Chapter 20 (February 1862)
"It was a beautiful wedding, wasn't it? Well, weddings, really. Teaspoon pulling Rachel to his side after giving the Bride away and asking the preacher if there was room for two more... I think they managed to shock all of Rock Creek" Buck cast a sideways glace to Lou sitting next to him on the buckboard as they headed home to the ranch.
Theresa and Jeremiah rode in the back. It had been a long day of making food, setting up tables and decorations, the actual wedding and then the party afterwards. Everyone was tired, Lou especially. She had been extra quiet and distant throughout the day. He figured it had to be hard on her, remembering her own wedding and how all that turned out, much less running around helping as much as she had with her ever growing belly. Lou blinked a couple times and pulled her lap blanket up to her shoulders.
"Hmph... at least all the old biddies can quit their yammering bout Teaspoon and Rachel livin in sin. S'pose doing it like that fits Teaspoon's dramatic way. I'm just glad Rachel was game for it and that Amanda and Janusz didn't mind sharing their special day."
"There could have been a blizzard outside, no food and no guests and I think Mr and Mrs Tarkoski still would've been happy." Buck couldn't help but smile remembering the goofy grins both Amanda and Janusz had worn all day.
"I know. I've never seen a bride so happy... including myself I think." Lou muttered. She saw the questioning look on Buck's face and quickly continued.
"It was meant to be. She wanted to get married quickly and here comes Valentine's day, right on a Friday. You know what my favorite part was though? Aside from watchin every single mouth drop open when Rachel and Teaspoon stepped forward to get married too? As I was standin up there like some sort of moose in a dress watching Amanda float down the isle, she only had eyes for Janusz, and his face... that was my favorite part. His face looked like some flower reaching for the first bit of light from the morning sun." Lou dropped her eyes. She rarely voiced such fanciful thoughts. Buck raised an eyebrow and smiled.
"You're pretty in your dress, not like a moose at all" Buck elbowed her gently "but you're right. That's exactly what he looked like, that's a beautiful picture Lou" He leaned towards her to try and catch her eye. She shifted uncomfortably on the bench, brow furrowing slightly.
"Well, it's all Shakespeare's fault, way we've been reading him all winter... " Lou looked behind her and saw in the low light of twilight Theresa leaning in to Jeremiah, eyes closed. Jeremiah's unfocused gaze showed how tired he was as well as he stared into the darkness. Lou turned back around. Jeremiah had managed to dance with quite a few young ladies from town. He had balked initially when Buck and Lou had approached him right after Christmas and said that since the ranch was up and running, there was really no reason why he shouldn't go to school at least for another year. He had grumbled and complained the night before his first day, but came home oddly silent on the matter. Rachel confirmed what they had suspected. There were several pretty girls in his class and they were very friendly to him. Seems like you couldn't throw a stone without hitting someone falling in love, in love, or comfortable in a lasting love. It made Lou grumpy... and then there was that whole conversation she had with Amanda last night to consider...
"Com'ere, you're tired." Buck said as he lifted his arm over Lou's shoulder. Lou thought about resisting for a second, this was not helping her disprove Amanda's theory, but instead she sighed and scooted in to his warmth and allowed herself to relax. She let her mind drift to the night before as the steady rhythm of Buck's breathing soothed her.
"Can you you believe it? By this time tomorrow night I will be Mrs Tarkoski! and we'll be on our way to our Honeymoon!" Amanda did a little twirl around her room above the saloon and then bounced down onto the bed next to Lou, who, as the maid of honor, was spending the night. Lou giggled. Amanda sat cross legged in front of her surrounded by a white lace gown and white silk robe, part of her wedding trousseau. In the corner of the room hung her actual wedding dress that was more of the same; beautiful, white, silk and lace. Amanda's cheeks were pink and her eyes bright, her joy was contagious.
"What I can't believe, is that the first time Jausz will be seeing all this," Lou said teasingly as she reached over to feel the lace hem of Amanda's gown, "is tomorrow night after the wedding!"
Amanda groaned and flopped down on the bed. Lou laid down next to her, scooting from side to side until both she and her belly were comfortable.
"I know! It's a new experience for me, that's for sure. Always said I was a lady, Janusz is the first man to really treat me like one, even at his own expense. After he proposed to me, I made it clear he could move his things out of the back of his shop and stay with me, but he wouldn't hear of it. Said it didn't matter if we had shared a bed with others, when we shared a bed together for the first time, it would sacred, blessed by God even. Why do you think I rushed this wedding? Every night those goodnight kisses get a little longer... it's about driving me mad!"
Lou had to smile at Amanda's honesty.
"Well I'm glad you'll get that one night in a hotel before going on to Janusz's sister's house in Iowa. That's going to be a long trip and then once you reach that house full of family and kids? You ain't gonna have much privacy."
"Oh I know. Doesn't matter, I'll make use of the privacy we get, I'll get creative if I have to! and I'm just so happy he'll get to see his family... it's been such a long time since he saw them last. I want to meet them anyway. They'll be my family too now."
Amanda reached over and gave Lou's hand a little squeeze.
"I'll be getting a new sister tomorrow, but know you were there first."
Lou struggled to sit up and met Amanda's heartfelt gaze.
"Amanda, I don't, well I mean you know how much you... um, thank you." Lou felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes. She glaced up at Amanda and saw the same. Before Lou could move away in embarrassment Amanda wrapped her up into a hug, and after a second, Lou hugged her back.
"It's meant a lot when you've stopped by during the day. I know it takes you away from your work, but with Buck being a deputy now and Jeremiah off at school with Theresa during the day, it's been lonesome out there lately." Lou eyed the floral pattern on the bedspread. She had been more lonely than she'd ever truly admit.
"Rachel was telling me all bout Jeremiah complaining he's too old for school, which he's not by the way, but that he went, dragging his feet the whole way."
"Did she also say what he was like after his first day? Nary a complaint. Seems he sits with several pretty girls." Lou chuckled as she rolled her eyes. Amanda joined in the laughter, but her smile faded.
"I'm glad work has picked up in the Marshall's office for Teaspoon to finally be able to hire Buck on, just wish it wasn't on count of the Indian troubles out west of here."
"Yeah, he don't tell me much bout his deputy shifts, I've taken that to mean there's not much nice to tell." Lou muttered.
"Hmm, well I might able to fill you in on that a bit, but I think it will get better for him now that Cody's unit has moved further out west."
"Really? Why? Wish Cody wasn't moving on, I'm going to miss him. We all will... Cody was pretty upset about missing the weddings." Lou asked sleepily, she leaned back and propped herself up on a pillow.
"Yeah it has nothing to do with Cody. I wish he was able to come too. It's some of the men in his unit. You may not have heard much about them, but there's two big brutes especially, what are their names? Privates Steele and Ford. They come into my saloon, they're born jackasses anyways, and when they get drunk they're near insufferable. They talk about how many savages they're going to hunt down and kill, then they start to hassle my girls. My barkeep Zeke near always throws them out in the street and then more often than not Teaspoon or Buck have to drag them over to a jail cell till they sleep it off, not before they take a few cheap shots at Buck though." Amanda sighed and shook her head.
Lou narrowed her eyes and frowned.
"They're gone though you say? That's too bad. Would've been nice to knock some sense into them. I really wish he had told me he was going through that."
"That does seem odd, I know he'd be more likely to tell you things than most anyone else." Amanda looked at Lou closely.
"I know. We do talk, but not as much since the deputy job. When he's around he's doing ranch chores. There's still lots of daily things that need to be done that I can't do anymore. Makes me feel large and useless." Lou let out a little grunt in frustration as she motioned to her belly.
"He probably just doesn't want me frettin. I think when he gets home he just wants to be around peaceful things and not worry about what may be happening with the Indians out west that he can't do nothing about." Lou then let a small smile creep onto her face.
"He helps Jeremiah with his math homework or listens to Theresa go on about her kitten's newest adventures. But his favorite thing is when he gets all comfy on the couch and I read Shakespeare to him. I just sit next to him and read out loud to my heart's content. He leans back with his eyes closed, not saying much and I wonder if he's fallen asleep, but then he'll smile at some of the funny parts... so I guess he likes it." Lou blushed slightly.
She wasn't telling Amanda everything, like how she'd look forward to reading to him as she worked, skimming the book before he got home to find the best parts she knew he'd like. Or that when she sat close next to him by the fire reading, it was her favorite moment of the day.
Amanda noted the blush and cleared her throat.
"I'm sure glad it's going to work out for you and Buck to stand up for me and Janusz and Teaspoon and Rachel. When we first hatched this plan a while back, we all agreed there were no two people we'd like to have by our sides more." Amanda said as she got up to put a few more items in her trunk.
"Wish I wasn't the size of a cow, but yeah, there's no place I'd rather be, than standing for you... and Rachel. Sides it will give me the best view of everyone else when Teaspoon has Rachel join him up there. They'll be so surprised, jaws will be on the floor." Lou said with a small chuckle. Then she stopped suddenly and put her hand on her stomach and let out a little gasp.
"Amanda! Quick, put your hand here! Oh the wee one's kicking a lot today, you should be able to feel that real good." Lou took Amanda's hand as she sat down and put in on her belly. Amanda felt the movement and laughed.
"Hello little one! I can't wait to meet you!... Lou, I can even see the kick! Does that hurt?"
"Only when she gets wedged up under my ribs... I'm callin her a girl today, tomorrow maybe I'll call her a boy, anyways watching this baby squirm is quite the entertainment at home. Even Jeremiah likes to watch the baby kick... and Buck will put his hand on my belly like you just did and say hello in Kiowa. He's certain she hears and understands him." Lou's face softened at the memory.
"I can't wait till that's me and Janusz" Amanda smiled, then she leaned back and looked at Lou seriously.
'What is it?" Lou asked, noticing Amanda's frown.
"Well... I've just been wondering for a while now, have you and Buck talked? about your future together?"
Lou's eyes grew wide and flew to Amanda's. She was deadly serious.
"I don't know what you mean. He's my friend, we run a ranch together."
"Oh come on Lou, really? Haven't you thought about this? In a couple months this blessed little baby will be joining you out on that ranch. You're going to be a wonderful mother. Jeremiah and Theresa are going to make a great aunt and uncle. Teaspoon's going to be that child's grandpa just as if he was her blood kin... Who do you think is going to be caring for that baby like a father? Who is that baby going to call "pa" when she's learning how to talk?"
Amanda noted the blush rise on Lou's cheeks and her eyes start to flash, but she didn't back down and her gaze remained steady.
"I ain't asked him to be that." Lou muttered, putting her hands on her belly.
"Yeah? Maybe not with your words, but your actions tell otherwise."
"What actions?" Lou asked, pitch higher than normal.
"Well it's in the little things. You turn to him over anyone else for comfort, touch him without even realizing you're doing it... and then there's that business with Millie Coe. Jimmy told you she was interested in him, and the few times the two of you have visited the saloon you put yourself between Buck and Millie. Why would you try and stop him for caring for another woman, if you didn't care yourself? and you know what else... I think if you opened your eyes, you'd realize Buck cares for you too, more than just a friend and that's why he'd love this baby like his own."
Lou look horrified, she dropped her eyes, unable to form a reply. Amanda sat patiently and waited.
"My god, I am a selfish fool. Amanda it hasn't been that long since Kid left, I'm still in love with him, even though I'm still angry and hate him at the same time... but maybe... god, maybe I do have feelins for Buck. When I've thought bout raising this baby, watching it grow, take it's first steps, learnin how to ride a horse... I always imagine Buck right next to me. I just accepted it, didn't even question why... but why he would even take that on? I've been holding him to me without even holding him." Lou buried her head in her hands. Amanda reached over and put a soothing hand on Lou's back.
"You'll talk to him right? He deserves to know where he stands in your life and in this child's life."
"How can I? I don't even rightly know where that is yet... and I think you're wrong. You can't know how Buck feels about me. He's always just treated me like a good friend, or sister."
Amanda raised an eyebrow and sighed. She had been around both Buck and Lou for a while now. Buck was as in love with Lou as the day was long, but it wasn't her place to make Lou see something she wasn't ready to see.
"Just think on it, alright? See if you can talk to him before the baby is born at least." Amanda got a small nod from Lou, probably the only allowance her stubborn friend would make for now.
"Want to see some of the other surprises I have for Janusz tomorrow night? As soon as we got engaged, I got these lacy things ordered from St Louis..." Amanda jumped up and went back to her truck. Buck wasn't mentioned for the rest of the evening, but he was never far from Lou's thoughts.
"Woah there." Buck pulled the reins back with one hand as he brought the buckboard into the barn. Lou startled at the sound of his voice and straightened up, moving away slightly as Buck's arm slid off her shoulders.
"Buck, I'll help you take care of the horses. Then I'm hittin the hay right after. I'm beat." Jeremiah said as he jumped off the back of the wagon.
"Sure, take the reins. I'll walk the ladies back to the house and join you in a minute." Buck tossed the reins over to Jeremiah and gave Theresa a helping hand down before coming back to Lou. He stood there, hand on hip waiting to see if she'd be in a stubborn mood and want to get down herself. Lou knew exactly what he was thinking and gave him a small smile.
"If you insist, Mr Cross." She held out her arms to him and he lifted her down, his hands staying on her waist a little longer than necessary. Lou felt her heart skip a beat as she looked into his warm brown eyes. Amanda's words haunted her. She had some thinking to do tonight and then tomorrow she owed it to him to have a good long talk.
"Um, thank you, for all your help today." She said, breaking eye contact. Buck stepped away and cleared his throat.
"Well we made a good team. Course, I don't want word of that getting out, or we'll be organizing every wedding from here to Ft. Kearney."
"Right, we've always been good partners" Lou laughed nervously and fidgeted with her hands as walked towards the house, following Theresa in. Buck looked at her strangely.
"You alright?"
"Hmm? Oh sure. I'm fine. Tired of course, going right to bed... Buck? You think we could talk tomorrow?" She asked as she stopped in the open doorway. She blinked a few times as her eyes adjusted to the light of the lamp Theresa lit behind her.
"I think that could be arranged" Buck drawled "as we manage to talk every day." He leaned against the door frame and tried to figure out what had Lou so flustered.
"Oh hush. I mean talk more serious, bout the future of the ranch... and other things."
Buck stilled, all teasing set aside. In the low light of the lamp, he could see a pleading look in her eyes. She bit her lip and reached her hand towards his and held it loosely. He hardly dared to breathe.
"Sure. We can talk... bout things." He replied softly.
"Good"She gave him a small smile and on impulse, leaned up and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. Then she slipped through the doorway, whispered goodnight and quietly shut the door. Buck stood on the porch, his hand reflexively reached up to touch his cheek. He shook himself mentally as he slowly backed away from the door and started towards the barn, telling himself whatever "things" she wanted to discuss couldn't possibly mean what he secretly dared to hope. As he fell asleep that night he nearly convinced himself he believed that.
Lou woke just before dawn, she rolled to her side to stare out the window past the peaceful sleeping form of Theresa. It was a miracle she hadn't woken her sister at some point during the night. Sleep wasn't an easy thing lately, especially with the baby pushing down on her bladder, necessitating more then one dark and chilly trip to the outhouse at night. This night was particularly bad though, she hadn't been able to turn off her thoughts, alternating between fond memories of better times with Kid and her life with Buck now. She finally admitted to herself he did truly feel something for Buck and she supposed he did have a right to know that. If he did return some of those feelings, they'd have some decisions to make. Part of her felt guilty. Buck deserved a woman who could give a whole heart to him if he was going to do the same. She didn't want him feeling beholden stay either. Lord knows she'd love to have him stay forever, if for no other reason than running a ranch and raising a baby on her own scared her more than anything else ever had. There was a small part of her mind though nagging at her that she had been a failure with Kid, how could she expect to be any better for Buck? There was a whole wide world out there for him with better opportunities than this little ranch... and her. Her dreams had been dark and unsettling and even though she couldn't remember what they were about, they left her feeling anxious all the same.
She swung her legs off her bed and stretched, but stopped midway. She was sore all over, especially in her back and in her legs, her stomach felt tight and uncomfortable. Usually sleep helped all the aches and pains of carrying this child, but she felt worse now than when she had gone to bed the night before. Lou quickly dressed through the aches, pulling her underclothes on and a light green dress over her head. Rachel had the local seamstress make it for her a while ago, it was made for pregnancy, shapeless as a tent with a tie around the back that could be tied more loosely the bigger she got. Lou then slid her feet in some moccasins Buck had made for her after he saw her struggling to tie her usual shoes. Tears clouded her eyes as she wrapped her shawl around her shoulders. Her family was taking such good care of her... 'oh snap out of it Lou' she thought as she gave herself a good mental shake. She could cry at the drop of a hat nowadays, it was completely mortifying.
She started working on breakfast to keep busy and to keep her mind off the pains in her back that were starting to feel less and less normal. If Buck stayed true to form he'd be coming in soon for some coffee and food before he went off to do his morning chores. It was going to be quiet out at the ranch for a while. Amanda and Janusz could be gone for as long as a month and Rachel and Teaspoon for a week at least. They weren't going nearly as far though, only to Omaha for a few days, to catch a play or two and have a few fine meals.
Lou brought the finished coffee to the table, set it down and stopped. She gripped the top of a chair as this particular pain seemed to shoot from her back all the way around to her front. Buck chose that moment to walk into the house.
"Morning Lou, makings of a good day out there, you can feel some warm air coming in from the south." He stopped in his tracks when he turned to look at her.
"Lou? what's wrong?" in several long strides he was by her side. She waved him off as she exaled a breath. She gave him the brightest smile she could manage.
"Oh I'm fine. Just feeling more sore than usual this morning. Here, I made you some pancakes and coffee." She moved around the kitchen to give him a plate full of pancakes and set a mug down in front of him. He didn't move, the hairs were standing up on the back of his neck, which usually didn't happen unless there was danger or something else wrong. Lou took a few breaths to steady herself, she was feeling more anxious by the moment. She needed to just spit out what she needed to say to him before she lost her nerve.
"Please sit Buck, I'm alright."
"If you say so." He said as he finally sat down, not taking his eyes off her. Lou looked into his eyes full of concern for her and her heart skipped a beat. He did care, it was written all over her face, Lord she had been so blind. She gathered up her courage and plunged in, still standing by the chair, holding on to it for strength.
"I wanted to talk to you about our future, you and me and this baby." Lou said shakily. She glanced up at him as he stopped chewing his bite of pancake and set his fork down. She watched him struggle to gulp it down. He pushed his plate away, no longer interested in food.
"What about our future?" He asked quietly.
"Well I... our future with this baby, and our feelings to each other." She squeaked out. Just then she gasped, she gripped the chair with both hands and leaned over with a groan. Buck flew out of his chair and stood next to her, putting one hand on the small of her back.
"Is it the baby?" His voice was shaking, he could feel Lou trembling under his hand.
She could only manage a nod, after the pain subsided, she found her voice.
"Something's wrong. I've been having pains all morning... and now, oh god Buck, now I'm leaking."
Her voice was barely a whisper, she turned up to look at him as tears started running down her cheeks.
"Oh my god."
Buck had birthed a baby once and had seen many babies born as a child with the Kiowa. "Leaking" could only mean one thing, her water had broken. This child was coming now.
"I think you're in labor, Lou" He said quietly, his mind already racing towards what he needed to do next. Lou heard his words and started crying harder. She knew they were true, she just desperately didn't want to believe them.
"I can't be in labor! It's too soon... the baby, It's too soon for the baby!" She cried. Buck gathered her up in his arms and squeezed her tight. She clung to him for dear life.
"Listen to me. I'm going to go and wake up Theresa and Jeremiah, have them come in here with you. Then I'm going to ride as fast as my horse can carry me and get Doc Gollmer. I will drag him over her in his nightshirt if I have to, alright?"
"Please... don't leave me!" She held on to him tighter as he tried to pull away.
"You know I can get him here fastest, Lou. I'll be back before you can miss me." He said as he placed a quick kiss on her forehead. He ran into Theresa and Lou's room and gently shook the girl awake, only saying that Lou needed her. He was about ready to run out the door when he caught the panicked look in Lou's eyes, she was gripping onto the chair so hard her knuckles were white.
"You will be alright, Lou, no matter what happens. You have to be, won't allow nothing else." He looked at her almost desperately. Her eyes were wide as she nodded.
"Hurry." Was all she could manage as another wave of pain hit her.
Buck was less gentle as he woke Jeremiah. He pulled the boy into an upright position and only said to get to the house now, that the baby was coming early and tersely said he was going for the doctor as he ran out the door. Buck didn't bother with his saddle, only placing the bridle on his horse as he swung himself up and kicked Warrior into a full gallop towards town. He rode as if his life depended on it. To his heart, it really felt like it did.
"Son? You should really get some sleep. There's nothing else to do right now, except pray. She's had a hard go of it, but she'll recover in time." Doc Gollmer looked into the face of the pale young man staring at his hands, sitting at the kitchen table. Buck had only left Louise's room after he forced him out so he could do his final examination. It had been his longest day in recent memory. The little girl had cried herself to sleep in the other bedroom a while ago while Jeremiah had fallen asleep on the couch. The labor had taken all day and been quite painful, but these three had stood vigil for the whole thing until exhaustion claimed the younger two. Buck glanced up at the doctor.
"And the baby? Doc, I need to know, is there any chance at all for her?" Buck slowly stood to his feet and met the doctor's eyes, daring him to be anything but truthful.
"I can only tell you what I just told Louise, that babe's lungs, they just aren't ready to be breathing our air." He lifted his hands in a helpless gesture. Buck felt like punching him, even though he had no real cause.
"How much time do we have then, before..." Buck couldn't finish, his voice cracked and the tears he had held in check trickled down his face. He barely noticed. The doctor sighed.
"It's up to providence now, it could be hours, it could be days... why don't you go to her now and be with your daughter." He put his hand on Buck's arm as he turned to walk out the door. He needed his nice warm bed and the comfort of his wife after a day like today.
"But she's not my..." Buck started, Gollmer turned and interrupted him.
"Sure she is son, maybe not by blood, I can see that... but she's yours in the eyes of that young mother in there, and right now that's the only thing that matters."
Buck barely acknowledged his words and with a sigh the doctor slipped out the door.
Buck stared at the entrance of Lou's room for a long moment, finally his care for Lou won out over his fear to face what was in there. He took a deep breath and walked to her side.
Lou was bathed in candlelight and more pale than he had ever seen her. The doc had done a good job cleaning her up and even after all the pain Lou had experienced, she looked beautiful to him. Then there was the bundle in her arms... Lou motioned with her eyes for him to sit next to her. He sat down so gently the bed barely moved.
"She's beautiful isn't she? I'm going to name her Angel McCloud, on count of her being too perfect for this earth... If I can just hold her, keep her warm, do you think she'll remember it? Do you think she'll ever know how much I love her? How much I hoped..." Her voice cracked, the shock she had been feeling all day started to ebb and tears flowed freely.
"She will Lou, she always will." Buck's voice shook with emotion. He shuddered as he took in the face of the tiny child wrapped in Lou's arms, she was absolutely beautiful, like she had been sculpted by the spirits. He memorized every feature of her face and reached a trembling hand to touch the tiny warm cheek. Lou took in a shaky breath.
"Oh god Buck, I can't do this, I can't just watch her slip away!" Lou turned her head away, but Buck put his hand under Lou's chin and brought her eyes to his.
"You won't be alone, I'm staying right here and we'll both stay strong, for her."
Lou saw the tears running down Buck's face and just nodded as she leaned in to him. Buck shifted position to lean against the headboard as he put his arms around Lou. She moved the baby so the bundle was nestled in between the two of them. Angel McCloud was surrounded by love and tears until she slipped away in the middle of the night to rejoin the stars.
A/N: Whew. I don't even know what to say. I tried to avoid this, but this is the story that stayed and wouldn't go away. I will post the second half of this portion of the story tomorrow, as there is some resolution. I cried just editing this chapter to post it. I don't know how you'll feel about this, but I appreciate you reading it all the same.