Chapter Twenty: Can't Spell She-laughter Without Laugh-her
"I can't believe I'm sitting out here, waiting for La Bruja so I can protect MEGA MONKEY of all people!" said SheZow as he sat shivering in the cold desert air, on a nearby ledge overlooking SICK HQ. That's right folks, Guy decided to do the right thing and defend Mega Monkey from La Bruja! Not that he wasn't having second thoughts about the whole thing.
"It was all your decision." said Sheila, rather smugly
"Couldn't I have at least brought the Sheicle? It's freezing out here!" groaned SheZow, shivering pathetically to emphasize his point.
"Mega Monkey could see the Sheicle coming. You, however, are small enough that his sensors won't notice you." explained Sheila.
"Are you sure this has nothing to do with me siding with Maz and Kelly over you and SheZap?" asked SheZow rhetorically.
"Why whatever gave you that notion?" asked Sheila, equally rhetorical with a cheeky grin.
Sighing, SheZow decided to get back on topic. "What am I even looking for?" asked SheZow, looking around with a pair of pink binoculars.
"Unknown. It could be anything from a flying battleship, an orbital death laser, or a…" began Sheila before being interrupt.
"A massive army filled with tanks and giant robots!" exclaimed SheZow finally seeing La Bruja's instrument of revenge against Mega Monkey. It looked like a massive tide of black from the distance, slowly creeping towards SICK HQ. But through the binoculars, SheZow could see in much greater detail!
The soldiers in the army were clad in black armor, worn almost skin tight, gas masks with glowing yellow lenses in the eye pieces, and simple dark helmets reminiscent of the helmets German soldiers wore during World War II.1 Some of the officers wore black trench coats. Each of the soldiers and officers held futuristic looking black laser rifles, though there were rocket launchers held by some of them. But that was nothing compared to the vehicles being used!
One of the first things that SheZow notice was that walking among the troops were what at first looked like the TIGER guard units used during the AntiSheZowCon. However, it looked like the lasers had been enlarge and on the back of the 'head' were a pair of twelve pack missile launchers. The tanks following behind the army sported twin laser cannons a piece. But on the middle tank, riding on top, was the most important element of this army: La Bruja!
It seemed she had changed her costume yet again to fit with the theme of this little encounter. Her face still had the same tattooed designs from early and her eyes were still red. However, she was wearing the same helmet as the soldiers in her army. Also, she had brought back the black duster coat though she included a holster in her belt which held a laser pistol. In her right hand she held what looked like the previous skull staff shrunken to half its previous length, making it more like a baton. Finally, she wore thigh high combat boots designed to be fashionable and functional.
"Where in the world did La Bruja get this army?!" SheZow quietly exclaimed, not wanting to draw attention to himself.
"As I'm sure you remember, I managed to link several of her models to mercenary groups. It appears they all serve in her personal private military: the Desperados." explained Sheila.
"Why didn't you tell me about this group before?!" exclaimed SheZow, infuriated that Sheila would keep something this important a secret!
"The Desperados are a mercenary group that had risen to some notary in the world, but there was no indication until today that they worked for Sartana." explained Sheila.
'So what can you tell me about them?" asked SheZow, finally calming down from the shocking arrival of the Desperados.
"Unfortunately, not that much. Interpol and other global agencies have tried to put a stop to their activities but have been unable to pin them down. They are linked as the cause behind several civil wars, which Sartana seen to have made a huge profit selling weapons to both sides." explained Sheila further.
"That's insane! If Sartana has been doing that, then why isn't she in jail for war crimes?" said SheZow, shocked at what Sartana seemed to get away with.
"Because some of Sartana's biggest customers in weapons sales include the US, Russia and China." said Sheila, explained how Sartana.
"Then let's hope Mega Monkey is prepared for this." said SheZow.
Back at ground level, the Desperados continued to march to SICK HQ, with Sartana sitting on one of the tanks in the rear. Suddenly, as the army began to close on the main entrance, laser cannons manned by Mega Monkey's hench-monkeys began to appear all over the mountain side. They took their aim at the approaching army, waiting for Mega Monkey to give the word. Just then, out of the clouds came Meg Monkey's gunship with Mega Monkey hanging onto a strut with a megaphone in his hand.
"You truly need to develop a thick skin." Said Mega Monkey through the megaphone, "Now, as a gentle-chimp, I am giving you one chance to leave with what little dignity you have."
With that, speakers began to appear from slots opening on Sartana's tank. "You truly have no idea who you are fucking with, do you?" ask La Bruja rhetorically into the mike in her skull baton, linked wirelessly to the speakers, "I have built a military force which rivals small countries! I have more blood on my own hands then you could spill in a lifetime! You're not a rival, Mega Monkey! You're just another ant for me to step on!"
Mega Monkey did a slow clap, while still holding onto the gunship strut. "Oh bravo, very dramatic!" said Mega Monkey sarcastically, "Unfortunately for you, it's going to take a lot more than empty boasting for me to change my mind!"
Rather than rant more, Sartana gave an evil little smile before bring the mike to her lips, and music began to play from the speakers! A strumming ukulele sounded from the speakers and, after a minute, La Bruja began to sing!
"Happiness hit her like a train on a traaaaaack
Coming towards her stuck still no turning baaaaaaack"
As the song began to play, Mega Monkey adopted an 'are you kidding me' expression! His hench-monkeys were equally confused and were scratching their heads. Only SheZow had any idea of what was coming and he was the only one to see the wind picking up, "Oh, curd!"
"She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
The music added more guitars, and clapping could be heard. The wind started picking up even more and dust began to flow in-between the armies, slowly taking shape.
"With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink
The music stayed steady but shapes began to form in the dust cloud. It looked like a herd of red-eyed horses getting ready to charge at Mega Monkey's forces!
"The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run!
And with that, the herd of Nightmares charged at Mega Monkey's forces! The hench-monkeys on the laser turrets tried to fire on the Nightmares, but the shots went right through them! Not only that but as the Nightmares got closer, each of the hench-monkey were gripped with terror! Eventually the hench-monkeys started abandoning their post! And Sartana's army looked like they were getting ready to charge!
"Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive!
The hench-monkeys on the ground seemed to take this as their cue to leave! They all began to run straight for the lair, and the soldiers were aiming right at them! Heedless of the danger, the hench-monkeys began falling over themselves to get inside! Just then Sartana's soldiers and enhanced TIGERs began firing on them!
"The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come!
The sight of his minions being shot down so easily filled Mega Monkey with rage! Quickly ordering his monkeys, the gunship began firing on Sartana's tank! Dodging the fire, Sartana than ordered her enhanced TIGERs to start firing on the gunships!
"And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
A lull in the music began before starting up again while both Sartana's tank was dodging the gunship and Mega Monkey's gunship was dodging the TIGERs' surface to air missiles.
"Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that!
At that point, one of the missiles hit the tail of Mega Monkey's gunship! Spiraling out of control, the gunship crashed into the golden skull atop the mountain lair, creating a massive gash!
"The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come!
Exalted at their victory, the Desperados began moving towards at the main entrance! The remaining hench-monkeys waited by the main entrance readying for the attack! They heard what sounded like hoof beats, then silence! For a moment, to those inside the lair, it sounded like it was over. But then…
"Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive!
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come!
The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run!"
As the song started up again, one of the TIGERs burst through the main doors, firing at everything in sight! The monkeys put up a brave fight, but between the heavy fire power of the soldiers and the Nightmares projecting fear, they lost the fight within minutes! Now the Desperados were free to carry out their order: find Mega Monkey and kill everyone else in the lair! The Nightmares disappeared at the end of the song, but they had already served their purpose. With extreme confidence, La Bruja leapt of the tank she was on and walked quietly, with an evil grin, through the carnage up to and through the wrecked main entrance.
"Now's your chance." stated Sheila plainly through SheZow's ring.
"Huh?!" said SheZow, startled back into reality. Seeing the carnage, even from a distance, had proven to be somewhat mesmerizing. Like watching a train wreck! SheZow thought.
"Not only are Mega Monkey and La Bruja's forces distracted with each other, but the battle left an opening in the fortress." explained Sheila, indicating the gash in the golden skull as a way in.
"Yeah, but how am I going to get up there?! In case you forgot, I can't fly!" exclaimed SheZow, frustrated at the seemingly insurmountable task.
"Before you left the She-Lair, I had Kelly pack a gadget which will help you in this instance." explained Sheila further.
With that, SheZow reached into his backpack, only to pullout… "A hairdryer?" remarked SheZow sarcastically, "Let me guess, it going to turn in a grapple launcher. I've seen that show Sheila."
"Oh, it's more than that. Trust me!" implored Sheila. Deciding to see what the fuss was, SheZow activated the hair dryer gadget, only for two hooks to appear on the nozzle and handle. Guessing what Sheila was talking about, SheZow aimed the nozzle hook towards the gash, while the handle hook was aimed at the cliff wall. Both hooks shot out like rockets, fastening themselves to their respective targets, creating a zip line! Using the hairdryer as a pulley, SheZow sped down through the gash into the remains of SICK's meeting room.
"Well that was fun! What do I call my latest addition to the Beautility Belt?" asked SheZow, really loving the new toy.
"It doesn't have an official name, though Kelly thought it should be called the High Tension Hair Dryer." suggested Sheila, not really seeing a need to name the gadgets.
"Tell her it's a keeper!" exclaimed SheZow, before returning to the serious mission he was on. It seemed the gunship had crashed through the conference room into Mega Monkey's main planning area. Miraculously, the crew of the gunship and Mega Monkey seemed to be in almost perfect shape, just unconscious! Walking up to the crash site, SheZow could hear the sounds of gunshots and screeching monkeys getting closer and closer to main planning area. He didn't have much time!
Mega Monkey lay sprawled on the floor, just outside the gunship's smashed cockpit window. His outfit was in tatters, hanging off him in shreds and his glasses lay broken in front of him. His skull topped scepter was broken in half and the skull shared the same gash as the hideout. Walking up to Mega Monkey, SheZow checked to see if he was still alive. Seeing that he was, SheZow picked up Mega Monkey and slung him onto his shoulders before calling Sheila.
"Shelia, I hope you have a way to get me outta here!" exclaimed SheZow, not wanting to face La Bruja and her army!
"He's inbound now." Stated Sheila, as SheZap appeared out of the shadows in the room.
"Really, that." said SheZow, not liking his options.
"Well, if you want to stay and have a talk with La Bruja!" suggested SheZap sarcastically, already knowing to answer. With a sigh, SheZow with Mega Monkey walked over to SheZap and they 'shadow-walked' away. Just then the main doors to the room blew open and out stepped, La Bruja!
"And now, Mega Monkey, your time has…" started La Bruja, before stopping to not see Mega Monkey in sight. Summoning her Sombras, she ordered them silently to search for Mega Monkey. When they turned up empty handed, Sartana began to fume, "Where is that little under-evolved chimps?!"
Soon, she spotted the ruined glasses and scepter on the ground. Picking them up, Sartana took a huge sniff. It was then she smelled the unmistakable odor on bubblegum, strawberry, and Fizz soda, clear indicators of…
"SHEZOW!" exclaimed La Bruja with a roar, "First he denies me my prize and now my vengeance!" Hurling random pieces of debris around in rage, Sartana eventually began to calm down.
"Calm, calm." stated Sartana to keep her temper under control, "It doesn't matter. The little puta may have the monkey, but I have all the proof right here!" Holding up the glasses and scepter, Sartana smirked triumphantly before saying with undisguised glee.
"Daylight's End is back on track!"
Disclaimer: I own neither SheZow nor the song which was "Dog Days Are Over" by Florence and the Machine. I do hope people like this story. It would help if people read and review. Oh and the High Tension Hair Dryer is based on Disney's Kim Possible
1 Imagine the Helghast soldiers from the Killzone game series