Chapter Twenty One – Bella
It was the first time I'd seen Alice speechless. Her astonished gaze wandered from me to Edward and back to me again. I could see she was missing nothing: not his disheveled hair or the fact I was wearing very little. Given the evidence, it wasn't difficult to put two and two together. I couldn't make sense of her expression. Fury was there, and I'd expected it, but there was something else, something bigger than confusion, something I couldn't quite comprehend.
"Alice?" I asked again, because she didn't respond the first time around. But even the simplest question came out in a blur. I was too flustered about her finding out that way. She wasn't stupid. She'd obviously put figured it out by now. "What are you – how did you know where to – did Anya tell you where I was?"
"I didn't know you'd be here."
"Then what are you…" My query was cut short as the meaning of her statement slowly sank in. My eyes flickered from her to him. Edward was motionless. He just… stood there, staring at her in what could only be explained as disbelief. The strangest feeling was crawling under my skin, impossible to shake off. Something was very wrong here. "What's going on?" I hated the quiver in my voice.
Alice didn't mind me now. Her eyes were all for him. "Is that her? The girl you wouldn't tell me about?" There was the tiniest note of accusation in her voice. Then she looked at me. "Is this why you've been acting so strange lately, why you came back so late that other night?" I nodded. There was no point to deny anything now. "How long has this been going on?"
"Alice, please – "
"How long?" she cut me off, her eyes flaring.
Edward beat me to the answer. "Since after Christmas break."
She stared at him as the new information sank in. There was a pause, and then she exploded. "I can't believe that all this time… the two of you… behind my back? Do you realize what have you done? How could you possibly keep this away from me?"
She was speaking about both of us, but she was clearly addressing him. He stood there with his head bowed and his eyes on the carpet, like a reproached schoolboy, as she kept bombing him with accusations and rhetorical questions. I stared at the two of them as my mind struggled to grasp what was going on. There was something I was missing. Although I'd never heard him mention her name, Alice was no stranger to Edward, not by the way he looked at her, or the way she addressed him. He must have known her, I reminded myself, or she wouldn't be here, because she said she didn't come here intentionally looking for me. But that made little sense as well. How would she know him? She had never mentioned… unless…
Unless I had misplaced jealousy for accusation earlier.
That was it, then. It made perfect sense. Somehow, I'd missed what had been right under of my nose. I'd been too wrapped up after him to realize he'd never been mine after all. I didn't care for the bits that didn't match, like how Alice had never said anything about seeing him, or the fact she seemed head over heels in love with Jasper, the fact that Edward had just told me he loved me less than an hour ago, or the vivid memory of last night, that so far had provided me with all the confirmation I needed as for how he felt for me. Those minor contradictions seemed meaningless comparing with the bigger truth.
Humiliation hit me hard, like a blow to my stomach. I nearly doubled over with its force. My knees began to give way again, like they did earlier when I first noticed Alice there. My hands clenched into fists on my sides as I struggled to get myself together.
Suddenly it all seemed so clear. Of course he'd have someone else. How could I allude myself that way? It had never made sense for him to love me in the first place. I was naïve and stupid and blind. I let him dazzle me with words and kisses and empty promises. I fell for all of it, I fell for him, like I'd never had in my life. I trusted him completely. This trust was quickly crumpling as the memory of last night shifted from confirmation to admonition. No more than an hour ago I was reluctant to leave him. Now there was nothing I wanted more than putting my clothes back on and getting the hell out of here.
But before I could take one step back, Alice's eyes were back on mine again as she let out a laugh. The sound was bitter. "I can't believe this."
"Alice, I can explain everything…" I faltered, horrified with myself. Why was I apologizing?
"Wait, do you know each other?" I sort of expected him to figure out the answer himself by now, but he seemed as if he'd been snapped out of some trance, as if this truth had only just dawned on him.
I couldn't decode the shadow that crossed Alice's expression. She looked almost… scared to face him. She seemed to have difficulty to meet his eyes, and she deliberated before replying. "Bella is my roommate." It sounded like she was admitting some horrible crime.
"Bella is what?" His eyes darted between the two of us. My own confusion was reflected in his stare. "But you said there was a French opera s – "
I stood there staring at them, at loss again. They weren't making any sense. Nothing of this was making any sense. This was not a lovers' quarrel, not a predictable one, anyway. But I didn't want to stay until it got there. I couldn't watch. I couldn't stay there.
I turned the way I'd come, and hurried into the bedroom.
I heard him calling after me. I shut the door and leaned against it, releasing a shaky breath. I needed to get myself together, get dressed and leave. I'd have enough time to fall apart later, in the safety of my own room.
A soft knock came on the door, making me jump away from it with a start. "Bella?"
My name, always a caress through his lips, sounded almost poisonous now. I closed my eyes tightly, refusing to let the sweetness of his voice have any affect on me. I wasn't going to make that mistake again. I could feel the moisture around my eyes now, the familiar tightness down my throat. I wouldn't cry. Not yet. I moved about the room, keeping myself busy with finding my clothes.
"Bella, please let me in." He didn't try to jiggle the doorknob, as if he knew the door was unlocked. He didn't try to barge in.
"No," I murmured, slipping my tanktop on. I doubted if he could even hear me. I knew my sweater was still out there, as were my coat and shoes. I didn't look back at the bed when I left the room.
He was still in the hallway when I stepped out. I walked passed him and down the hall. He caught up with me, and held me by the wrist. I shoved his hand away and ignored his pleading stare. I spotted my sweater on the piano and snatched it, trying very hard not to think, not to look at him, when I put it on.
"Bella – "
"Don't," I cut him off. I ignored the tremor in my voice. Despite everything, there was a bit of dignity left in me. I was determined to get out of here without falling apart. "I just want to get out of here."
"Bella, you don't understand…"
"I don't want to understand," I snapped. My boots were next to the door. I just stuck my feet into them. I'd zip them properly on the elevator.
"Bella, wait," Alice pleaded. Again, her expression was a riddle to me. Remorse was stronger than anything else. I didn't linger to figure it out. I risked a last glimpse of him before I was out of the door.
xoxox
Dozing off seemed to be the perfect escape, but my body was too alert to just give in to it. My mind was playing one memory after another as I struggled to find any hint at all in their behavior about what was going on, but there was none. I tried very hard to repress any memory of the night before. I didn't want to remember the way he touched me, or kissed me, or said my name in a broken whisper. It hurt too much. Was it all an act, then? Was this morning an act, too? He sounded so sincere. Was I only hearing what I wanted to hear?
I didn't realize I'd fallen asleep until voices cut off the frenzied images in my mind.
"Shh, I think she's asleep," I recognized Alice's whisper. "Bella?" she asked anyway. I chose to pretend. I couldn't handle a confrontation just now.
"Don't, let her sleep." His voice startled me, almost giving me in. I muffled my gasp in my pillow. What was he doing here?
From over my head, I heard him sigh. "Edward, don't worry about it. I'll fix everything. I'll talk to her. I swear. I promise."
"This is just what I'm scared of, Alice, you're fixing everything." His voice was sarcastic, almost bitter.
"I was only trying to help."
"By lying to me? To her?"
"You weren't very honest with me, either!" she hissed.
"I was trying to protect her!"
"I can't believe it was her all along. During the summer, the first few months, Christmas?"
I cringed. I hadn't expected it to be a long term thing between them. But then again why wouldn't it be?
"I really don't think we should do this now. I don't want her to wake up and find me here."
Coward, I thought, shutting my eyes tighter.
"Fine, whatever," she muttered.
"Please let me know when she wakes up. I'll come up later."
His voice sounded a bit farther now, by the door. I thought I heard him kissing her. I didn't bother to look up and check. There was a murmured exchange by the door, too quiet for my ears, and then Alice closed it behind him and sighed.
"I'm sorry," she whispered into the air. If I hadn't known her better, I would have thought she was crying.
xoxox
When I next opened my eyes, I was alone in the room. I sat up slowly, letting my eyes adjust to the semi-darkness. Alice must have shut the window so I could sleep. That was nice of her, I guess. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about this whole thing. Did it put an end to our friendship now that I knew the truth about her and Edward? Could I possibly resent her for him choosing her over me? She was my closest friend here. Losing her because of a guy seemed so cliché, so unnecessary.
I didn't know what time it was, or even if it was the same day. Exhaustion filled me to the core. I was weary of crying. I desperately needed a shower. I vaguely remembered taking a quick shower this morning before this fiasco began, but it felt like ages ago. And I could still feel his scent on me. I wanted to wipe every trace of it, as if it would somehow enhance forgetting. I wished memories were so easy to erase.
The door opened a crack, and Alice's eyes met mine before I could make a decision to feign sleep again.
"You're awake," she exclaimed, and rushed in. I eyed her uncertainly as she came to sit on my bed. I didn't know what to say to her, how to start. In my hazy state of mind, I could barely remember my own name.
"I brought you a sandwich and some hot chocolate," she said, holding up the bag she was holding. It had a Starbucks logo on it. I didn't say anything. She shrugged and put it on our desk before she reclaimed her previous seat on my bed. Then she gave me a closer, more careful look. "How are you doing?"
There was no point going in circles. "I've been better," I replied tersely. I was shocked at how raspy my voice had sounded.
"Bella, I'm so terribly sorry. I know it must have been horrible for you to find out that way, but please understand I had no intention in hurting you… neither of you." She stopped to examine my face again. "I spent the entire morning with Edward, telling him the truth."
"The truth?" I echoed. Shouldn't he know the truth, given he'd kept it away from me all along?
"He's so worried about you. He thinks you will never forgive him. You must forgive him, Bella. He had nothing to do with this."
"No. It just happened."
She missed the sarcasm in my retort. "Exactly. It was all just wretched coincidence. Nothing really happened, when you come to think of it. Everything will look brighter in the morning."
"Nothing happened?" I gawked at her in disbelief. "You… you lied to me, Alice, you both did! Edward led me on for who knows how long, you led Jasper on – "
"Jasper?" she cut me off, her brows furrowing in confusion. "How did Jasper get into this conversation?"
"Isn't that something you should ask yourself? I thought that you and him – "
"It has nothing to do with me and Jasper!"
"It has everything to do with you and Jasper!" I yelled at her. How could she be so dense? "You're telling me you're crazy about Jasper, that you were destined to be together, no less, and yet all the while you and Edward – "
"Wait," she stopped me, raising one arm. Then she looked at me strangely. "Bella, I think you misunderstood something."
I snorted. Some misunderstanding, this was.
"Bella, Edward and I are not together. Not in the way you think."
She said it very slowly, as if I were a child. I rolled my eyes and scoffed. Surely she didn't think I was that gullible.
She sighed. "Maybe I'd better start at the beginning."
"It's a bit late for the beginning."
"No, it's not, because you need to know this."
"I don't need to know anything, Alice, I don't want to know."
"Ugh!" she cried out, and there was clear frustration in the sound. "Will you stop being so difficult for one minute and just listen? I'm trying to tell you the truth because obviously you got things wrong this morning."
"What are you talking about?" I couldn't help curiosity from sneaking into my voice.
"Do you remember how, during our first week here, you asked me if we have met before?"
It seemed like so long ago now, but I remembered. The recollection lingered at the back of my mind, forgotten until now. I nodded.
"I lied to you that day. We have met before. I knew it as soon as I've seen you at the auditions, as soon as they announced your name."
That memory was vague, but still there. There was that unexplained recognition in her stare the first time our eyes met. Those same eyes were locked on mine now, strangely intent. I watched her questionably, but I hadn't expected her next words.
"You came to my cousin's wedding two years ago."
Her cousin's wedding two years ago… surely she didn't mean…
A gasp escaped me at the same moment she nodded somberly. "Edward is my cousin."
She lied to me. Nothing was as clear as this fact. And all the tiny contradictions suddenly fell into place. She'd been so flustered because she thought I'd recognized her from the wedding, not from the auditions. She had claimed not to know Forks, although only a few hours ago I heard her comment about Edward's behavior during the summer and Christmas. I remembered feeling ridiculous for insisting on seeing her before. I also remembered her careless dismissal. I've never met you in my life, she'd said. She'd lied.
"Why would you hide this from me?"
I didn't realize I asked it aloud until I saw her face. "Because I saw the way he was looking at you during that wedding. He didn't know I was looking. He doesn't like it when I interfere in his life, but that doesn't mean I don't see. And I saw what looking at you did to him, even before he understood it. I saw the complete mess he'd become, and how impossible it was for him to get you out of his mind. When they said your name at the audition, it was like going back in time. I knew Edward was in that auditorium playing, and while I was sure he'd recognize you, I thought he'd never have the courage to actually talk to you. Shows how little I know him, really," she chuckled sadly. "When I got my room assignments and your name was on it, and I knew it had to be a sign. You were meant to be my roommate. Just like I was meant…" she faltered, and looked at me kind of fretfully. It was the same look she'd given Edward earlier that day. "Just like I was meant to get you two together."
And then it all made sense. As twisted as it was, it did. I'm really glad they paired us together. It was more than just a friendly compliment. And now, suddenly, something else had occurred to me. I felt incredibly dizzy as the truth came crushing at me. "You never had a brother," I whispered as this realization hit me.
She shook her head, keeping her gaze locked on mine. "Just a cousin I love very much. Edward Anthony Cullen."
The name burnt a hole through my heart.
"I should have told you directly. I wanted to, so many times. Especially when you told me you broke up with Jacob. I had no right to do this to you, to neither of you. I never told Edward you were my roommate. I was trying to talk both of you into meeting each other, hoping you'd figure it all out as soon as you saw each other. I didn't know you'd somehow meet here, I didn't know you had a class together. And then Jasper came along and sidetracked me. And eventually, somehow you did a better job getting together than I did in trying to get you together. Bella, please," she said, suddenly clasping my hand. "He didn't have anything to do with this. He's a victim of the circumstances, just as you are. He'll never forgive me if I don't convince you to come back. He loves you so much."
Was he a victim of the circumstances? I remembered his vague talk about his cousin, how she had never seemed to come up in conversations even though they were supposed to be very close, how he claimed to be telling me about her when he'd never done. He said he didn't like telling me about his family because he was scared to drive me away. Was that all he was scared of, really? What if he was in this with her?
But even if he were, for which purpose? There was really no point to go through all this trouble. Or maybe it wasn't that much of a trouble, not really. Maybe I'd just made it easier for him because I'd been willing to believe the lie. I knew he'd known the affect he'd had on me, but I'd never thought of him as one of those guys who'd use it, who would go that far to get what they wanted. Showed me how little I'd known him. At least that was something I still had in common with Alice.
"Bella, please say something."
"I can't…" I spoke through tears. I could feel them on my cheeks. I wasn't making much sense. I cleared my throat, struggling to speak again. My mind was a blur. "I don't want to talk about it just now."
"At least give him a call so he'll know you're okay," she pleaded, handing me her cell phone. I shoved it aside, using more force than I'd intended. It fell on the bedspread. I owed him nothing.
"Bella, honey, I know you're upset, I would be, too, if – "
"I'm not upset," I contradicted her, my voice breaking on a sob. I was more than upset. I was furious, but with myself for falling into their trap, into his trap. Was it all a lie then? Was last night the final step of his extremely elaborated scheme?
"I'll understand if you never want to speak to me again. You have every right to. But please, please believe me he had nothing to do with this."
"Why would I believe you?" I spattered, crying openly now. I didn't care she was right there, that she flinched ever so slightly at the sight of those first tears. If this was the consequence of something she'd done, I wanted her to witness it.
"Because even though I did a horrible thing, I'm still your friend and I love you. I care about you. And I care about him, too. I hate to see what this thing will do to you."
"You really should have thought about this before, shouldn't you?"
My question clearly hit home. She seemed stung. I regretted it instantly, but didn't apologize.
"I just want to be alone," I whispered. She didn't say anything, but her expression was grave. She nodded and got up, then slowly left the room. I pulled the covers over my head and cried myself to sleep again.
This time, sleep wasn't much of an escape, either. I spent a long while tossing and turning, and when I finally sank under, I wasn't alone. There were voices, images, shadows, all around me, making me wonder if I'd been asleep at all. They mixed into one another into an echoing sequence, and I was forced to watch and listen.
What I'm trying to say is that I like you. I like you a lot.
It annoys him when I try to set him up with girls. You know what, you'll do perfectly.
Well, for once, I really want to finish that kiss.
He'd already been burnt once.
I love you.
"Bella."
I grunted. This voice was closer than the others. Someone was trying to pull the blanket from my face. I resisted, pulling it the other way.
"Bella, I know you're awake."
I held back a gasp as consciousness, and with it realization, threw itself upon me. My entire body tensed. He was back. For a moment, it didn't matter I was furious with him, furious with everyone. It didn't matter that I was hurt and angry and upset. In spite of everything, my heart lifted at the sound of his voice, soft and worried and truly there.
"Bella, please?"
I let go of the blanket. As he could feel the absence of resistance, he drew it back. I blinked. The room was dimly lit. Only our reading lamp was on. I didn't know what time it was, or how long I'd been out. No light came from the window, so I assumed it was evening, or late afternoon. He was sitting on the edge of my bed, and a hint of a smile brightened his gruesome expression when our eyes met. It was hard to remember that only yesterday, only this morning, everything still seemed to perfect.
But everything wasn't perfect. They lied to me. I couldn't figure out why, but they did. He did. The sense of betrayal was overwhelming. I felt the familiar sting in my eyes as this realization hit again.
He cringed, a reaction to my tears, I assumed. He reached out as if to touch my face. I flinched back as if he had meant to slap me. The motion seemed to startle him. He froze.
"I'm sorry," he said, so quietly it was almost a whisper. His hand remained suspended in the air for a second before he slowly lowered it to his lap. "Bella, I'm so sorry about everything. Alice says you think I had something to do with this, but I would never… I could never…"
"I don't want to hear this."
"Okay. I understand. I just wanted you to hear it from me. This is exactly what I meant about my family interfering, this is exactly why I haven't – " He sighed, and shook his head. "I guess the damage has been done anyway."
I didn't respond. I could barely look at him.
"Last night – "
I shook my head, and his voice trailed off. The memory was still too poignant, and far too painful. I couldn't handle hearing him speak it, too. It would make it all too real. "I think… we were taking things too fast," I heard myself say. I cringed inwardly, because I knew what was coming next, what had to come next. I looked up at him, trying to block the misery in his expression, trying harder to ignore mine. "And I think I want you to go now."
He didn't look stunned, just extremely sad. "Bella – "
"Please?" My voice broke. I saw him wince. I forced my eyes on his. I meant it.
He deliberated, but then nodded. "Okay. Alright, I'll go. Just… promise you'll call me, when you're better. There are… things to be said."
I kept my eyes on the bedspread.
"Bella?"
"Yeah. Okay. I promise," I replied harshly. I didn't look up to meet his stare. If I did, he would know I was lying.
I kept my gaze low until I heard the door being shut. His footsteps echoed down the hall, until they disappeared altogether. I took a deep breath, and nearly chocked on another sob. I wanted to scream, or break something, or do anything to let out that despair that had been bottled up in me throughout the day and couldn't be released through sleep, but it went deeper than that. It was going to leave a scar, I could tell. I just sat there, numb and lifeless, with my knees pressed to my chest, stupidly hoping it would be enough to prevent myself from falling apart, as hopelessness slowly washed over me.