all surprised that anything Alice related had disappeared, but no one was publicly acknowledging it or asking Mom about it.

Finally, Seth called the house. "Eddie! You are alive! What the hell, dude? You bail on your ordination. You don't answer your phone or texts. Your mailbox is full by the way. And what's with mom running interference?"

I couldn't help but smile.

"Wow, hey little bro."

"That's all I get? You've been hanging out with Garrett too much."

I snorted. "Yeah well, there's not much to do here at Grand Central Station."

"I know right? So, no ordination? You okay?"

"Yeah, it was just too much, too soon, you know?"

"I guess, but it's kinda out of left field. Last time we talked, everything was right on track and you were the Church's golden boy. What ya do, eat an apple?" He teased.

I debated on what to say.

"More like I noticed there were apples on the tree."

"Um, college student here. This conversation is getting a little too metaphorical for me, English please."

"I just started to see things differently and it made me question whether I was making the right choice."

There was silence on the line for a long time.

"Then you did the right thing, bro. Figure shit out."

"That's was I'm trying to do."

"Is that why you're there?"

"I guess."

I could practically hear the gears turning in his head.

"Too bad Mom and Dad don't have an X-Box, we could play. I took it when I left, sorry."

I smiled, grateful for the change in subject.

"Yeah, maybe I'll sneak over to Sam or Garrett's. I've been playing with Em and Jasper, so watch out, college boy." I taunted.

"Who's Jasper? One of Emmett's friends?"

"Kind of. He's Rosalie, Bella's roommate's, brother, Jasper Hale. He's a surfer." I answered tentatively.

"Jasper Hale! You play X-Box with Jasper Freaking Hale? I have magazines with him in it. He's not just a surfer, he's a surfer GOD!"

I snickered. Well, he thinks so too, little brother.

"Yeah, he taught me how to surf, or at least how to stand up on a board. He's a nice guy, I really like him."

Memories of morning coffees, and vanilla creamer, shows in the motorhome and jealous Jasper in the dessert overtook all thoughts for a moment.

"Do you think you could get him to autograph a poster for my dorm? Ed, are your listening to me? Eddie!"

"Sure," I answered, wondering if I should call or text him to just say hi.

Seth droned on about some energy drink that was his new sponsor. I smiled thinking about kite surfing, until I remembered him raging at the tide that last night.

Shaking that image out of my head, I reminded myself, he's happy and surfing and where he needs to be.

"-Hey Seth" I interrupt.

"What? I was talking about Hale, Mr. Interrupter. Did you seriously not appreciate who you were spending time with? Typical."

"-I'm sorry, but I just remembered something, and you're the only one I haven't asked."

"Kay, what?"

"Do you know where all the pictures of Alice went?"

There was a long silence on the line.

"Seth?"

"Why are you looking for them?" He asked hesitantly.

"She's my sister, Seth. I just want to see her face again. Do you know where the pictures went?"

"Yeah, I probably know. But maybe things are better left alone, ya know?"

"No, I don't know."

"Listen, I know you haven't been around a lot and believe me, I understand, but you remember how Mom was back then, she was a mess. She's honestly better now. You have Bella and the church, but all she has is us. Please don't bring up old shit, better left in the past."

"What is it with everyone? She was our sister, our light! Why is everyone willing to hide her under the rug and pretend she doesn't exist?"

"E, I loved her as much as anyone, but her death broke us, all of us in different ways! Forgive me if I don't want to go back to that place again."

I got it, but I didn't. I couldn't wrap my head around how the price of familial harmony rested on pretending Alice didn't exist.

"Seth?" I questioned quietly. "Where are they, I promise I won't stir up anything. I just want to see her again." Then I added in a whisper, "Sometimes I think I've forgotten what she looks like."

He huffed. "The stuff is in the attic. I put it there, but I think the stuff you're looking for is at the bottom of mom's closet."

"Whaaaat?"

"I found it years ago when I was playing hide and seek with Tanner. He was looking at them when I found him. It's just a bunch of old pictures. There's some of us as kids. It's hard for her, E. The little kids ask questions and I think she just can't answer."

I nodded, even though he couldn't see me.

It was weird going into their room. I don't think it had changed in years. It smelled like dad's cigarettes and mom's perfume, an odd, but completely comforting combination.

I found the box buried under a stack of sweaters. It was older than the boxes in the scrapbook room and the lid was broken in the corners. I stared at it a long time. I don't know why it was so hard to open, but it was. Part of me wanted to leave it where I found it, and honor Seth's request.

I don't know why John 8, verse 32 came to mind, but it did. "And you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

After putting the sweater back in the closet, I took the box back into Seth's room and locked myself in.

The box was huge. I delved into the box and smiled as I went over picture after picture. She was so full of life. She was always dragging Bella and I somewhere. There were pictures of us in the garage under the cars Sam and Liam were forever working on. I had forgotten the ones of Alice and Bella reading under the piano as I practiced. Then there were the pictures our first communions and all the crazy Christmases, Thanksgivings and Easters, so many happy memories.

Even the picture of Riley and Alice going off to the dance was in there. I had a hard time looking at it. In that moment, I thought I understood a little of why Mom took them down. These were personal.

I wanted a couple to take with me. I wonder if Mom will notice if any of these are missing?

There was one picture left, stuck in the corner of the box. Instead of yanking on it and risk tearing it, I flipped the box over to shake it out. The picture fell out with cardboard stabilizer at the bottom of the box and more pictures.

The first picture was of Alice's baptism. I was only two back then. It was a simple picture of father's hand over Alice's head, but the ring on the priest's hand shocked me. I had seen it thousand times and my understanding was that it was an original design.

The other pictures were of Mom and Alice and I. There were so few of Mom in any of the boxes that these stood out. She was happy, radiant even. She had kept Alice in her arms and was talking to someone that was holding me on his lap. His body was cut off, but the ring on his hand that was holding me, wasn't.

I felt sick. It simply couldn't be true. I needed an explanation.

Without thinking, I raced to my suitcase to find my phone. Remembering it was on the floor, I quickly put it together and waited for it to boot up. It blinked once and then turned itself off. Frustrated, I threw it back against the wall and ran down the stairs to the kitchen phone.

I knew the number by heart and dialed.

It was picked up on the first ring. Before I could say anything I heard a frantic, familiar voice on the other end.

"Esme? Are you okay?" Slack-jawed, I couldn't speak.

"Is he okay?" I shook my head, but I still had no words.

"I'm coming, don't try to stop me. He needs me. You need me."

I made what can only be described at a squawk into the phone.

"Edward, is that you? Son, talk to me."

I dropped the picture and the phone and walked out of the house.

AN - Ducks as runs – Are you mad at me? This was always in the outline. AND it shaped how our beloved Almost-Priestward came to be who he is today.

Someone you thought you guessed it was Esme that Father C was talking to, not Bella at the rectory in the seminary. :) You were right.

Happy Belated Anniversary AoG family. I truly love ya and appreciate you reading, critiquing, offering support, patience, frustration and love.

Missing Surfsper? I am. He's coming up next. Any guesses what tattoo he got?