CHAPTER 21
In a daze and operating on auto pilot Abby left the building and hailed a cab, the only thing on her mind was finding the file.
As she walked into Gibbs house she replayed when and where she had last seen the file.
I was upstairs when Ziva threw it at me, but I carried it everywhere with me for days. Think! Ok, start upstairs, be systematic about this.
After checking all the obvious places and finding nothing, Abby became more frantic, she ran back to the front room and started pulling books and magazines off the shelves, rifling through the pages, turning everything upside down, discarding them in a heap on the floor when they didn't reveal any file.
It has to be here, it has to be, I didn't imagine that file, it's real and it has to be here.
As she pulled cushions off the sofa, ripping the covers off and checking inside, she was hit by one flashback after another, Curtis and Ziva, both telling her things, contradictory things.
'They don't care about you, none of them do, they just use you to get what they want' 'They love you, they would do anything to protect you and this is how you replay them?' 'What have they ever done for you?' 'Think about all the things they have done for you'
Abby dropped the cushion she had in her hands, covered her ears and screamed, she could hear someone sobbing and dimly realised it was her, trying to block out the voices, she moved into the kitchen and in a frenzy emptied every cupboard and drawer into a heap on the floor, blinded by the tears flowing down her face, she added the contents of the fridge and freezer to the every growing pile of destruction.
Looking around, she saw there was no where else to look and she walked slowly upstairs, breathing heavily, shaking from fear and exhaustion.
As she rampaged through one room after another the flashbacks didn't let up, Curtis's words, competed with contradictory images from the last few weeks.
'Tony is nothing but a playboy, he cares about nothing but himself' Tony sitting with her hour after hour, the dark circles under his eyes, his attempts to make her smile.
'McGee, seriously, what has he ever done for you? He blames his mistakes on you all the time, how can you not see this?' Tim, covering for her when a prank went wrong and Gibbs computer got messed up, bringing her presents, making an effort to come down to the lab when they were quiet, Tim, terrified to speak to her in the last few weeks, his stutter back worse than ever.
Finding nothing upstairs she slowly moved towards the last place in the house, the basement.
She descended the steps slowly, the unique smell of the place evoking memories of other times she had been there, the smell that meant she was safe.
Knowing, somehow, the file wasn't going to be in the basement, she continued down anyway, hearing two voices in her head.
'Gibbs doesn't love you, he never will, he is incapable of loving anything but his boat and he bourbon' 'Gibbs loves you' 'Gibbs doesn't love you' Gibbs loves you'
Half heartedly Abby looked around the basement, moving a few things here and there but the frenzy had left her, she couldn't bring herself to desecrate Gibbs sanctuary. Running her fingertips over his latest project, she fought her way through the voices into an oasis of clarity in her mind and she knew where the file was.
Leaving the house in a much calmer state than she had entered, Abby got in her car and started to drive.
Curtis lied to me about my friends, but why? And was it all lies? Everyone else is lying to me too, but I can't figure out what they are lying about. Ziva, is she lying? She must be, but why would she do that. Fornell, what part does he play in this, and that girl. I will find the truth in this wreckage, and Ziva is the obvious place to start, and she has the file, she has to.
Abby walked up to the familiar door of Ziva's apartment, it opened before she got close enough to knock. Abby walked in, closing and locking the door behind her.
From the other side of the room Ziva stared at her, Abby stared back, the silence was heavy and neither one of them wanted to be the first to break it.
Ok, you're here, she's here, just ask her for the file, ask her why she lied, ask her what the others are lying about. Wait, what makes you think she'll tell you the truth now? Walk Sciuto, you always think better when you walk, walk and think and focus.
The phone, it's ringing, it's not mine, it's on the table, right in front of me, Ziva is making no move to answer it. It's stopped, good, but I've lost my train of thought. The damn thing is ringing again; give it up, she's not going to answer! I need to turn it off. It's Gibbs, on the phone, I can't answer it, I can't deal with him just now, just turn it off. Ok, the phone's off but seriously, do you just expect him to give up? You know he's going to be banging on that door in a few minutes. Focus, you are running out of time, get the answers before he gets here, how do you get answers when you don't know what questions to ask?
A gentle knock on the door pulls Abby from her thoughts. He can't be here already, I'm not ready.
"Ziva?"
Both women moved toward the door, Ziva, got there first but held her hands behind her back, trying to show Abby that she wasn't going to open the door, trying to make her feel in control.
The knocking came again, more insistent, and Gibbs voice, when he called out Ziva's name held an edge of panic.
I don't want him here, I need to deal with this my way but I don't want to tell him to go, I can't push him away, I can't breathe.
"Gibbs, you should not be here, everything is fine, we are fine"
It's as if she's read my mind, he won't go, I know he won't go but at least he won't break the door down now, she's bought me some time, I need to use it though, I need to do this and do it now.